Mindfulness and codependence thread

[Hopalong]

Yoicks, that incident brought up a lot. I remember dawning heartbreak when I realized that the women's liberation movement I experienced in the 60s meant little, when things only changed SOME, for SOME, and SOME of the time. To see it also happening to our daughters is a particular kind of pain. To see it ignored by males who should be allies is another.

Black parents go through the very same thing, when they have to have The Talk. Seeing their children begin to understand they are second-class citizens to many of their fellows...same thing.

And of course, our country now....it seems unfathomable but here it is. If I had the energy and money, I'd rather live in Scandinavia (well, during half the year...the other half? Nowhere's free of it but maybe the U.K.).

Don't mean to be tedious, but dog-chasing and doing business (all with a possible fracture in the arm) doesn't match my image of how one gets through Covid convalescence??????

Stupid TV and soup, maybe?

hugs and take CARE of yourself, the world keeps spinning if you skip something....glad you scooped up the pug, back to bed now?

Hops

[lighter]

I sound better today, Hops and there's so many incidents of being touched under skirts for me, my sister, my friends..... I can't count them.  At clubs, on escalators at the mall, on creepy dates...... just awful and how it is and speaking up means upsetting everything, at least in those moments. 

I'm not as comfortable with upsetting moments as I'm going to be, I'm thinking.

I haven't found the balance yet.

I feel like I will. 

Part of it is the power dynamic and what is gained and what is lossed....... and everything shifts.

Speaking up doesn't have to be anything in particular, but I realize I have  an image of it.... an idea of what it has to be..... and it always  includes escalation, but that doesn't have to be how it goes... maybe.

Mayne it can be something else.

Still searching for the balance.  Youngest dd admitted defeat today when I asked her if she had ideas about dealing with these types of problems... she said she'd given it a lot of thought and "there are no answers."

I hope that's not true, just bc we can't put our finger on them.

DD19's throat is soar, but both girls are testing N so far.

I think I'll be back up and running around tomorrow.

I love Scandanavia and esp the women.... they're not so invested in cutting each other's throats.

Lighter

[lighter]

I can't smell anything.  That's new.

I think my brain thinks I can still taste, but I don't think that's true.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I realize I have  an image of it.... an idea of what it has to be..... and it always  includes escalation, but that doesn't have to be how it goes

This sounds very perceptive, Lighter. When I studied assertiveness we literally practiced scenarios over and over, role played is what I mean. I think we can shrink the interval between the shock and the speaking up immediately, until it gets better. Heartbreaking to know your D believes there's nothing she can do.

Highly recommend The Gift of Fear for your D, which has been updated. IME, it didn't increase fear but increased confidence. Plus, an assertiveness training course. They're not as common as they were in the 60s but would be worth a drive.

Meanwhile, why rush your covid recovery? Relapse can happen with any virus if you don't genuinely take it easy and focus on letting your body get all the way well.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

How are you feeling, Lighter??

A friend around the corner just got it. The Post has an article about people in covid denial. I think we need to keep the measures going whether or not we enjoy them. A longer life and later joys...to me are worth simple effort, imo. My church requires N95s and I can't breathe well enough in those to enjoy it, so I am out for now.

I hope you're smelling, tasting, and feeling your lungs work okay. Do you have a pulse oximeter, the fingertip thing?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hi, Hops.

I'm up and running today...... took the pug to the vet for bum and paw maintenance, washed all the bedding, roasted a 6 lb chicken, walked a good mile with the Pug, gave her a bath and worked with her new sunglass goggles to ensure a good experience, meaning.... I popped sauteed chicken livers into her mouth as she sat with the glasses on her face.  I made sure to take them off and not let her paw them off, which she really really really wanted to do.  I'm hoping she'll leave them alone if we're moving at a rapid pace in the forest.  IF I bring tasty morsels the first few times I have a better shot at gaining her acceptance.

So, during my movement I noticed I'm still a bit weak AND I can't push on anything with the left arm STILL.  It clicks and explodes in pain...... like a little bone comes apart and back together but it's not a bone.  It's swelling and nerves and picture bumping your elbow with a little force.  I've done something more forceful and I can feel the pins and needs and a bit of discomfort at it goes through the process of healing..... it will heal.  I know it will.  It's soft tissue an nerves and swelling and I can't even push my little Honda door open or hold an onion with my left hand to cut.... but I can lift any amount of weight.  it's the pushing muscles not the pulling muscles that are involved.

My lungs keep producing interesting chunks of phlem.... very solid things.  I don't know what color they are.....I never remember to look, but it feels like I'm through the virus and on the other side.

I've had a couple moments of feeling very angry about not being able to just do normal things,but that's what comes up when I don't want to acknowledge the sadness of being injured or understanding things will eventually change for me...... I won't always be climbing onto steep rooftops and moving heavy things by myself.  Acceptance around those things isn't on my radar right now, but I'll deal with it when it's time.

It's not time yet.

DD19 is sneezing her head off.  She felt she might have Covid but keeps testing N..... it's allergies, has to be.

I spoke to one of my nieces for an hour tonight....she reminds me so much of myself. She's happier and settling into her 5 mo old job she hated at first.  Competence and uplifting co workers are making a difference.

My oldest dd received a much smaller raise than she deserves and I can't say anything about it, so I don't, but...... it's not fair and she knows it. 

My back is unhappy...... where I had some pain during the Covid.... it's just there and a bit sensitive.  I'm going to floss and brush my teeth then it's into bed for me.

Thanks for asking: )

Lighter

[lighter]

Taste and smell is returning... forgot that.  I had a tangerine earlier and could smell it!  Whoo hoo!

[Hopalong]

You are a functioning, working human, for sure, Lighter.

Have you considered a simple x-ray in case a cast or sling
might stabilize the arm for faster healing? Just in case it
would heal better with less risk of future pain or weakness.

Then again, I ignored PT after it made the frozen shoulder
hurt worse and it got much much better on its own. So far.

Glad taste and smell are back and hope all systems are soon
covid free.

hugs
Hops

[CB123]

Hi Lighter! Thought I'd give my experience if you are thinking about what to do next about your arm...

I fell over a lamp about 4 years ago (just me being me--was moving furniture by myself, put the lamp behind me and then turned around and fell into it). Big old goose egg on my shin where I hit it, black and blue and painful and I limped into the doctor to have it checked. We agreed that I just knocked it really hard after having the requisite tests and I figured that it would take a while to clear up.

So four years later and its still excruciating to touch and I go into an ortho guy finally (in my defense, I have been holed up during covid). He xrayed again, questions, poking and decided that I did nerve damage at the time of the injury. Not much to do now and it is MUCH improved over the last 4 years. But probably the nerve damage will remain (he did ask pointedly why it took me 4 years to come in. I'm unclear whether the prognosis at this point was effected by my delay)

Anyway, cant hurt for you to check. May not be a break but rather some nerve issues that (perhaps) can be addressed effectively now. I wish I had.

CB

[lighter]

I hear you, CB.

When I think about my arm, I'm reminded of a friend who fell down her starirs and did enough nerve damage to completely paralyze her arm..... it just hung there, pitifully, long enough to begin wasting away.  After many months, she began to have twitches, which the doctor said were hopeful and she felt she'd get control of her arm back, little by little.

I have complete control of my arm, no pain, except when I use ti a particular way...... it's all there, but I dinged it hard..... think abot what a little knock against the doorframe does to a funnybone.  I'm not surprised things are upset in there, but I promise to go to my favorite Sona Clinic and get it  looked at.... bc of your post.

My niece injured her wrist a couple years back and has some clicking, sort of like the clicking in my elbow.  We can't figure out what the clicking is but she did go to the hospital and her bf;s dad is a doc who watched the wrist carefully and they still don't know what the problem was, exacly. All they can say is the bone isn;t broken.  I know my bone isn't bro.....

OK, I'm going; )

Lighter

[lighter]

I'm spending more time examining my belief systems, which is easier in some areas than others, not gonna lie.

It's an excercise in being authentic....that's how it feels right now.

Yesterday my T asked me what I'd wake and do for work this morning if I could magically blink myself through training/education in any area I wanted to work in.  I said renovating properties but that just might be bc building and renovation properties is something I and my family need done.  I'm not sure if that would be my pick IF we didn't need so much of it.

My girls asswered the same question last night over dinner under cloudy skies and the greenest trees possible... such a breezy perfect evening to dine outside.
DD21 said she's considering med school again, bc the doc she works for quizzes her about eye health and care and is amazed at dd's knowledge and competency.  She enoys the attention and admiration from someone she admires.  It's nice.

Youngest dd blurted out she'd be a comedian and it made perfect sense.  She's very funny and knows it. 

The journey continues.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter (for your reply on "Anything" -- felt like I was hijacking Mouse's thread so scooted over here). I don't think I'll suspend all socializing, but a group indoors? Maybe. Depends on case counts. Not worried, still got the firepit for fall, too!

I neglected to ask you -- what was the xray result for your arm? You promised CB!

And to say, how lovely it was to read about your DDs -- the one showing such competence and a sound life dream, the other taking joy in making people laugh. That must feel sooo good.

Hope all is well. I've had a very quiet couple weeks, the estimate for the patio the only bad spot but I've made peace with it. Cancelled two vacays (a weekend to NC and a week at beach in Oct.) which hurt, but also feels responsible and necessary. I may be drawing some fractional hope from the Jan. 6 hearings, second one today at 10am. As a child post-WWII I had such faith in our nation and government (I guess because of Dad's service, memories of walking down the halls of the Pentagon with him in summers). Just seeing our adult reps present facts and evidence in a clear and somber fashion is a relief. No guarantees of anything except that one day, real history will be written with integrity by some. Went back and watched All the President's Men again and was so moved by it. Journalistic integrity and truth. (And young Robert Redford, who could help any medicine go down....).

Neighbor brought over some spare plants and put them in my planters for me, very lovely of her. This is a time of year when even from indoors, I enjoy the light very much. So golden. Deer are sleeping beside the Prius, which I enjoy too, although they'll eat everything they can reach, including planters!

Must wash birdbaths. Crows have flown elsewhere but there's still a lot of bird action here. I'm grateful for the sounds, the soft air, and all the light. Fresh eggs delivery today too.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Hmmm.. I had fresh eggs delivered last night by the local tree  frogs.  There are 3 containers of tadpoles on front porch and it's odd a second round of egg laying took so many weeks... usually there are daily deposits, but not this season.  I think there's am aquatic frog or something eating the tadpoles and the tree frogs know.  I can't wait to have little tiny frogs appearing like magic.  It's like watching little fairies appear.

My arm isn't broken, just sprained badly and when you think about whacking your elbow lighty on a doorjamb, with the electric shock and pain and all that goes with... it makes sense slamming my arm onto thinly carpteted concrete from stool height would mess with an elbow.  I sprained this poor thing badly..... feel it might take another week of healing..... I think most take about a month to heal.  Mine will be about 6..... it's putting pressure on it at certain angles that still bugs me, otherwise it feels quite normal most of the time.  Trying to let it heal and not keep reinjuring it..... so difficult to do!

I've seen the accupuncturist twice and he's reduced the pain and stiffness markedly each time.  I see him again tomorrow...will try to find some way to calm myself chemically as I'll be asking him to be VERY agressive.... that means he moves the needles around which feels like having electricity shot through my pressure points and feet and who knows what as he'll also be working on shoulders. 

I took youngest dd last accupuncture appt and tht was a train wreck.... her ADD had her climbing the walls and we giggled and talked like children who honestly know better but can't help themselves. 

::shaking head::

DD said she might go back, but it's unlikely.

It's time to work on Lake House again.  I can't wait any longer and there's a hydrangia needs planting as well.  The doc prescribed compression and ice, which did help then some time with rehab center, which my nieghbor's son owns.... is just around the corner, so that's an easy piece to deal with.

Sorry your patio is problematic, but relieved you figured it out and got on with it. 

My stressed liver stopped sending itchy bumps to my skin as SOS.  I stopped the Advil and drank tons of water.... accupuncture guy S put needles in the top of my left foot to deal with that on the first appointment.

I can actually FEEL it in my left (injured) elbow when S moves needles around in my right knee.... and he goes for the painful pressure points and just explores.  The last visit he had to unhook my right claw from the chair, which clued him into the fact I'm not good with needles or the discomfort of the process.  The first time he started with my arm so I hadn't quite dug my fingernails into the chair when he moved on to the legs and feet.  He started with my feet this time.... oh.... that R knee.... the one I had ACL replacement with the scars and such..... whew boy.  It felt like he went right for the areas involved.... just freaking myself out here, so will move on.

Ahem.

To being more careful with our minds and bodies, Hops!

I'm glad you're living without fear.  I'm glad you have lovely memories with your father and faith the system eventually works, however flawed. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I've had acupuncture. Really liked the effect. Wish insurance covered it, I'd go back.

So you never got that scan? I hope all is well and it'll heal fast.

I keep wanting to challenge stuff, and probably should put a sock in it. Still:

The Lake House is standing and you don't HAVE to do anything while injured.
A hydrangea CAN be planted by someone else, rather than you while injured.

That kinda thinking. But you may be happiest with that edge of performance. I'm sure you can handle whatever you decide to put your body through.

I can't say anything useful about that, unfortunately. My body is tolerating me at the mo' and for now, feels pretty good. Not strong, but not freaking out.

Hang in and heal,
Hops

[lighter]

Got an x ray from a walk in clinic associated with the hospital run by my neighbor.  Doc said I would benefit from re hab....the retired nurse next door runs her son's 4 rehab facilities...one around the corner. I just spoke to her about that yesterday.  Such nice people.

Arm feeling normal UNTIL I apply force and that only happens bc I FEEL normal then begin moving at a more normal pace.  I'm taking it easy, stll. 

The accupuncturist I see is meant to be affordable.... sliding scale 25.00 to 45.00 a visit.  They don't ask anything except, "what do yo want to pay today?"  That's it.  They want to put health in the hands of the people, and I adore S who uses the smaller silacone covered needles on me ever since he figured out I have a thing about needles....he had to unclaw my right hand off the chair to get needles into that arm.  I'm also using Evil Bone Water, whcih smells just like maple syrup but isn't sticky.... it looks like thin brown water and evaporates quickly.... such a huge sweet smell.  S use it on his back and knee..... I want to find an essential oil to help cover that BIG smell....maybe Peppermint.  DD19 uses it on her knees.  I wonder if the more gentle treatment does as much good as the agressive treatment I used to receive,but have to tell you...... that hour in the chair has become an hour I use to meditate and relax...just a very healing environment, esp since I virtually don't feel the needles and I completely trust S.  When he started using the smaller needles I didn't understand....thought maybe there was a problem..... maybe.  All is well and I notice I'm getting better at speaking up and not making assumptions.

If hope you find a reasonable accupuncture place where you are.  Even if you go for a little while, Hops.

I'm traveling to the lake today, but returning tomorrow.  Will tidy up contractor's tools and return them to him if he doesn't have some kind of plan.  My brother thinks he might have relapsed, but I'm positive his wife never would have bought him a motorcycle if he was relapsing.  She bought it to help him heal from the debilitating high blood pressure and there it is again....
I'm a war torn giver of the benefit of the doubt.  I wonder if assuming best intentions is considered a character flaw.... I bet it is by some.

I'm taking out my willingless to continue believing in humanity..... to believe people have goodness and intengrity..... and I do. I still do, very much, I do. 

I have a guest at the cottage right now.... she's traveled there with her sister after spending a week swimming with the dolphins on the other side of the island
and
she's
lovely.

She brought tupperware to the housekeeper and flea meds to the "caretaker" and she wants to chat this evening about her thoughts on my "beautiful" cottage, which she adores.  She sent pictures and didn't waste a moment worrying or feelinng resentful when she arrived to find no handsoap in the bathroom or kitchen..... she texted and I solved it.  She couldn't access the bikes, texted and I solved it then went silent while everything else went smoothly... I mean...the power went out twice and the wate ebbs an flows, but her expectations were set and she was aware and ready and I find people who seek out THAT island are generally people who go with the flow and understand island time and flow.

I'm working on belief systems and idiot compassion and acceptance and proactivity....... which worked out very well yesterday when i ran into the Yelly Guy neighbor...... noticed there wasn't even a blip of reactivity.  I was ready to just SAY whatever needed to be said and put it all to bed... whatever needed to be said.  Honestly, I could have said anything while remaining calm and completely at ease in my body. I spoke first.... which set a super calm tone and noticed he didn't baby talk me like I was a skittish bird this time. 

He petted the pug, said he missed her and it was a normal back and forth.  I think the really messed up part for me is sending every signal and being ignored then blamed bc I didn't say "You're a married man and I am disgusted at your advances.  If you breathe the wrong way I will go to your wife and tell her what you're doing,bc she deserves better than you." Or whatever women say when they're doing what society judges they SHOULD do.  See....MY body FEEEELS throwing a chin jab while shouting NO! should be enough to make the statement.... any intention toward me is unwanted and will not be tolerated, but I don't know that "society" falls for that...seems not to, honestly.

And having come to a less reactive place, I can SEE how shoving someone aside, while making a dry comment about how THAT's never going to happen might be better...... no emotion, no energetic addition to an creepy situation, kwim?  I see that,and I've seen women flirt to the extend I'd end up flopped on my back, skirt hiked up.... or so it would seem, if I DID that, but humans are odd an ciruous beings...... just trying to figure out my stuff. 

Was discussing with youngest dd how we're both agreeable people, generally, and how it doesn't serve us...... how we can morph that into something less agreeable to find more balance and comfort...... less situations where things are awkward or mortifying. 

And....it's about balance, it truly is.

I done a ruthless clearing of my closet and did a run to Goodwill yesterday.  That's been a daunting task I just had to DO, which has kept me very busy.  I'm doing a whonky job in the entire house, really...... should just pick in area an go.... as with the closet. Works better,but I'm getting lots done so won't "turn on myself" just yet, as T says. 

Youngest dd wants me to find my style and build on it...... she encourages me to give up....stop wearing.... stop housing items of clothing from people I've loved and lost or that remind me of them.....HUGE component of my closet,btw.  Moving many items to the rag pile, where I can still touch and use those fabrics, is helpful.  I also moved some to the items I intend to cut up and use parts of on other items of clothing.  I have a jeans pattern and really good fabrics, which are impossible to find in fabric stores for some reason.... why are they so thin!?1 

Anyhoo, it's likely my moss will go natural for now.... the nectotic ring is winning and I don't have it in me to do battle this time.  The moss will be a wonderful weed barrier and friend...... she was a comfort to me when I needed her most. 

If it reaches the far side yard.... I think I'll just make a pebble meditation garden.  Something I can spray down with vinegar and blow clean.

I will plant large clumps of Hosta in my handicapped neighbor's front bed...... it has a large bald spot.... the rest is blue Hydrangeas and hosta... SO PRETTY.  She has debilitating arthritis and he has Parkinson's..... trouble walking and all that goes with it.  She's so sweet and he's lovely....... it will feel amazing to plant for them in the fall.... just 5 large clumps, me ;thinks.

I'm examining WHY I'd do that..... and I don't think it's just about people pleasing or having a "nice" persona so my community doesn't turn  on me or leave me to be preyed, which has been a HUGE factor in my life since 2006....... I didn't realize how MUCh that was front and center in my mind. 

I used to have more balance, even though I was raised without proper boundaries or didn't know what they were.....
it's that I used to be able to put boundaries  in place pretty well, but sucked at enforcing them when up against any BIG force.

Now, I can see the entire field and figure out what worked, what needs to go and what needs to be put in place....... and the truth is... I want to be connected and I want fellowship.  Choosing to connect with particular neighbors, bc they're safe and lovely and I enjoy them.... is something I can embrace without my fathers' sneery assumptions popping upto knock them aside. 

My language of love, as I'm sure I've said before, is acts of service.  My sister's is too.  Helping my brother plant an entire 18 wheeler trailer of mature plants for 18 hours, while spending 400.00 on rooting liquid, hoses, hose heads, without his asking.... is a way my sister and I extend love.  I'm not sure what my brother's language of love is...... but it's different, bc he's always said no when I've asked for help with large real Christmas trees for family gatherings.  I did it with my children, from when they were in 2nd an 4th grades. Brother says no, bc it's messy, and takes time.... fake is his idea of the right way to put up a tree and I get that....but a little help would have gone so far when I've decorated by myself for Christmas every year we spent it at the lake..... lots of decoating and enoguh fresh pine to smell like Christmas and live in our children's minds and nervous systems for a lifetime....bc it was important to me. Not important to brother and I didn't judge.... just felt a bit sad we couldn't have more connection, esp at the holidays, when honestly....s ometims he just didn't show up when we had his children for the holidays..... brother spent Christmas with estranged wife without telling us he wouldn't show up and I'm putting this here bc it's one of those things that always blindsides me as somthing I could never consider doing.... just WOULD never...... bc all the food, the Christmas, the wood splitting at that time and trying to create "holiday" with cookie baking and jostling my father's wheelchair while looking alarmed and saying "earrrrrrrrtquaaaaaake" playfully was.... Christmas.... for me.  To BE with my children..... to provide and perform acts of service...... to serve.  Do laundry, make beds and take kids on nature walks....... to ride with the kids on the 4 wheelers.   To make fires and toast marshmallows..... to make sure the kids had their favorite pies. 

And so..... I'm sussing out my programming from ME and that's a job. 

::nodding::.

DD19 and I enjoying guilty pleasure...... Amber Heard receiving justice...... while oldest dd insists she not have to listen to a word of it... just not ONE word. 

Planning to mount the roof soon.... maybe at the lake and certainly at my house.... needs cleaning so bad... gutters too.  I had a roof inspection yesterday at my home and my archetectural shingles are looking good..... just the moss I have to scrub off with a nylon brush when I'm up to it.... SUCH A STEEP ROOF.  I might actually tie myself to it this time.... just to be on he safe side.  The roof at the lake is much less steep.... the problem there is getting ONTO the roof, not staying on it.

THis is a long post, so will end with 2 sizes of tadpoles in 3 containers doing very well.  I have one fresh container with rain water from a couple days ago... will shift all tads to that IF I feel that needs to happen, but leaving them to fend for themselves as i did last year..... just waiting to see little magical fairy frogs appear and dissapear..... it's joy enough. 

BTW, the accupuncture center treats up to 10 patients at a time with a large room filled with cozy lazy boys..... S rolls around from chair to chair, people coming and going throughouot the day... so it's a special place.  You might have something similar near you... not sure but you can check.  There are 2 smaller rooms with 2 chairs only, which is where dd19 and I were treated together.  I've seen couples taken to those rooms if you want to go with a friend.  Everyone  wears masks and theres an air filter system... very fancy, like the one at my dentist office.

That's my update for now.  Feels so good to clear out.... something I need to do at the lake too. 

Lighter