My brother and just life and stuff

[Twoapenny]

Hi Bean,

I know you said you didn't need a response but just wanted you to know that I read it, understand where you're coming from and am thinking of you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Green Bean)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Meh]

.............."Family and Friends there are the people you trust most when you need them to be there"

This is an advertisement that I am listening to on the radio right now.


I am trying to wake up and get back to the packing quickly though this is not a fast moving process for me right now. I wish could spend the day writing. That kind of settled chilled out feeling that is pretty much a prerequisite to really being able to spend the time to write or something.

At least I have someplace to go I guess. Though there are no coffee shops or anything around that area, kind of nowhere area. Going to take some garbage out the dumpster and grab a cup of coffee at a coffee stand then come back and resume efforts. slowly but surely

Well packing is very near to complete, little pick up truck coming here in about an hour

[Meh]

Well it is done the move is over with already though I haven't unpacked anything.

[Hopalong]

Sheesh. Hate that you had to uproot, Boat.

Hope you can create some coziness and a space for art and color.

Is there a yard? Can you grow stuff? That could be satisfying,
to plan a simple bed for spring...start collecting household compost, etc.

I hope you find things to like there...

xo
Hops

[Meh]

Hiya Hops,

Actually I don't plan on staying here for long. Not long enough for spring to come and watch anything grow. I really didn't want to come here it was just what became available in my price range and area etc. Though thank you very much for all of the well wishing. Moving made me lose my appetite this afternoon. Literally I was hungry and then I wasn't high anxiety stuff. LOL

Well today I have itchy bug bites on the back of my knees. So I think that crappy place has given me fleas or something.

I swear its ALWAYS something in life.

[Meh]

Well Today is my day off of work, so I guess I better go to do my errands, going to pack up the lap top and take it along with me etc.

[Meh]

Been asking myself why I still come here and if I even should because typically I come here and kind of complain about things that are bothering me etc.
So today I started thinking about that.

I think some of it comes from aloneness. So it seems I have identified a definition for some of my family background that I hope is overall something from the past and if it is from a different time I should/could/would or have moved on.

What I struggle with now overall is aloneness. I think if I wasn't feeling so alone in every endeavor that life wouldn't be quite as stressful possibly, maybe each little thing just wouldn't seem like impending doom.

I always feel like my life is holding on by a thread and I'm only a blink away from some kind of disaster that is out of my control.

Overall that is how I feel alone and out of control. Though, I have some tools. I have a functioning lap top which does help me to at least be connected to information.

Today at work I left early because I was having some kind of issue. If I had to explain it I would say that it's quite likely it was an anxiety attack though I'm not 100% sure sometimes panic attacks seem really legitimate. I went back to my desk two times trying to stay but just needed to leave telling the human resources person that I was going to go see a doctor though I then realized that the community health clinic which I had gone to a couple of times before takes no walk in patients whatsoever. I know that I do not need to see a doctor when I am having an anxiety attack though I felt like I had some kind of lump in my throat. When I left work I had a headache, a jaw-ache and literally could feel the tension in my face muscles and I still feel my jaw clenching.

Anyways there are some other things I must complete this evening. So I will go. I think I write here because maybe in my imagination it is like talking to an imaginary friend. I really don't know.

I have only stayed 3 days at my current rental place and already it seems like a place where I better do my best to cut my losses.

This morning the other "renter" was having a conversation with the rentee.....she is an older woman in her late 60's and it sounds like she was told she needs to move into a smaller room. As far as I can tell there are 4 rooms two of which were occupied by herself and her kid. It seems like she was trying to have the kid sleep downstairs in the living room or somewhere? So she could rent out 3 rooms.

It's not a large house. She told me she was 80,000 in debt. She only works two days a week. When I was leaving for work this morning she was running a bath and then she was back in bed watching TV.

Feeling not good about it all.

XOXO  from me    to   me?   

[Hopalong]

I ain't imaginary.
I care about you, Boat.

I had acute panic attacks for years...horriblehorrible.
And haven't had one in a decade or more. It will get better.

I think you're smart to recognize that aloneness IS a risk factor
in life. As much as poverty or mental illness. If writing here, sometimes
more or less, helps that even momentarily, it's worth doing, imo.

I know loneliness drove me here in the first place, and talking
(to myself, the ether, AND my VSMB companions) -- eases it.

Meanwhile, getting various little clarities about myself one step at a time,
has helped me a lot to also do new things in 3D world, to help
my life get better.

I hate when it's too gradual and I understand how on the edge you
feel. I hope you will keep trying to find a way to get support,
counseling you can work with, community of some kind. You
have already taken some major steps for yourself in the last
year. Then you had the trauma of your brother...and father.

No wonder you're feeling additional inner stress, on top of
work, crap housing. That's emotional wounding that CAN heal.

You're right that human connection insulates you from disaster.

I will keep you in my thoughts and light,
Hops

[Meh]

Thanks Hops

[Meh]

Today I signed paperwork to transition from a contract employee to a regular, no major change in benefits or wage so it was rather pointless. Stressful also.

I'm tired of change. especially when it is not particularly gratifying

[Twoapenny]

Bean I think the aloneness is what many people find difficult.  I find the sheer weight of what needs to be done every day overwhelming.  From the small things - like every drink and snack - to the big things like the fence needing repairing and the house needing redecorating, to the really big things like not being able to sustain relationships and worrying about my son - it all has to be done by just me, and I guess that's the same for you.  Added to that I just seem to find most people annoying these days so I end up staying in by myself because it's less energy than dealing with people who are driving me nuts.  I wish I had an answer - if I come up with one I will let you know!

[Meh]

Had a weird dream about being prego and fatty. aka pregnancy. So I googled meaning of that type of dream

Came here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/13/dreams-about-being-pregnant_n_891547.html

Found this paragraph kind of interesting, the bit about the power. Mainly because in North America we are supposed to be past women's lib. and also because it reminds of an aspect about Narcissism.

Who tends to have dreams about being pregnant most frequently?

 "Dreaming about being pregnant is an extremely common dream, particularly for women," Mead says. "However, I've had some male clients who also have pregnancy dreams. Since becoming a mother is one of the more socially accepted ways women get to experience and wield power, it can be a very rich and varied territory for dream analysis."

[Meh]

Last night I had a dream that made me wake up feeling a bit funky and sad, sucks when a dream starts the day off like this.

The environment was in some kind of town/city as in some place that was kind of like las vegas or a china town. Don't have the time to write this now. Though not sure if it matters.

Was with my father and I lost him in the crowd, didn't know what hotel he was staying in had no way to find him.

Walked around the winding congested metro area and couldn't find.

Feeling Rat Racy it's my day off and I can't relax.

At job I was signed on permanently, got a letter from my staffing company just said thank you for your service. Typically there would have been a paycheck in it. There wasn't so it means I might have to wait for the next pay cycle. I don't think that is fair they didn't even tell me they wouldn't be sending the check this week and I was still employed with them.

[Hopalong]

Sweeter dreams tonight, Boat.
I note that some part of you misses your father.

Is that something you want to think about?

love
Hops

[Meh]

The part of me that has some emotional feeling about my father is a little kid/child part of the emotional life that is too naïve to know any better.

It's not a priority in my life