Mindfulness and codependence thread

[lighter]

I'd love to hear the story.  Thank God you scared the guy away.  They want easy victims....easier than you.

 What do you carry in your purse? 

Amber.....that would be funny, even if it escalated the situation.

I just don't have the bandwidth to think up harmless man traps right now.  Maybe when this renovation is done and I'm not traveling so much; )

Lighter

[lighter]

There's been a small shift with the negative thoughts.  They're still there, but come and go with less notice.

This gave me more insight into the most difficult people in my life.  I have more compassion for them now.

Lighter

[Meh]

I used to always have a knife in my purse. It's a rather easy thing and very effective. I mean I lived in the city and had various "situations" in my life.

But really even Amazon has various utility belts for women. You are quite busy and you can legitimately have things like box cutters, hammers with you.

Not to get too crazy or anything. It's just, you know, if you are feeling nervous... sometimes women can just decide they don't want to play that game.

xoxo  Good luck

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, Amber.  DD18 and I talk without pretending, thank God.  I have a small group of friends who enjoy talking about our truths, but I'm not sure how to go about my day with everyone else.  Mostly I'm focused on whatever task I'm working at.  I'm often not chatty ATALL, but then I can be super engaged with people dealing with troubles...it's interesting to think about how one presents....authentic vs fake.  Serious vs playful.  Engaged vs distracted.

My internal dialogue right now is....

Ya, Lighter...... you had a thought, were reminded of X,  just keep trotting past that very real thing we're beyond now, it's ok.

I think having a response is better than letting the reactivity hang there....left to self correct while part if me observes.....tapping an agitated toe.....with expectations.

Back to non judgmental awareness.

Still no mail.  Last night DD18 and I checked the mailbox and DD Said....
"Crazy Cat Man knows how to stop short of trouble with the law.  It's like he's balancing his self control with skirting any consequences."

She's so right about that.

Lighter

I think a lot of people know just how far they can go before the police would actually do anything, Lighter, and I find that both scary and frustrating.  I hope he stops bothering you.

I am working very hard not to engage with other people's troubles, at all.  I've been quite surprised at how quickly people are backing away if I just don't engage.  I think I've always been so focused on doing 'something' if someone's having a difficult time that it's not occurred to me before just to not do it and then see if they (a) reconnect anyway because they enjoy my company/conversation/time even if I don't try to problem solve for them or (b) don't reconnect because they've gone elsewhere with their problems.  My highly annoying neighbours haven't even tried to speak to me for a couple of weeks, simply because the last time I saw each of them I just said 'hi' and didn't engage further.  Who knew it was that easy to put out a 'don't talk to me' vibe that would be taken up and adhered to?  I hope you continue to find your truth and your own place of balance xx

[lighter]

Won't sound crazy to me, Mouse.  I trained in offensive tactical self defense for many years.  Everything is a weapon....rolled up magazine, pencil......edged weapons are a great equalizer. 

You have good instincts.  Many women have learned to ignore and stuff them deep in a hole. 

Lighter

[lighter]

Yall.YG neighbor sent 2 messages since I saw him and claimed away quickly.  They read like a high school boy sent them.  I continue to ignore, bc he's so very clueless.  Any response would be an invitation to chaos, ime.

The first text was him offering to explain what set off his timing for the chat in the woods.  He doesn't get the chat was the problem.  The woods the problem.

The second text was aimed at my sister....he apparently went through his old texts to her and said he wasn't asking her out, never asked out, he always meant to include me, which is a huge problem.....he's married.  I'm not interested. WTH?

I realize I couldn't remain steady during any chat with him.  Snark and ridicule would sneak out during his ignorant victim making excuses instead of saying sorry I did A, B and C.  Won't happen again, we're cool.

[lighter]

Every Time I text or get a notification I see YG's texts.  It bugs me.  I consider ditching them....then documenting anxiety kicks in.  If I ditch them, he can say anything he likes, etc.

Just a proper waste of time, top to bottom.  It's been glorious at the lake.  Weather perfectly crisp and breezy...not hot or cold.  The sun hot.  Breeze cool.  They take turns on my skin, perfectly balanced.

I manage to remain more positive, in general I notice.  Every once in a while a rabbit hole swallows me and I let it.  It has so.ething it wants to show me, so I look without guilt or judgment.

There's always some understanding I claim....something new.  Maybe it's bc the absence of judgment left a bit if space.  Not sure, but I'm feeling pretty steady.

Typically, it feeeels like something pops up when I'm sturdier.  Oldest DD20 texted a question about having jaundice...what would that mean.  A shot if adrenaline hit me as I remembered Bill's liver shutting down over 5 months dying with cancer.  His color.  The poison in his body he couldnt clear.  The hallucinations and watching his face as he left his poor body.

Now I'm back contemplating why DD20 suspects she had jaundice....shes very bright.  Did a co worker at the eye clinic mention it?  And she's said nothing since that text.

I'm already leaving message for nutritionist to make appt for DD20....how to make that work. 

Oh, DD20 just texted the whites of her eyes are a bit yellow.  Will see about it tomorrow.

:: breathing::

In the meantime we're cooking, cleaning, dealing with ongoing sorting/edit, looking ahead at bath renovation and readying to drive home.  All the sheetrick and checkerboard is up.  The vanity electrical box needs to be moved.  The medicine cabinet needs to be framed in.  Contractor has been told he's losing next phase of the job, bc he's falling too far behind schedule.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Oh, Lighter.  I don't know much about technology but I wondered if there's any other place that the messages could be stored - laptop, someone else's phone, cloud?  Just somewhere that you have them should you need them but won't see them each time your phone beeps.

You sound busy with everything else that's going on.  I hope the jaundice doesn't turn out to be that.  Understandable that it triggered a memory of Bill having similar.  But things will pop up as we go through life, I think, it does sound like things don't throw you completely off course any more?  Which is an amazing achievement and step forward for you xx

[lighter]

I think DD20 does not have jaundice.

[lighter]

I've been eating right, for me, and walking quite a bit lately, which is walking meditation.  Same with weeding, which I did today for a few hours.  Productive, even though the soil is dry.....I think the moss is so thick, very little weed root is growing in the soil.  Lots of wedding got done.

In the middle if weeding

So, I'm between retired nurse's yard and mine when Y G walks through my trail and engages.  He wants to know if I got his 2 texts and he sounds like a defensive teenager.

As I write this I see his wife looking at the big truck and livestock trail is blocking my driveway.....a cow is loose and it looked like a golf cart and the truck were going to drive through my yard, but fior the retired nurse greeting them at the road where she was gardening.

I didn't want to know what they were doing....I already had the pug spill my coffe as a stranger, lovely woman, thanked me for letting her use the trail.  I was trying to enjoy the yard and that one cup of coffee. Just one. I've been thinking about shutting the trail down, bc it upsets the pug so much.  She's barking her head off now, bc if the cow people and the truck is still there, blocking oldest DD getting into our drive. 

WHY?   They could park and block nothing.  They could block someone else, but no.  They left the truck fully blocking just my drive and talked through my yard, who knows where.  I hope they find their cow.  I do.  But now my household is in chaos, despite work to stop the pug barking after a few woofs.

Pug is going nuts. 

Back to weeding in the yard earlier.....  I noticed a child screaming a street or 2 over and I struggled with distraction.  Relaxed into what came up.  I was tense, upset, wanted the child to be ok and wasn't sure it was.  There was zero enjoyment while that child screamed.  The pug screaming is the same.  Just waiting for it to pass. 

Anyhow, YG walks through my yard while I was weeding and asks if I got his texts.....sounding like a defensive teen boy.  He's likely 60yo.

I was calm and perfectly comfortable working with my back to him.  He wanted to have discussion.  I was surprisingly comfortable with silence.  I refused to look him in the eye.  I was busy....no time for him.

Eventually he blurted out stupid enough statements I shot him snarky looks, but wasn't tempted to speak snark at him. 

Soon, it was apparent he would never say..,"I was dumb, excuse my innapropriate behavior in the woods.  I was wrong and UT will never happen again....lets go back to being cordial neighbors, if we can."

He had it in his head he'd timed it wrong then said his wife didn't have cancer and tried launching into her colon and I cut him off....if she wanted me to know this personal information she'd share it with me herself.  No more divorce talk or wife talk....I was never interested in him, would never be, neither would my sister and he didn't know me.

He shot back...."You don't know me."  It reminded me of the French guy trying to change,my NO into a YES, bc....of course he was entitled to be known by me....to be given a chance....to pluck me off a tree, how could it be otherwise in their world?

The sweet ukelele maker entered the yard with his lovely dog.  We chatted....it was a little weird, bc YG was all glum and pouty, so odd.  They left together and I finished what I was doing befire they came back through.

Now YG has heard and seen definitive Nod from me, which is when get the weirdest ime.  I said what I had to say....resenting every word.  YG begins light neighborly chatting, sans anything else, or he gets asked to stay off my trail and stop speaking at all.  There have to be boundaries, spoken boundaries, apparently. 

Truck is still blocking my drive.  I calmed pug with treats.  She's snoring under my feet, but hears voices again....maybe cow wrangler and she's barking again.

I have plans with moss friend L tomorrow.  I've missed her very much.  We'll try to finish framing the Snowy Egret.....its huge.  I'm having trouble finding oversized Matt board.

They just moved the truck and said baby cows were found.  Apparently they own a restaurant and will send pizza to the house for blocking the drive so long.  DD20 will be happy about it.  DD18 and I will resent the smell of pizza we can't eat. 

Lighter

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

(((((Lighter)))))))

I felt recognition as I read through your post.  I have realised in this last couple of weeks that every difficult or unpleasant interaction that I have stems from me being nice to someone at an earlier stage.  It's in my nature to be nice.  I feel for the lonely, the socially awkward, the sick, the disabled, the elderly, the child that doesn't get invited to the party, the man that people think is a weirdo because he lives alone and keeps to himself.  You know what I mean.  And I know from my own experiences that someone being friendly, asking how you are, saying something positive or constructive to you, can make such a difference to a day.  So generally, I'm nice to people.  But I've realised that means I end up dealing with people and situations that I don't want to have to deal with.  The elderly neighbour with his sex stories, the mum up the road asking for babysitting favours, the lady at the bus stop yesterday who, after I said hello to her, talked about herself for nearly twenty minutes without drawing breath.  It tires me out and it sounds like you're tired, too.

I think if I were in your situation at the moment I'd be inclined to shut that trail down (I'm assuming it's not a public right of way) - and if that means having to put a gate/fence/wall up then I'd be inclined to do that.  It sounds like it's a positive benefit for other people but not for you.  I think you need your quiet and your privacy (and so does Pug, by the sound of it ).  You can always open it up again in the future if you want to, and you can put up a nice note in advance, explaining that it's causing problems for the dog etc etc, if you want to.   I'd also be inclined to tell YG, very firmly, to fuck off.  No neighbourly chats or anything else, no contact at all.  He clearly doesn't hear no in any way shape or form and I think he'll just keep doing this.  It's not fair on you and you shouldn't be having to put up with his unsolicited attention.  I think that needs to be spelt out to him very clearly, unpleasant though that is for you to do (and irritating that it is for you to do it).  Rotten that you have to deal with this xx

[Twoapenny]

I just had another thought in case you don't want to chance confrontation with him and that's whether it would be worth speaking to a lawyer or logging it with the police, just so there's a record of it?  I don't know how the laws are over there and what the best way forward would be, but when I was having a lot of problems with my mum I was given advice on the best way to word a letter to her telling her to stop.  I wasn't in a situation where I could take her to court but the solicitor said that if I made it clear that she was to keep away and that x, y and z weren't acceptable from her then if she continued it would mean I could take her to court and get a restraining order.  So I wondered if that's possible - even if it's in relation to trespass if he's on your private land?  I know that won't count if the trail is public but I'd check it out.  He needs to be got rid of xx

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

I'm really hoping YG loses the pout and goes back to acting whatever kind if normal he can muster now that I've made clear exactly how I feel. 

I did leave my phone in dd20's car last night, so paid attention to how I handled the idea it was lost.

No panic.  Some problem solving ideas came up.  Considered if I was being punished upsetting YG.  Reflected on times I've felt adrift and gut punched.  Determined what he's feeling, manipulative or in crisis, isn't my business and did what I could to find my phone, which included a 7am trip to the grocery store dd20 and I visited last night.....just in case I left it there.

Without distraction, I had some time to think.

I'm also, sadly, sneaking up on the idea of closing down the trail.  DD18 is upset by the idea of upsetting the neighbors.  Dd20 doesn't care at all and wholeheartedly gave her chickenhearted mother permission to blame the pug by posting a sign written by said pug requesting everyone using the trail find other access as she's a ferocious guard oh, MUST do her duty and all the traffic seriously upsets our household Zen.  Surely, all neighbors will understand, right?

::sigh::

Closing the trail is the right thing to do.  Upsetting in the short term.  Better mental health in the longterm.  I show the girls how to put boundaries in place, deal with upset people and enforce those boundaries.

What you said about making people feel better....that's super familiar.  My feeling responsible for people's reactions confuses me, but I know it's reactive and requires tending to, sans judgment.

I'll deal with the trail the same way I dealt with YG....when I was ready and had internalized my truth so remaining calm and resolute, without being yanked off course, happens naturally.

Thanks for your input, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hmm. The easiest way to close the trail is to close it to everyone (and avoids specifying the real problem). But then, that's depriving people who haven't done anything wrong, isn't it?

Just throwing this out into the mix, while you're pondering.

[lighter]

I wish I could put you in charge of the trail issue, CB!  In a way I'm shocked I've allowed all the barking and chaos for so long.

Now.....WOULD I want to allow any of the neighbors to use the trail?  Maybe 2 families.  Maybe just 1. 

::imagining orange tape blocking trail::

At least for a while. 

The next street over, with similar access to the walking trails, used to have people parked there all the time.  The guy occupying the same position on that street, as my house, put up ugly barrels the whole way around the culdesac to stop people.  I'll have to do something, at least for a while.

Blocking the pug's view if the street will quiet her as people walk to our yard, see the sign then turn around.

Oh oh.....so I'm packing the car this morning....literally walked out of the house ONE time and see the walking neighbor coming my way, or so I thought.  I ignore him, bc we never speak....he has ear buds in.  He never comes onto my property,.  Just walks by.  Today he jogs into my yard and says..."Have a safe trip."  I looked up to see YG.....I mistook him for the other guy, bc YG always has his dog with him, but not today.  DD18 was mortified by how awkward it felt.  10 minutes later YG jogs back through my trail....DD18 wonders out loud....why "jog" into the park if you're just gonna jog a few minutes and turn around.  YG never jogs, btw.  He walks his dog in the afternoon. Just....odd and where did the dog go? 

I am bugged and HE bugs me.  I assume this is the spurned man getting into shape phase....man about to file divorce jog?  Just.....
my yard is the very wrongest yard to DO that.   

Aside from that I had an amazing morning and visit with moss friend yesterday.  We finished framing my Snowy Egret signed print, so handsome!  I picked it up this morning.

I cleaned out another friend's pantry, fridge and freezer....bags and bags of it.  She's doing the Whole 30 program.  We cooked meatballs, soup and meatloaf, then froze in single portions.  It was a good day.

Lighter