I'm moving through my days listening to Micheal Singer's 5 episode Podcast on Sounds True forum.
I've only listened to the first two, twice, but it's presenting information I've heard before DIFFERENTLY, which is how I make connections more quickly/deeply/internalize them, IME.
On my walk with baby girl pug I noticed I've been fretting a bit about DOING all this work on my father's home now that he's gone. Now that the caretaker is gone. Now that the house has ended for them and begun for us.
And it comes up again and again. I notice I have this little conversation with myself about how Dad would have made it miserable for me to DO tthis. Then I remember how he treated me when I worked on this house....... he accused me of adding money to the costs of the things I purchased cheap at the Mart, while paying what at the time was really expensive parking out of my pocket myself. I bought tile and killed my transmission hauling it to the lake, and Dad offered to pay for it, but I said it wasn't the tile and handled it myself.
When it was time to sell his home closer to the city, I pulled out the old carpet and painted and cleaned and had a HUGE garage sale where I would make people take two extra boxes of stuff IF they wanted THAT box of stuff, then I'd stuff things in their trunk while they packed the box they wanted......... moved and I shaked and I found the buyer, set the closing, tried to get Dad to finance the sale for 30 years, but he acted like I was trying to steal his money and he insisted it be a 15 year mortgage, which turned out to be somewhat devastating for him, bc of the botched surgery situation (I tried to save him from, but.....) BUT BUT BUT.....
And that's how time at the lake could go, can go, has gone..... and I don't want to do it anymore.
Dad put money on other people's orders for a living...he designed and produced POP items, walked them through and delivered them, got paid and so he expected everyone to DO that, even though it wasn't what I did TO him.
He also was a part of the HE-MAN Woman HATER'S CLUB.He HATED our mother and that marriage began with him making fun of her parents till she cried.... SO MUCH FUN. Once she stopped crying, it wasn't fun anymore. I can't imagine being married to that, but she could. She did. And when Dad looked at my sister and me..... HE SAW MOM. Words like slut, shit and out cattin around came out of his mouth when he looked at us. You look like a slut....... like shit..... like you've been out cattin around. Bleck, but that was life with Dad.
I remember my brother asking Dad how many houses have you bought for women? He did this on the tail of Dad stating something non sensical about men having to hand houses over to women, presumably during divorces, but Dad didn't have to hand our Mother ANYTHING when she left. It was written into the agreement she'd get 5K..... I think, when the house sold. I had the house on the market and it was going to be sold, but Mom had forgotten about what, for her at that time, was nothing money. During the divorce it was EVERYTHING money and I bet Dad swore he'd never ever ever sell it, and meant it.
She would have left with nothing, but us. She took almost nothing in child support.... 80.00 per child and then the lumping sister and I into WOMEN who TAKE from men stuff began. We didn't get any help from my Brother and Dad regarding Paternal Grandfather putting his hands on every woman who didn't have her elbows in a defensive position to fend him off. My sister and I used to keep our coats on to deal with it, then not get back in the grab zone again.
So, selling the in town house....... I did the work to improve it, then listed it and acted as realtor to collect a realtor's fee listed as an independent contractor's fee at the closing, which I attended and Dad did not.
I was very hurt when he refused finance it for 30 years.... it was good money... I think over 5%, maybe 7%. Just nuts.
Anyway..... I'm working on this house now. Touching the things I purchased 25 years ago, moving and shaking, same as I am today and these things keep coming up for me. And I have conversations with Dad and myself, which I've figured out, but the Brother piece...
THAT piece is something I don't want to push aside. I want to do what I can, THEN put it on the shelf. What can I do?
Dad was marked and bent by ASPD woman hating uncles, being short and married to a beauty queen knock out with big blue eyes.... then a knock out brunnette with big brown eyes and I swear, tormenting them was fun. He called it "figuring out what made them tick" but he liked to poke them emotionally and watch them react. Make fun of his gf's youngest child, a beloved son, then stand back and watch her react. Take back the engagement ring and watch her react. Just... dreadful and I blocked a lot of it, bc..... trauma. Not happy. Just blocked it. Once I walked in on Dad wrapping a phone cord around gf's throat (they dated for 18years) and he stopped what he was doing, walked over to me, turned me to face the door and pushed me out. I remember driving away, head buzzing, completely freaked out..... not sure if I was angrier at the violence or the liklihood they've have hot sex after the fight....... just..... what the absolute hell? I believe his reason was gf had been having sex with someone else and he'd been spying on her, there was ONEhouse between their homes, mind you... and she'd been stupid enough to have sex in front of a window he could see into WHILE engaged to him and he'd caught her and needed to wrap the cord around her throat..... you get the picture. Completely dysfunctional, entitled, erratic, violent, gross innapropriateuglyrelationship with his BEST FRIEND'S WIFE and Dad was all about INTEGRITY!! You have nothing if you have no integrity!!!! He'd pound his fist on the dinner table and make you jump out of your skin... while having sex with his best friend's wife, but then....
brunettes run a little hotter.
Mom was blonde.
Just, so messed up and my brother is 3 years younger and living with Dad. What did he see and hear?
THIS is what I want to think about. Not the other stuff. Not the WHY of why I didn't want to renovate his homes while he was INSIDE them. I knew why. If he stopped to think about it, esp while drinking, he'd remember why too.
But little brother..... who collapsed into Dad's arms when he was..... 9yo? When he chose to live with Dad and not Mom..... was struggling in school and Mom was struggling to make rent and buy food..... and behave like a teenager, to boot. These were Saturday Night Fever days..... Mom loved to dance. She loved to go out. She loved to be loved and she turned every head when she walked into a room..... I think Brother was already with Dad when my sister lit the kitchen on fire at that first apartment..... a grease fire, I think. Pretty much we were on our own...... and that wasnt how we were raised, so it was pretty bad.... and I can't imagine what little chap brother went through, but it was bad, bc... collapsing in Dad's arms. Not compassionate arms. Nope nope nope and I wonder how brother is marked by his experiences.
He's marked, I know that. He tends to always be on the phone with someone. Sometimes, if no one else answered first, I have to assume, bc I'm not a favorite person of his, nope nope nope. And I listen.... every time..... almost, bc I recognize he doesn't want to be in his head, alone. I never really thouight much about it, till now, bc I want to get to know him better. NOT bc I want to fix him..... just uderstand and attune to.
Iv'e walked the pug and had a good breakfast, which was shoving roasted chicken and raw spinach into my mouth, chewing then swalowing it down.... forcing it, really, to keep my hormones bouncing along this amazing direction. I really do have energy and creativity firing off and it's really..... great. I'm loving BEING me again.
DD19 is melting down, has been for a few days. She's blaming me and DD21.... accusing us of ganging up on her.... saying I have a new favorite child. DD 21 used to claim DD20 was the favorite and punished/tormented me for years. Youngest's turn, but I'm trying to rise above it. Not ride her air currents, but creaate my own, up above them. Hold compassion for her while she creates them.
Both girls refused to speak to the Trauma Informed T I found through my T. I just let them say NO, even though they were each asking for herr, bc only one family member can see a T. It's odd, but I've done what I can and that has to be enough for now.
I think the contractor will be here today and I'm very happy about that.
Lighter
