What would you think about this comment?

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny, I know what you say is exactly the way he is thinking.

 

he will feel like he has nothing to live for.

This concerns me, I'm so torn and feel like his Rabbid mind will not let go of his distorded reality.
I'ts so difficult when his threating words and willingness to leave us, if given the chance could be his fear of losing his control of us.

Telling him to get in the boat before we drown, but he stays frozen on the dock, left alone to face the man in the mirror.
 It becomes such emotional upheavel for me. I may try one more time to get him in the boat, before tomorrow. I will tell him to let us go to Dallas VS I'm filing divorce papers. I will still go the workshop.
he needs to get where he will have help in the future from family.
if he continues to not to get in my boat, I can see what his plans are for being on his own without us. I need to force the issuie. It will likley be lies comming from him but I need him to say what he thinks is his reality.
He is trying to be nicey nice and I believe it is his Idea of not wanting to leave us, but we all stay and drown.

I'm confused sorry, I need to  force the issuie while he is being nice. the only way to bring out the surpression of where his reality is.
will let you know how it goes

onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

Hi mum, bunny and bludie.

I just explained my intentions to my H's brother he simply said to let him know what my plans are and he will help us get settled.
I should not tell my H anything if Im fearful of his reaction.

I have not mentioned anything today to rock the boat here. I have a big pit in my stomach and guess until I speak with these people tommorrow I will know better how to proceed. I was feeling brave, but have not had the courage to look my fear in the eyes. I may only test the water with the idea of my job opportunity and taking it now and have him meet us there.

My H is home now, my D and I are going to a friends house to visit her maybe have pizza and watch a move.


Just for kicks....Here sign this divorce paper and Happy Valentines day?

[mum]

Onlyrenting: Just wanted to say goodnight. Try to get some sleep, focus on what you want to create for yourself, keep breathing and letting go of the pain every minute.  Feel inside how you want to feel.  Keep your focus on that.  Good luck tomorrow.
I feel sure that everyone of your supporters here is sending you love and light....let that energy carry you, you are not alone.  Remember: good things happen to you.

[Anonymous]

onlyrenting1, Wow, I'm so impressed with your daughter's dream interpretation!  Is this something you've talked about with her before?  In any case I think it shows that your daughter is very aware for her age.  You're influence on her shows.

[onlyrenting1]

Mum, Guest and all,

On the dream interpetation, I had her sit down and type her thoughts.
I came back and typed the notes on the top about what I was having her do.
 I must say I was impressed by her insights. I try and not put words in her mouth, so she will stand stong in her own thoughts. I submitted what ever she typed, thought it would be intresting from her. I was too close to the story line. Thought Mum might get a Kick out of it.
 

My D wrote

the gardner is someone who was before not able to see what was going on but now is able to help you and all the other pepole are pepole who where you may not see it but they care about you

I read Mums, dream to her, leaving out any clues about it being directed about myself. I wanted her to hear the story and see if she could understand with any depth.

First she tells me it could be about a young girl and her cruel Aunt. Her Aunt was the beast, I asked her to sit down and type what she thinks, I was surprized what she wrote.

I had only just read it myself when I read it to her, she clued in on the Gardners head phones,  she added the part about a relationship and the Jerk-Dr Jeckel , Mr Hide.
 
I was surprized about  Mum's dream, It was telling about how I feel.
I think I wanted to test my D to see if she could understand the terror of the beast holding onto you, if you let go you pludge to your death. But what a happy ending, there are people who care and want to help.

It gave me hope and I decided to reach out ask for a life saver from my BIL. I told him if  I found I needed help would he be there for us.
He said just let him know how he can help.


The H was being nice today, we left after he came home with rental movies to watch. Went to our neighbors house, drove to get pizza and took one of the movies he brought home and watched it over her house.

It was sad, she kicked her H out because like my H he has medical problems, He has a pump inside his stomach and tends to overuse his meds, he is living back at home.
 
She was going to send him a valentines day card and while going thru some things in the desk she finds some Divorce papers, filled out. She was shocked to learn that she was the presenter. not sure what his goal would be by putting her name as the presenter.

We had a chance to discuss how our lives were alike.
How the meds, the pain you see them in and how they both want everyone to think it's you with the problem. Maybe he wanted his family to think she wrote the Divorce papers so they would feel sorry for him.

I did learn there was an on-line site that will guide you step by step on filing, you type everything in and print out your forms. I will be looking into this, found out about somethings to get prepared for on Monday.

We all had a nice visit, she said how at night the house gets lonely,
she was glad to have some company.  

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers ......Onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

HI,

 Well there was no workshop the left hand doesn't know what the right is doing. But just the same, found out some informaiton.

I talked to an attorney on the phone, she said if I want to leave the state I can. If I have not filed Divorce papers and My H- has not filed any papers to say she can't leave.  Im good to leave, so I have to keep it QT,
even from her.

Today I did tell my H- I want to start looking for apartments to move.
he said go ahead. I got back from my trip to the court house.
He had another LETTER, saying how he will only reply with a polite YES or NO, he has doctors orders not to get stressed because of the blot clot, you know he could die.

He mentions my wanting MY WAY to move to Dallas.  He said he will NOT be pushed to get stressed about my plans.

So bottom line don't file Divorce papers, I may need to file later but subject to a residence time line (6mos or so) before I can file in another state.

Do any of you have some thoughts on this plan??? Get the Hell out ask questions later????


onlyrenting1

[Anonymous]

Hi there,
Do you feel confident in the information you obtained over the phone? It's different when you retain an attorney because they then have an obligation as to their representation.

I am no authority on the law. But I do sense your concern for you and your daughter's safety, onlyrenting1. What are you leaning toward? Would it be worth getting another legal opinion to substantiate what you were told today?

Obviously, it would be a heck of a lot easier to get out now and worry about the details later. Have you thought of trying to contact a Texas lawyer and see if the statutes are the same or similar on family law matters? I've probably given you more questions than answers. Just don't want to steer you in the wrong direction. Lots to think about, huh? You're really doing a good job of doing the footwork and figuring out a reasonable way out of this mess. I admire your courage and fortitude.

Best,

bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie,

I feel so out of wack. I can go on-line to file D-papers, I know that now.
I will be searching for important documents that I will need and keep this as my focus. the on-line filing will make sure you file correcty, so maybe the work shop is not needed. I picked up the form for the Child/spousal support, I can still look at what I need have is done as fast as I can and submitt here in CA if thats what I have to do.
I would call another lawyer from the same legal aid and get some more feed back. I guess I wanted leave and once she said I could, I just said good enough for me.

I may want to find out about separation, how it works.

its a good Idea to check out what the laws are in Texas, what the school districts are teaching and what the difficulties would  be for my D.
it may help me weigh my importance of the the time line.

My BIG fear is you give the N time and they will have it all figured out, so you get screwed. I think I will ask for the world and see if I get it.

The world would be to move everything but what would fit in my H's van, he stays here until he takes care of what ever is keeping him here. See ya when ever. have a moving van that drives your stuff, we fly. this happens in march.

I just got a note from my BIL, he said to advise him,
I'm wondering should I not involve him at all? If my H had not been on Disablity for the past 5 years I would not be so desparate.

Note from BIL:

I talked to H today and he seemed to be O.K. I honestly believe that he would not want to have you and D. leave him. He is ready to move and to go to Dallas, as you are and I think you should try to work together to make it happen. I think he feels that I am his brother and you do not get the help but he does. Like it matters to me, I only want both of you to be happy and to have a nice home for all three of you. Anyway he is trying to be more compatible and I think you should do whatever you need to get out of the environment there please advise me.

I think he wants to help, but I still get the pull from my H, his brother is the the Gardner in MUMs dream with head phones and my H will attack him so he can't or will make it difficult to help me.

will pray for guidance and strength.  thanks bludie

[Anonymous]

bludie and Only:

I have been reading this thread.  

Bludie:  I remember a girlfriend of mine, she divorced her bipolar N.  He was stalking her by parking outside her neighbors house.  She did not know this.  Her neighbors would go out at 3 Am and tell him to leave or they would call the police.  I think you should tell your neighbors that they should be on the lookout for him and to let  you know if he is continuing to do this.  Tell them to call the police.  It is a horse of a different color if total strangers start calling the police on the N, when his behavior is inappropriate. They will nail his butt for doing that.  My girlfriend's neighbors did this and they were able to use this in court as to his instability.  Patz

Only:  I really feel you need to go to a woman's shelter until you can leave.  With most narcs they hear what you say but they don't understand it until they see the actual thing in progress  i.e. you actually walking at the door.  That is when the  xxxx hit's the fan.  It is all well and good for him to intellecutalize about the matter but it is entirely different when he is in pain, no one is there to hear his blathering.  He will obessess about "how you done him sooo wrong".   From my point of view you owe him no explanation.........your daughter is a teenager....no experience in life matters.  Your first consideration must be for your safety.  If  you are not safe, then your daughter is not.  

I also left my narc H when he was ill.  It was very hard thing to do.  I had to do it.  He had run up about 150K in bills.  He was on the computer working on "contracts", yeah right, you should have seen all the crap on that computer after he passed away.  He was a total deviate.  Don't let his "oh whoa is me" bs get to  you after you leave either.  He is a narc, will always be a narc.  Call another attorney in D.  If he comes to Texas, they will throw his butt in jail in a heart beat for stalking  you.  They are really tough over there.

I really think you should tell your brother in law that he has threaten you with a gun.  Finding that stuff on the Claudine Longet and Savitch case is chilling.  I saw the documentary on that.  She was totally obessessed with this guy and lost it totally when he dumped her.  Just reach out to as many people you can, who can help you and your daughter.  You must escape this situation asap.  Patz

[onlyrenting1]

Patz, thanks for your direction and thoughts

My BIL, called today and asked me to let him know what I wanted to do.
come up with a plan and with a little time he would help me out.

I asked my H, what his plans were , he said he would write it down.
I got a LETTER, the letter says I'm unstable with no concerns but my own, wanting to move and take our daughter out of school would not be fair to her. He claims he is not able to move now because of his blood clot and his brother would not want to help me.  

That's 16weeks until summer, the weeks are flying buy.
maybe if he wasn't the unstable one I would not be so uptight.

Thursday I will have time to investigate the time lines and speak with some other experts on divorce. I may learn it would be better to divorce here and learn what guide lines Texas follows to make a decision.

I will get with the womens shelters in the local area and what their guide lines are. I want stability for my D and now I'm second guessing taking her out at this time.

My H said something like were ok for now like we wouldn't be later, so Im going to keep plugn along preparing for divorce no later than 16 weeks.
I'm going on line now to look for the application on the divorce web site.

I could keep wishing this would be easy for everyone, but I get the feeling this will be getting more difficult before it's all over. No pain
NO gain.

onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

HI everyone,

Well I Called a family shelter today to check out what it was about.
I don't qualify unless I will be homeless and no place to live.
they have no available places for another 2mos.

the other two numbers I was given, I called a church and the Salvation Army, would only let you leave a message.

This morning my H- made a comment about how I was the unstable one and he would want me to have a blood test ??

I told him he was the one making comments about getting a gun and shooting me.  GET this, he was Sleep Walking.

This was his message on his web site chat box:

Whats wierd is as you know 3 years ago Lil dreamer could have the world from me, now as a 12 year old ,i'm limited in my indulgence ( i was Elvis & Lisa Marie )
Wed 16th 02, 05 | 23:0

I do believe as our daughter gets older he finds dealing with a teen more  difficult. maybe this is common with the N's.


I looked into the moving vans and possibly just getting in a moving van and driving on my own. Of course My daughter still doesn't want to move.
I told her I just looked into some shelters incase we need to leave.
trying to not alarm her of leaving the state.
She didn't want to talk about it.
We made it another day and for now I will be glad for that.

Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Only:
Is it possible for you to go by the Salvation Army in person?  Look the place over and see how long you are able to stay and if they have any other reccommendations?

Yes, as your daughter really becomes more independent and having a mind of her own, there will be clashes and your H will not be able to handle it.  How can he manage her when he is not a  manager of his own life?

Realizing that your daughter does not want to move does not negate the necessity of getting out of your situation.  As with all of us here, we are caretakers of these N's in a lot of respects and leaves very little for ourselves.  Having said this, it is very important to take care of yourself because if you don't you can't take care of your daughter.

Just keep working through how to get out and keep on keeping on.  It is the only way to make your situation better.  Much love, Patz

[bludie]

Onlyrenting1,
My goodness. You are always so diligent about following through, checking into options, and considering all possibilities. Good for you. You're amazing.

If the shelter isn't an option is there a possibility that your BIL would pay for an Inn Suites type of arrangement for a month or so? Could you just put it on a credit card or something? You don't need to go into your financials but I just want you to be/feel safe and am trying to conjecture a bit.

If the shelters can't accommodate you what are other short-term options until you leave for Dallas?

I know. I know. Always more questions. Never feel you have to answer unless you're so inclined. Just trying to help by looking at this from other angles.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

In an emergency, if you show up at the shelter door, they'll help you.

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie, Patz, and guest.

Keep giving me questions to ask myself, it helps me so much.
I have so many things on my mind , you give me great direction, and I feel more confident I'm covering the unexpected.

You stay married for 26yrs, you just have no clue what is out there and available. Like Patz, son who needs to drag his feet to know he is grounded as he swings high off the ground feeling unsure of his surroundings. ( I love that thought ) Patz your son is so lucky to have you.

2. I will try and call the salvation army again  and go check it out like you suggest.

3. short term plans, I have been letting a few people know I may need to make some emergency decisions and not sure what direction I will take.
I will maybe make a run to a neighbors and call the police to have him removed, first. Then move my stuff to a storage unit, take a plane to dallas get out of the area and come back later and drive my stuff.

4. My boss said I could use my sick-leave and vacation pay to keep me going that's about 5-6weeks.

5. ( I think I'm tired today and have let my guard down )

Today has been an off day from the last 2mos or so,  My-H and I took the dog for a walk and went shopping together.

My H heard A message  from the School probation Officer, regarding the fight my daughter was in, while he was in the hospital. I decided not to involve him under the circumstanses so he has just found this out.

He wanted to know what it was about, somehow  I found myself having a conversation with him.  I expalined there was no need for him to get involved it was already handled.

Somehow it leads to we need to be able to communicate, and the next thing I know he's talking about US moving, what it will cost for a moving van, gas and getting into a place to live.

I don't know what to think, I can't expect too much, I'm staying on my guard. I will be careful not to reveal any information that will come back for him to use against me.

He may want to move earlier if possible, we will see how things go.
his time line is based on what the doctors are telling him. every 2-weeks for 6mos and he has a heart doctor that will be checking on the condition of the blood clot. His blood is not doing what it needs and something is still not right with the oxygen level.

Along with some other surgeries he needs. I think the weather has him concered, they are telling him nothing but more bad news with authritis, osteoporosis? the move to Dallas with the rain, is a concern.

I would say  I don't want to know about all this, You said you have  no plans for us as a family.
Then he would say well you want to try and get along, so this is what he is dealing with and making decisions based on what he knows.

I guess I'm tired and want to stop for a moment to settle my thoughts about my life. He may for today decide he needs to get along.

I will take a deep breath and for one moment try and think about getting us all where we can all afford to live.

I will keep pushing for my goal to get us out from the pressure here change our environment, Being around family with good role models in all of our lives.  I want this so much in my life, and still expect it.

My H may tell me all of this today, he wants to go now as a family, I may need to wait for several weeks when our daughter is out of school.
Maybe he will be more physicaly healthy then, to travel.
if he changes his mind inbetween now and then, I will still expect I won't,
so I will keep up with all of my current plans.

My H just walked in
 
He went down to the school and talked with the Principal. My-H is one of the few parents that helps out on a monthly basis and knew the Principal.
he wants to feel apart of the solution today, Im happy he is thinking about being a Dad, it makes us all feel a lot better about him.

He also just purchaed a small Ukalaylie, not as big as a guitar, and is showing my D how to use it. I know he may have wanted for himself, but just the same it's an interaction with the family and thats a good thing.

I feel my stress level down for the moment, maybe I will get some sleep tonight.  

Onlyrenting