What would you think about this comment?

[onlyrenting1]

Patz

or not if you jump in to swim there will be a life saver to haul you on board. Just reach out to as many of the life savers around you right now.

the life savers are a comfort, swimming in the wide open ocean of life can be scary enough. I will be accepting and keep it in my mind to reach out.

The person you have become does not resemble the person in the video at all. You have become someone and something else

.

The change has already begun, it's still making me want to cry, but maybe its tears of joy about my future not so much the past. not sure about the tears but I will tell myself its joy not sadness for now.
I'm swimming in the big ocean maybe not one will notice.

Today there was a police officer in the area, I asked his thoughts on  the comment about the gun. He gave me his card and a case number, called it citizens assist.
It would be documented and understood he gave me advise about the situation.
I feel better the goal was accomplished without any drama.

onlyrenting1

[longtire]

I love the river analogy.  I got it last night for my situation:

I stepped off the dock onto what I thought was my boat.  It was only after the boat had left the dock and was too far from land that I realized I got on my wife's boat instead!  To make things worse, its heading in eactly the wrong direction, directly into huge waves and a fierce storm.  I'm terrified, but she just ignores the storm and pretends like nothing is wrong.  Finally, the boat turns back toward land again.  I'm poised to jump off the boat, swim to shore and get on my own damn boat this time!  I keep telling my wife that I'm leaving but she ignores me just like she ignores the still raging storm and huge waves.

Today there was a police officer in the area, I asked his thoughts on  the comment about the gun. He gave me his card and a case number, called it citizens assist.
It would be documented and understood he gave me advise about the situation.
I feel better the goal was accomplished without any drama.

Good for you onlyrenting1!  I admire your ability to take advantage of the situation and your judgement in deciding whether this police officer was open to hearing your situation.  Brava!

[Anonymous]

Wow, powerful river analogies. Considering I live along the ole Miz I'll keep this in mind next time I'm watching the locks.

Onlyrenting1, beautiful. A+ -- You handled the gun/police situation like a champ.

Patz, I appreciate so many of your insights and yours, too, longtire.

Best,

bludie

[onlyrenting1]

longtire, Bludie, Patz,


Longtire wrote

I stepped off the dock onto what I thought was my boat. It was only after the boat had left the dock and was too far from land that I realized I got on my wife's boat instead! To make things worse, its heading in eactly the wrong direction, directly into huge waves and a fierce storm. I'm terrified, but she just ignores the storm and pretends like nothing is wrong. Finally, the boat turns back toward land again. I'm poised to jump off the boat, swim to shore and get on my own damn boat this time! I keep telling my wife that I'm leaving but she ignores me just like she ignores the still raging storm and huge waves.

This was great, (it made me laugh, kinda unexpected)

The way the storm gets ignored. Im getting the ignoring the storm now. Lets pretend we all love each other, see Im behaving.
I may ask one more time but ony if it's my boat, if he will get in the boat like, Patz says. Maybe we can move get out to Dallas then see if the enviornment make a differance. I don't know,but Im leaving with or without him.

I was hearing about his surgery and how he learned he has Osteoporosis( ?) I said Im sorry I don't want to know so please DONT tell me about it.
He now has RA along with this too. So Im done, remember you dont care about us so PLEASE!!!!!STOP. He said thank you for being honest, OK I wont mention it again.
I get home and he's talking to Our D, telling her so she will hear it but me indirectly.
 
I'm just letting the waves settle before the next big storm comes in.
I plan on being on my own boat before then. The police officer said to call them to come out if I needed help leaving peacefully. Working on the trip to the lawyers for the D-papers and some guidance on the child custody.
it maybe Friday am. I testing the waters and which way the winds going to blow.

Longtire :

Good for you onlyrenting1! I admire your ability to take advantage of the situation and your judgement in deciding whether this police officer was open to hearing your situation. Brava

At first he said just call, if I need them.
(we don't own a gun and he felt it was his meds talking)

I then asked for his card and the date I talked to him and what it was about, he then gave me the case number and called on his dispatch for the Citzens assist.  

Bludie

Onlyrenting1, beautiful. A+ -- You handled the gun/police situation like a champ.

You all are giving me the confidence, Thank you so so much.

Onlyrenting....

[Anonymous]

Dear All:

Using the river analogy was the only way I could cope.  Also another theme that is very helpful is one I call the "Island".  You are stuck on the island with the N.  Everything on the island is about the N.  There is no way off.  Then you look up and you see that island is in the river.  The river is streaming by on either side of  you, it is the river of life. You see many people, many occuptations, many destinations streaming by.  Then you see the one lone boat coming your way, you make a jump for it.  It is the only way off the island of isolation.  You just know you have to make any attempt, because life is passing you by on either side.  We all live in the stream of life and it is flowing.  You must flow as well.  

Congrats! Only.........please contact as many people as possible about your situation.........it is the way off the island.  Much love, Patz

[bunny]

Onlyrenting,

Awesome idea to tell the police officer about the threat. It doesn't matter if you don't own a weapon. He made a very serious threat on your lives. Separation is the most dangerous time. I'm glad you're protecting yourself and your daughter!

Keep up the great work,

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Hi Bunny,

Separation is the most dangerous

I'm wondering why now he is being all sweet, trying to strike up conversations. I don't engage. He just asked me something, I just didn't respond. He got up and went in the other room.

He must be testing me to see if I will forget what he has done to us.
I am not going to forget. I haven't been able to say much more than I don't want to know, what's going on with him. I asked him not to tell me.

I need to be careful with my next step. It is the plan to leave. I guess I can only imagine the dangers you speak of.
I'm guessing the route to take first. Once one-step down that road,  the next steps  need to be quick.

Im trying to get into talk with some legal aid on my plans to move to Dallas and what would happen if he wont let me go, even if we cant afford to live here.

Im afraid to remind him Im still leaving to Dallas, he thinks he had the last word with his threat. I know when I mention my job called me and wants me to come up now or asap. He will freak.

Thanks bunny

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering why now he is being all sweet, trying to strike up conversations. I don't engage. He just asked me something, I just didn't respond. He got up and went in the other room.

He must be testing me to see if I will forget what he has done to us.
I am not going to forget. I haven't been able to say much more than I don't want to know, what's going on with him. I asked him not to tell me.

Part of the push-pull behavior of an N trying to keep you off guard. While our guard is down they study us to gather more ammo'. Sounds paranoid but I think it can be quite true in some cases. At least that is the conclusion I am drawing on this God-forsaken night.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Hello All:

I think bludie is right here.  Narcs are like sharks.  They smell your weakness from miles away.  They are very adept at zeroing in on the "soft spots" and manipulate them like crazy.  I don't think it is paranoia at all to keep your guard up.  I remember my N when he wanted me to do something he knew I was against, he would be all sweetness and light.  Just trying to maneuver you into a position of weakness so he can get what he wants.  Afterwards, it was if you did not exist again. Patz

[onlyrenting1]

Today I went to Legal Aid, and I don't qualify. I make too much money. but I will attend a workshop on monday 8Am, They will help me fill out leagal papers.

This morning I told my H, I plan on moving to Dallas, After what he said to me I have no choice but to depend on myself.
He made comment like "You just want your way"

So I get home from work sitting on the table is  a letter  with my name.
I said what is this about,?
(thinking he went to the court house before me,Damm) He said this is what you need to know (something like that)
Its a letter all about his health issuies.

It starts out "this is the 411"
How the doctors say he could Die, with any stress the blood clot could dislodge.
Along with he needed therapy until further notice, then Workerscomp legal battles, he is planning on paying the March Rent, so he's not going anywhere.
(my Medical is paying right now and he could move and have therapy there.)
 
I said nothing and made it sound like I tore the letter up.

Bludie,

Part of the push-pull behavior of an N trying to keep you off guard. While our guard is down they study us to gather more ammo'

PATZ

Narcs are like sharks

I know he is using this letter to use my weekness, that I should care.
I wouldn't leave him while he is down, thats what he counts on.
I know he planned to move with out us and would not care if I was in need. If his brother had made it easy for him he would have been gone.

So I will let him think this letter will make me change my mind, I need to keep him off his guard. tommorrow, I will let my work know I will be in to work a little late that day. I don't know what to expect or what I will learn.

I will keep your visuals about the Island and the boat in my head, and keep reaching out to others as I go step by step.

Thanks so much, I know you all are having your own struggles, Ive been reading the other threads and appreciate your time to keep in touch.

Onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Only:

Yep, just let him think the letter hit your "soft spot", then get on the boat and sail away.  Patz

[bludie]

I need to keep him off his guard.

That's (unfortunately) right, onlyrenting1. Not only keep him off guard but keep him guessing. As I've learned in the last 48 hours, N's can be very calculating. This was evident when I saw my ex-Ns vehicle parked in front of our neighbors (the ones who seem to be ignoring me these past months) yesterday. Either he is playing the 'she-done-me-wrong' song or trying to evoke their help in keeping tabs on me. I will not go to the neighbors and inquire about this. I'll just be weary of them from now on.

Anyway, keep moving forward onlyrenting1. These analogies of yours and Patzies are sustaining.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Hi Onlyrenting:

I have just read through this entire thread and I first want to say that I have seen you growing and growing over this time.  You are gaining knowledge and keeping your focus on improving your situation and I admire your courage and determination and perseverence.  You will get on that boat, swim the river, whatever it takes, to be free of the situation you are dealing with and you will be glad for it.

Your H sounds so much like my father.  Always twisting, lying, exagerating, using his health as a hook to draw pity and give guilt from/to others, belittling and degrading his own with words, pretending to be sweet and nice when nothing else works, using serious threats to instill fear and keep control, always going to move/leave and never intending or doing so because his greatest fear was being left alone to face himeself and face his own life by himself....and his own self-hate.

I think this latest threat/trying to control---telling you not to go to Dallas--figgering you have nowhere else to go/trying to get your D to the movies/being nicey nice to you.......is his last ditch attempt to....keep you......control you in any possible way......stop you from leaving.  He knows in his head that you are leaving and he is terrified???  He will finally be left alone, his greatest fear????  His colours will be revealed to the world....that his wife.....left him....and even all his lying will not be able to hide this fact from himself???? It will add to his self-hate???

I think you are doing a fantastic job of not falling for his manipulative ploys and his desperate attempts to control you.  And best of all you are not letting him rule you....keep you......freeze you in place....with fear!!

Keep a smile in your heart.....and a positive life for yourself in your mind.....see yourself  free and happy, with your daughter also feeling the same and enjoying her life, her freedom...to bring friends home and feel comfortable about it....to speak without being demeaned, or hurt for having an opinion, or expressing her feelings.  Your daughter will later thank you for making a loving, happy home for both of you.

I remember the fear at the thought of leaving my father's house and also a marriage that was causing harm to my children and myself.  I remember I had to acknowledge that fear and I had to tell myself that I would not let it control my choices, my decisions, my behaviour.  It is hard to act....when one is frozen in fear.....so I admire how you are planning and taking these steps....acting......without letting it get under your skin and take hold.  Keep doing that, Onlyrenting and soon you will be Owning-not-Onlyrenting!!!

My prayers will be for you and your daughter to have safety and freedom and peace of mind in a happy, healthy home that you can afford and enjoy.

Do not fall for his ploy to guilt trip you into staying with him because he could "die" because of any stress!!  If that were true, he would be dead by the stress he already experiences from his own terror of...the surgery...of his fear that you might not being faithful to him.....of his own child seeing through him and his fear that she does not love him (and so he says he "hates" her...to protect himself from feeling what he knows is the truth....that there is little to love about him???).  So he projects his fear by trying to instill it in you.  And you.....are too smart to accept it.....too strong to allow it to control you!!!

((((((((((Onlyrenting)))))))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Hi again, Onlyrenting:

I think you had asked about this and I happened to come across this info.

 Neuroticism
 
Chronic negative affects, including anxiety, fearfulness, tension, irritability, anger, dejection, hopelessness, guilt, shame; difficulty in inhibiting impulses: for example, to eat, drink, or spend money; irrational beliefs: for example, unrealistic expectations, perfectionistic demands on self, unwarranted pessimism; unfounded somatic concerns; helplessness and dependence on others for emotional support and decision making.


Hope today is going well for you.

GFN

[onlyrenting1]

GFN  I so appreciate any idea on this word. I was not quite sure how I missed it before but I see the word TOTAL, I guess it means he's a big ball of turmoil, hope impulsive will not include dangerous behavior, and somatic does that mean with the body, hypochondria?

TOTAL Neuroticism

Sounds like a bad combo with N disorder. I looked on Google and understood it as some emotional imblance.
Like the Narc word = selfish,
the meanning of Selfish never became more clear than from reading this message board and  how it effects daily life.


Bludie

I will not go to the neighbors and inquire about this. I'll just be weary of them from now on.

Bludie, I would want to know what side of the fence they stood on. maybe
knowing or having an Idea what could be going on, you may find they are on your side and would want to help you somehow.

It's Patz's referral to the Island.
I see you on the Island and maybe reaching out you will find them as alies not the enemy.


Today Saturday, I will be working on gathering papers e-mails, types of information to state my case to the courts.
My H is trying to engage with the family like he's a father today.
I will be busy going thru the garage again, I want as little as possible to move. Im getting close but always find more stuff to let go of.

I feel like Bludie, sometimes as I come accross things my H gave part in,
I want to give it all back. Bludie, like the money your EX helped you to get the house, the only way to feel like they don't have any hold on you is to give it all back. Then I think, forget it too bad for him, if it was something I helped him with, it still would be all his, no concern for my efforts.

My car, he helped with the first 500.00 I payed for the remainder and all the insurrance , but he often reminds me how if he had not given me the first 500, I wouldn't have the car. (forever in debt to him) Forget how I went to work every day brought home a check paid for the car so it added to his good credit.

His motive to help me, was I needed to find a job. I had been on disability and a company lay-off, my car had died.
I was riding my bike to a part time job, I had until I could get going on a full time job . He had to share his car.
(I purchaced this car with my own cash) how fast he forgets this.

Your EX, what was his motive to help buy the house you are in?
I bet it was a selfish motive. Maybe so he would have you in debt forever to him.  

Got to go, thanks GFN and Bludie

Onlyrenting