What would you think about this comment?

[naomi]

Onlyrenting said: "My H has never been physical but how do you prove the mental abuse.
having this medical report has only a brief statement "self-absorbed Narsisstic, thats it. I will keep writing things maybe I should keep copies of the the emails his brother has sent regarding his behavior too.
"

Hi sweetness. This jumped out at me right away. If there is a future fight in court (for custody or anything, even you asking for a restraining order against him...) the smartest thing you can do is to get copies of those emails and put them somewhere in a safe place. Judges want to see proof, or they won't give it any weight. Try to gather and store as much information as you can about him, to protect yourself and your daughter from him.

If he said he would shoot you, that is a threat and it is illegal to threaten anyone. I am so worried about you. Please take care of yourself and get somewhere safe as soon as you possibly can. You have been suffering with this too long, imo.

I hope the best for you...I truly do. [/quote]

[bludie]

Onlyrenting1,
You are doing amazingly well amid all these trying circumstances. Don't get discouraged and take the time you need to get all your affairs in order so you can make a clean break. Mum's advice has merit. When the heat is on, and our lives are stress-filled, it's easy to just want relief. It sounds as if you're taking the necessary steps to move ahead thoughtfully and carefully. I am very glad you're seeking legal advice. Is the plan still for you and your daughter to move to Dallas? If so, is your Ns brother still willing to help?

I called the legal aid to move on filing papers and making an appointment before I went to work today but had to to leave a message.

I will not take the comment about the gun, out of my head, it is giving me a big slap in the brain to get the hell out of here.
I can't let this one go, I believe this is a turning point for me.

I think it is very wise to be aware and alert. Throughout your posts it has sounded as if your husband is becoming more desperate and volatile.

He has no respect for us and I dont want my daughter to learn disrespect.
it comes to a point where her feelings won't be ignored.
Because of the hurt that he continues to display to us both, Im having a hard time with sheilding him from her wrath. I don't care about him right now, Im so hurt myself, I find Im in such disbelief of my life.

Encourage your daughter to spend as much time with friends as possible. This will not only shield her from his button-pushing behavior but allows  time to connect with friends that she'll miss if you do, in fact, move.

You're doing great, onlyrenting1. We'll continue to be here for support. My best to you.

bludie

[Anonymous]

Onlyrenting:

I have read with dismay about your situation.  I can only support you in how you are trying to get out it.  I too was married for 25 yrs to an N.  You are just busy slogging along trying to survive and then one day you wake up.........it has been all about them at your expense.  I went to dinner with a group last night, they are all about in our age group.  All of them were married except me.  There was one couple I will call X.  They had recently married for the 2nd time.  As I begin to listen to this couple it was apparent that the woman had married for economic reasons alone.  As you are preparing to extricate yourself from this horrible situation, my desire is that you will find a safe, secure, peaceful place.  I hope you have the means to support yourself.  No one deserves what you are going through.  The nature of N's really come out when money they have squandered is gone, the looks are fading, the health is failing..........in essence the bubble he has lived in.......reality is tapping him on the shoulder.  That is when they really begin to take it out on others around them........they want you to maintain that image of what he was like years ago.  If anything you deserve a peaceful life for the remainder of your "good years" without an N and N family members dictating to you.  Patz

[onlyrenting1]

Naomi, Bludie, and PATZ

the smartest thing you can do is to get copies of those emails and put them somewhere in a safe place. Judges want to see proof, or they won't give it any weight. Try to gather and store as much information as you can about him, to protect yourself and your daughter from him.

If he said he would shoot you, that is a threat and it is illegal to threaten anyone. I am so worried about you. Please take care of yourself and get somewhere safe as soon as you possibly can. You have been suffering with this too long, imo.

I will be printing off those e-mails, getting medical reports showing the meds he is on and his physological reports. Do you know what this means?? Total NEUROTICISM I found this in the same report with Narc.
 
Im sleeping on the couch and can't look at him, I give no eye contact.
I have this thing about the gun comment, I cant ignore it, We know about how this threat started with the comment about OJ and Scott Peterson.

I feel Im messing with fire as I continue to make plans to move. He said he was staying here so I think he expects Im moving out but not sure where or what to do as he watches me packing.

Bludie,

Encourage your daughter to spend as much time with friends as possible. This will not only shield her from his button-pushing behavior but allows time to connect with friends that she'll miss if you do, in fact, move.
You're doing great, onlyrenting1. We'll continue to be here for support. My best to you.

Thanks for your special insite to my daughters plight. I am trying to consider her well being in all directions. Im still planning on moving to Dallas. They are hiring now, Im told now is the time if im going.
I know she doesnt want to move and would miss her friends.
I can't commit to staying here because of we can't afford it.

Im waiting for a friend to do my taxes, I need to figure out what to do with the moving plans. I have a friend who is asking an across country truck driving company to haul my car and the best way to get my stuff moved.
Im not going to count on my husband or his brother to help me.
Im not going to push his brother to help me. He knows about the threat from my husband. He tells me to indeed call the police if I feel the need, and confirms with me my H is unstable and to lay low.

I have not gotten any e-mails from him regarding our last conversation. Maybe he feels dishearten and has changed his mind. Maybe  realizing a sadness about this whole situation and not sure how to proceed.
He encourages me to take the Job and move to Dallas and I know he wants to help. I think we're all trying to find our grounding as my H's plans change with the wind.

I had been moving unnoticeable things in the garage, extra dishes, my daughters stuff , throwing old clothes, but today Im removing noticeable things from our bedroom, it says I dont belong here anymore.  

I was gone most of the day, I got a ticket and had to go to traffic school.
it was an 8hr day. I came home,  He was watching TV with our daughter, took her to buy a CD, and had bought a pizza.

This gets me worried , I see him as the Vampire trying to pump back the blood in his N-supply. I know he will  turn quickly with a cruel word or to suck our emotions dry. It makes me sick now, I spent the time moving stuff in the garage to get my mind off him trying to be part of the family, he hates so much.

He said he is not going to Dallas, and is staying here. He sees me removing my things but not saying anything about it. Never a sorry or recognition of any hurt feelings. No surprize, its the typical lets forget about it, I choose not to go into it with him, I just dont care.



Patz

If anything you deserve a peaceful life for the remainder of your "good years" without an N and N family members dictating to you. Patz

Patz, how do you deal with 25 years, as Im packing I go thru many memories and try to not get chocked up. I look back on the reasons I stayed and put up with it. It really was because I loved my husband and wanted to make it all work. I thought it was his physical pain causing his major problem.
with the  knowledge of the N my thinking has now changed and I don't see the same reasons to make it work anylonger.

Did you have kids? I think as my daughter gets into the teens, life is hitting him, its not all about him.
I don't have the funds like I wished I had, because I have been supporting us, My husband has had 5 surgeries in 5 years. he is on SSI/Workercomp/Disibility, its complicated.
Money has been tight and is the reason we planned to move.

Thinking about being with other men,having them around my daughter. The single life, being single and around other married couples,
it's all sounding depressing. I will just wait for it all to happen and just go with the flow, What else can you do.

thanks for the encouragement to keep me going in a positive direction.

.....onlyrenting1

[Kaz]

I so feel for you onlyrenting1.
Just want to say, don't be too afraid of being on your own and single, I'm enjoying it more than I ever thought I would. The stronger I get, the 'problems' (such as being the odd one out) are less important.
You're going through the worst now, and when you leave, your strength and courage will see you through.

[Anonymous]

Onlyrenting1,
You're dealing with a very overwhelming situation. Some days will be harder than others. You're showing an amazing amount of fortitude, strength and tenacity. Don't underestimate how far you've come.

Thinking about being with other men,having them around my daughter. The single life, being single and around other married couples,
it's all sounding depressing. I will just wait for it all to happen and just go with the flow, What else can you do.

It's very normal to be wondering about this but that is too far off in the future. Stay focused and get yourself out of there. Safety has to come first. There will be time to process your emotions later. There are bound to be plenty of mixed emotions. Try to steel ("numb," as you have referred to in past posts) yourself right now and remember the threat he made. That's no small thing. Don't let doubt and reminscing undermine your intuitions about his volatility. You need to get out of there - first and foremost.

When you get to Dallas and get on your feet, you can get some counseling or help for you and your daughter to process these very overwhelming emotions. Maybe it's best that his brother isn't involved. You can truly make a clean break for the time being.

My heart and prayers go out to you and your daughter. You're doing a wonderful job of keeping things together amid your sadness. Keep going and try to stay focused.

{{{onlyrenting1}}}

Best,

bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Kaz, thanks for the encouragement.

It is scary and I worry. Often I would go to family functions by myself, my H always found a reason to suddenly get in an argument and not want to go. All of these years together but somehow I feel alone. I will surely adjust more quickly than I imagine. hence the name (onlyrenting)

I have an early morning meeting, got to go.....onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Dearest Only:

On reflection, the only thing that kept me going was my only child.  Early on it was apparent that my son was autistic.  I had to stay put because I have a very dysfunctional family.  Even though I was educated (self made I might add), I could not continue my teaching because my son needed so much help.  I begged continually for my husband to move us to another location because the services in our area were so lacking.  It was about his job, (he could have easily gotten another because of his education), it was about his organizations, it was just continually about him.  I had to stay for 22 years because of economic reasons.  He then decided he was going in business for himself and got us deeply into debt.  I realized he had to go.........I told  him I was moving regardless, that he would have to support us because of the documentation on my son.  If he didn't  find a decent job to retire debt, then the court would make him do it.  I had to get out.  He lied to me about the nature of who he was for about 15 years of our marriage.  I found out when he came from overseas he was a cross dresser.  Devastated is not the word.  When you see a window of opportunity Only, take it whatever you need to do.

Your N is very unstable.  When he confronts you finally about things missing and he seea you are really leaving, get the police to escort you out.  Your daughter will eventually come to gripes with who and what  he is.  Right now keep a log of his activity, his threats, his e-mails.  Whatever documentation you need for court.  In fact I would go to the police station without his knowledge and let them know how on edge he is.  Ask them the best way to leave and keep them apprised of the situation.  You can also use this in court, because you have offically reported it to the authorities. He has threatened you and your daughter the police need to know that they have a potential problem on their hands.  Silence is your worst enemy.  Let as many people who are in authority know what is going on.

He is a mentally ill individual dictating your life.  You need to view it in that fashion.  You cannot reason with people who are not rational.  The OJ and Peterson case is exhibit A as for psychopathic behavior. Someone on another message board wanted how  your reality is real or distorted.
I think a distorted reality is that individual trying to shape the norm to the shape of his twisted reality.  It is like looking at the shape of an egg and saying this egg is square and it bounces.  This is distorted thinking.  Reality is the egg is oval and it will break.

Reality is your N is mentally ill.  Rational humans do things that are not counterproductive.  To stay in the distorted reality and to shape your life, your persona to that kind of thinking will also make you ill and continue to endanger you life.  It took me about 7 years to finally get things together.  It will not happen over night.  I assure a day does not pass that I do not thank God above for the peace, quiet and security I now possess.  There is no enough money in the world, or another man, I might add that I will exchange this for.  Much love and hugs to you. Patz

[mum]

Onlyrenting:
    Couple of thoughts:
Decide what you want your life to feel like. (looks like you know that).
Let that drive you, nothing else, not even fear.  If you really look at fear, it's suppose to help you, not become a way of life.  Immediate, physical fear of your ill husband is telling you something...you are wise to heed it. Psychological fear that he has cooked up for you to keep you stuck is the stuff you need to ignore (can I really do this, doubts, etc).

Don't worry about men/dating/future relationships.  I was so happy to find out that after 13 years of berating, that I actually was attractive, and I married another, more "flashy" N without even knowing what drove my choice.  If I had been "clear" I never would have had that second marriage. YOU count now, your daughter counts now.....not a man's opinion of you (however flattering it may be).  Don't even worry about it now.

You daughter will recover from moving.  No kid wants to move... or hardly ever.  A healthy, happy mother and home is far more important to her in the long run.  Far more! Be very careful and get lots of solid legal backing on the move. Don't be scared by this, just be smart....courts can be stupid with the "best interests" of the child translating into "split them down the middle, half to each parent" without even considering if one parent is bad for the child.  I would make sure your ex can't accuse you of  "taking" his child away from him...  In her vulnerable state (7th grade....got one myself), it could be very easy for him to manipulate her and feed on her fear of moving, and sorrow for him (my ex is expert at that one).
Remember this is not about making other people in your life "comfortable" for the moment (not even your child).  It is about you taking care of you, and this is the best demonstration of how an adult woman should do life that you can show your daughter.  Imagine the power she will see....and know for herself.

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie,MUM,Patz,

Try to steel ("numb," as you have referred to in past posts) yourself right now and remember the threat he made. That's no small thing. Don't let doubt and reminscing undermine your intuitions about his volatility. You need to get out of there - first and foremost.

Thanks for all your support,
I will try to steel up, and keep my focus. I dont truly expect my emotions are going to be stable right now, so I will not put to much energy into them.
I will not let my changing feelings direct me, my anger, my sadness, my fear, they all come and go.


Patz

I would go to the police station without his knowledge and let them know how on edge he is. Ask them the best way to leave and keep them apprised of the situation. You can also use this in court, because you have offically reported it to the authorities. He has threatened you and your daughter the police need to know that they have a potential problem on their hands. Silence is your worst enemy. Let as many people who are in authority know what is going on.

I will do this and have it on record as a backup, I will not let him know about it. I have told his brother, but I agree the people of authority is the key.

I think a distorted reality is that individual trying to shape the norm to the shape of his twisted reality. It is like looking at the shape of an egg and saying this egg is square and it bounces. This is distorted thinking. Reality is the egg is oval and it will break.

To stay in the distorted reality and to shape your life, your persona to that kind of thinking will also make you ill and continue to endanger you life. It took me about 7 years to finally get things together. It will not happen over night

[/quote]

I will keep this in mind. I honeslty feel as I have the power to see the true shape of the egg and know its not going to bounce.

I may have in the past believed its true shape but needed to battle the idea it would not bounce with my N. This is no doubt a danger and I know now the battle will be lost so I can no longer stay for the fight.
As I understand he will never see he has a problem, he already is  on so much medicine his mental state is unstable. I would have in the past have tried to understand all of this as a passing mental state. I nolonger believe it can be helped, feeling hopeless.


Mum

happy mother and home is far more important to her in the long run. Far more! Be very careful and get lots of solid legal backing on the move. Don't be scared by this, just be smart....courts can be stupid with the "best interests" of the child translating into "split them down the middle, half to each parent" without even considering if one parent is bad for the child. I would make sure your ex can't accuse you of "taking" his child away from him... In her vulnerable state (7th grade....got one myself), it could be very easy for him to manipulate her and feed on her fear of moving, and sorrow for him (my ex is expert at that one).

I think this is a very fearful and risky part for me. I will be prepared.
make sure it all will be apparent what Im dealing with. My daughter is feeling she wants to be able to see her Dad once a month. I understand I need to be cooropertive with the courts on this. Im worried I want to move away and now he decided he wants to stay here.

I will be looking at all of the points and consider them with some legal advise. Having him agree to let me move may not be as difficult as I imagine. We will see.....


Thanks for all of your thoughts I will be making some phone calls  before I go to work on Monday. I have to go the court house about my traffic ticket and will inquire then on some questions.

My h- is trying to be nice right now asking us both to go to the movies
I told him no thanks, dont think he is too happy. It really gets me how he can be so mean never say sorry and now act like nothing has ever happend. I will be numb to lure.....

.onlyrenting

[longtire]

onlyrenting1,

Hang in there.  We all have feelings of fear, not being able to cope by ourselves (well non-N's of us do).  The great thing is that you are an adult even when it doesn't feel like it.  You can do a lot more than you believe right now.  Feel your feelings, accept that's how you feel, then pick yourself up and do what you need to do to be safe and happy.  I feel a lot of strength in you each time you post.  I believe that you can do (and already are doing) everything you will ever need to do.

[onlyrenting1]

longtire

I feel a lot of strength in you each time you post. I believe that you can do (and already are doing) everything you will ever need to do

I need to believe this with all  my heart, I wonder if my writings can be some what clumsy to what I really want to convey. I need to be stronger than my H and the encouragement goes along way.

I will stay positive for my daughter. I was proud of her. My H, wanted us to go the the movies,I said no thanks. I asked her if she was going, she said NO.

I asked her why? she said because he will get her down there then make remarks about the moive she would want to see, put it down in some way. She gets fustrated with the mixed messages he sends.

I dont want to make her decisions or sway her, if she can do her own thinking not be swayed then she too will be stronger, not be swayed as the emotional wind changes in our house hold.

 thanks again ....onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Dear Only:

I remember well when I first went out on my own, the waves of anxiety, the fear.  However, take it one day at a time.  Things may seem over whelming right now, but just bear in mind the fact you are making plans.  You are going forward, however painful, it feels, you are moving forward.  

I equate all of this much like to getting into a boat on a river.  The boat is at the dock, you see the river winding ahead of you.  You see the N on the dock.  You keep motioning to him to get in the boat, he  just shakes his head no and is glued to the dock.  You see the captain in the boat telling you it is about to leave.  You look at the N you look at the boat, you decide to get in.  You keeping looking back, and you still see the N on the dock, thinking you will come back.  The boat is leaving and your getting futher and futher down the river.   You are reaching the point where you are rounding the bend, you can no longer see the dock, the N.  You just know that the scenery is changing and your on the river of life.  You can now disembark at any time and go on to your appointed destination.  Patz

[onlyrenting1]

Patz

This senario, hits me so hard. When I was staying with my BIL in Dallas
he was telling me how he was trying to help my H and all of us.
throwing him the life saver, hold on we want to help you, you're drowning, but my-H won't take the life saver.
 
It's like the boat is in at the Dock waiting for us all to get in, but the N refuses to go.  He not only refuses to go, but says we can't go either.
The same life saver is being offered to us all, but he won't let us hold on before we drown.

I may be at the dock trying to get in the boat or being offered a life saver and he's holding a gun or a threat  not to take it, But he forgets I know how to swim.
I don't have to have the boat or need the life saver, Im a great swimmer and will keep this in my head thanks for the visual.

I do understand the Idea about  him staying on the dock and moving around the bend no longer seeing the difficult past. It makes me very emotional to think about this picture, especialy how right now he is trying to be very nice to me.

This swimming thing just came to me...I'm taking the flippers to give me a little extra speed.

.thanks onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Dearest Only:

I kept this image in my mind of how I was doing by going back to see my N husband.  Every time I would get back in the boat I would sail a little further down the river.  I would go back, he was still stuck on the dock.  Pretty soon I would be so far down the river, there was a point of no return.  If you can keep this image in your mind, it will help you to move forward, even if you have to swim.  Believe it or not if you jump in to swim there will be a life saver to haul you on board.  Just reach out to as many of the life savers around you right now.

Yes, it is emotional when the dock is out of sigt, you are rounding the bend and it is new scenery.  No N in sight, only memories.  I assure you as you continue on your destination, the memories  become like a video.  It is not you in the film at all, but some other creature.  The person you have become does not resemble the person in the video at all.  You have become someone and something else.  The life before and after the N is startling.  Many hugs, Patz