What would you think about this comment?

[onlyrenting1]

Hi Bunny and Bludie,

Bunny,
I see myself detaching by calling my husband an N-H, maybe it's too painful to think this is no longer my husband and is now only an N-H, not worthy of being reffered to as Husband.

My N-H never got his car started.
My daughter and I hopped in my car and went running  around. We had a lot of fun. We were laughing about some dumb stuff,  we're both looking forward to him leaving in a few days.

He was getting some stuff packed  into his van showin us how he was marching out the door and going to be gone and now his car won't start.

The other day my car wouldn't start and I was late for work,  he was chucklin about it and didn't offer me a jump . I was praying for my car to start and it did, I was only 15 min late.  I was feeling a little like he got his, for laughing at me.

It's going to be a long weekend, I think it would be a good time on Sunday, to do what you suggested and go see a funny movie.

His brother is offering my husband a way to get out from under us and see's it's for the best. With promises he gets help only if he gets the surgery.
His brother said he was sorry for the way we're being treated and to take this job and get out there to Dallas. He said to do what's best of us and not worry about my Husband.
He believes that after the surgery maybe the tenison between us will lighten up.

I already told my-brother-in law I want nothing to do with my N.
He was talking on the phone to his brother and I heard my-N say:

"I DONT WANT TO STAY HERE, THIS IS NOT THE REFLECTION OF WHO I AM. I WANT MY ENVIRONMENT TO CHANGE TO REFELCT WHO I AM INSIDE. "

I have mentioned this Idea of an N, to my brother-in law but never to my N, it's funny how he described exactly what everyone else already know's about him.

I'm looking forward to next week and what changes will come about.

Thanks for checking on me. I'm saying alot of prayers to keep strong, have guidance, doors open to happier days and stay emotionally healthy.

onlyrenting[/quote]

[onlyrenting1]

HI,

Just wanted to give you all an update.

My Husband made it through the 5 hr surgery and lived.

He refused a ride from me to the hospital, but I called him just the same to make sure he made it.

I was at work while he was in surgery. Of all the times to happen, all the phones went dead no calls in or out.
I borrowed a friends cell to call the hospital,letting them know I didn't have a cell and borrowed this one just to call to let them know the phones were out.

hours later the Doctor called my friends cell to let me know everything was fine.  (my friend had the phone shut off, so anyway I haven't talked to the doctor and My husband is too out of it to tell me any details.)

I have talked to him this morning, and he was only interested in getting the neighbors phone number that took him to the hospital.  

I have not called him again and will not unless he calls us.
I asked my daughter if she wanted to talk to him, she said no.

I love my Father with all my heart , he is still alive. I know how lucky I am to have him. I wish my daugher could know the love of a father it can be is so wonderful. I'm sad she has been hurt by her Dad, I know how I felt about my mother, I was glad when they got divorced.

She is 12 and maybe I would have a could chance not to have an ulgy custody battle.

I talked to our Cor. Office and they were checkin on my time line to come up to Dallas. They will find me something just let them know when I'm ready to pack my bags.

My husband's brother finally said the N-word, He admitted he understood his brother was hurrassing me and that he reconized he was Narsisstic.

I felt like he was going to still help us out what ever the decision to stay married or not. He wants me to take this job and not worry about anyone but my daughter and myself.

I still expect my Husband to have a bad attitude, I will try and not pressure him too much while he is healing. But I'm leaving the state and already have moving plans to keep, with our without my husband.

I will let you know how things progress. My Dauther and I are feeling more relaxed without him here.  ..thanks .onlyrenting.

[Anonymous]

Glad to hear you and your daughter are experiencing some peace right now, onlyrenting1. It must be a relief as well to have your husband's surgery past you. Somewhat begrudgingly, I hope he heals quickly and can get on with his life, too.

It's also good to know that your BIL is supportive and that your job plans are moving along. It will be a busy time for you but keep up posted.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Onlyrenting,

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad your BIL sees the light and will help you and his niece.  I look forward to your moving, hopefully without your abusive H.

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Hi,

I just stoping for a few moments, I have been very busy.

We got a call late last night, my N-H was staying longer, another
4 days, because of a blood clot in the lungs. My daughter talked to him,
I was asleep.

Today He said they are giving him shots in the stomach to desolve the clot.
My BIL called, said that this would be common and not to worry.
My husband expained it to me like he almost died. His heart racing to a 180 vs 90. I don't know and I would expect my husband could make it sound worse than it is.  

I have been busy getting things ready to move. Today My BIL and I disscussed plans for him to fly with a round trip ticket, letting my husband fly to Dallas while we would drive the u-haul.

We talked in lenghth about our 26 yr relationship and why we should plan on getting out to Dallas together. Basic Idea we need each others Income to make it.

My BIL, also believes maybe my NH is feeling my changing attitude towards him. That I should lay low, not push divorce while he is in recovery for our daughters sake.

I think its the timing, My N-H having the Idea in his head he won't need his family anymore because his brother would be helping him. The possiblity of no money worries.

Me being enlighten about his real possibility of throwing out his family without a second thought. I already knew he was flaky, but not the thought of being tossed out like the trash.

These thoughts  were escalated with the upcoming surgery, the move,
Our 12 yr old, the apple of his eye or his N-supply growing up . lack of money. My NH was really having thoughts of no money problems for himself.

Part of my BIL's plan was to get My-H to get the necessary surgery,.
My husband does have feeling back in his legs and toes.  it is so far, a success. If he had not had the surgery it would be the wheelchair.
It was the fork in the road, if the nerve had died there was no recovery.

He explained he would not be supporting my husband, he was saying anything to get him to go thru with the surgery for all or us.

He said he would only help out if we went out there as a family.
He would not allow my husband to flake out on us. He has responsiblity for us and he would not be part of making it easy for him, to run.

He wants me to get this job but not say much about it to my husband. Plan on moving in the next 6-8 weeks and if he doesn't want to go, then leave him. He will help my daughter and I out if that's what happens.

I haven't gone to see my H. He knows our daugher is upset with him. He made comment not to force her if she didn't want to see him. He said he looks bad and its best if she didn't see him.

I will keep packing up stuff while I have some peace for the next few days.
My daughter is having her friend spend the night then 6:45am  Sunday she has a Cheer camp and game at UCLA to attend.

Thanks for being there for me to bounce my thoughts.  onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Hi Onlyrenting,
I noticed something you said in an earlier post that contradicts what you've just written.
About your BIL-

I felt like he was going to still help us out what ever the decision to stay married or not. He wants me to take this job and not worry about anyone but my daughter and myself.

Then

He said he would only help out if we went out there as a family.

Maybe you misunderstood him earlier, but I wonder whether your BIL is controlling things a little too much, or even that you're relying on him too much. It's great that you have him, healthy families should help one another but they shouldn't be telling you what to do. You have to make the choices that are best for yourself and your daughter, and that's when your BIL should be supportive.
All the best
Karin.

[onlyrenting1]

Karin,

This referance was to focus on my husband not to come out to Dallas, on his own.
That the orginal plan was for us to come out as a family.
He will not help my husband without us.

He wants me to get this job but not say much about it to my husband. Plan on moving in the next 6-8 weeks and if he doesn't want to go, then leave him. He will help my daughter and I out if that's what happens.

[/b]

And I totally agree about the control factor. No doubt you put yourself at risk for this type of obligation. However, Have you looked at the prices in CA to live. I feel desparate and worried. The job with our corp office will allow me a better income and the cost to live in Dallas, will be less.

My BIL, lived near us here in CA years ago. I remember the pull and tug for control. He is 10 yrs older and may want control to some degree.

I will have my own job, its my husband that needs more help because of his failing health.  It's him who is on SSI and needs to get back on his feet. His brother wants to help him but not without us as a family. He is only letting me know that he will not take my H alone as my H tried to make me believe he would.

Got to go up at 5 am...Onlyrenting

[jondo]

Who can be sure what his problem is however if he really believes either of those creeps are innocent then his judgement on anything is worthless.

[onlyrenting1]

Jundo,

Thank you and amen.
onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

posting with an update


HE'S HOME

N's, must be very difficult for even the doctors to deal with.
I talked to his doctor for the first time after a week. He tells me about how they would be transfering him to a rehab for 10 days to help with the physical re-hab and the withdraw on morphine. With-in hours I find my H at the front door.

he said they were being mean to him, he didn't like it there and he wanted to come home. (I know noone likes the hospitals)

he now needs shots every 12 hr and a trip to the hospital for the next 5 days. I will do my best to keep the peace, take time off work to be here
and see how things go.

I must say I had a peaceful time while he was gone, I hope he sleeps alot. I moved most of my important stuff to the garage, packing up things as I go. He will be in the house, not able to see how close I am  to move out quickly if I need to.

I called the hospital last night to make sure he didn't leave without their ok. The docs may have not been able to talk sence into him. I'm being told they will call me back, and all they knew he was discharged, he didnot leave without permission from the doctors.

onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

I have been reading the threads you ladies have been posting.  I found the book "Now We Are Six" a very good book.  It encapsulates the behavior and attitudes of N's perfectly.  The short line is.......Narcs have an arrested development.  They are still 6 years old.  You all know how difficult kids can be.  i.e.  Now your my best friend, and now you are not.  See my pretty new toy, don't you wish you  had one like it?  No you can't play with it because I don't like you today.  On an on.  Describes n's to a t.  I had to deal with lost and "forgotten" anniversaries  the whole nine yards..  Patz

[bunny]

Onlyrenting,

It makes sense that he would dash home where he can abuse and control to his heart's content. They won't put up with that in rehab. I hope you can move and get away from this creep very soon.

bunny

[Anonymous]

onlyrenting1,
Good to hear from you!  Take care of the caretaker and don't get sucked into his manipulations; even if he is post-surgery. Hope, as bunny said, you can make a change in your situation soon.

Best,

bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Thanks so much Guest, Bunny and Bludie,

Guest,  

 

I found the book "Now We Are Six" a very good book. It encapsulates the behavior and attitudes of N's perfectly

I strongly agree about the age six, maybe even 5. I will look into this book. does this book or any you know of suggest how to break away with your sanity? Dealing with a 6 yr old would be difficult for others to understand.
I have notes on the Betty Broderick thread,where there is a question on any books to break away with proper preperations.
Maybe legal,proff, or when childern are involved.


Bunny and Bludie you both are so much a comfort to me.

Bunny, you have away of looking at situations with direct honesty and getting the true focus with a dead on resolution.

Bludie, I know you are still going thru hell yourself. I see myself being faced with moving to a new town and having a child to be concerned about. Trying to see thru the Mudd slinging and keeping my thoughts focused on the important things.
I'm looking to your growth to know there is hope.
Sometimes I think the light at the end of the tunnel is the on coming train.
This makes me want to stop and deal with where I'm at with caution.
Trying to prepare being smart. Taking into consideration my daughter.
Leaving anytime sooner I may have found myself in an ugly custody battle. Maybe the laws will look at her age giving me more rights.

I found on another thread about  Co-dependency. I see I have some of those traits.
I will be looking into how to improve on myself so I don't fall
into the this trap again.
I will work very hard at seeing myself and my own problems giving them as much attention as I have with the problems of the N.   Some of these areas  with co-dependency I have grown away from and others I didn't know were part of this dependency.

I find myself breaking away from, what about the N (where there may be only little or no help to change)
and wanting to heal myself praying I will have the strength to will to change.

Thanks again for all your direction and hope to us that there is light at the end of the tunnel.   onlyrenting

[mum]

Hello, Only renting.  I apologize in advance for perhaps sending you ideas that have already come your way, but I didn't have time to read everything...but did read your last post.  I feel for you, as it seems we all do.  I divorced my ex N 8 years ago, and am still in a legal battle with him over my freedom to relocate with my children.  Because of this, I have a perspective now, on what I did legally and emotionally 8 years ago, that came back to haunt me recently, and perhaps you can use this info.
     I highly encourage you to take the giant plunge into the unkown (that's what the fear of leaving the cheating, selfish N felt like to me).  YOU are far more important than him....why?  It's YOUR life.  Don't buy into the old thoughts that "to be a good person" you must take his shit and forgive him over and over. Yeah, I know, he is sick and you can see the real person under it and you can fix him.  Funny how they get you thinking about them them them....  Your life has to be about YOU or you are no good to the people who really deserve a healthy you: you and your kids.  After sooooo long, I have only in the last few years started to break from the terror this man can instanly put into me.  Stay with therapy, read everything you can, talk to everyone who makes you feel wonderful about yourself, acknowledge and let go of your pain, and don't take on anyone elses....just as this is your life and you get to own it, it's their life, and they have to own it.   Your kids will be fine as you get healthier.  HE may never do this, so give it up.  NEVER stay with someone out of pity or fear.  Neither one of those things is love.
If you are not already there, get to therapy, by yourself, right away.  If you don't feel good inside about your therapist (no offense, men, but I recommend another woman), then get another one right away, one who you feel empowered with. Trust yourself with this.  I know I was well trained to NOT trust myself for years, but practice that...it will save your life.  It will help to choose a therapist who has dealt with the courts and child custody as well.  Do not quit the second you figure the "break up" is over, because you really will need a supportive source to run things by during the legal decision making, who will help you see if your decisions are based on old fear patterns or new healthier choices.      Had I done that, instead of the giant "YAHOO! the weight is off my neck...party time!" that I did, I would NEVER have written some things into my parenting agreement that I did.     Freedom awaits.  Recite after me: "I am beautiful, I am strong, I am worthy of my dreams!"  This will take work and struggle but it will be the best thing you ever did (except maybe those kids)Good luck!