acapella and the other n-partners

[Jaded911]

Oh, by the way.  That list that Sand listed was awesome if anyone hasn't had a chance to look at it.  If you haven't had a chance, run over there and take a peak at it.

[Nike]

Because I did not have all of the facts and I had no right to put my two cents in. Perhaps that would be some good advice for anyone and everyone for that matter on the N-Partner board.


I think you hit the nail on the head right here as far as "me". I dont suppose I know all that I thought I knew so I will bow out (this surely isnt the first time for me!)

Anyway, I'm very sorry Hope, I didnt mean to upset you...I will mind my own business. xo Lisa

[Jaded911]

Lisa,

I can only speak for myself when I tell you that my intentions were never to change your mind about the events that took place.  It just is not right how we were kicked off for voicing our feelings.  I will take the crap I am getting about the N-actions Word being stated, but good grief.  We have said how helpless we felt during our relationship because of way our N communicated or did not communicate with us.  I saw nothing different from Sands dismissing manner to his dismissing manner.  Either way you spell it, she was dismissive and I just really can not tolerate that from anyone again.  How do you think Herm felt when she read Sands dismissive statements.  How do you think Herm felt when Sand tried to make her look like she had less knowledge then Sand, how do you think Herm felt knowing that all the people on N-partners board read that post, well ya know, we do know Lisa.  We know exactly how Herm felt at that time which led to her leaving the board.  She felt belittled, stupid,like she did not have the right to speak her mind without being judged, she felt sad because she had to leave a place where she found comfort, she felt she had no voice.  We know all the ways Herm felt, because we felt the same damn way because of our N partner.

I volunteered to speak up for a person I felt needed to know that there are people in this world who can show empathy and compassion and those people can also put others first before their own self, no matter what the price is.  

If Herm would have been attacking Sand, I would have done the same thing for Sand.  It is not a personal beef with Sand from me, it is a beef with someone who refused to consider theirself an equal to another.  I want to contribute to anyone the self respect they deserve, I wish I would have done it for myself.  There are good people out there who stand by their words.  I am one of those people and I just can not contribute to anyone who hurts another persons self worth.

[I_am_mine]

I just read Engel's post on the Npartners board.  She came to my defense saying that she couldn't see what I said that was offensive, and that my tone was reasonable.

I read that post, also, and was pretty impressed at the way good points were made in a very calm, logical manner.  Then I read the reply, and was particularly struck by the part that began with this:

Ever so often 1, 2 or more come along and want to chalenge a board and its managers....

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but is this suggesting some kind of conspiracy?  To me, it just seems to be another way of putting the spotlight on ONE person - no matter how it started, it ends up being about her.  The words "1, 2 or more come along..." made me wonder if she's referring to some of you who have been on the board for awhile, or newbies....

Well, that board seems to have moved on - it's too bad the displaced people are still dealing with the aftermath....I wish it could have been worked out differently, for all your sakes.

bobbie

[bunny]

What Sand does isn't "normal arguing." It's mean and it is narcissistic as all get-out. Lisa, if you don't see this, that's your prerogative. But you are coming up with trivial arguments and expecting others to be convinced. You also ask others to visit N-partners after being abused there. It's not healthy to return to an abusive place. And it's not going to happen because we see the situation differently, and, in my view, more accurately.

[bunny]

Jaded,

Don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong.

[I_am_mine]

Either way you spell it, she was dismissive and I just really can not tolerate that from anyone again.  How do you think Herm felt when she read Sands dismissive statements.  How do you think Herm felt when Sand tried to make her look like she had less knowledge then Sand, how do you think Herm felt knowing that all the people on N-partners board read that post, well ya know, we do know Lisa.  We know exactly how Herm felt at that time which led to her leaving the board.  She felt belittled, stupid,like she did not have the right to speak her mind without being judged, she felt sad because she had to leave a place where she found comfort, she felt she had no voice.  We know all the ways Herm felt, because we felt the same damn way because of our N partner.

BRAVO, Jaded!  Your entire post was very powerful, but I picked out the parts that hit me the hardest.  I don't know Herm/bunny, so I hope she will forgive me for talking about her, but Jaded, what you said about how she must have felt - OMG!  To search for help, and be attacked in the place that seems like a safe harbor?  And the attack is exactly the same kind you're trying to get away from?  That would be like an abused wife going to a battered women's shelter for safety, but they leave the door wide open and call the husband up to invite him over.  

... I want to contribute to anyone the self respect they deserve, I wish I would have done it for myself.  There are good people out there who stand by their words. I am one of those people and I just can not contribute to anyone who hurts another persons self worth.

Talk about empathy!  It's so obvious that you've gone thru some hell, but you've really worked on yourself so that never happens again, and you're compassionate enough that it hurts and angers you when you see that kind of hell happen to others.  And it's so obvious that you're one of the good people who stand by their words.

I admire you very much, for starting your journey and fighting it thru.  I also respect you for being vocal about your feelings on injustices like this, and for taking responsibility for your own words.  I like that - in my perception, you're saying "I saw this, it is wrong, here's why it's wrong, I will not accept that behavior, and I won't hide behind twisted words.  These are my feelings, my words, I OWN them!"  Please correct me if I'm wrong in my interpretation, that's just the feeling I'm getting from your posts.

More honesty, less word games...might have prevented or helped solve the whole situation.

bobbie

[Nike]

What Sand does isn't "normal arguing." It's mean and it is narcissistic as all get-out. Lisa, if you don't see this, that's your prerogative. But you are coming up with trivial arguments and expecting others to be convinced. You also ask others to visit N-partners after being abused there. It's not healthy to return to an abusive place. And it's not going to happen because we see the situation differently, and, in my view, more accurately.

Look Herm or Bunny or whoever you are, I"m not here to argue with anyone! I'm just trying to understand what went wrong on MY forum and if you dont like that I'm sorry. Alot of people left that I truly liked alot and I wanted to know why. I could also sense that I was misunderstanding some things and I wanted to be more accurate about my understanding of these things...isnt this what you all are preaching over here? So now you've made me mad. Dont try to take away MY voice either. I'll also ask who the hell I want to return to a board they once loved and that I participate in if I want. I told them POSTS AGO, that I wasnt going to ask them that again and I havent.

[CC]

Hello everyone,

I have not visited the site that has been discussed in this thread because I am not involved with an Npartner but I must add this:  Whatever this place is that has caused you all so much grief and anger is obviously not a safe place for healing.  I don't know if this "Sandahl" is a professional, but I would say that if more than one of you is feeling hurt, betrayed, confused, angry or frustrated, you have most likely been "N'd".  

If I may be so bold, my suggestion?  Forget about that website, you are safe and cared about here.  Time to get on with your healing.

[I_am_mine]

 

If I may be so bold, my suggestion?  Forget about that website, you are safe and cared about here.  Time to get on with your healing.

CC, I have the same feeling about this board, and thanks for your concern for the people who were displaced from the other board.  I had just joined a short while ago, and didn't catch the beginning of what happened, but the results didn't leave me with the safe feeling I have always had here.  Even tho I don't post a lot, when I do, there's always someone right there to commiserate w/me, give some advice or something that worked from their own experience, and just make me not feel so defective and alone.

This is a great group of caring people.

bobbie

[Anonymous]

In case I wasn't clear in my earlier posts.....I WAS TAKEN OFF THE SANDAHL BOARD WITHOUT ANY WARNING.  I made no N references!  I didn't swear.  (Frankly I don't feel either are grounds for cutting of public discussion ESPECIALLY in these forums.)  I couldn't quite believe what was happening between Sandahl and I never mind anyone else.  I have read and reread all correspondence between Sandahl and myself and am convinced that YOU are most certainly behaving in very unhealthy ways Lisa.  

I believe you lied when you denied what you said to Hope. I don't know but I believe you did because what Hope said you said looks very consistent with your behavior and what you wrote to me!  I believe you don't see it yourself because you are doing a half arsed job of hiding it.  You haven't lied directly that I know of about my communication with you as all you wrote to my knowledge was that I was part of a group that needed to calm down.  You are hiding so much and involving the relationship of others in your unilateral power move.  
 
When I said "at least sandahl wasn't lying"  what I meant was you (Lisa aka Sandahl, right?)  didn't go on letting others on the site believe we left on our own.

I too believe you have been acting in ways totally in keeping with your own definition of narcissistic behavior and I am begining to wonder if you aren't just loving this attention you are getting Lisa (makes weakness feel powerful to read all this?) instead of dealing with THE ISSUE.

I know I, like all other human beings, have the capacity for narcissistic behavior.  As soon as you claim to be above it all you are out of it, in my not so humble opinion.

Acappella (was my name at the Sandahl forum - posing loosely as the NPartner site)
Echo

P.S. I didn't check my spelling - this is about content and connection NOT perfectionism.  If anything is ever not clear in any of my communication and you want clarity let me know OF COURSE.  Duahh.

[Acappella]

Hi CC,

respectfully, THIS IS PART OF MY HEALING.  My empathy and general observational skill says I am not alone in that feeling/experience.  

I have been resentful at the time "it" is taking (I am taking the time though, not some mysterious "it") AND this is exactly the work I have to do go grow.  I am lucky to have the time to deal with this to this extent.  I will move on when I have exchanged what I need to.  I have avoided this sort of thing in the past and then not learned.  I am learning from what others are expressing here too.

This will end when we have resolved it and not before unless something external decides first and then we will do this elsewhere.  As we were silenced at the other site this is about, in part, having our say.  If Richard Grossman is running out of board space or we are causing someone difficulty they can let us know.  Or not.  Their choice.  (Duh, enough with the reminding of the obvious individual choice, opinion etc.)

Thanks though.  I appreciate your apparently noticing how damned hard this all is to deal with.  

It is like an emotional marathon.  There is a finish line and we are working very hard to get there without short cuts.  Some will finish sooner than others some won't even get in the race and for some folks I realize it just isn't relevant. Not all posts are to everyone.    

This is helping me understand how to deal with relationships, how to pick them and to NOTICE WORD SALAD and what I do still to set myself up for being treated unfairly and how I deal with it when it happens.  I am learning what qualities I want in a friend not just what to avoid.  The courage expressed here and the willingness to struggle for growth is nothing sort of admirable and sort of beautiful in my eyes.

[Jaded911]

CC,

Your post meant alot to me in many ways.  First of all you summed it up perfectly.  It obviously was not a safe place and I am sad about that because I truly felt it was.  I will not live the rest of my life comparing everyone or everything to Nism, but just freshly out of a N relationship, safe was something that I was looking for.

Thank you for welcoming us here and I am sorry we had to come in with a bang.  I just really feel that understanding the dynamics of conflict is a good thing to have.  When you have a conflict and walk away feeling it added insult to injury it just takes time to get a clear view of the event.

I have never seen this before on a board and quite frankly if I ever see it again, I am outta there with my lips zipped.  Not that I regret defending what I perceived to happen, I wouldnt change a thing.  Next time however I will take it up in private with that person.  That way words cant get twisted and we all know how that feels.  HUh?

[Acappella]

Nike,

I have just read the post in which you stated:

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT...  
If you all are so "happy to be outta there"..why the heck do you care if anyone goes to bat for you? I dont get it

is that a lack of empathy I detect? How could you not understand wanting to be cared about by others with whom you bonded unless you just don't risk really bonding in the first place.

It is hard enough for those of us going through this so I can't imagine why someone who isn't involved would take precious time to post as you have.  

What is your interest in all of this?

ECHO (in case I got logged out/timed out)

[Acappella]

I will forget about that site and i haven't yet.