Author Topic: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"  (Read 11913 times)

nolongeraslave

  • Guest
"Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« on: November 20, 2011, 12:22:53 AM »
Do any of your N moms say this?

Just curious.

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5440
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #1 on: November 20, 2011, 07:25:51 AM »
The L word? Are you kidding? I've maybe only heard that once or twice in my life!! (now, 55).

According to her, I'm just supposed to "know" she loves me... which of course, is ONLY expressed by her dumping all her negative delusional perceptions out on me... which of course, I'm supposed to validate for her - even though I don't see it the same way she does. Her validate my feelings?? Understand me and my life?? Fergeddaboutit.

Hell, she doesn't even remember my birthday - and the last couple times I visited - she didn't recognize me, either.

What's bugging you about this, NLS?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

BonesMS

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8060
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2011, 09:04:31 AM »
Do any of your N moms say this?

Just curious.

Unfortunately......no.

Bones
Back Off Bug-A-Loo!

Guest

  • Guest
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2011, 09:37:58 AM »
Can't remember, NLAS. She could have done, it's one of those hugely manipulative pieces of BS. Long time ago she did say that because she was my mother, if I was in danger she would save me (by finding the strength to lift a boulder off me, for example), because that's what mothers do. I think she'd been reading about or watching stories about mothers' incredible feats of strength saving their kids, so I guess she thought, oh yes, that's me, I'm a good mother, and of course, then had to tell me so.

HAHA. As if the putting something into words sorts it out, all done, as if the words are equivalent to the action! I think they work like that. If they say it, it's as good as done. Except of course when you watch their actions, they don't do anything of the sort. Me and you, we're straight under that bus as soon as one comes along!

Anyone who says your title sentence is being manipulative. When people say that, start running. You don't want to hear it.


Does yours repeatedly call you 'darling', 'sweetie', or another word instead of your name? I think they do that when they've realised they easily forget who they're talking to, especially if they don't recognise you! :roll:
« Last Edit: November 20, 2011, 09:41:00 AM by Freshwater »

nolongeraslave

  • Guest
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2011, 11:28:51 AM »
It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom.  If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much."  My mom does brag about me to others at work and presents herself as being very attached.  

 My pedophile step-dad also says he loves me very much. I get all of these sappy and sweet cards for my birthday.

I do think abusive parents love their kids and will say that they love them. In their sick heads, the abuse is a form of love or they are in such denial of what they're doing.

I also find it questionable when a parent feels the need to brag about how much they love a child.  When you love someone, you just do it. Why go out of your way to brag about it?

Freshwater-Yes, my mom does have a number of nicknames for me. It's so weird how she morphs into this loving mom in public that's ready to shower me with affection, but she becomes cold once the door closes.


In middleschool when I was getting bullied and sexually abused, my mom would again "Not even your husband will love me as much as I do." For godsakes, your husband is molesting me and you're ignoring the red flags.  I'm having my self-esteem ripped to shreds at school and you also say "Just put up with it, because it's the best school in the state." That's love?
« Last Edit: November 20, 2011, 11:33:00 AM by nolongeraslave »

KayZee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 182
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #5 on: November 20, 2011, 11:33:11 AM »
NLS,

That line really resonates with me!  I can't remember if my NM ever said it aloud or just implied it.  Also, the related "No one will ever understand you as much as I do."  Cue my own inner voice: WTF?  But you don't understand me at all.  That means no one in the world will ever really see or understand me.  It will never get better than this.  Kill me now!

At any rate, I think that statement reeks of engulfment!

Do you mind my asking if that sentiment played itself out in your romantic relationships?  Like, did your NM generally approve/disapprove of your partners?  Was she convinced that they loved you as much as "she did?"

My NM despised/bullied every partner I've ever had (including dear husband).  It's, like, how dare I be more committed to anyone than her?  She even gets jealous of the attention I give my children.  It's sort of like she wants to be my husband.  Twisted.

Anyway, if that sentiment felt inauthentic/abusive to you than it probably was.  And it's very brave of you to suss that out.
lots of love, Kay

KayZee

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 182
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #6 on: November 20, 2011, 11:42:24 AM »
(I'm so sorry, I was posting just as you were posting your last reply)...

I want to add how sorry I am.  You totally deserved a mom who protected you from all of that, helped you, heard you when you told her about your problems at school.

Actions count a lot more than words.  It's all well and good for parents to say they love their children, but it doesn't count for much unless their actions line up.  Without that, the words feel phony, empty.

I hear you.  I totally relate.  And I think it's very insightful and gutsy of you to call B.S. on your NM's claim.

Kay x

Guest

  • Guest
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #7 on: November 20, 2011, 04:30:32 PM »
NLAS

some people may be charmed by her, a few may not be. Those few are the ones to look out for, because they will look out for you.

I'd explain my point of view if I thought it would do any good. Mostly it wouldn't do any good and I know that. But I don't know, sometimes people exceed our expectations and surprise us in a good way.

SilverLining

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 370
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #8 on: November 20, 2011, 06:08:16 PM »
It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom.  If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much."  My mom does brag about me to others at work and presents herself as being very attached.  

 

 Hey NLAS.  This comment really resonates with me.  My mother has always been diligent with the presentation of herself to colleagues and so forth as a "loving" person.  It's a smoke screen that helps keep other people from ever seeing into the reality of the situation.   Another weird pattern in my FOO:  I never once heard the word "love" until I was in my 20's.  There wasn't so much as a kind word when I and the sibs were actually in the house.  Then all of a sudden there was a strange shift in her behavior and she's talking about love and affection on a regular basis.  I think of it as a hook to keep the offspring attached to the situation.   It's easy to talk love when you don't really have to do anything to back it up.  Put any expectation or pressure on her and she turns into a seething hateful monster. 


nolongeraslave

  • Guest
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2011, 06:56:01 PM »
This is why they guilt me too. They say "Look at how other families treat their kids. We love you so much and these other families don't even tell their kids they love you." 

The few people I"m close to know how toxic she is.  I've learned who to tell and who not to tell.

sfalken

  • Guest
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2011, 11:37:30 PM »
Nmom said that to me exactly the same, all of the time.

Word for word.

I think now that it's meant to isolate you. On one hand, she's sucking you dry of your emotional lifeblood, and on the other, what she's really telling you is, "No one will ever believe that my image is less than perfect, little darling... Don't even think about speaking up to others."

Hang in there.

SF

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5440
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #11 on: November 21, 2011, 08:05:55 AM »
Quote
It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom.  If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much." 

I completely "get" this, NLS... that unsettling dissonance between appearances and reality; and for me, this huge fear that "other people" will believe the fakey-holier than thou, yet horribly victimized picture my mom creates of herself... instead of what I know, without a doubt, is how I've been treated and what she did to me... that has taken me years to undo. The worst of this, was the self-doubt... which led to dependency on others' feedback, approval, etc... simply because the pattern got stuck in my brain, that no one would believe me -- about her.

I had to make a conscious effort to believe my self about what happened then; and how things are now. Can you imagine what that's like?? I still have moments when I fall back into that old pattern, but it's way better than before.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

JustKathy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 631
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #12 on: November 21, 2011, 11:16:04 AM »
No one in my family has ever told me that they love me. I'm 51, and have still never heard the word. My NM has, however, written it in the nasty notes she sends. I once got a three page tirade where she told me how evil I was for going NC, filled with MAJOR drama. She told that I was a hateful person who was jealous of my brother (the GC) for no reason. That was followed by something along the lines of, "I love my two girls as much as I love my son, and he has never gotten anything that you didn't get." So she's not telling me that she loves me, she's trying to convince me that the millions of dollars in cash, cars, and houses that he's been given is a figment of my imagination.

Kathy
« Last Edit: November 21, 2011, 11:17:55 AM by JustKathy »

river

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 260
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #13 on: November 21, 2011, 03:49:49 PM »
Quote
  It bugs me, because other people will perceive her as a very loving mom.  If I tell someone what she's done, they will say "But she says she loves you so much."  My mom does brag about me to others at work and presents herself as being very attached.  

 My pedophile step-dad also says he loves me very much. I get all of these sappy and sweet cards for my birthday.

I do think abusive parents love their kids and will say that they love them. In their sick heads, the abuse is a form of love or they are in such denial of what they're doing.

I also find it questionable when a parent feels the need to brag about how much they love a child.  When you love someone, you just do it. Why go out of your way to brag about it?

Freshwater-Yes, my mom does have a number of nicknames for me. It's so weird how she morphs into this loving mom in public that's ready to shower me with affection, but she becomes cold once the door closes.


In middleschool when I was getting bullied and sexually abused, my mom would again "Not even your husband will love me as much as I do." For godsakes, your husband is molesting me and you're ignoring the red flags.  I'm having my self-esteem ripped to shreds at school and you also say "Just put up with it, because it's the best school in the state." That's love?  

Again, apologies not to read all the posts.
 But I love what you said Nlas, its an oxymoron to beat all oxymorons.   The in-built implicit message is 'dont separate from me', ie I dont support you to grow into a life where you are deeply fulfilled in love.  I want you dependent on me.  If you feel guilt also as a result of this statment, thats not my problem.  As well, in my world, the way I relate is to be the bestest at everything, including loving you.  I AM the centre of the world in my universe, as well as in yours.  
 And there you have it, the relational anatomy of the way an N relates.   And I wouldnt be suprised if this actually came out of a tiny kernal of real love.   But in the disorders of the self, specially N, all legitimate real feelings are hijacted, and co-opted for the purpose of control, grandiosity ect, the usual N type agenda's.  
phew, thanks for that opportunity to get all that out,  not many people in the world would care or understand this at all.    
« Last Edit: November 21, 2011, 06:02:52 PM by river »

Butterfly

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
Re: "Nobody will ever love you as much as I do"
« Reply #14 on: November 21, 2011, 06:25:40 PM »
Yes, verbatim . . . while she criticized me. 

More infamous words from NMom:

"You shouldn't feel that way."
"Nobody likes you."
"You'll never . . . ."
"I will always love you as long as you . . . ."
"I don't know why you did . . . ."
"You are so ridiculous."
"You are so dramatic."
"You look so much better when you . . . ." 

And the kicker:

"Don't you care about my feelings!!!"