Recent Posts

21

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 10, 2026, 11:54:48 AM »

Didn't go to church on Sunday and it felt freeing. Funny how something that started out somewhat positive turns into an expectation, demand, command, obligation.

So I journaled outloud and this was the fact of it: I don’t have resources to prop up a geriatric church that’s looking for younger people to carry the torch, especially when I'm not a married HOUSEwife with money. Supporting with free labor or cash isn’t my job right now. Full frontal clarity.

And I will also say the praying it's just Christians doing magic it's no different. Praying to an invisible deity with hope they will intercede on my life is the epitome of retardedness. If there were deities they can intercede if they want on their own AND it's quite narcissistic for a deity to demand worship and praise all the time.

Really if the christian god were a mortal human in flesh that person would be a narcissist cult leader.
- I am all powerful I give and take away
- I know everything
- I am perfect and the only perfect
- I have the power to punish you
- I can control hurricanes and make them miss your house if you pray hard enough
- Even your daily bread is from me, you might plant it, water it, nurture the grain, harvest it, mill it, yeast it, time it, ... you might do every fucking piece of the LABOR but I am the narcissist god that owns your food and owns you.
- Keep giving me money. I'm all powerful but I can't make an underground well below the church made of liquid diamonds.
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I guess I just had to get that out.

I think it's healthy to be self-centered within context.

The imaginary daddy in the sky thing is just not for me. There I said it. Am I fanatically against Christians no I am not. They can do what they want I do wish they would stop the conversion of vulnerable people. The church I have been attending has so missionary nurse thing in Africa... yes giving people healthcare is a benefit and it's positive.. but doing that in order to convert people is actually quite gross - hey you're sick and poor? The medicines might heal you but the invisible daddy in the sky owns you. Owns you AKA "created you"

Wow. I seem to have had a deep teenage style rant inside of me who knew.
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So I am an atheist always have been end of story. I'm just using the church for my social sanity. Feels wrong then again the church burned all those women at the stake lol so why not go and have a cookie and coffee when I feel like. Or just avoid it altogether. I will say that having a gross older male at the church start to give me unwanted attention is a big part of the problem I am having with this church.

MY solution - If I want to - I can go to the services and avoid the coffee visit afterwards altogether.

And the truth is I do like some of the women at the church I do. But maybe they wouldn't like me if they thought I was a religious dabbler or worse.

Socializing is really hard.
- proximity
- social skills
- resources
- ideology (some groups are not based on this)
- context match and fit

I really want to join a hiking group but I don't have a car. Well at least I hear myself. Myself says just get together with active people doing activities.

22

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 10, 2026, 08:49:51 AM »

Fingers crossed this posts, sans delay, this time.

Embroidery is easy - I started when I was 5 or 6. At first, you'll notice your stitches aren't as clean/regular as the examples you've seen. You get there, by practice - and learning the art of patient, meditative attention. These days, I don't find that kind of "attention" relaxing (like with needlepoint; don't do much of that either); it's more of a challenge and I have to take a lot of breaks.

23

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 09, 2026, 02:15:50 PM »

Embroidery seems to be making a come back. I don't do it it's just I guess it can be a small portable project so people are into that. I got a small little wood embroidery packet free at a yardsale I just haven't practiced all the stitches.

Once had a sewing machine but it turned out to have a defect which I found out by searching online and a lot of people were all reporting a tension issue with it. Oh well. I do wish I had craft space. Shrug.

Well I better drink water and get going.

24

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 09, 2026, 02:08:38 PM »

Yeah, I like the historical sewing challenges! But I do bags, and tactical stuff for B, too. In the past, I did 7 bridesmaids dresses for step-D's wedding. Hol's 1930s style wedding dress (deep crimson satin - LOL) Lots of kids PJs, soft toys to add to kid entertainment boxes for the post-Katrina recovery. Mike's mom supported her kids, after their Dad died, with her sewing. She made a lot pageant dresses and tailored suits.

It's a whole world of it's own - and it's encouraging to see a lot of younger seamstresses on YT. I do branch out a bit, and get into midieval garments... which were actually practical, and weren't designed to "express oneself". I watch a couple costume designers - everything from ren faire, cosplay stuff to people doing pretty artsy garments.

Do you have any public gardens or arboretums near you? They might be safe to explore on your own - and possibly meet some people with common interests that might be easy to socialize with. It kinda sounds to me, like you've been told you NEED to get out more and be with people like it's some kind of absolute checkbox to achieve "for your own good". New widows get that advice a lot! And I was adamant, that I just wanted to be alone. Absolute solitude was very beneficial for me. Then, organically, unintentionally, I shifted out of that and now occasionally "hang out" with Hol and some of her friends. Not on any regular basis - just according to my mood and whatever their agenda for the visit is.

I often wonder why it is, that there is this idea that it's NOT OK, to not like some people; as if it's a requirement of virtue to like and get along with everyone. Life just isn't like that - and in fact, that idea can be dangerous when one runs across the socio-/psycho- personalities in the world.

PS - I'm trying to just let this post while I do something else in a new tab. Sometimes that works; sometimes it doesn't. It just times out.

Wow, I didn't know you did so much sewing Skeptikal. That is a lot of dresses to sew holy cow.

No- this thing of me getting out is SELF-imposed. Nobody told me to do it.

Getting out is related to
- me needing agency
- me needing to not get into a depressive slump worse than what I already am dealing with
- me needing to shake off stagnant vibe stress
- me needing privacy
- me needing friends
- trying to slowly face the social anxiety issue it's a real problem and the path of least resistance is be depressed alone and give up on living period
- literally just movement one needs it
- me mourning not having a car and not getting to the places I want to go so I do more intensive local exploring
- just a weird unexpected chapter of my life
- seasonal pressure in the pacific northwest is also a real thing we become indoorsy due to all the rain so there is a sense of fleeting carpe diem - seize the season. Carpe aestatem?

Yeah I go to horticulture events but I don't really meet people there it's like much older ladies in their own bubbles or home owners or something I find that these events tend to be self-absorbed and people aren't trying to meet other people. Oh well I do like them as part of enjoying the fleeting season get out look at dragonflies and hummingbirds and flowers why not.

25

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 09, 2026, 01:53:08 PM »

AI is better therapy than my therapist was. Quit doing the video calls with her a while ago. It just felt like I was talking to an empty room and I don't see what is the point in that. And I told her about stuff I struggle with and she was like "make a plan" and I thought yeah I have a hard time making certain plans - it was one of the things I told her at the start.

Frankly it seems like they do all the school so they can get the $900.00+ the insurance pays out. I wish the system would just pay me instead lol. Only did a handful of sessions and I think that was the cost of it just under $1,000. But I'm the same person. Northing new under the sun no more extra agency. I think most of my insights are just from me self reflecting and obsessively reading about personality disorder topics.

Talking to a therapist made the world seem larger which is good I suppose because sometimes it feels like life is shrinking down and down.

Well I am going to charge my phone and maybe call a friend that moved to East Coast.

26

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 09, 2026, 12:18:46 PM »

Yeah, I like the historical sewing challenges! But I do bags, and tactical stuff for B, too. In the past, I did 7 bridesmaids dresses for step-D's wedding. Hol's 1930s style wedding dress (deep crimson satin - LOL) Lots of kids PJs, soft toys to add to kid entertainment boxes for the post-Katrina recovery. Mike's mom supported her kids, after their Dad died, with her sewing. She made a lot pageant dresses and tailored suits.

It's a whole world of it's own - and it's encouraging to see a lot of younger seamstresses on YT. I do branch out a bit, and get into midieval garments... which were actually practical, and weren't designed to "express oneself". I watch a couple costume designers - everything from ren faire, cosplay stuff to people doing pretty artsy garments.

Do you have any public gardens or arboretums near you? They might be safe to explore on your own - and possibly meet some people with common interests that might be easy to socialize with. It kinda sounds to me, like you've been told you NEED to get out more and be with people like it's some kind of absolute checkbox to achieve "for your own good". New widows get that advice a lot! And I was adamant, that I just wanted to be alone. Absolute solitude was very beneficial for me. Then, organically, unintentionally, I shifted out of that and now occasionally "hang out" with Hol and some of her friends. Not on any regular basis - just according to my mood and whatever their agenda for the visit is.

I often wonder why it is, that there is this idea that it's NOT OK, to not like some people; as if it's a requirement of virtue to like and get along with everyone. Life just isn't like that - and in fact, that idea can be dangerous when one runs across the socio-/psycho- personalities in the world.

PS - I'm trying to just let this post while I do something else in a new tab. Sometimes that works; sometimes it doesn't. It just times out.

27

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 08, 2026, 07:52:45 PM »

I've got a little pocket book type thing I got in a free book shelf. It's about shame. I might read it in a while. Yay me.

Did the dishes. Sun sets at 8:30 pm.

Maybe I will do a micro nap.

Micro everything.

28

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 08, 2026, 07:50:41 PM »

Having post meal tired slump.

Microwaved some cold plain pasta. Dumped some can tuna next to it and some coleslaw stuff. So mostly a no cook meal. It's hot out. OMG why am I so tired. This coffee is doing nothing for me.

Oh. So my hiking girlfriend has kinda flaked too many times. I am okay with it in the sense that people are busy. It's just part of being an adult. But I took her out of my phone so I don't text her out of boredom which kinda feels like the right thing to do because I am finding that I don't want to participate in friendships that kinda drag out as a text. I'm also not entirely sure what her deal was she seemed a little love-bomby when I first met her.

Went to a horticulture lecture today and it was nice. Not as good as having a garden but i suppose it's still stimulating somehow.

Tomorrow I am going to ditch morning church I think and go to a farmers market. Can't let the cult suck me in too much.

So I was invited to go over the a church ladies house for some lunch meeting and it sounds really nice. It would be a pain for me to get there on the bus.

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I am NOT good and making friends. And not exciting or interesting enough to keep them. Or I don't select them well. I sort of let people select me which is likely part of the problem.

I've spent this entire summer attempting to socialize. I am not a social butterfly.

Do I have more thoughts about it meh very much too sleepy to think more. Maybe I am moving beyond worry and struggle with it and I just need to get on with my day. Take a nap. Clean. Do something productive.

29

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 08, 2026, 06:56:23 PM »

Sorry I didn't post before now! We've been running all over god's creation trying to solve problems and when I had a chance to check in - couldn't post.

Sewing = mostly mending. When that pile's done I have a 19th century chemise to start and a carrying bag for B to haul his blackpowder bipod in, to design/make.

DMV is notorious! People's complaints are justified, based on some of my old experiences. But we've lucked out in WV; even though it IS a challenging 45 min drive away - the people there have all been competent, friendly and it's not a bad experience at all.

Oh that sounds like dress-up clothes project for reenactment. Somehow I didn't realize you were into doing that.

I only come here periodically & lots of times I too can not get the posts to go through.

30

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on August 08, 2026, 06:52:03 PM »

I'd say enough emotionally stabilizing micro-wins tip into the macro-win category, or model it for your synapses, which eventually upgrade their programming.

Bravo, Hippy!

My wins lately are that dear new BF is off to watch the eclipse in Spain from a boat and despite lurving him, I'm happy to have a break so I can return to blissful solo navel gazing for a while. He'll be gone most of the rest of the month.

So I'm watching British detective shows on Acorn and finding it very relaxing. The sweetest one is called The Last Detective and a dated but engrossing one is A Touch of Frost.

I've skipped PT for a week and don't care. I was going in near-shredded old Tshirts and three new ones just arrived so I won't feel as awkward. Nice colors, fairly rough cotton but they were cheap and should laaaaast.

hugs
Hops

Watching the moon in Spain sounds nice. I miss my old not-city neighborhood it was nice all the time like that.

Solo time is wonderful it really is because privacy and sinking into the room without eyes watching is a basic necessity I swear. Hum I watched the "Call The Midwife" series and the other one about the veterinarian.

I got to pet a dog today. Yay me.