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21
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 10:03:10 PM »
Whatever I don't care if you judge me or maybe I do.

I go to the foodbank when I can right.

I'm not lying and maybe this is bad but it feels like Christmas and it's not even a particularly nice foodbank.

The reason why it feels like Christmas is because sometimes they have random nicer things.

My entire life would I buy an $8.00 container of yogurt no I wouldn't. Once in a blue moon I find something like this.

But also since the near foodbank is not managed too well they really don't have very many veggies or fruit.

Yes I am still thankful.

They do often have cookies, cake like junk and such.
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When I am grocery shopping and just spending cash I usually just buy what I need for a couple days and maybe some staples. I don't buy soda, ice-cream, potato chips and the like regularly.
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When I go to the foodbank I take everything I might eat and it's rationed out there anyways.
You get only one can of beans AND they will give you a whole expired cake sometimes. It's hit and miss.
I have never seen broccoli, cabbage, carrots at this foodbank not once.
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Look I know I am a grown ass adult.
I always ate healthy in the past.
I'm not eating healthy now. If there is junk food I take it and if it's only a LARGE QTY package because they have nothing else I take that large package. And then once I get it home I don't want to waste it so I am eating all this crap.
And I will sometimes eat things JUST because I would never buy it.
I got this expired giant pastry thing if I were to buy it it would be 25.00 and I would never spend that on junk food
I would buy a 3.00 brownie once a week maybe
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I don't even feel good when I eat this stuff.

Part of me has thoughts like "other people are getting it why should I deprive myself"
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I don't have a ton of food around but what I can pilfer away I do just to have it in case.

I don't weigh that much I am 126.

Also WEIGHT alone is NOT an indicator of health.

I'm not obese BUT I've been doing this a few months now and I do feel I have some skinny flab on my gut and arms.

but also I have been eating like I don't give a crap about cholesterol
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I am eating sometimes from low stimulation and boredom and what else who knows

I can't afford to eat out so it's practical for me to make some food at home and even EAT when I am not hungry

"If I eat now I won't be hungry in one hour"
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I'm not vain or am I. Generally I have felt I am quite ugly but it has never been due to being over weight because I've been a bit control freak about food. Not my whole life.. I quit being a food control freak maybe sometime in my 30's.
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I don't get emotional like about food.
I have an overweight friend and her face lights up and she gets exuberant talking about food.
I haven't been making any new recipes lately not intentionally. I've been doing the make what is on hand thing.
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I didn't have sugar cravings four months ago.
Now I do have sugar cravings.
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The junk food that I have in the refrigerator right now I tasted it and I can throw the rest away I don't have to eat it all in fact I shouldn't this is too much junk!

I am allowed to throw away food still.
I am allowed to eat half a portion and not eat all of it if I am not hungry.
I am not going to starve to death this week it's just not going to happen.

My health still matters even though I am getting older.

I think I do burn lots of calories because it seems as though I can sort of pig out on food and I don't get obese.

But am I making the best choices?

Try it! -- I think this is a good choice.
EAT ALL OF IT DON"T WASTE ANYTHING -- I think this is a bad choice.

"you can't tell me what to do" --- huh look I am even doing defiant eating who knew?

And also "I won't be like you" ------- seriously this is psychological eating

Is this mature?

Whatever. I said it. I am getting junk from the foodbank.

I might drink some water. I might put some stuff into a bag and take it out to the trash and then just go out and walk around because also I can't sit. It's summer the sun has not set. But also I am tired.
22
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 08:55:31 PM »

Maybe I should read this one though I'm not sure sounds like another generic self help thingy. Maybe I should still read the generic thingies.

Who You Were Meant to Be: A Guide to Finding or Recovering Your Life's Purpose
by Lindsay Gibson
23
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 08:50:16 PM »

I'm doing some weird psychological eating lately and I should write about it at some point.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 08:45:43 PM »
I'm tired. I am going to eat some sugar because because indulgence is over-riding health mind.

I feel I want to say something about all that glop but I am not sure what.

The part in the book where the author Lindsay Gibson writes a tidbit about how it is hardwired into people that the group is safer is being alone stands out to me because this is just so the opposite of how I grew up etc. But also it conveys essentially that people have a deep brain-need to be around other people. Our nervous systems were set up to want to be in a group. It's natural for HEALTHY people to feel it's rewarding to be around other people PERIOD like there doesn't have to be a reason the being with BEING WITH part is important in itself.

Like today Ollie's owner was saying how he was not a snuggly dog but that he still always wanted to be with her.

Humans really are tribal packs they just are it's an evolutionary scientific fact.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 08:19:21 PM »

I'm tired. I am going to eat some sugar because because indulgence is over-riding health mind.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 08:17:19 PM »

Have seen this book years ago. It's nothing new but reading it again or maybe I never read this one.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Had underlined a few words and lines and clearly part of the book also helps the reader see their own immature behavior and insecurity.

- living life from our own deeper nature instead of focusing on x
- their neglect was not about us it was about them
- efforts at communication never made things better
- the feeling of being alone in the world
- x pg 8
- x pg 9
- EIP don't notice their children's inner experience
- "I had no way of knowing that most people don't feel this way"
- primitive brain likes familiarity
- C of EIP might acquiesce to relationships they don't really want
- you can trust yourself to know when you're emotionally satisfied
- held a low place in the family pecking order
- he saw himself as someone who could be easily overlooked
- isn't it up to me to meet my own emotional needs
- her mother still complains that Natalie never loved her
- Children like Natalie often grow up as little adults... appearing to need practically nothing
- You have prehistoric reasons for not liking to be lonely. (human evolution) pg 23
- blame
- emotional freedom
- differentiated enough to build a life of their own
- rigid or impulsive
- they often over react
- they are subjective not objective
- how they are feeling is more important than what is actually happening
- they don't have enough awareness of other people's individuality
- egocentrism lacks joy and openness
- self preoccupied in an obsessed way
27
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 07:48:17 PM »

- Well I did not get to sleep when I wanted to last night took two hours longer due to disruptions.
- So last night I was feeling gloomy about today.
- I woke up tired. I didn't hear the alarm go off but I got in shower and cut some apple and cheese and left.
- Got on the bus.
- So arrived at the park with the correct name.
- I arrived sort of at the right location but not near to the trailhead I was going to meet other people at.
Booooooo... see this is how it is riding the bus. In a car a person drives for two more minutes and finds the right spot.
- I ended up texting the person said "well I am 40 minutes behind you guys maybe I will see you on the way out.
- I never saw them.
Booooo
- They texted me an hour after I texted them and said blandly "sorry we missed you"
- I would probably do the same thing too maybe except for.... too tired to finish my thought there
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I walked by myself
I looked at the River and thought about Brad Pitt of all things
I saw red dragonflies
I saw a group of swallows flying circles around a willow tree
I saw a struggling bumble bee not sure what was wrong with it so I put it on a flower and it started eating
Decided to stick the bee on the ground and brought it 8 more berry blossoms set on the ground because what else is a bored human going to do
I saw a couple creepy guys
I talked to a couple looking at a fly-catcher bird
I saw two ski jets going down the river that is all I saw on the river
I saw a fish jump
Stared at an old yellow farmhouse across the river next to a lime green barn and though how different this little area is from the other parts of the city
I saw a pitbull try to attack a smaller dog
I sat down and read a book for a long long while
A dog named Olly came up to me so I patted him and he slobbered on me
I finally found the toilet and there were no maps
Well my list is getting dull
On my way out I went by the wrong location again and saw some people setting up an outdoors buffet style BBQ in the park - could it have been a whole Filipino family or something maybe.
Wooo I feel tired and I didn't walk that far.
At least I met pet a dog. Dog pets have become my new goal it seems doable at least.
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Also while I was at the park my brain is scanning things that should be improved. Why do I do this maybe because I am old. I am thinking the maps are missing the one board they had there wasn't updated since 2025, there was garbage around and they really do need to cut down some of the blackberries because if they don't the river views will be totally obscured and if they have garbage cans in one area why not put them in the main area too. They have it near the dog park of course that makes sense. They actually have an industrial garbage can like one I have never seen before for the dogs.

And there is one particular part of the trail that feels extra sketchy and is really overgrown.
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Sleepy. Came back ate lunch. Heart feeling heavy due to environment.

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I tried it out. Moral of the story is arrive early. But also at least I went.


 
28
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 20, 2026, 07:25:59 PM »

Thanks Hops.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Hopalong on June 20, 2026, 12:42:44 PM »
Really like how you think, and test, and ponder and propose states of mind. Your stuff about outrage was extremely interesting, imo.

I also related a lot to your description/s of anxiety. I had "free-floating anxiety" for many years and just hated it. I know that wave of fear. It's way softer and rarer now, knock wood.

When fear becomes identity, ain't no possibility of good things happening. Or less.

I hope you do walk, keep on circulating with hoomins as you can. No need to criticize yourself for microsocial stuff.

I watched myself under a microscope for so long that I forgot to be present, or forgot how. An anxious body can sound like a pipe organ to the person living in it.

hugs
Hops

It's okay to be a citizen of your own world.
30
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 19, 2026, 06:51:26 PM »

"Standing on the bare ground,—my head bathed by the blithe air and uplifted into infinite space,—all mean egotism vanishes. I become a transparent eye-ball; I am nothing; I see all; the currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am part or particle of God."  R.W.E.
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