Recent Posts

21

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 31, 2026, 12:38:32 PM »

Yesterday I peeked in the window of a cafe that was closed to view their wallspace.

Then went into an art center that was on the verge of closing for the day. I looked for 5 mins.

Then walked into an art store I had never been in before. Didn't buy anything but what I discovered is they seem to have a superior brand of acrylics for less money.

Then I went into an art gallery that I thought was a hooka lounge. It's a strange low-scale not swanky art gallery. The owner was there and must have been bored out of his mind and he told me about the city, the artist, other venue owners. He was very open and honest and not cagey about how the gallery is a hobby type thing and not a money making endeavor. I so want to tell him to paint the walls in a way that is not going to clash with the art but who am I to tell people what to do. It was a very nice chat and I have to be thankful for kind engaging people but then again it's kind of his job. I mentioned to him that I had put my art up once before in a neighborhood I lived in but didn't sell anything.

I have more persona art related thoughts maybe I will just write them uncensored.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 31, 2026, 12:17:50 PM »

Now I am checking my calendar, and mychart appointments etc.

Somehow I never heard the term micro-win before. I am giving myself credit now for my microtasks I really need to do this to stay focused and stay action oriented. And I enjoy it.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 31, 2026, 12:01:17 PM »

Punishing and pathologizing basic self-expression ... this is what the narcissist does. I need to try not to do this to other people really truly.

Where is the line between healthy self expression and rude self expression. But then again who cares about being rude or not rude to jerks.

---"Pathologization of Agency: Normal human expansion, vitality, and assertiveness are conditioned to be viewed as "symptoms" or social infractions. Joy and movement are preemptively suppressed to prevent triggering the aggressor's punitive response."

I think there is something double going on here where some generations were taught that females should not be assertive and then there is that on top of narcissist control. It's a double suppression of personality and needs.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 31, 2026, 11:53:31 AM »

This morning I am thinking about how through strict micro-controlling parenting and bullying and trained to be polite I am also a very quiet person.

Not just quiet in speaking that is not exactly what I mean. What I mean is quiet in behavior. The quiet of not existing, not taking up space, the quiet of not competing and not drawing attention.

Now it's not that I A) am obsessed with drawing recognition (I don't think but maybe I should start to just be okay with that too). It's B) overly worried about engaging if engaging makes sound etc. Okay I lost my train of thought got interrupted.

I might come back to this. I think I need to come back to this really. REALLY REALLY REALLY.

I'm probably still stuck in a decades old plastic container like a plexiglass sound proof tube just stuck in there and if I leave it there are many threats - 1) the authorities will be called because I am no longer controlled, an ambulance would be called because HOW DARE she do anything at all HOW DARE she take up space that must be an illness. She is getting too big, too active, too verbal, holy shit don't smile don't dance don't do anything stay on the periphery be quiet, be quiet, be quiet, be quiet.

I just had to say it. It felt like a stupid morning but also a therapeutic morning. The therapeutic morning of seeing the cruelty and absurdity and double standard of the forever other-referencing.

Interesting.

Lets see what was my code words, peace, joy, action, transmutation. The peace does not necessarily mean small and quiet and not-bothersome.

Maybe I should change it to freedom, joy, action, transmutation.

Maybe I need big noise therapy to desensitize myself.

I do like quietly sitting under a tree and reading a book. I really do. But what if something more needs to be done.

And...

Also what if duh being small, quiet, unbothersome, too self conscious, worried about the punishment of being loud actually relates to social skills too.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on July 30, 2026, 01:12:35 AM »

My old saw is just that emotions are weather. They always change and they always pass.

When I was in the grip of what I thought was grief, a T once told me I was talking about trauma. Too MUCH sadness for too long maybe turns into trauma?

What I hear, Hippy, is your loneliness. Yet I'm so impressed with the way you are pushing yourself into the stream of life anyway. Giving something or some group or some activity a try anyway. Looking for some beauty or creativity anyway. Finding art and music anyway.

It just sounds positive, period. It's taken me a long time to find the balance of how much introvert and extrovert I'm experiencing in myself, depending on circumstances -- but I do feel more balanced now.

Poo on the pagans. I'm sorry if you're sorry, if you know what I mean.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on July 29, 2026, 07:58:52 AM »

Those social messages (be happy, look like a barbie doll, be independent) are a kind of peer-pressure to conform to that arbitrary "standard" of the moment. Like all fashion - it changes. For me, it was the "be happy" message that was the most dangerous. Actual human beings simply aren't happy 24/7/365 with no anxiety or concerns unless they're completely delusional and disconnected from reality.

Hops & I can go on about this at length, with many many more examples. My D, Hol, is working on her own list because it's in her nature to be fiercely independent, very intense (which scares a lot of people - male & female alike), and yet she's very kind, caring, and a compulsive problemsolver. She refuses to play the character that society tries to push onto her - because it's NOT who/what she is. And she simply won't pretend. This can create additional problems in her life - but she accepts that.

I stopped trying to find/chase happiness. And I let it find me. I still did all the same things, still enjoyed some little things... but one day I wasn't doing anything particular and just realized I was happy! It was a strange feeling, so I just sat with it... and in a few minutes it faded... just like all emotions do (some more persistant than others). And these days, it comes & goes as it will - just like frustration, anger, resentments, silliness, and just good old coziness. May the fairy of happiness come visit you!

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by sKePTiKal on July 29, 2026, 07:40:33 AM »

Old versions of Photoshop, would include a tool to change the resolution up/down. Of course, it was up to the artist to decide how much was too much... the software deleted some pixels from the original, when moving resolution down... and "interpolated" (or guessed; made up) gradations between pixels when increasing resolution. It was never totally perfect, but it was great for shrinking file sizes in the early days of websites. Some social media still impose limits on uploaded file sizes... and I have yet to find any app that does what my photoshop 4 (speaking of OLD) can do.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 29, 2026, 01:19:32 AM »

- Made important phone call. It seems to have turned out way better than I had expected. Had been actually becoming weirdly avoidant and anxious about it. We shall see. Positive so far.

- Walked while I called. Got exercise.

- Went to music event was kinda dead but hey I checked it out.

- Made it back before nightfall.

- No dogs to pet. That's okay. I did enough.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 28, 2026, 08:49:53 PM »

I didn't know there were ways to cheat resolution but I guess many things have changed.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 28, 2026, 08:47:47 PM »

Hmmmm. I think you're on to something!

Looks like the outline of an experiment, anyway - maybe apply intentionality and then assess whether sadness lifts a noticeable amount, with/without repetition - and were there any other variables that were involved in one result or the other? (I dunno; just spitballing a half-assed idea...)

I dunno Skeptikal about this experiment.

The thing is I feel like I don't always even notice my own sadness sometimes like it's too quiet. I feel like sadness is not always a loud state-of-being. I had to doodle a little picture look at it and then think "she looks sad" in order for something to click.

It's probably not rocket science. I think it might be due to lack of family and being single. Things I've not focused on a lot. I've focused on trying to define a problem and analyze other people's behavior. I've not done enough of building up my own life.

I'm not against feminism but I think the messaging about people always being happy with being "independant" "on their own" was kind of wrong. It's somewhat a healthy and somewhat an unhealthy message.

Getting all hyped up on sugar right now. Going to do adulting.