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21

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:23:29 PM »

Cortisol spikes in the morning. It's a time that I sometimes get panic attacks also. And a frequent theme if I do have any insights during that time is a feeling of existential loneliness. I think it's real. I think I was trained my entire life to accept social isolation as quite normal and so now I am left with a problem of how to deal with it or face it when I've pretty much suppressed it as a problem my entire life. The first time I had one of these existential moments of loneliness was a many years ago and I thought it was maybe a passing fluke like a remnant from a dream so I didn't pay too much attention to it besides what do you do anyways.

The loneliness I get is more of an animalistic existential fear of the tiger will eat me type. I don't think it's the type of a person who doesn't know how to be alone with themselves.

I do think it's starting to impact my waking life. Most adults do make decisions I feel like in a way based on - where is their family, where is their friend group, where is their familiar landmark. I am feeling almost 100% liminal. Anyhow I got an errand to do this morning.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:07:54 PM »

The dream?

Something about me going up to a movie ticket booth to get a ticket and the person selling it was someone with a growth on their head like Joseph Merrick but instead of the worker selling me the ticket they insisted that instead I should watch the movie WITH them. I think I just left. Looked like it was the 1920s or 1940s not sure.

I had been thinking of such thing as "soul deformities" as I tend to use blunt-language when I subvocalize thoughts internally to myself.

I suppose the important points of it were:

- I was disgusted with the deformity on the ticket seller's head
- I was repulsed by the ticket seller indirectly trying to force me to do something their way
- It was something meant to be fun but it wasn't fun at all? idk

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on March 25, 2026, 03:56:03 PM »

What was it?  I can't remember mine very long.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on March 25, 2026, 02:21:34 PM »

Yeah Lighter some dreams are totally disturbing. Had one of those weird ones recently also.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on March 25, 2026, 02:08:31 PM »

Hi Lighter,

What stands out to me is the first line being blunt "they fuck you up."
Also the line "get out as early as you can"
And then finally the last line of
"don't have any kids yourself"

I understand some people go on to have warm aware families.

I had already imposed voluntary eugenics on myself maybe subconsciously even as I recall one day a very strong thought when I was a teenager that I would definitely NOT continue to do the same cycle.

When I looked this poem up I was reading about what it's like to be around narcissists that just don't interact normally. This poem was the only thing I could find at that moment though I wouldn't say it captures what I was trying to get at.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on March 25, 2026, 12:57:49 PM »

Meh....that verse brings up a lot of discomfort... just  to read it.

I dreamt my late Dad had Alzheimer's last night, but was otherwise physically ok. (IRL, he'd been wheelchair bound, half his body paralyzed/non verbal, mostly, for 20yr.) It was disturbing, bc he was so gleefully inappropriate, and chatty towards me, as his caretaker, in the scene....which never happened. 

I redirected him, like a child, and talked about cooking with him, and what we'd make.  He'd been a very good cook.  He taught me a lot. Thank God the dream ended happily, bc Mr. Larkin's words feellike a little gut punch to the spinal-soul.

What stands out, for you, in the verse? 

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on March 24, 2026, 11:00:47 PM »

This Be The Verse - Philip Larkin

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   
    They may not mean to, but they do.   
They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   
Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on March 24, 2026, 12:01:09 PM »

I hope tests get basics sorted, (((Hops.))) Strengthening comes next. 

I wonder if water exercise is a wise or possible option?  Maybe with flotation device? 

Spring is a lovely time to stretch, and warm muscles, in the sun.  Seated exercises, as Amber suggested, can happ n anywhere....the yard, in bed, a park.....alone or in a group.

I'll be waiting to hear how doc visits go.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on March 24, 2026, 09:16:45 AM »

Hops - until you're strong enough to work out on stairs (and have solved the BP/sugar mystery) look around for seated strengthening exercises - there are lots for feet and calves; thighs and lower back. I see them all the time on Ytube.

It COULD be you'd be helped with adding collagen in coffee or tea, daily. It could be you'd benefit more from low-dose/frequency of creatine instead. But I wouldn't start that until you sort out the internal issues. Being vegetarian, you're probably not always getting enough protein (which matters more when you're sedentary - muscle atrophy ya know?)

A simple step exercise, that will help feet, ankles and calves is to hold the rail, and with balls of your feet on the step, simple raise your heels up/down slowly. Stand up on tiptoes; drop heels down below step. Ballerinas need strong feet - so they have videos out there too of what they do. (And having that image in your head is intended to make the exercise medicine go down more easily! LOL)

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on March 23, 2026, 11:49:48 PM »

I probably spend an hour a day thinking about loneliness, physical decline, and death. Sometimes I tell myself I'm a brave thinker who's not scared of taboos. Other times, I realize it's just nonstop worrying.

There's a lot to be scared of when you're 75, physically weakening, and live alone. The ADD makes things more chaotic than they are for most of my pals.

My dog helps. Friends help, but I need to see more people more often. It's an Rx.

So I'm off to see my smart, kind geriatrician in an hour. I'm going to hand it all over to her. I know most of the problem is my own resistance to exercise, so the first thing is for me to choose the right exercise class at the Sr. Center and DO IT.

Another problem is occasional muscle weakness that makes my legs shake so hard I feel I might collapse. Happened in the shower a couple weeks back (felt I didn't have the strength to lift a leg to step out of the tub), and returning to my car downtown up a slight hill. I crept up an alley near the police station clutching a railing. Made it home, but. I feel unsafe walking any distance alone, due to this.

Today I'd really like to get an actual diagnosis. I figure it's either my chronic low-BP or something to do with blood sugar. But I don't know. I'll ask her to help me.

hugs
Hops

Well it's amazing that you've been able to clock the amount of time you worry about what.

Yes, health problems and being alone with them is scary territory stuff Hops.