Dear Hope,
Two things that you said seem to embody the N mother. One is that they, first and foremost, care about them. This is the opposite of the natural instinct of the "normal" mother which is to care about her child.
The second is that they deliberately try to break your will. This was the most horrible thing for me. She did break my will by taking away my trust in myself. She did it deliberately,(but it had to have been a part of her "sickness", I would think.)
I really hate facing that she, as a mother , should have tried to bolster us,but she eroded us to the point of extinction(or close) Thanks for sharing those poignant words Love Ami
P.S. There is a children's book--" I will love you forever"-- I think is the name. A pastor read it to the church. I was sobbing. while other people around me had a few tears. It touched me in such a deep place. See if you can find it and let me know.I would love to hear your reaction to it. It is about a mother's love. .
Dear Ami,
Thank you.
There's a little book like that which I always read to my son -
Owly. "How much do you love me, mama?"...
The "correct" answer, of course = More than myself, son. The expression of this answer in this little book always made my son's face glow
and mine!
There's a question which I still ask myself...
How is it that I know this... and she doesn't?
Surely it is not upbringing alone.
How can a mother raise a child and never once say, "I love you" ?
I didn't say it to my children because I learned it from experience. I said it because I couldn't NOT say it. It poured out from me.
What poured out from her was... intense in its lack of expression. I think she had the sort of "love" for me which she has for her little ceramic rabbit on her deck. She can admire it and cherish it and talk about how very sweet it is and how wonderful it makes her feel just to gaze at it through her window...
just as long as it doesn't come to life and start hopping into her flowers, nibbling at the leaves and leaving raisinettes all over the deck.
She didn't have a horrible childhood, to the best of my knowledge.
There was some deprivation of material stuff... it was the Great Depression, after all... but I know that sort of experience doesn't have this effect on all who endure it. We don't have much... and I know many folks who don't... but they don't resent it. They don't allow it to turn them into anal, miserable, insufferably self-centered bores. They don't spend their lives hoarding everything unto themselves lest they be somehow "cheated" of their just desserts.
I wonder what murdered her natural instinct that she could objectify me so.
And still, my mother is not the pathological liar which is the NPD trademark.
Grandiosity, yes... and all the rest. Lying - no.
Perhaps 10 on the scale makes NPD and she is a 9.
I dunno.
About the will-breaking... I don't think she even had a clue that it was normal and natural and positive that HER child should have a will independent of hers.
After all, (maybe she thought...) she'd never differentiated herself from her parents' will... she was a good little girl. Surely that was how it was supposed to be.
Good little girls (and surely she'd never have anything BUT a good little girl) always reflected their parents' glory.
Others received her disdain and contempt... including my father.
But I --- was merely an extension of herself. Her disdain and contempt for me had to be stuffed... as though it then became invisible.
As if!!
It was the elephant in the midst of the room... and I swallowed it whole.
I don't want to love myself like she does.
Only God is worthy of all that.
I've made a note about that book, Ami - thank you.
Also going to re-read one from some time ago -
The Sacred Romance - by Brent Curtis and John Eldridge
It's subtitle is - "Drawing Closer to the Heart of God".
I hope that you have a peaceful day, Ami.
With love,
Hope
