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51

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on April 02, 2026, 11:56:17 AM »

Well, I kept trying to pin the label on myself and several therapists told me to cut it out, I'm NOT a narcissist. I'm lots of other fun things: codependent, highly sensitive, bigly ADHD, and anxious. Also creative, quirky and open. Way healthier now.

(I was just terrified when I learned about what Nism was about 20 years ago -- it's why I came here -- and had all those realizations about my mother and brother, that I was obsessed with the subject for a long time. I saw Ns behind every bush and kept diving into their orbits, like with boyfriend M and perhaps Poet too...and my child). I realized I'd been groomed to feel familiar if not comfortable in that position. Nobody "planned" it for me and I'm not a victim any more. It was just where nature and history put everybody, I guess. But I think I'll always need to be cautious and learn to put trust and vulnerability only in kind hands.

hugs
Hops

52

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 02, 2026, 11:43:00 AM »

It's okay, there's loads of love in the universe. I think it's like the northern lights.
And although sometimes sincere, I think in my amaaaazing HINDsight that Poet's love has been more often a function of trying to maneuver everyone to get what she wants/needs from them. Not suggesting bad intent, just...unawareness.

A very understandable behavior for her to have acquired, given her childhood. I think she's been desperate for attention ever since. I was happy to give it for a long time.

I did a home test for apnea last night. Pup was very intrigued by all the stuff. It was tedious but I sure hope it worked. I don't want and wouldn't wear a standard C-pap but they make much simpler "nasal pillow" ones. Who knows. The only benefit of better diagnosis is awareness and, in case I decide to do it again, insurance coverage for GFP-1s. Which I'm not sure I want to take again anyway. Better sleep would be amazing enough.

My dear UU friend whom I spend a couple hours with a couple times a month has been in the hospital with blood clots in her lungs. I'm worried. It's the chapter we're in and the women in my covenant group have similar things on their minds. One lost a leg, one is going blind, one has incredible skeletal pain daily. I admire every single one of them.

I'm sure y'all have heard of "organ recitals?" Old joke about what old people talk about.

hugs,
Hops

53

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by Meh on April 01, 2026, 08:26:29 PM »

That marmoleum looks like flowing molten lava. Must be a very lively place.

54

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Meh on April 01, 2026, 06:01:03 PM »

Some of what you posted made me start another little cycle of worrying I might be an N, or N-ish. I think of it as behaviors rather than branding but scary stuff. Mainly around the why-don't-I-do-home-tasks-like-I-should. It really is mainly about my back though. Nothing superior about all that. I'm nibbling at it. TONS of shame attached.

Well If I were labeled as having a personality disorder I think I could accept it if it made sense to me. I think I would rather know.

55

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on April 01, 2026, 04:35:33 PM »

Too bad you can't sop up the Poet's love bombs, then go on about your boundary business, Hops.

You dang sure earned those bombs 😜

Lighter

56

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 01, 2026, 11:22:39 AM »

And had a good long chat with Abdalla, who is NOT Somali, but Sudanese. His in-laws were war refugees from Sudan to the UAE, and have now made it to Oman. The plan is for them to return to Sudan where one of the relatives has a house big enough to take in all four of them. At least until the ME war is over.

Hard to justify obsessing over marmoleum when he's been obsessing over family avoiding bombs. Perhaps he's the oldest son and feels responsible for everyone. Seems that way.

He also mentioned that this winter nearly wiped out the grounds dept, at the Univ where he works FT. They shoveled snow and broke up ice until exhaustion for days.

hugs
Hops

57

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on April 01, 2026, 11:16:44 AM »

So, this is not "news." Just reporting on a predictable step in the pattern, which I now realize is the "N pattern." A kind of "curtain call" if you've ever read Men Who Can't Love, which applies to any Nish person really.

After my brain circuit to Poet clicked off, no drama involved, she suddenly switched to "love bombing." I had just explained I needed to "let things rest" until she is in town in July, at which point we can check in to see if we'd both like to connect for coffee...I almost immediately got a gushy email about spring and love and friendship, urging me back into dialogue.

I just repeated that I need to let things rest. I feel clear that her radar went on because I was withdrawing the attention I'd dished out so reliably for so long. For once I knew what to do (calm but clear boundary, including for myself). We're just not in the same reality and she's dismissive and volatile, so I'm still out.

It's a little bit sad still, but not tragic. Releasing things to the universe is better practiced than preached about.

I think my new kitchen floor is a form of spiritual growth, SNORT....

Hugs
Hops

58

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Predatory grooming

« Last post by lighter on April 01, 2026, 09:30:09 AM »

The link says page not available, Hops, but I have a positive ish update on this topic.

The GAL has withdrawn, after the Judge followed her recommendation to give unsupervised visitation to the dad, including Christmas out of the Country with him.

The child just reported grooming, and "much worse things" I didn't want to know, so the case seems back on track.....for the moment.....but only after sliding into the ditch.

There's another forensic examination involved, and a report to a teacher.

Terribleness....mixed with possible relief and healing.

On the other front......

My cousin's dd20 has been very quiet.....just reached out.....touches base, sans sharing much....mostly we discuss biochemistry, and how the brain and Nervous System go in and out of fight or flight.  It's quick .....and I know she's struggling. 

She did say all the books, I sent, arrived.  She's starting with Peace Is Every Step.

She's very bright......but, man......her daddy issues are..... terrifying.  I think she's been drinking with him, again.  I heard they were kicked out of a bar..... alcohol is poison for her, and it's all he wants to do.  He likes to get her drunk.

I thought she was ready to get a TRO against him, but she's..... unable to stay away from him, I guess? Maybe....there's a car crash and DUI involved?  Not sure if she was with him.

I can't say I understand it.  She's maybe too ashamed to talk about it. 

I will say this..... I try to see this without judgement....bc anger makes me dumb.

::thinking about her situation::.

He's weaponized her compassion.....and she's not built any defenses.  She doesn't know how.

Lighter

59

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2026

« Last post by lighter on April 01, 2026, 08:52:16 AM »

We're under a strict no burn fire hazard right now.  It's so dry....and it's been windy.  I heard a helicopter yesterday....maybe looking for fires.

The Dogwoods are blooming at the lake .....most of the new trees have been growing....have buds.

Seems the swamp Oaks aren't thriving......the River Birch and Redbuds are.

We're about to dive into Spring cleaning with two new housekeepers at the lake.  The mountain house is done.

I'm looking forward to garden reports, Amber.

Lighter

60

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on April 01, 2026, 08:46:19 AM »

Meh....my two cents.  Good therapy can be different things to different people.

If you make and take that first phone call .... perhaps a second ....you might find a compassionate witness you click with.

Even if they're doing other work, not applicable to you...
connection and "good therapy" might somehow be possible, bc that therapist gets you.

Truth:  There are therapist doing more harm than good out there....in all walks of the field.

Other truth:  There are good therapists, doing good work, in all walks of the field..... social workers, psychologists, clergy....bartenders.  My point is....sometimes, unexpected people help us make connections, for reasons other than the school they attended, or the job they're paid to do.

Finding someone, you click with, is more about alchemy, their experience, interests, toolbox, our willingness to sit in discomfort and talk about discomfort and pain, IME.  I'm a blurted, btw.  I just hit the high spots, unredacted btw, and put a t all on the table.....how the T responds tells me a lot.  I want steady, all business, let's get down to processing trauma and learning how I can do it in my own.....I want zero ego....I want HUGE compassion, even though it makes me cry.  My youngest DD wants to banter ....she wants a sharp wit, and humor mixed into her sessions.....and she wants to be found funny.    Needless to say, my T has concerns about DD's current T, but there it is.

Discerning who's right,wrong, or somewhere in between can be mindfulness practice for you, should you choose to make the call.  You can notice what comes up, how it feels, where you feel it, what changes it, if it changes.....and ask questions you care about.  At least you'd know a bit more about what they u don't want, if it doesn't work out.

Lighter