Recent Posts

51

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on February 11, 2026, 10:31:30 AM »

Well, when one is stuck inside because the weather is brutally hostile, I think we need to give ourselves some slack on how we're coping inside the house. Yes, I still do the dishes in the morning - but it might be 3 pm when I finish. B vacumns woodstove & surrounding mess every morning... and the rest of the house gets cleaned when I can write my name in the dust.

But basically I treat it like a 10 yr old treats a snow day off from school. LOL. The big Have To is usually cooking dinner. And what we watch on TV - if we watch something.

Seems like R eye vision is getting a bit clearer, some days; not consistent. The floaters in the other eye are going away. But I hope he can explain the slidy bubble I notice sometimes out of the corner of my R eye. I do spend an above average amount of time looking at screens.

52

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by lighter on February 11, 2026, 08:56:34 AM »

What you're describing, Meh.....feels adjacent to my "nose on pebble" lesson in therapy.

When one's nose is ON the pebble/problem/trauma/person,/people who created the trauma...

the pebble is HUGE .....
it's all we see.

Once we learn to create some distance......emotional distance.... the crude up and view the entire field....
we begin to see the other pebbles.
We see grass and flowers.....
we see trees and eventually sky and stars and moon and sea. Amazing.

Learning to meditate/breathe/rest our limbic systems.....
creates a split second of choice, IME.

Choice to NOT tumble down old, familiar rabbit holes of reactivity....of lightening fast brain pathways.

It builds a split second to SEE choice, and sometimes select it, IME.....to build on new choices.  Build them strong.

Your father and mother are pebbles, and you're learning how to create enough distance to see other things.....
this is HUGE, Meh!!! IME, of course.

In your experience, it may feel like something else.  I look forward to hearing about it.

53

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Hopalong on February 10, 2026, 10:00:04 PM »

Meh,
I don't believe there is a "right" or "wrong" time to process your path to mental freedom. I spent YEARS (living with Nmom) analysing, reading, breaking it down, spotting and recognizing the behaviors, figuring out sloooooowly what behaviors and damage it all left in me.....

There were times I was absolutely thrilled about getting a new insight into Nism. Every single small thing I learned about it felt like the window to my mind had opened another inch and more oxygen was breezing in. There were times I felt so drained by it that I was paralysed into that work-home-survive thing you've experienced so much of.

It's easy to say at 75, but time does heal. It doesn't perfect, but it does heal. My mother, at 98, finally left the planet. And eventually, left me too. And in time, I found out more about her, and unavoidable compassion and forgiveness occurred.

That said, I seldom think of her in my liberated life now, and I don't wake up thinking about narcissism. Endlessly grateful for a name for it, I'm just living and writing, and facing up to my own mess now. Not liking it, but not ashamed.

I think you're beginning to weigh and value and defend your OWN TIME.

hugs
Hops

54

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on February 10, 2026, 09:33:03 PM »

Pickles & Freddy, such wonderful names for your kitty heating pads.
And the wood stove....thank the lawd for that.

I'm glad you sound calm, peaceful, and coping.
It's warming up a little here....hope it is there too.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow's eye appt.

I've deteriorated home-wise, a lot.
Grappling with that.

hugs
Hops

55

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on February 10, 2026, 05:43:52 PM »

- I don't want to make any more observations about the N. due to I am just so done with them being a focal point. It's like they become a topic of a degree. A degree in witnessing a disturbed person and then trying to anticipate what the hell is going to happen.

- I've looked up a term called "intellectualization" and it's sort of procrastination maybe, maybe cope, maybe defense. Maybe there is some processing in there. -- I've got more to say about it I had a point but I am just trying to get so many things done.

Okay so my point and question is this IS THERE a right and wrong time to "process." I really do have more to articulate about that and I wanted to be more clear and specific though I am missing the clear and specific.

Seems like I go through the working rat-race rush stuff... cleaning, going, eating, sleeping, preparing for work, working, spacing out watching TV maybe. Like a vehicle in motion that is occasionally parked only to do nothing.

Then there are times where I feel everything is falling apart stuff is not going well it's even sometimes like an emotional storm.

So one is just trying to keep your crap together barely and the other is a lower level of not really keeping your crap together but still trying to function and get stuff done but all the emotional stuff no longer repressed or something.

I will come back to this again. I feel there is a problem with intellectualizing and also I think there is a tid bit of value in it because without it I would probably not be sorting things out at all. What I call journaling I am wondering if it's a maladaptive thing. Though I have talked my way out of problems before. Do I have a point that I am making. Who knows I will leave it sit here while I go do some other stuff.

56

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by lighter on February 09, 2026, 09:54:47 AM »

My brother made an excavator, with thumb and blade, available.....delivered in a heavy dump trailer on Wednesday. Perfection, bc my truck heavy enough to haul it. 

Contractor from home arrived Thursday morning, and we were rolling 10 hour days till 7pm last night.  Contractor drive home 2.5 hours.

So far, the two small metal chicken houses torn down and hauled away.  We took 2 loads to the dump.  A metal recycler took one.

Built 50' wide retaining wall out of boulders on property. It overlooks a pristine area on the lake ...no docks or houses visible in photos......this is where the arch will go.

There were some big black oak trees, suitable for milling.  I'd say we have 22 two inch thick boards, so far.  Most 10' long.  Just gorgeous.  Contractor dropped a dead Hickory and moved (3) 12' sections, to be milled, next weekend.Likely will get 9 more boards .

He cut a 12' fireplace mantle, for his home, 4" thick.....another cut for general purpose TBD.  There in the shop, stacked on a trailer with metal bars separating them.  The bars were salvaged from the woodcutting shed roof....it collapsed under the ice.

Contractor used the excavator to move largest logs into the wood splitter.  We were flat getting it done.  A large wiod rack salvaged from woodshed is now filled on the back patio.  Front porch rack moved under the deck.  I need to tarp it.

The front porch has wood stacked beautifully in a brick alcove.  On the other side of door, the alcove has a bench.  Super charming, esp since front door painted black with fussy little window decoration removed. 

2 doors need adjusting/repairs.

A window is dropping concrete at the top.

Roof, deck, attic vent repairs upcoming....will see about including window repair.

Wow.....I feel like I just bobbed to the surface!

Jovial and light....almost giddy.

I think the neighbor family working out well, so far.  She's the matriarch, the son is 34yo with the mind of a 7yo child....very positive and friendly....loves to be busy (was in charge of hammering in wedges on Alaskan sawmill job.). Contractor moved faster when the that help.  Husband is a mechanic who likes to learn/figure things out, build and problem solve, yup yup yup.  He also managed something housekeeping adjacent, in a hotel.

The journey continues.

Lighter

57

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by lighter on February 09, 2026, 09:02:00 AM »

There's mindful self evaluation.....lead by self compassion and curiosity....

and then there's judgment, comparison and energy wasted criticizing.

Breathe.....rise up.....gain some emotional distress stance.....embrace radical self compassion and acceptance...

take another look.

What can you do? 

Do what you can, then put the story on the shelf.

::Taking my own advice::.

Lighter

58

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by lighter on February 09, 2026, 08:31:54 AM »

I had to read that twice, Hops. 

Carried half bundles....
up a ladder....
onto a roof.

That's impressive, and I'm impressed.

About the pug.....I don't wake up thinking about walking and feeding her anymore. 

She's not a working dog....is always underfoot....but the very best snuggler.

I like the sound of a cold beer, end of the day, shoulder to shoulder with your yellow Lab.  Yes.

Lighter

59

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on February 09, 2026, 07:18:59 AM »

Oh Pickles comes & curls up on my right side and Freddy sits on the left arm of the couch. We've had a woodstove going since lunchtime a couple days. Heating pads are our friends. The cold means we've cut smoking down (this past week or two) by more than half - just because it's too unpleasant outside. The studio is warm, and we do smoke out there - with windows open & ceiling fan. Which I probably left on Sat. night. I'll slide downhill later today to check on it.

It's been a very slow time, except for the eye excitement. The prednisone seems to be doing the trick on the right eye - but it's still blurry. The floaters seem to be going away in the left eye. Do another check on Wed.

60

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by Hopalong on February 09, 2026, 04:56:08 AM »

((((Meh)))),

It sounds like (clinical?) depression to me....
I empathize. Hope the cold hasn't made it worse.

I've been apathy mining too.
Too ashamed of the RHM (real house mess) to describe it, but I think it's glowering underneath it all.

Hang in there.

hugs
Hops