Recent Posts

51

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 12, 2026, 10:43:17 AM »

-- Waking up here

-- I am going to meet a friend and I am feeling stressed about it -- going to meet them and then they are going to drive -- control freak part of me I guess is stressing about stuff like -- what if something happens -- what if I get stranded -- I hope I am not turning into a paranoid narcissist --

-- I think it's going to be a hot day here

-- I don't need to over plan this day but my brain wants to overplan it.

-- I should just take a shower -- water load before I leave so that I am pre hydrated and just give up on the rest

-- I feel tired I think I didn't sleep well

I feel I should not be hanging out with a friend but I've found that I am not being particularly productive recently.

If I say to myself go sit in cafe and work on stuff -- I sit there kinda space out and don't work on stuff.

clearly I need to do something different because my soul is registering my current attempts at being productive as fruitless --- Do A -- Get B - Failure and bad experience

Do C -- and get D mystery outcome idk

Anyhow I do think the therapist has kind of helped me see that I've got a lot of layers of stress "trauma" piling on like a layer cake. -- a series of just too many things not going well but then of course I feel like it's a weakness in me which causes stuff to go very badly anyhow I need to go into departure mode.

52

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 12, 2026, 10:34:29 AM »

And......in 100 years, what will it matter?


Right Lighter

53

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 12, 2026, 08:34:42 AM »

In my case, I know it's the "inner critic" raising it's bully head again. A lot of problem solving takes a ton of energy. Mental exhaustion is a real thing.

I have a lot of ways to ignore it now.  <big grin>

54

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by lighter on May 11, 2026, 09:48:15 PM »

No mobs, but we've caught 5 meeces so far.  We're rather committed beings, when it comes to mice and clean kitchens/bathrooms.  Ruthless, some might say.

We gave the clover yard everything we had.  It lives, or dies now.  We have to go.....maybe tomorrow night.  I'd love to visit Ohio cousins, hear divorce court stories, drive to Toronto and fly back for DD's Optometrist campus visit.  She's applied to the top 2 schools. The closest vrr isn't worth missing all that.

Bald patches got scraped, re seeded and spritzed just now.  Root rot be damned.  If it doesn't take, we'll pivot.

All the hay, we scraped up, went on the other new level area with stone retaining wall.....to keep freshly moved dirt in place.

Everything looking much better.

Tomorrow will be cleaning up, and making things neat again.

Lighter

55

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on May 11, 2026, 09:36:48 PM »

...."not getting a lot done."

And......in 100 years, what will it matter?

FYI.....healing some generational trauma WILL matter.

Receiving your own permission, to rest, without "earning" it....will matter, IME.

The stuff.....and getting it done.....just won't matter, not at all, but IME.

I wish I could go back and worry less about the stuff .....I really do.

In fact, I wish I could go back and fiercely refuse to worry at all.

Worry got me dysregulated and dumbed down to surviving.

There were so many things I wish I'd done instead.....choose an action, DO IT, then put the problem on a shelf.....turn back to joy, and only that.

What an amazing ride that could have been......if only.

But as they say....
No regrets, lol.

Onward and upward.  Here's to making better decisions/trying out different decisions every day.

Even if it's making coffee different, or wearing different pants, etc ....
I want less of habit, and more of what can be!!!  I want my brain to get feisty.....and choose differently....choose more, and better, and for my highest purpose.

Yes.

Lighter

56

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 11, 2026, 04:32:50 PM »

Me too. Lots of things on my list I want to do - but it's either too chilly making me want to cocoon or too hot, which means I'll be miserable. I did remember that pollen does this to me, some years. But it should be going away soon. I hope!

I dunno; I'm not beating myself up over being "lazy". I have some "have to" things coming up that I need to have a lot of energy/smarts for... sigh.

57

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 11, 2026, 10:56:12 AM »

-- Instead of hanging out with someone yesterday I kept thinking of the regret of not doing it but also I was tired
-- Sometimes there is tired that is cured by doing stuff
-- yesterday morning I identified a feeling of pressure in my chest but then I changed location and didn't want to start again

-- I'm just having morning coffee
-- In a while I will get on bus and go sit in a quiet place to do therapy thing
-- last Friday, Sat, Sun I was in a "down" phase sort of where I wanted to stop the therapy stuff
-- the therapy does take up my time and I feel like I am wasting the therapists time
-- I've been drifting for a few months not getting a lot done  <----

58

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 11, 2026, 10:47:37 AM »

That sounds very nice Lighter. Good luck with the meese. Have never had a meese infestation though I have seen some wild footage of meese mobs.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on May 10, 2026, 10:33:16 PM »

You so deserve lovely fellowship, Hops.  What an amazing time you had!  Please do drop interesting points, from that interesting memoir, and it's nice to know one's work is appreciated!

What an uplifting post, yay for'ya!

Lighter

60

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by lighter on May 10, 2026, 10:29:21 PM »

I'm baiting rat traps with peanut butter.  Not bc I think we have rats, but bc there are mice, and all traps have, once again, been deployed.

Meeces seem to be mostly on back patio and mechanical room......the traps are set around 2 suspicious holes in the exposed insulation, where drapery tassels have been stolen and stockpiled.

I ripped part of a nail back today.....nutsy heavy king mattress flip..... there's some regret involved.

The yard's clover is lush and happy.....almost everywhere.  Some root rot, but that's been replanted.  Don't put clover in without asking me what NOT to do first, is my advice.

I'm pleasantly exhausted.....oldest DD and bf drove in yesterday morning.  We had a nice dinner out BIL suggested, and covered. We went through photo albums, the kids both on DD's baby grand for a while.....DD played Hans Zimmer's, Davy Jones Theme.  The bf improvised in a style DD recognized.  I did not, but it was heaven.

We watched Practical Magic, sleepy and nestled together with the pug.......a good time was had by all.

Lighter