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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Last post by lighter on January 01, 2026, 09:15:41 PM »Youngest DD and I attended a festival of lights the other night. We expected winter wonderland ish-Santa-Christmas theme, but walked through an extravaganza of many themes....many flowers, bugs, wrapped trees....springtime themes present. I'd say zero Christmas/winter themes.... but then we weren't pristine in covering every inch of a walk expected to take 1 to 1.5 hours. Something could have been tucked in.
I'm still coughing, but not so much. Left ribs don't feel broken anymore. Second Mucinex pill seems to have shaken out residual phlegm.....mostly. I didn't take any other cold meds yesterday. The misery has passed....slept through much of it.
Oldest DD thinks her cold turned into an ear infection. She's chuffed, about brand new iPad, from BF's mother, who received a large bonus.....shared it with the kids. Magnetic pencil.....very fancy.
Truth is ..... I'm glad my potential in-laws are much younger than me. Glad they're competent, family centered people. Glad a full set of loving Grandparents are still present. Glad they have the big family gatherings with big tree, decorations, and wrapped presents...I did at their age too! It's comforting. Truly.
Youngest DD mentioned she'd like to date again. It's been a while. She's a little anxious about my.....traveling. She thinks about when I die....and wants me to stay.....wants to hang on, but it's a fearful thing....makes me want to hold on....back. The good news is.... she's fallen into a happy place at her new job.... she's part of "the dream team.". Her lady boss is a single mum, 5 kids, youngest 17yo with a deadbeat (2nd) baby daddy, who's unemployed and borrows her car. DD is watching....listening ..paying attention....wants boss to "get it together, girliepop, you're part of the dream team!" DD's desire for romance, is constantly balanced by the reality around her.....men typically=toddler behaviors, and often, ruin for smart gals,who might have kept distance, but failed. So few success stories out there. So many friends, acquaintances and family with nightmare situations. Lordy, save us.
In a way, it's like DD's head popped above the clouds..... she appreciates a peaceful (female centered) home, sans raised voices and broken things....fear ....walking on eggshells.....sees the gift, where she used to see.....well..... it's changed through the years, what she missed, mourned, and made peace with. At first, it was Jack Black "tossing her in the air, and not being mean to her."
::heart breaking::.
It became hurtful contact/lack of contact from people who should have been safe, comforting stand ins, for absent father. So painful, but it's about mitigating harm.....had to be about that. I can see it no other way ..... it's so clear, now.
Oldest DD and her bf are overtly ready for me to go......bf would like for pug and youngest DD to leave with me, but with humor. I know this bc youngest joked about going with her sister, when she attends out of State optometry school. BF said "nope." They get along well, but I think he's on high alert, most of the time, monitoring relationships and moods. It's how he was raised, and......so far we aren't nutters. Maybe, if we're together enough, he fears that'll change? I guess everyone likes walking through an empty house in their underwear.
I like this bf.....but remind oldest DD about allowing her NOs be turned to Yes, for temporary comfort. About allowing sour moods to alter her course, in appeasement. It doesn't just steal your peace/freedom.....it steals anything good in a relationship, ime. Is the kiss of death, for any good thing, IME.
Boundaries keep us safe, yes.
Trouble is, I guess I always saw placing and enforcing them as....
struggle, work, acts of war, which is ridiculous.
I want my girls to see it as routine maintenance...
As keeping the water off their fuzzy, adorable gremlin.....and maybe that's the truth. Maybe not.
Sure.....sure ...... it's always the woman's responsibility to control the.....
the what? The EVERYTHING, right?
We choose monsters/toddler boys in man bodies(tbimbs).....allow ourselves to be chosen by monsters/tbimbs.....we end up with a scary childman, endure, struggle, get free.....maybe. God help us if we gift the world with children. And so, youngest DD watches her super nice boss/mother of 5 struggle with her second tbimb. SO obviously not the move.
Doc G and Mud....lovely men. My cousin has a lovely marriage with a lovely adult man....there for her, and their daughters..... granddaughters....SonIL. Without fail. Always....with feminine side and humor in balance.....not ruined by the toxic masculinity culture.....who want to lable him horrible things, but can't bc he's also equally masculine. They're so confused ...have no way of squaring that up in their limited toddler understanding of the world.....women less than. Men better. Men break things, get loud.....ummmm, again, toddlers get loud/break things. Something in their brains has been disconnected.....logic......reason. Its like they're casting a spell on themselves.... pretending women lack logic and reason......creating legends, with them as heroes....women as unlikable and unproductive dependants, to be dismissed, even as they depend on us. I'm working through this, for what comes next, with daughters.
And.....I think some of the toxic men actually believe it's manly to cheat, and make fools of women. THAT is their pov.....for reals. Then they go all wide eyed and finger point at the reactivity they created. Gaslighting. I am SO unwilling to engage in the games. Shocked at the blowback, refusal to engage, creates in men....and some women.
Blech, and I hope women continue to SEE through the veil of tedious misogyny, dressed up as "the norm", by men and women (the ignorant and the intentional.) Dropping the rope......scary, but necessary. Choice restored, but then....those charming mf'ing pigs. The one's who set traps, are good enough, long enough....till commitment is in place. There should be classes taught on THIS
one
predatory
reality. I mean....from a young age.
I wasn't aware.....not in a way I could clarify. My sister could. Always. From early twenties....she knew, and resented it.
My girls have mouths full of the stuff. They KNOW.....things, but have they honed their instincts, and learned to honor them, without fail? It takes mindful practice. Lessons....learning the hard way. There's been a guy full of hard lessons.....so many.
I have family traveling all over the world for holidays.....boating, helicoptering, taking many flights.....airports pretty empty, I'm hearing. Will be relieved, when everyone is back home, safe.
We're out of the flu woods. All over, but the coughing.
Made chabbit for dinner....chick n thighs in the style of red wine rabbit with garlic and oregano. Almost identical in flavor and texture, sans the little bones. Really good.
Lighter
I'm still coughing, but not so much. Left ribs don't feel broken anymore. Second Mucinex pill seems to have shaken out residual phlegm.....mostly. I didn't take any other cold meds yesterday. The misery has passed....slept through much of it.
Oldest DD thinks her cold turned into an ear infection. She's chuffed, about brand new iPad, from BF's mother, who received a large bonus.....shared it with the kids. Magnetic pencil.....very fancy.
Truth is ..... I'm glad my potential in-laws are much younger than me. Glad they're competent, family centered people. Glad a full set of loving Grandparents are still present. Glad they have the big family gatherings with big tree, decorations, and wrapped presents...I did at their age too! It's comforting. Truly.
Youngest DD mentioned she'd like to date again. It's been a while. She's a little anxious about my.....traveling. She thinks about when I die....and wants me to stay.....wants to hang on, but it's a fearful thing....makes me want to hold on....back. The good news is.... she's fallen into a happy place at her new job.... she's part of "the dream team.". Her lady boss is a single mum, 5 kids, youngest 17yo with a deadbeat (2nd) baby daddy, who's unemployed and borrows her car. DD is watching....listening ..paying attention....wants boss to "get it together, girliepop, you're part of the dream team!" DD's desire for romance, is constantly balanced by the reality around her.....men typically=toddler behaviors, and often, ruin for smart gals,who might have kept distance, but failed. So few success stories out there. So many friends, acquaintances and family with nightmare situations. Lordy, save us.
In a way, it's like DD's head popped above the clouds..... she appreciates a peaceful (female centered) home, sans raised voices and broken things....fear ....walking on eggshells.....sees the gift, where she used to see.....well..... it's changed through the years, what she missed, mourned, and made peace with. At first, it was Jack Black "tossing her in the air, and not being mean to her."
::heart breaking::.
It became hurtful contact/lack of contact from people who should have been safe, comforting stand ins, for absent father. So painful, but it's about mitigating harm.....had to be about that. I can see it no other way ..... it's so clear, now.
Oldest DD and her bf are overtly ready for me to go......bf would like for pug and youngest DD to leave with me, but with humor. I know this bc youngest joked about going with her sister, when she attends out of State optometry school. BF said "nope." They get along well, but I think he's on high alert, most of the time, monitoring relationships and moods. It's how he was raised, and......so far we aren't nutters. Maybe, if we're together enough, he fears that'll change? I guess everyone likes walking through an empty house in their underwear.
I like this bf.....but remind oldest DD about allowing her NOs be turned to Yes, for temporary comfort. About allowing sour moods to alter her course, in appeasement. It doesn't just steal your peace/freedom.....it steals anything good in a relationship, ime. Is the kiss of death, for any good thing, IME.
Boundaries keep us safe, yes.
Trouble is, I guess I always saw placing and enforcing them as....
struggle, work, acts of war, which is ridiculous.
I want my girls to see it as routine maintenance...
As keeping the water off their fuzzy, adorable gremlin.....and maybe that's the truth. Maybe not.
Sure.....sure ...... it's always the woman's responsibility to control the.....
the what? The EVERYTHING, right?
We choose monsters/toddler boys in man bodies(tbimbs).....allow ourselves to be chosen by monsters/tbimbs.....we end up with a scary childman, endure, struggle, get free.....maybe. God help us if we gift the world with children. And so, youngest DD watches her super nice boss/mother of 5 struggle with her second tbimb. SO obviously not the move.
Doc G and Mud....lovely men. My cousin has a lovely marriage with a lovely adult man....there for her, and their daughters..... granddaughters....SonIL. Without fail. Always....with feminine side and humor in balance.....not ruined by the toxic masculinity culture.....who want to lable him horrible things, but can't bc he's also equally masculine. They're so confused ...have no way of squaring that up in their limited toddler understanding of the world.....women less than. Men better. Men break things, get loud.....ummmm, again, toddlers get loud/break things. Something in their brains has been disconnected.....logic......reason. Its like they're casting a spell on themselves.... pretending women lack logic and reason......creating legends, with them as heroes....women as unlikable and unproductive dependants, to be dismissed, even as they depend on us. I'm working through this, for what comes next, with daughters.
And.....I think some of the toxic men actually believe it's manly to cheat, and make fools of women. THAT is their pov.....for reals. Then they go all wide eyed and finger point at the reactivity they created. Gaslighting. I am SO unwilling to engage in the games. Shocked at the blowback, refusal to engage, creates in men....and some women.
Blech, and I hope women continue to SEE through the veil of tedious misogyny, dressed up as "the norm", by men and women (the ignorant and the intentional.) Dropping the rope......scary, but necessary. Choice restored, but then....those charming mf'ing pigs. The one's who set traps, are good enough, long enough....till commitment is in place. There should be classes taught on THIS
one
predatory
reality. I mean....from a young age.
I wasn't aware.....not in a way I could clarify. My sister could. Always. From early twenties....she knew, and resented it.
My girls have mouths full of the stuff. They KNOW.....things, but have they honed their instincts, and learned to honor them, without fail? It takes mindful practice. Lessons....learning the hard way. There's been a guy full of hard lessons.....so many.
I have family traveling all over the world for holidays.....boating, helicoptering, taking many flights.....airports pretty empty, I'm hearing. Will be relieved, when everyone is back home, safe.
We're out of the flu woods. All over, but the coughing.
Made chabbit for dinner....chick n thighs in the style of red wine rabbit with garlic and oregano. Almost identical in flavor and texture, sans the little bones. Really good.
Lighter