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51
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:38:10 PM »
- Recently I've been trying to figure out if I have:

- Some kind of frontal lobe activity issue
- ADD
- PTSD
- retardation and I still like this word
- brain structural problem
- underlying severe emotional issues - that I still don't understand
- executive function issue
- learned helplessness
- developmental trauma disorder - hypodopaminergia
- I do have GAD - generalized anxiety disorder
- neurodivergent spectrum thing
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I mean I look at this list and I see why medical professionals say to just try a pill and go away lol.
52
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:31:51 PM »

- From a free book box I picked up "Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One" by Raphaelle Giordano.

It's for middle class, middle age women. It's silly fantasy stuff. I'm not the target audience. I'm allowing myself to read it it's a small book. I'm willing to feed myself a dose of sugar I guess. 
53
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:28:24 PM »

- I only went to that church one time and I felt very guarded. I wonder if I am putting out the uncanny vibe to others.

54
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.
« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:26:03 PM »

Do we fall upon things out of intuition or is it random I don't know.

I was going to write something here about N but I am disinclined to focus on them right now. It's a quiet morning and I don't need to let them fill up my headspace in every way possible.
55
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:23:29 PM »

Cortisol spikes in the morning. It's a time that I sometimes get panic attacks also. And a frequent theme if I do have any insights during that time is a feeling of existential loneliness. I think it's real. I think I was trained my entire life to accept social isolation as quite normal and so now I am left with a problem of how to deal with it or face it when I've pretty much suppressed it as a problem my entire life. The first time I had one of these existential moments of loneliness was a many years ago and I thought it was maybe a passing fluke like a remnant from a dream so I didn't pay too much attention to it besides what do you do anyways.

The loneliness I get is more of an animalistic existential fear of the tiger will eat me type. I don't think it's the type of a person who doesn't know how to be alone with themselves.

I do think it's starting to impact my waking life. Most adults do make decisions I feel like in a way based on - where is their family, where is their friend group, where is their familiar landmark. I am feeling almost 100% liminal. Anyhow I got an errand to do this morning.
56
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 26, 2026, 01:07:54 PM »
The dream?

Something about me going up to a movie ticket booth to get a ticket and the person selling it was someone with a growth on their head like Joseph Merrick but instead of the worker selling me the ticket they insisted that instead I should watch the movie WITH them. I think I just left. Looked like it was the 1920s or 1940s not sure.

I had been thinking of such thing as "soul deformities" as I tend to use blunt-language when I subvocalize thoughts internally to myself.

I suppose the important points of it were:

- I was disgusted with the deformity on the ticket seller's head
- I was repulsed by the ticket seller indirectly trying to force me to do something their way
- It was something meant to be fun but it wasn't fun at all? idk
57
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by lighter on March 25, 2026, 03:56:03 PM »
What was it?  I can't remember mine very long.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 25, 2026, 02:21:34 PM »

Yeah Lighter some dreams are totally disturbing. Had one of those weird ones recently also.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by Meh on March 25, 2026, 02:08:31 PM »

Hi Lighter,

What stands out to me is the first line being blunt "they fuck you up."
Also the line "get out as early as you can"
And then finally the last line of
"don't have any kids yourself"

I understand some people go on to have warm aware families.

I had already imposed voluntary eugenics on myself maybe subconsciously even as I recall one day a very strong thought when I was a teenager that I would definitely NOT continue to do the same cycle.

When I looked this poem up I was reading about what it's like to be around narcissists that just don't interact normally. This poem was the only thing I could find at that moment though I wouldn't say it captures what I was trying to get at.
60
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again
« Last post by lighter on March 25, 2026, 12:57:49 PM »
Meh....that verse brings up a lot of discomfort... just  to read it.

I dreamt my late Dad had Alzheimer's last night, but was otherwise physically ok. (IRL, he'd been wheelchair bound, half his body paralyzed/non verbal, mostly, for 20yr.) It was disturbing, bc he was so gleefully inappropriate, and chatty towards me, as his caretaker, in the scene....which never happened. 

I redirected him, like a child, and talked about cooking with him, and what we'd make.  He'd been a very good cook.  He taught me a lot. Thank God the dream ended happily, bc Mr. Larkin's words feellike a little gut punch to the spinal-soul.

What stands out, for you, in the verse? 

Lighter
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