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51

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 09:00:51 AM »

You see what's there......with wider perspective, boiling l down facts, sans judgement.

It's everything I wish for myself. 

"To see with eyes unclouded by hate."
Prince Ashitaka


Your self compassion shines through.  Maybe, it's the most important piece.

Lighter

 

52

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 08:45:48 AM »

Sounds like it went as well as it could have, Meh. And you're right....there will be problems....COWs....crisis of the week, bc that's life.

What's also life, is you doing your best and trusting yourself to handle it, without fretting and spinning wheels trying to change it. 

Two things about the hearing....
good job keeping things short l, and you're right .....your mother brought this on herself, so your simple truth is now on the record.  She's an alcoholic with mood swings.

She demanded.....you responded, against your will, but she gave you no choice.  It was a simple calculation, Meh.  It appears the Judge understood.

IME, these kinds of expensive humiliations, for the unhinged trouble makers,  are the end of the legal attacks....unless it's costing you more money than it's costing them humiliation.

You don't have to explain more, about it, at work.  It can simply pass, and be done....sounds like your boss was understanding, and kind about it. 

I'm very proud of the way you handled yourself.  Feeling barfy is completely understandable....and normal.

Focus on calming self-care rituals, and work sounds reasonable, as well.

Lighter

53

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 08:26:01 AM »

Youngest DD suggested I "show the drunk how strong my pimp hand is," which lightened the mood.  She's very funny, and validating.

My sister just wants peace, at any cost.  She saw drunk touch my chest....chooses to become confused about it, which is as upsetting as being touched.

At the end of that night, drunk took my sister into separate room, asked her about my situation with my husband. Drunk believed he was talking with me, not sister.  She answered him, as though she was me, which felt like a double transgression.  I wouldn't put up with the foolishness, not an inch, if not for my beloved cousin and her offspring.

It feels like being emotionally kicked in the shins, again and again, with the kickers monitoring my face for reactivity.  Both, are disappointed.  One, bc I react at all.  One, bc I don't react enough.

I will tell you this, about cousin threatening to drop the drunk at home.....
if the DD wasn't there, the drunk would have been unhappily sat in the yard, and left behind.  Not saying it wouldn't have been messy, or loud, or upsetting.  It would have, but I already knew which pressure points I would use, and how his seatbelt would come off......it would have happened before he understood.  It was all I could think about, on the ride. Calculations had been made.

Interesting how three different women think about the same situation. My sister didn't believe the drunk could be removed from the car.  My cousin threatened, only, without effect.

I will say this...... cousin's children are grown, and pretty independent, in college, with SOs......emotionally more stable, now. bc my cousin creates stability in their lives, while their drunk father destabilizes at every turn.

It's difficult to say how destabilizing a showdown. and separation, would be, at this point. Very, I'm thinking, but then.....creation of serenity and safe space might outweigh the chaos, IME.

Hard to say, as always.

Lighter

54

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Hopalong on August 14, 2025, 07:52:03 AM »

I think you did great, Meh!
You worked with yourself to be your own ally, and it sounds like enough of the truth got through to the judge. All fingers and toes crossed for a good outcome.

I understand the stress and hope you'll keep taking care of yourself. You need PHamily, not just relatives. I'm sorry you've been through all this lately.

But glad you come here to talk about it.

hugs
Hops

55

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 14, 2025, 07:22:48 AM »

SIGH.
I know Meh. It's going to be OK.

It is never easy to have to go through these things. I think ya done good! Just breathe, rest, go about your normal life and don't overanalyze or beat yourself up about how you coulda, shoulda said x, y, z. That's just abusing yourself the way your mom wants ya to.

In a few days, after taking care of yourself, THEN you can safely process what you experienced and any results.

56

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Meh on August 14, 2025, 12:03:43 AM »

Got through the court hearing. I went to work for two hours. Left & went to do hearing way early because I was nervous and I was trying to figure out until the last moment how to handle everything was considering asking for continuance because I wasn't able to contact/obtain legal counsel. Then I ended up waiting for probably two hours. I attempted to defend myself by directly addressing what she was saying.
I think the judge ruled in my favor as the judge was lecturing my mother but I feel a bit dazed and under the weather now. And the ruling the judge gave actually didn't sound clear to me at all because legal jargon and mumbling.

Even if I won my case I lost. I lost a few hours of badly needed pay at work and I think I had anxiety overload today.

My mother is so nuts she is doing this to torment.

I was so unprepared but I remembered not to ramble and I stopped myself a couple times and I think the judge could see I was trying not to waste time and ramble etc. I don't think I sounded unhinged but sometimes I talk louder because I feel I have to amplify my voice I hope it didn't seem like I was shouting.

And frankly I only had one main phrase maybe it was nonsensical. But I said something like "I want to make this clear I have never threatened her and I do not have a history of violence." I NEVER TALK LIKE THAT. "I want to make this clear" is not a phrase I ever normally use. I sort of hate that phrase because it comes from political speech even. But it's simple and I had to make one main point 1) I have not threatened anybody 2) I have no history of violence and anybody insinuating that without evidence is just being awful. Meh.

Then my mother tried to say I destroyed property but it was vague and non-specific. I told the judge I didn't know what she was referring to and it ended up being some nonsense from over a decade ago and the judge cut her off.

At one point my relatives more or less admitted they were doing the court thing to torment me and to teach me a lesson.

They just wasted my f'ing time. And I don't feel good and I tried to do this in-between working. I told my boss days ago I had an upcoming court thing and I wasn't sure how the day was going to go. She kept on saying it was find because she has coverage. I ended up leaving work at 10:30 because my nerves were getting to me and I was worried about technology etc. AND I wanted to transition from work-mind to court-mind.

I didn't make a lot of character accusations but I did mention "she is an alcoholic and she has mood swings" that was the most abbreviated way of me being able to say something ain't right here judge and I am dealing with a lot of shit.

I washed my face.

I am making sleepy time tea.

The place I am staying in is like grungy strip mall area.

Now all I have to do is set my phone alarm. Brush teeth, drink tea, drink water and sleep. And hope that water can flush out whatever bad feelings my gut. I woke up at 4:30 am today and kinda sorta went back to sleep. This day just feels like it was an insane effort for nothing but I guess I think I kept my record clean of everything and anything at least for today.

I'm tired am I repeating myself I don't know. uplug the teapot take pants of go horizontal shut eyes just give up on this day... tomorrow will bring new problems that have to be delt with...

too tired to function

tomorrow I might try to get to work early... yeah I think that's a good idea...

I testified under oath that my mother is an alcoholic with mood swings that is the worst I said about her. It's true and that's what she gets for doing this to me. Her crap and flaws on record. There.

57

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Meh on August 13, 2025, 02:29:33 PM »

Feeling barfy today. Have upcoming court crap. Taking an extended lunch off of work to do this.

I have prepared zero defense mainly I guess because I checked out emotionally from this crap. Now I've got two laptops side by side here. My crappy old one and also a loaner.

Quietly panicking 1) wondering if I should ask for a continuance but also 2) I want to get it over with.

I tried to consult with "free legal service but none were available"...

Telling myself they don't expect me to be a lawyer. But also this is emotional procrastination hell. I will be going into a private conference room in a bit here. Half of me feel like this is serious and the other half of me knows this is so much awful BS a in "they can't be serious."

Anyhow I am just venting.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on August 12, 2025, 07:24:49 PM »

Ay, yi yi, Lighter.

One really does need to examine who we're willing to hang out with, its tacit acceptance.

No need for moralisms or looking down noses. But maybe ask, what is rubbing against this climate (or being rubbed against, ewwww) -- doing for my growth and serenity?

Ay yi yi.

I'm sure you'll process it all but wish you didn't find yourself in situations which demand it. You deserve to be around values and behaviors that uphold you.

hugs
Hops [edited two words that sounded too judgmental on re-reading]

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 12, 2025, 09:30:20 AM »

B and I agree, that scenes like that can be fun - BUT - it's no longer fun when people lose self-control and inhibitions about doing, saying anything. Like some kind of free pass to blather anything in their heads no matter who they upset or offend. Worse is the person who revisits the SAME MONOTONOUS TIRADE of blather EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. and it seems they intentionally seek that "point of no return" just to give the same speech again.

I feel sorry for people who want to publicly stew in their own self-percepted agony over & over again. And it's not fun.

60

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 11, 2025, 08:45:13 PM »

Last night in Ohio, and the my cousin's son's screamer band's slot got switched to the last slot (10:30pm) from second slot (7:30pm.)

That means we're not staying at the laundry mat/bar to see them, that's what that means.  We're whipped.  Whipped emotionally, from all the socializing, and running on a huge Mexican late lunch.

My sister is sitting at the bar with our cousin's alcoholic husband.  He's been pretty well behaved this trip....barring touching my left boob with his beer bottle a minute ago.....he was offering me a swig, to be fair. My cousin disappeared.... assuming she's hyperventilating, in a dark corner, of which there are many.  She does so many things for everyone.  She does everything for too many. 

We're searching for goat meat.  Will stop at a farm and fill a cooler.

Up.....found my cousin, and she's ready to go.  Me too....buuuuut there's 4 beers on the bar now....all full.  One's a huge Poo abst Blue Ribbon, which I remember my crew cut dad drinking when mowing the yard.

It is not nostalgic.  It's too many bubbles in an already full stomach and I'm done and standing by the door.....belching for my life.

The bands have a merch table set up.....one of the sales people is wearing a
Cannibal Corpse wife beater, cut off shorts and fishnet stockings with hightops, and a ball cap.

I'm not judging.  In my day, it was much crazier attire than that.

Cousin's husband is talking about a particular woman's camel toe.....cousin disgusted.  I changed the subject to buying local potato chips, for goodness sakes.

This dear sweet drunken mysoginist knows he's not ok....and he suffers....all the time. He's defending his use of the N word now.  We're threatening to take him home.....not to eat lasagna at family dinner.

He's become belligerent......Cousin threatening to hav him out away.   My sister talked him off the cliff..... I'm not able to stop swearing in my seat.  He just touched my knee.