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71

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by Twoapenny on November 16, 2024, 08:02:44 AM »

I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on.  It's that thing of never being enough.

Me too, Tupp. Oh, me too.

hugs
Hops

It's silly and tiring, isn't it?  I'm trying to catch myself; my normal thought is "I should have washed these dishes earlier" but I'm trying to switch to "I'm washing the dishes now" and it meaning nothing, because it doesn't and no-one gives a tiny crap when the dishes get washed, me included!  Lol

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by Twoapenny on November 16, 2024, 08:00:49 AM »

Thank you, lovely ones   Lol, I think craft wise I'm making photo albums and scrapbooks my winter project.  I've boxes of photos and bits and pieces that I never get round to sorting out and putting into albums so I'm going to work on that, more family history stuff (fascinating that you can find everything online; there's a photo online of the house my dad was born in and, if I've got all the dates right, the pub at the end of the road that would have been where my grandad went to wet the baby's head!) and I'm quite of a mind to do more natural craft stuff from twigs, leaves, berries and moss - fairy gardens and Christmas wreaths, that sort of thing.  I'm not great with knitting or crochet, I don't seem to be able to get the hang of it, but I find hand sewing relaxing so that's another good one (although I need a light the size of a football pitch because I can't see lol).

I can't quite explain this but it makes sense to me so I'll give it a go; I'm finding lots of memories of myself at various stages in childhood and they are all sad, lonely children that no-one cares about.  I feel like I'm carrying all of them and I feel like it's those parts of myself that respond so strongly to people being nice to me and then me being desperate to please those people, whilst also ultimately being rejected by them when the time comes that I say no and they leave.  I'm doing cord cutting meditations; I've kind of made my own up now but basically gathering together one or more of these sad little ones, explaining that I love and care for them, but that I can't carry them anymore and I need help.  I pass them on to an angel, who takes them all away to this lovely sort of children's field run by angels, where all the children get the love and attention they need and deserve.  I know it sounds a bit bonkers but it seems to be helping.  It's making me feel quite tired, and quite sad at times, but at the same time it also feels like I'm moving toward being able to respond to what's going on in my life as an adult, instead of as an abandoned and neglected child.  I nearly called a friend today (one who usually moans a lot) because the silence was getting to me a bit but then I thought, who wants this contact?  And it's not middle aged Tupp who's sick of people moaning and has plenty to be getting on with and who actually quite likes the peace and quiet, it's little five year old Tupp who doesn't get hugs or kisses, or have anyone to read her a story at night and tuck her into bed.  The little one is desperate for attention and affection, the middle aged one would rather get the housework done and then read.  The meditations are helping, they seem to be shifting things out of the way and leaving more of what's useful now in its place.  All sounds a bit mad, I know, but it seems to be helping so I'm going with it for now x

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by Hopalong on November 15, 2024, 08:20:20 PM »

I do constantly notice and focus on what I haven't done, what I ought to do, things I'd like to be different and so on.  It's that thing of never being enough.

Me too, Tupp. Oh, me too.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on November 15, 2024, 03:55:10 PM »

Lighter,
Have you tried any of these? I'd imagine resourceful you already has, but just in case....

https://www.webmd.com/brain/home-remedies-vertigo

I had it done once for vertigo in an ENT's office and was amazed how instantly it worked. It jogs loose calcium crystal deposits in the inner ear that are then resorbed. The doc and nurse held me and then tilted me very rapidly.
If I'd done it alone I'd probably have hit the floor, but you know your body. Maybe a DD could assist.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by Hopalong on November 15, 2024, 03:50:47 PM »

YEA!!!!!!

So very close to: Gosh, what do you think you're going to do?

So tickled to read this, Tupp. Letting your friend find her inner adult. I hear you also braving yourself for some loneliness given winter bearing down. I love Lighter's idea of handwork. In my town, there are happy groups of knitters or whateverers who have stitch-and-bitch or knitting/crocheting/whatevering circles. They just enjoy the human comfort of sitting together, teaching/helping, a little yak (less likely to be intense issues, more just companionable chat). Friendships can gradually grow.

Sounds like a safe and peaceful way to find some companionship. Wonder if there's anything like that where you live.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on November 15, 2024, 12:34:13 PM »

I'm curious if next session helps the vertigo situation, for sure, Tupp.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by lighter on November 15, 2024, 12:31:27 PM »

The guests are ok with the spider, but unhappy upstairs heat not working.  I thought I just paid $1,500.00 to fix that, but alas ...... problem persists and is beyond my complete comprehension just now.

I called my brother and he walked lady guests through reset if thermostat communication......I prefer old tashion thermostats!!!!!! For Pete's sake.  No more fancy whistles, bells or electronics for me, please!!!

The island cottage needs 2 new exterior framed doors....looking for solid hardwood.  Brother working on it.  Always something, but most things seem small at the moment.

FEMA was picking up curbside trees this morning with huge dump trucks and metal claws. Perspective restored, for now.

I did pay DD22's friend 100.00 to vacuum and do some dusting....DD22 pitched in here and there for a few hours the first day of cleaning. 

I can pay maids $350 to make the floors sticky and dust, but that adds to my workload and frustrates me.....dust just moved around and floors have to be rinsed. No thanks. I'm spot clean with alcohol and keep moving.

All in all, it's walking meditation when my head's right.

I slept and repaired after.  Had a lovely day with DD22 yesterday.....went shopping first r planned healthy meals, cooked, watched Ratatouille in the background....almost perfect, but for the lake furnace phone calls.

December is trip to Island will be working AND relaxation with the girls.  I have to calm my firefighter part, look up from paint, bleach and projects to engage joyful activities I never allowed myself to have before. DD22 esp desires downtime and fun activities with me. 

I'm noticing my firefighter part pops up  particularly when I'm reminded of my imperfect parenting during "the dark years ".

I yearn to go back and fix, but work to accept and be present now....work to allow DD22 to notice her stuff and feel responsible, instead of my feeling it, kwim?

I'm focusing on noticing choices and mindfully choosing instead of doing doing doing, in a nutshell.  Again.😶‍🌫️

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by lighter on November 15, 2024, 12:07:55 PM »

Well done, Tupp.  You noticed your friend's urgency leading to your firefighter part reacting. 

Turns out, you have the choice to stop, choose a response and change that default, YES!

That's the stuff! 

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Developing A Personality

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 15, 2024, 09:31:13 AM »

You seem pretty crafty, Tupp. Have you thought about learning knitting or crochet? Maybe needlepoint or cross-stitch? It's a traditional way to use time - quietly - during the winter months and to create some Christmas presents, as well. (Advice: don't start out with a whole sweater! LOL. Try something simpler instead; that won't take so long to complete and as you build on "successes"... then try something more complex.)

BTW - there are lots of resources in Scotland for this kind of hobby which introduces you to new people who tend toward the introvert side of being, until they're talking about their projects.

One year, I made 14 flannel shirts for Christmas gifts. (many years ago!)

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 15, 2024, 09:21:45 AM »

Still no luck finding a housekeeper or two to take that "between rentals" load off you Lighter? It seems like you don't have any just plain down time anymore, between the island property, the lake house & the girls.

That would make me a freakin' wreck!! And not from the physical work, but from trying to keep it all straight in my head (and on my calendar). I would try to find something I could delegate to someone else so I could have a spa day (or mental health day, aka a "nothing day") for my self.