Recent Posts

51

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on June 20, 2025, 08:10:16 PM »

Sorry about your knee, Hops.  The pug is always under foot, somehow managing to escape injury....mostly, though I feel she sometimes tries to end me.  Heal up.  Don't overdo while injured, if you can help it.

DD never opened the letter.  I'm impressed by her focus, and refusal to be yanked off center.  It's...... something I identify as.....well.  Sort of self protection, but not.
More......like..... she's removed from it ...far away from feeling obligated to give her time or attention to something harmful.  She doesn't doubt her circumstances....she doesn't feel conflicted about it.

  It is what it is, and she has two tests coming up, a bf she still adores.....a life to plan and live.  Friends. 

I think she's escaped the habit of overthinking, is what I think.  Good for her.  A blessing, imo. 

About little dogs and breeding and sleeping on feet.  Fascinating. And odd.  How did people think of these things, AND then manage to breed those kinds of things into DNA? 

We laugh about our pug coming from wolves...... can't find a drop of predator in her appearance, but must be there.

I'll mention the Return To Sender option.  Never occurred to me.

Lighter

52

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on June 20, 2025, 03:53:44 PM »

VERY wise lessons, Lighter.
Thank you.

You're right. Pining for reciprocal care and interest may not be rational. I'm letttttingggg go of fantasy. Dropping the rope.

I'll ponder stating some needs. Maybe. If she shows openness, wants to Zoom again, then I'd see an opportunity to state what I need/prefer (big diff) in a healing friendship. If she avoids....I'll let her do so. She's in charge of what she CAN do, and vice versa.

That helped. All of it.

thanks again,
Hops

53

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on June 20, 2025, 03:26:39 PM »

I don't know, Hops.

One wouldn't have to be a robot, necessarily, while sitting in emotional awareness, sans reactivity.

It might just be observation, sans fear, guilt,  or shame.....I think.

Not sure, but, for me, dependence on a relationship seems to be a jumping off point for fear, IME.  Once I shift out of need, into wanting...... everything flips.

Same with needing to be seen a certain way, or not needing.

I understand everyone has important things, about who they are in the world......
if I neeeeeed others to see me that way
vs
understand they're free to hold whatever opinions they like...... I'm still me.  I'll be ok, no matter what they think AND if they're insisting something contrary, to my truth, is real........
there's a motive.  Something about me and my stuff is rubbing up against their stuff, and I don't have to fix it, change it or otherwise alter their belief.

Lately, when I drop the rope, they do a huge change and drop into normal behavior patterns.

Maybe, I'm saying you don't have to be anything, with the Poet, but authentically yourself. 

It's the neeeeding Poet to SEE your truth..... that's creating upset....maybe?

I dropped the rope, with my Army Ranger friend today.  I've done it several times in the last month.  I remain u bothered, and he figures stuff out, or not.  I'm always shocked when he figures stuff out, but the more I drop the rope, the more he comes'round to rational conclusions BUT only when I can release expectations.....so it seems.

You can extend compassion to your Poet friend.
She can remain your friend.
What she may not be able to do is extend reciprocity and the kind of vulnerability required for big growth.

If you accept her, as she is, then she's just a friend with limits and flaws your mindfully willing/unwilling to spend time with.

It's unrealistic expectations giving us the vapors, IME.  Rarely is it someone's repeated bad treatment of us.

What we allow, and don't allow, is up to us.  Not them, IME.

Telling the Poet you require some reciprocity.....is an option.  Requesting and requiring a bare minimum of decent behavior is an option.
Enforcing boundaries, you've set, with immediate delivery of stated consequences is an option.

 Allowing her to remain willfully ignorant, while ignoring your stated needs, is an option.

I wonder, if she'd feel ok, with your being treated, like she treats you, by someone else?

I bet she'd say you deserve better......UF she's not mired in shame and defense mechanisms.

The question is.....
do you need her to be anything, other than what she is, now?

I'm trying to internalize this, Hops......not telling you what to do, or believe.  Just sharing my lessons.

Lighter

54

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on June 20, 2025, 12:09:17 PM »

Yikes. Hope DD will use the timeworn RETURN TO SENDER when she's able.

Sorry about the knee owie!

Pup took me down a few days back. Sharing his excitement on his return from patrolling the property, dashed in all happy, blasted around a corner where I was standing and jumped at my leg (I'm a terrible trainer), hit the side of my knee and down I went. No horrid pain, but I'm still limping.

Meanwhile, he's become more cuddlesome and affectionate than ever in recent months. I learned something amazing I'm obsessed with, maybe already posted about it. Shih Tzus were bred in the 16th century for a very specific purpose: warming emperors' cold feet. They drill under bedclothes to the foot of the bed and lie directly over your feet. I had no idea a behavior that specific (and odd) could be genetically programmed.

Pup literally battles to get back onto my feet after I shove him off. It's kinda uncomfortable, 15 pounds of sand, etc. But his drive to be in that position blows my mind.

I've started to think that probably 90% of what we are and what we do is genetic.

hugs
Hops

55

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on June 20, 2025, 12:02:21 PM »

Probably not realistic for me to expect to have zero dump when someone I'm close to lashes out. That'd be a robot. But I am learning to process more quickly and be on my own side.

I've been feeling some sad-spurts at her silence but also, que sera, sera. I understand she can't/won't deal with it by connecting sincerely, so I'd rather be at peace without the playacting. In her few recent emails she keeps instructing me: "keep caring about me" but also drops the thread of reciprocity and I believe, doesn't think that perhaps I need support and caring too.

It'll be weird to see her at the poetry workshop next week.

All in all, though, all is well.

hugs
Hops

56

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on June 20, 2025, 09:31:45 AM »

Well, DD24 just texted a pic of another Grandma J letter.  This one sent to her apartment, which felt stalkerish to her, as her roommate is the only name on the lease.  I guess info could be had from the University....staff?  Voting records?  I'm not worried.  God knows, the girls are old enough to fend for themselves, should they have to.....but it's a reminder.  I should go ahead and pull together court records, applicable to real facts vs the delirium.

The girls have seen, or heard, or experienced the truth, through the years. They KNOW, but sometimes unhinged people start to sound credible, for lack of shame, IME.

It's the lack of shame.....that confounds me, in so many current situations.

The pug has vomited up her breakfast.
Twice.
She's laying on my chest, currently....and I thought I saw a little gray Hitler mustache......
it's just a little residual foam.

57

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on June 19, 2025, 09:30:30 PM »

Wouldn't it be amazing to feel zero emotional dump when, those we love, lash out, attack and struggle?

I'm picturing calm and wise Bran Stark's character, from Game of Thrones.

Lighter

58

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Adventures in renovations... again

« Last post by lighter on June 18, 2025, 05:44:57 PM »

Robert helper man is done at my job, but it's ants to work with Biggie, full time, again.  Not happening, according to Biggie.  The guy has no driver's license. 

The tile, now that I've unpacked 200sf of the stuff, is really duck egg blue.  Too much gray and green to be anything else.  I'm taking a moment, to have a beer, and celebrate it for a moment.
::swooning::.
It's magic, for me.  Frosted.  Just very yummy.

Biggie and I picked up the shower components today.  The tile place was completely under water during the hurricane. They're just emptying their tile warehouse, as of yesterday.  Everything is 1.99 SF.....and covered in mud.  I found little black penny tiles.....Matt finish. Just right, but tasted of sadness and ruin.  They have 2 prices ....
Regular and flood.

59

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Adventures in renovations... again

« Last post by lighter on June 17, 2025, 10:32:59 AM »

Biggie had me join him in the poison gas chamber, to point out shower plumbing NOT inside the wall.  Will pick up supplies and address that tomorrow.

I now have a headache, and no, they're not wearing respirators, but seem to be getting along fine.

The last disagreement, I understood, was around the tiny blind they removed, and I wasn't saving .....
Biggie: "It's metal."
Robert: "It's plastic."
Biggie: "It's metal ."
Robert: "It's plastic."

Me, thinking ....."Throw it in the damn trailer and keep moving, for Pete's sake."

60

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on June 17, 2025, 10:26:52 AM »

Had a good chat with DD24 this morning.

She helped me move two huge fabric framed pieces of art out of way, in garage.  We talked about Cows, reactions and having choice vs responding.

Noticing choice or not noticing choice.

Choosing to react, but mindfully choosing it, vs not being aware.

For the most part, she agreed with everything. 

I will say, the discussion came from a place of huge compassion, for me, after watching me struggle, for a while, on my own, ending in a folded mattress breaking the leg on an antique folding file cabinet table filled with assorted beads, bows, costumes and bobbles.....what a mess.

Much was learned, discussed and I asked for help, received it and agreed to ask for help proactively in future.

I honestly thought I could handle the mattress.  Not clearing my path, first, was a problem.


I just stepped on a bit of fabric, from that event, and went down on my left knee, landing in a pile of bits.  Not injured, but must stop, clear some things up, then think through the rest of this transition.....moving sewing machine, costumes and supplies to other end of house, while living in the space.