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« Last post by Twoapenny on November 18, 2024, 02:45:43 AM »
The now bit is difficult; we're all used to that hypervigilence and trying to side step the next potential show down and get in front of the next thing that might cause a problem. It's very deeply ingrained and hard to ignore. I find it hard to focus on just one thing, when so much else comes up constantly. It's hard to ignore everything else that needs doing.
I'm finding some of the letting go hard. I know there are people I won't see again now, because I'm not going to make the effort and I know they won't either. I know some will be unpleasant about me to other people because of it. I know I'm not going to have any kind of resolution with my mum before she passes. I've known that for a long time but it still feels difficult to accept. I know the future for myself and my son is bleak if I don't find a way to make a decent living and find a community/family to look after him when I die. That is a huge weight upon me and I find it hard to focus on washing dishes when there's a mountain that size to climb. I spoke to someone yesterday who has frequent financial calamities, because she doesn't plan and overspends, and usually I give her all sorts of suggestions for managing money better, none of which she takes any notice of. Yesterday I didn't, I just said oh, it's difficult isn't it, and started talking about something else. And whilst I was pleased I did it, I also feel a sense of not knowing who's going to replace Little Miss Fix It Tupp, because I don't feel I've got anything else to offer and I find that difficult sometimes.
But at the same time I feel like it's now or never. I either carry on doing what I've always done and I end my days alone, unfulfilled and empty. Or I really try, try to weather how unpleasant it all feels and do it despite the worry of 'what if there's nothing else there' and maybe at the end at least I'll know I tried, even if nothing ever comes of it.
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