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61
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad
« Last post by Hopalong on August 11, 2025, 03:35:00 PM »
Thanks for asking, Lighter.

These days, the way I feel about her is a little exasperated, a little sad, but a lot less needy (on my end). There are lonely times when I feel a wish for the old best-friend responsiveness. I do still have attachment to (dependency on, though now diluted) her that I'm gradually unraveling. The more I do let go, the better I feel.

It surprises me how deep it went for me. Long history of fear of women and hurt from women (mostly when young) left its web fragments in me. Even though my biggest delights now are because of the gift of women friends, the old fear can still stir.

But since the meltdown I've realized how much of her empathy feels like performance, so I imagine her consolation and then realize it's not very solid. On the other hand, I don't want to overreact and distrust whatever's genuine in it. She had such miserable experiences that I'm not willing to judge her for how she learned to cope.

I'm mostly disappointed in myself, for floating along on feelings ever since we met, and not bringing my critical thinking along. Then again, no point in judging myself either. It's all coping.

hugs
Hops
62
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad
« Last post by lighter on August 11, 2025, 09:31:40 AM »
How's the energy, around Poet friend, these days, Hops?

Lighter
63
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Last post by lighter on August 10, 2025, 03:39:05 AM »
SIBs/BIL, and I are at the out of State cousin's wedding......at a brewery....with a hotel.... restaurant and outdoor venue site/dog Park.

I'm going through photos, yawning, as I go through the day in my head, from reception set up, to chasing children, to making peace with my ridiculous spray tan and months of poor food choices.....oh well.  It wasn't exactly ok, but it's ok.

Cousins are lovely.  The children are too. 

I'm trying to relax into your pov, Hops.  Not surrendering.....but embracing life, as it is.  It helped yesterday. A lot.

The contractor is flying through wiring/insulating the shed.  He'll need some answers, on Monday, about flooring and beadboard plywood on walls and ceiling.

We're staying with cousins for a few days.  I'm traveling to Canada, with sister, afterwards.  The renovation will be in contractor's hands ....kids will have to step up.

Embracing life, Hops.

Lighter
64
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 09, 2025, 07:52:54 AM »
In Hol's case, she got used to acting and responding in a very fast-paced environment. Doing things any other way invoked a judgement of laziness or not caring or worse. She even turns that on herself.

Accepting that there are other ways of "doing a thing" that are just as wise and responsible is the new stuff. Accepting that, is big for now. She'll get used to it. Lessons learned the hard way, usually stick. it will be interesting to see how this one manifests in her daily being.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 09, 2025, 07:38:01 AM »
Nope - the neighbors wouldn't be much help. Either incapable themselves (oldsters or handicapped or not home). We have a rural hospital in the same network as the one "over the mountain". But that requires a turnaround to head the opposite direction and one can wait 15 mins for traffic to clear on the highway. I'm not kidding about "boonies".

Predisone daily for the Knucks. And he's now tested monthly, for the exact dosage of a hormone shot needed. He's definitely feeling better.

I don't see building as stressful. I enjoy projects; seeing a visualization come to life; figuring out how I'll use it. This addition has more than one purpose - it will also provide an airlock/mudroom downstairs and block one of the places the wind seeps in from a drafty corner (despite tube(s) of caulking inside & out) especially in the winter. Working with a contractor doesn't HAVE to be stressful... and so far, I've only tried two - the original one, that we pretty saw eye to eye on things... and someone new - that I will have to ride herd on.

Stress for me, usually involves other people and their emotional quandarys. Gotta go make Knucks breakfast bowl.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Last post by Hopalong on August 08, 2025, 02:28:15 PM »
I am a human slug so can't relate directly, but do feel that surrendering to change, including in one's own capacities as we age, isn't loss but embrace of life.

I have small examples, and big ones, that at first sadden and then more simply re-orient me. Most physical, others in my attitude.

Life ain't for us to fight with to the death. Death will come anyway, but we'll enjoy the trip more if we become more like a stream. Flow around things that might bruise us like rocks do. Also ask ourselves what we're running from when we're running too fast.

hugs
Hops
67
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by Hopalong on August 08, 2025, 02:24:15 PM »
Yeesh. I'm so sorry about Hol's wakeup call, except for the potential positives you've pointed out. Whew.

Made me think of two things:
1) Neighbors. Maybe tearing up a driveway with "Please drive me to the ER" was worth a try? I don't know how close she came but what a horrible scare.

2) What's happening to rural hospitals. https://petebuttigieg.substack.com/p/meet-a-rural-doctor-already-seeing

And poor Knuckles. My D has no functioning adrenal glands due to Addison't disease, and take oral steroids, big doses, to stay alive. Is this true for dogs too?

hugs despite horrors,
Hops

PS Are you at all concerned about the stress of addition-adding? Thought of an outside elevator? Or does it all feel like an engaging, interesting project? I worry...but must consider that for me, there's adrenalin over tidying up.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread
« Last post by lighter on August 08, 2025, 07:26:04 AM »
My recent foot injury, and Hol's skirmish with yellow jackets, reminds me how stubborn learned patterns are.  How satisfying it is to DO what feeeeels right and good, esp when it's how one navigated most of a lifetime. 

I believe Hol's recent experience will raise her awareness, as my yj encounters raised mine. 

The fallen tile should have crushed my foot, but instead feels like the universe slapping me around......
"Be 4X more alert/cautious/protective, even if you're giving up coping strategies, that saved you, most of your life....
LET THEM GO NOW!!!"

Slowing down.....
being cautious, doesn't tickle'me brain, nope nope nope, but....
 the alternative costs too much.  I admit it.

Changing habits, giving up ways of being requires a period of mourning..... it's a small death, every one, whether giving up food groups, learning to stop and notice or change one's roll...... it's a surrendering.

Surrendering feels like a loss to the enemy, IME.

In this case, the struggle is with acceptance, IME.  I suspect, most struggles, deep down, are.

Lighter
69
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 07, 2025, 09:40:55 AM »
Yeah, I considered the stairwell. Had the consultant look at it too, as a backup option - and he agreed the addition would be a better solution. The footprint required for elevator is bigger than 3x4 ft.and would impact use of the front door and steps. It's even more awkward downstairs.

LOL... nope; my mom would've been the worst person to call in any kind of crisis. She would literally fall apart & not be able to think, or act - just freeze up. Holly tried to call me, coz she was terrified; knew what was happening and knew she had to act fast. Just needed validation of her choice/judgement. I tend to get right down to "what I KNOW beyond a reasonable doubt"- which was, I was driving when she called; I wouldn't make it back in time to drive her - and I have confidence in her driving ability when under extreme stress. Yeah, it's still a big risk - and I couldn't judge how severe her reaction was or how quickly it would escalate - even if she calmed down over the phone.

That experience, following so close to Knuckles' issues has gotten thru her constant pushing to constantly "get things done" motivation. She's just a bit more "zen" and laid back and has found it easier to "let things go". She admits it was a huge "hint" from the universe about making some changes. We'll see how long it moderates her
X-games level approach to everything.
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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by lighter on August 06, 2025, 08:16:14 AM »
Amber, my daughters phone me when they're overwhelmed with a bloated tick in the pug's ear.....squealing and requiring emotional support, like younger beings.

I never, really, felt that way about crisis in my life.  Never thought "Call Mom/Dad!"  I did call my father, for directions, before cell phones and GPS.

I wouldn't, likely have, called mom, if it did occur to me.

Did you call your mother, or think of calling her, during moments of crisis in your life?  I suspect her betrayal of you, when you were very young, had an impact?

Lighter
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