Recent Posts

61

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on May 03, 2026, 01:06:31 PM »

I just wrote a poem about seeing the northern lights from a field in the south. With religious stuff, or beyond-religious stuff. Felt good. Still working at it.

Breaking off with Poet seems to have freed up some writing channel. Good thing. It's unusual for me to write two in a week. The other one was about words themselves.

Confrontation with kitchen is overdue. It's right bad, y'all. But I will be visiting D, my friend with glioblastoma this afternoon; perspective is everything. Last week I drove a man my age who'd had a stroke and is living on his own, walking like a fragile tortoise. I liked him, but so far I like nearly all of them. As does Pup!

Beautiful day here, despite the drought.

hugs all,
Hops

62

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 03, 2026, 01:00:53 PM »

Well, why not look at the fear that something bad will happen. Statistically, in general, I think a case could be made that it's just as possible something good will happen. I'd say it's almost 50-50 chance.

Why do you think you're singled out for just bad things? Bad things happen to ALL of us, at times. But it's usually not a life or death situation. It's usually just a problem that needs solved. You aren't helpless - we all know you're smart, have agency and can do.

If, in your pondering of this, you can pick out 3 things that inordinately make you afraid... how about thinking of a list of solutions or ways to protect yourself? Bet you can think of a lot of ways.

63

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on May 03, 2026, 01:00:28 PM »

Thanks, y'all. Bday was peaceful, and sweet in the afternoon when neighbor brought me lovely irises and a bottle of wine. What a yak that was.

I'm sad for Hol but glad if it's the right change for her about C. Don't know what the toxicity was but it sure does happen. Too often, to too many.

Happy B's getting new pain relief and fascinated by his massive turtle-pace move. It's a happy thought that y'all have persevered with belonging together through all of these obstacles. There's got to be something deep going on, or being created.

Bird Nerd and I will be in friend zone for a good while or maybe forever, but I do enjoy his company so far. Not enough info yet and slowwwwww is my mantra. Anything rushed or whoopdedooey is a red flag for me.

One back-of-mind concern is his EXTREME introversion. I was babbling away over a brew and he was just nodding, smiling, listening. His ex is alcoholic and a painful subject for him. He has two grown daughters who're functioning well, sounds like.

Nothing to worry about. I'm very leery of any mantanglement right now, but still enjoying the contrast.

hugs
Hops

64

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by lighter on May 02, 2026, 11:58:06 PM »

We're having the most amazing weather, Meh. 

The sky....clouds....breeze.  Heck, it hailed after a rat a tat rainfall, then the sky went pink.  What an amazing sunset.....chirping bats.....golden light hitting green trees, and newly planted hosta.

Lighter

65

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 02, 2026, 09:17:57 PM »

I guess the fear of being alone to be more specific is the fear of being unsafe that something bad will happen.

It's not really the fear of being alone with oneself is it? No I don't have a problem with my own company.

66

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 02, 2026, 09:13:01 PM »

I had another therapy appointment and I want to journal about it as I feel something in the background edges of my mind that I'm having a hard time sticking my finger into. Fleeting vague thoughts like shadows.

It's related to my decision making problems, plan problems, anticipatory anxiety stuff.

I'm really not doing enough to make my life more stable. I've been very stressed about even the idea of what city to live in.

I keep telling myself that I will get stuck at a job I hate and a rental I hate. But I need to work around this. I do think there is just partially related to it the thing of belongingness and being tired of feeling like I haven't carved out a life where I belong. Because I think the whole like existential fear of being alone is related to it.

And maybe it's somewhat fear of abandonment I don't even know anymore. I have to be careful not to analysis paralysis.
 

67

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 02, 2026, 09:06:46 PM »

Yeah Skeptical

It's the places people hang out. Different places different types of behaviors.

I'm seeing more people obviously on drugs also. Flailing about like those wind-puppets in front of car dealers.

It's because I'm no longer in my safe bubble of my car and nice neighborhood. Oh well. I have to keep coping with it.

68

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 02, 2026, 08:41:35 AM »

I guess that behavior could be narcissism Meh. There seems to be an epidemic of people who feel entitled to force their inner dialogues and emotions and maladjusted behaviors on anyone around them. Inconsideration? Need for attention? I dunno. I call it "cheese sliding off their cracker" syndrome. I suggest carefully backing away quietly from all that! LOL. There is a reason I'm a hermit.

As for the reality of modern life in any agency or public-facing business... it's a wonder anything at all happens in a reasonable manner. Ham-handed, broad stroke AI phone bots that don't adjust to the often unique individual needs of a real human being (coz they ain't programmed to - just keep repeating representative or push zero to speak to a real human)... and people who don't know which end of a broom to use or how to sweep. It's an expectation for me at this point, that I'm going to encounter this kind of entropy or incompetence.

Maybe it will get better someday; but it doesn't give me warm fuzzies about the future of mankind.

69

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by sKePTiKal on May 02, 2026, 08:25:18 AM »

Happy 39 Hops!!  hee hee

Hol is in the transition from having a committed relationship (no official permissions) with C - to realizing his pattern in the relationship is pretty set in stone - and toxic. She is intellectually exploring the possibility of being alone and still having a full and interesting life. A LOT of energy going into that pondering. She is ALMOST able to take back her power and decide to do what's best for her - relationship be damned. But she got some mowing done yesterday - as well as refining some earthmoving projects & filling potholes. There's still a few other outdoor jobs, but she might need me on the bobcat while she's in the backhoe. She is planting more garden this year and working on her landscaping situation.

B's surgery is May 22. We have to get some preliminary tests done next week for that. And he has a pump fill on Tuesday. Wave to him around noon today Hops, as he makes the long run up 81. He'll be here this afternoon sometime. There is this quiet thrill of excitement at the prospect of being able to hug him again... he's doing pretty good and we're settling comfortably into the shared experience with only a few awkward corners... sharp edges. But then we've been at this for years now - and started from the (mostly) friend zone with the recognition we both needed some assistance and the other had those skills. The affection has grown organically over time. We make each other laugh. Just being ourselves. That just rubs salt in Hol's wounds.

I'm making a decided effort on finishing my moving in purge. I STILL have piles of Michael accumulated stuff. I may not need to buy food saver bags or aluminum foil for the rest of my life!! Oh - and battery storage boxes. Some the batteries I cleaned out of the console were 10+ years old. Some corroded; some just dead. I understand why he wanted a stock of them but I no longer need that many. Some prep inventory, yes. But it shouldn't take up huge amounts of space, IMO. I shouldn't have to wonder where "that" is when I need it.

My eyes have mostly settled down now. I very seldon notice floaters anymore. Still some light sensitivity that brings them on. Sunglasses are my friend. But bright LED lights are also hard.

I think this B trip is going to be a little short; he has a VA appt in June - if they don't cancel it again. And I think he's close to finishing up in SC. Which would suit me fine. We could plan to do some more fun things.

70

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on May 01, 2026, 07:17:36 PM »

Listen, Meh.

Really pay attention to what new friends tells you

Notice if they're interested in your stories.....dies it feel reciprocal?

If they're attracted to you, it's ok.  You can put boundaries in place, and see what happens hey do with them. Your NO is a serious boundary, and trying to change it tells a story....this person doesn't and likely never will honor you and your needs.

Just information, Meh.  Not a huge problem, or something you created. 

Just people being people, but this time.....
this time you're sitting in nonjudgmental awareness.  Seeing what's there.....
and, most importantly, you're discerning.

Let this be an excerise in what you're feeling, and prioritizing THAT.
::nod::.

In the meantime......enjoy the outdoors, the coffee, and what fellowship is there.  Accept what's real. 

Lighter

Right, yes just people being people.

Fellowship.

And enjoy the outdoors. Yes.