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61

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 01, 2025, 10:58:28 AM »

Lighter, I think I'd used glue - then grout.

Sigh. Strange week; my first eye surgery is next Thursday. S'posedly, the lift is on it's way - and we still don't have the hole made in the deck yet. The company isn't good at communicating. Rain & wind, and places to be got in the way. B is being way overprotective. Part of me wants to let him, at least a bit. And part of me resists; I'll be able to do a lot of things myself. Going to review section 1 of the Tai Chi form, to boost my propriception some.

Hol and Doc, get that I'm doing all the conscious work about just chilling out about the surgery, while at the same time - other less conscious, instinctive parts of me are still freaking out. It shows up in dreams and a sneaky dread/worry that I'll do something silly like have a coughing fit during surgery. I'm catching up with housework and planning for a calm recovery week; second eye should be easier. B knows I'll resist him being "hovering" too. But I'm planning to be pretty sluggy the first day or two. No stairs.

Still having some issues with the board. Tried to post a reply to Meh the other day, that didn't go. And can't get the site loaded sometimes, in the earlier morning. Fingers crossed - this one goes.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by sKePTiKal on October 30, 2025, 11:43:24 AM »

Best thing about those kinds of jobs is you usually have plenty of time to think. Trying to have at one authentic person to person interaction with each customer. Sounds like you need a job with more variety or challenge. Your boss sounds like a good one. Maybe talk to her about future possibilities?

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by Hopalong on October 29, 2025, 11:34:44 AM »

Really good to hear your voice, Meh!

I'm glad, so glad, you took a sick day and I think mental health is about taking care of yourself. Recognizing your deep fatigue and granting yourself an extra day of rest sounds sane and responsible to me.

Sorry the job is so unfulfilling, and I like the idea of passive endurance. Sometimes that's what gets us through.

You sound clear. Making choices. Accepting gravity.

I think the endurance it takes for many, many people to keep on going is something like learning to float. Floating on the surf of it. The surface. So a tedious, underpaid job doesn't suck you all the way under.

Maybe passive endurance is just a survival instinct. There's real dignity in it, is all I know.

hugs
Hops

64

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Play Hookey

« Last post by Meh on October 28, 2025, 11:22:12 PM »

Well after many months of showing up and being dependable at my job I called in sick today. I was not sick. But I have about a weeks worth of sick time built up and if there is one thing I have learned from all my previous jobs 1) use that time up because one very well may see it just go poof 2) coworkers might feel the burden when you are not at work and that could be good or bad. 3) My boss leaves work early all the time and is doing personal stuff during the day all the time and so are my coworkers... and my coworkers call in sick a lot. I needed to shrug off the feeling of burden and responsibility because I am NOT making a living wage and I don't own the business. Lots of times I work through my breaks and I am covering for my coworkers while they goof off and hang out. If only I could just journal at work or something. My boss when she fills in for us her underlings says how brain dead she is at the end of the day because it's detailed work with non stop interruptions. WAS IT an act of agency to call in sick I don't know.

I got very little done today. I sort of had a personal emergency. I still got very little done.

I came across an idea somehow of PASSIVE ENDURANCE. Frankly I think this meshes in with the idea of depression and yet I've NEVER heard anybody talk about passive endurance. Reminds me of mules. Domesticated beasts just stuck doing people's shit.

The job is a service job that focuses on people and it's very busy and you know meant to be one of those multi tasking things which I do not excel at.

So that is it. I've named this real problem of passive endurance. Can't slap the label resilient on that. Because it's not really resilient it doesn't feel resilient. I think I am too tired to have any more thoughts about it. Oh the other thought is how it is so easy to go off track and totally forget the big picture. My job isn't just part of my life... everything I am doing is revolving around the job AND that IS a problem. It's also logistical issues of why this is the case.

I didn't want to call in sick but some part of me just had to be like you know what I don't have to. I don't have to try to be perfect. Look I don't take my job for granted but I get like too wound up in stuff. It's pathetic. But I'm dependent on a job. Money is all there is in life. I don't have a career and I think this must contribute to this passive endurance thing. Doing grunt work that takes up a lot of time but nobody wants to do it. It's not quite the same as being skilled. My boss says how exhausting it is to be fake nice. I feel like I should tell her how exhausting it is to be fake nice, fake rich, fake okay. I mean I'm not fake rich I just always feel judged like one of the directors/owners looked at me up and down with my stupid thrift store jcrew blouse on and all I could think was "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE" my hair is not flat. It's not. I have frizzy fucking hair and yeah I am tired of having a job where you have to look good. I want a job where I can look like crap because you know what a lot of people look like crap. I guess I applied for the wrong job though it's not like I can be that picky. I got some fake gold earrings that look like round disc gold nugget things. Kind of cheap and slightly tacky looking. Not sure why I am reflecting upon my fakeness. Probably has more to do with how I am really feeling not okay in my personal life but I don't know what to do about it.

I'm rambling aimlessly.

Maybe if I just see my time at work AS two blocks of four hours. Maybe if I just see it as they are paying me for my time and they are paying me to do certain tasks but some of it's NOT written. I've habitually almost taken on more than I have to perhaps.

Then there is some kind of weird nepotism going on but eh what do I care.

My stupid job is not supposed to take over my entire life. That doesn't happen to other people they just don't care that much.

Maybe I should take my cellphone to my work station like my coworkers do. There is nothing happening on my cellphone it barely works but if I could just kind of hunch over and tune my coworkers out while also doing less than I normally do then I would be doing exactly what they do. But there is nothing I want to do on my phone. I'm not a phone person. I don't know.

The point is I have to stop passively enduring everything forever.

There is no point. I can see that if I leave this job my coworkers probably won't have anything positive to say about me.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on October 28, 2025, 02:07:35 PM »

See you after Scaryween!

Meanwhile, happy you have so much fun with it.



hugs
Hops

66

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on October 26, 2025, 09:49:07 AM »

Slow morning....drinking Gui Zhi Tang tea and gobbling Andrographis Complex herbal supplements every 15 minutes/first 2 hours, then one an hour rest of the day......
::cough cough::.
I'm feeling a bit of ick, in'me lungs. Cousins arrive Thursday, and there's a haunted garage, to arrange, and decorate.

Got lots of cool ideas from the Haunted Farm last night.  I don't think the fake fog, water splashes/mists, or pipes in LARGE yucky smells helped my lung situation , btw ..but it was glorious!

Had to be rebuilt, after Helene. Now there's tops and bottoms of lumber, yard log offcuts, channeling people into and out of areas.  Think 20'tall Viking builds SO cool. Such a magnificent idea!  I'm in jealous I never thought of it!!!

More and better everything...about 45 minutes of scares and chills.  Three scary guys wielding chainsaws this year, with a bonus 4th, perfectly appointed Leatherface, wielding a fourth, later on.

A headless horseman , on a real horse! 

Great monsters, as always.

This was first year I didn't drive or go first.  These tits are tired.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island

« Last post by lighter on October 26, 2025, 09:33:48 AM »

My experience is..... cartilage lasts IF my skeleton is aligned and not wearing out cartilage.  There was, however, a little pain at the inside of my right knee....while going up stairs.  A visit to my Sam, Sam the needle man magic man fixed that.  Not sure what it was.....felt like a ligament.  I had ACL replaced in that knee 20some odd years ago   .  It's as strong, or stronger, than the left knee.

I also believe, carrying heavy weight keeps'me bones strong, like bear.  How can it not sustain some muscle mass? 

I'm counting on it!

::Hoping your French Country entry piece is everything you want it to be, Amber::.

The last IKEA boxes, I opened, held two glass cases....so many wrong ways to build a mouse trap, IME.  Why's it so difficult to read directions FIRST?

Anyone see South Park's Humancentipad episode? So dang funny.....worth the time, lol.

Lighter

 

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on October 26, 2025, 09:20:35 AM »

Ahhh, Amber.  Currently I learn all the differences between using ways unsanded grout and sanded....
on mosaic tiles....
with tiny half dots....
that keep coming loose.

I plan to grout the entire bathroom today.  Yesterday I finished the wall and flooring beneath the vanity....so we could get it in place, before storms beginning tomorrow.

I'm glad you're feeling optimistic about you ur eyesight. I was half blind, and didn't realize it.....just rubbed and rubbed my left eye, thinking my view was obstructed, not gone.  Everything is better, post op.  Just needed to let my poor brain adjust, and Bob's your uncle; )

Lighter

69

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on October 25, 2025, 11:48:15 AM »

To-dos. Trying not to make a to-do of To-Dos.

hugs
Hops

70

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on October 25, 2025, 10:24:49 AM »

He's been really sweet through all this. And a lot more caring than some other. He lets me babble all my thoughts; puts up with my frazzles and talks me down again. He knows.

Hol's been a bit too wrapped up in her own stuff to show up. She does care & offers to do things to spare me crap & tedious or heavy work. But she's holding down her own fort too. Is OK. Cody got back from a work/family trip so I haven't seen much of her the last couple days.

I know I probably won't have perfect vision after all this, without glasses - but I'll take what I can get. When I was still tiny, Gramma always asked me to thread her needles for her. I can still thread my sewing machine - but a lot of it depends on the color of the thread. High contrast is easier to see right now. And I did get 2/3's the way through assembling a new console for the front door entrance. Lighter - 'coz of some wild hair, I went with French Country!! But it's solid wood, which is unusual in flat pack furniture. A whole day spent on the floor, bent in weird positions that rival alien insane yoga. The temp glasses are pretty helpful.

Things are ok here. What are youse guys doing this autumn?