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61

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 05:02:06 PM »

Date Registered:August 06, 2009, 07:33:21 PM


Been talking about the same shit forever.
Tomorrow same shit.
Next week same shit.
Next Month same shit.
Next decade another decade of same shit.

This is the natural structure of my life.

I'm totally not going to try to fix or change anything at all.

62

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 03:42:52 PM »

"Negative egocentrism [is] characterized by a negative and pessimistic conversational style, talking about one’s problems, and displaying a general disinterest in others' contributions to the interaction."

63

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:44:02 PM »

1- worked at fruit market (I didn't like one of the managers) (owner liked me)
2 - worked at cafe (I wasn't liked)
3 - worked at drop ship gift company (was seasonal)
4 - worked at a front desk (was a temp job)
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit (some people liked me some people didn't)
7 - worked in admin (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule same as above
10 - research position (co-workers liked me manager neutral)
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk (one particular older female coworker didn't like me)
12 - worked as cashier (I didn't like standing on my legs for so long)
13 - worked at call center about 5 years (company was large enough that it was easy to hide at my desk for 5 years)
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less (didn't fit in with coworkers playing pokemon at work etc)
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I've had a lot of jobs where I either didn't like the situation or I was quite unliked.

The job that was most tolerable to me was the one where there was just so many people it was easy to disappear and get good work reviews. It wasn't that I was liked it was that I was tolerated and I just minded my own business. There was also no way to fake productivity at that job.
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Not only am I tired of the general instability and low pay of jobs. I'm tired of having to deal with work dynamics and also I am bad at socializing anyways.

64

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:17:21 PM »

1- worked at fruit market
2 - worked at cafe
3 - worked at drop ship gift company
4 - worked at a front desk
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit
7 - worked in admin
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule
10 - research position
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk
12 - worked as cashier
13 - worked at call center about 5 years
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less
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You can see I have no career it's been a series of crap admin jobs with no skills.
Probably some temping stuff in there I don't remember.

Oh I worked at Pikes Place Market for a few weeks. Also stupid joke of a job.
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These are not good jobs. I think rent has doubled in ten years or so. I don't want to complain about it I'm just trying to gauge my apathy and burn out.

I'm not lazy I'm de-energized. I am tired of all the instability on multiple levels.

65

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 01:03:39 PM »

3. Chronological Grief & "Disenfranchised Loss"
The Key Researcher: Dr. Pauline Boss and Critical Trauma Studies.

The Core Idea: They look at the structural reality of missing out on decades of life. Boss coined the term "Ambiguous Loss," which applies heavily here.

The Breakdown: Because this loss lacks a funeral or a tangible physical marker, it is a form of disenfranchised grief—grief the medical system and society do not recognize. The intersection of Disability Studies and Trauma Studies (such as the work of Daniel R. Morrison and Monica J. Casper) directly addresses how socio-medical responses completely fail survivors by treating trauma as a temporary event rather than an ongoing, invisible developmental disability.

66

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 12:55:28 PM »

2. Neurobiology of Neglect & The "Freeze" State
The Key Researchers: Dr. Martin Teicher (Harvard Medical School) and Dr. Stephen Porges.

The Core Idea: They prove that emotional neglect is a physical, visible brain injury. Teicher’s neurological imaging shows that severe childhood neglect leads to the literal underdevelopment of the corpus callosum (the bridge connecting the left and right brain) and the pathways that regulate social behavior.

When the environment is constantly unsafe or neglectful, the nervous system drops into a permanent "Freeze" collapse state. In this state, the biological wiring required for social engagement is physically turned off by the brain to conserve energy. You do not want to socialize because your biology reads people as inherent threats, not rewards.

67

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 22, 2026, 12:37:57 PM »

AI Summary of info looked up:

1. The Theory of Structural Dissociation
The Key Researchers: Onno van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele.

The Core Idea: They explicitly address the "forced personality role" you brought up. Their work shows that chronic childhood trauma and neglect literally split the developing personality.

The Breakdown: They identify that a survivor splits into an Apparently Normal Part (ANP)—the cold, flat, polite, functioning adult shell that goes to work and handles mechanics—and an Emotional Part (EP), which holds the hidden, frozen terror, rage, and shame of the childhood years. They argue that this isn't a "feeling," but a structural alteration of the brain and personality architecture designed purely to ensure physical survival at the cost of actual life.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 21, 2026, 08:07:58 PM »

I'm still slowly reading through this adult children of emotionally immature parents book. Likely what I had seen years ago was adult children of alcoholics booklet similar but smaller.

At first I didn't want to read the little stories in here. Now that I am reading it every single page is relevant to me.

AND Also it becomes pretty obvious that I too am likely very emotionally immature. I don't think in the EXACT same way my parents do but similar-ish. Bad habits!

Something in this book I notice is that it says EIP usually often want to be the center of attention. I find that in-person I get uncomfortable sometimes when people focus on me too much but this I think is also part of the emotional immaturity thing.

69

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 21, 2026, 06:21:33 PM »

Matching the shopping list to meal planning is an art. I'm still practicing!

It sounds like you are doing a great job of planning it out. And yes I agree for really hot days the no oven or no cook options are nice to have.

70

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 21, 2026, 04:07:43 PM »

- went to church
- late but I am dragging today
- sat in back and I read a self help book
- the guest minister guy said something something "father, son, brothers" something something
- yes I am thinking how it's not "mother, daughter, sisters"
- It's not emotional feminist freak out to calmly notice this AND
- and the guy talks in a loud voice but with a fake cry quiver also and my brain registers it as weird
(ape males use loud vocalizations as a dominance signal) that is what i am thinking as I sit there
- afterwards I talk to a very nice very old couple I never met before and they make me laugh
- I just go to church because I like the building I like the idea of a place to worship
- I just go to church to talk to people I enjoy it
- I enjoy laughing and that is why I was there this morning
- am not trying to redeem my soul
- I don't view Christ as the savior or whatever
- Mathematically according to the sermon this makes me the anti-christ
- I mean look they are essentially saying everybody who is not Christian is this antichrist thing
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
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Also found a pagan event to go to locally it's far off timewise
If I am available I will try it.
Shall I try to give a sermon to the pagans and tell them non-pagans are the vile Anti-pagans
nope pagans don't do that
and yes I am too old for paganism
oh well