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61

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 14, 2025, 03:24:08 PM »

Yep; there should be consequences for his behavior - and being drunk isn't a get out of jail free card.
ESPECIALLY at someone's wedding, the gents should've ganged up on him and shut him down after the first incident.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 12:43:23 PM »

About the wedding reception....
the drunk put his hands on female staff, was cut off at the bar, somehow was naked, answering his door, in front of staff, represented his wife as his "sister," while hitting on female staff.

All this inappropriate touching, sans consequence.  Makes me feel......confused.  Women NOT rocking the boat.....
so the bride could have her best wedding reception? 

I mean ......do creepy drunks go to jail for touching women....like that?  Do they go to jail for being drunk in public? 

Holding drunken creeps accountable is so rare in my world .....I don't know what it looks like, and it's important my daughters see and understand it.  I don't want it to be just a rumor, in their lives.  I want it to be an absolute fact in their lives.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 12:34:39 PM »

Therapist practicing 10 minutes of mindfulness every hour.

Sounded good, but I in realize.....it was beyond my power to practice 6weeks ago.  It might be beyond my power today.  At least it occurs to me.  I can try.

Two mini splits were delivered today.  Contractor refused delivery on one. Beadboard going in right now.

Will get clean, and go outside.  The black bobtailed squirrel looks like a hopping bunny, till climbing a tree....I want to see him hop again....
and just now, we have a crisis within the extended family.  Saw it coming.  Surprised it's happening now, though.

I'm really curious if I can squeeze 10 minutes of mindfulness practice, out of each hour, now.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 12:25:10 PM »

Therapist practicing 10 minutes of mindfulness every hour.

Sounded good, but I in realize.....it was beyond my power to practice 6weeks ago.  It might be beyond my power today, but occurs to me.  I can try.

Will get clean, and go outside.  The black bobtailed squirrel looks like a hopping bunny, till climbing a tree....I want to see him hop again....and just now, we have a crisis within the extended family.  Saw it coming.  Surprised it's happening now, though.

I'm really curious if I can squeeze 10 minutes of mindfulness practice, out of each hour, now.

Lighter

65

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 09:00:51 AM »

You see what's there......with wider perspective, boiling l down facts, sans judgement.

It's everything I wish for myself. 

"To see with eyes unclouded by hate."
Prince Ashitaka


Your self compassion shines through.  Maybe, it's the most important piece.

Lighter

 

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 08:45:48 AM »

Sounds like it went as well as it could have, Meh. And you're right....there will be problems....COWs....crisis of the week, bc that's life.

What's also life, is you doing your best and trusting yourself to handle it, without fretting and spinning wheels trying to change it. 

Two things about the hearing....
good job keeping things short l, and you're right .....your mother brought this on herself, so your simple truth is now on the record.  She's an alcoholic with mood swings.

She demanded.....you responded, against your will, but she gave you no choice.  It was a simple calculation, Meh.  It appears the Judge understood.

IME, these kinds of expensive humiliations, for the unhinged trouble makers,  are the end of the legal attacks....unless it's costing you more money than it's costing them humiliation.

You don't have to explain more, about it, at work.  It can simply pass, and be done....sounds like your boss was understanding, and kind about it. 

I'm very proud of the way you handled yourself.  Feeling barfy is completely understandable....and normal.

Focus on calming self-care rituals, and work sounds reasonable, as well.

Lighter

67

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on August 14, 2025, 08:26:01 AM »

Youngest DD suggested I "show the drunk how strong my pimp hand is," which lightened the mood.  She's very funny, and validating.

My sister just wants peace, at any cost.  She saw drunk touch my chest....chooses to become confused about it, which is as upsetting as being touched.

At the end of that night, drunk took my sister into separate room, asked her about my situation with my husband. Drunk believed he was talking with me, not sister.  She answered him, as though she was me, which felt like a double transgression.  I wouldn't put up with the foolishness, not an inch, if not for my beloved cousin and her offspring.

It feels like being emotionally kicked in the shins, again and again, with the kickers monitoring my face for reactivity.  Both, are disappointed.  One, bc I react at all.  One, bc I don't react enough.

I will tell you this, about cousin threatening to drop the drunk at home.....
if the DD wasn't there, the drunk would have been unhappily sat in the yard, and left behind.  Not saying it wouldn't have been messy, or loud, or upsetting.  It would have, but I already knew which pressure points I would use, and how his seatbelt would come off......it would have happened before he understood.  It was all I could think about, on the ride. Calculations had been made.

Interesting how three different women think about the same situation. My sister didn't believe the drunk could be removed from the car.  My cousin threatened, only, without effect.

I will say this...... cousin's children are grown, and pretty independent, in college, with SOs......emotionally more stable, now. bc my cousin creates stability in their lives, while their drunk father destabilizes at every turn.

It's difficult to say how destabilizing a showdown. and separation, would be, at this point. Very, I'm thinking, but then.....creation of serenity and safe space might outweigh the chaos, IME.

Hard to say, as always.

Lighter

68

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Hopalong on August 14, 2025, 07:52:03 AM »

I think you did great, Meh!
You worked with yourself to be your own ally, and it sounds like enough of the truth got through to the judge. All fingers and toes crossed for a good outcome.

I understand the stress and hope you'll keep taking care of yourself. You need PHamily, not just relatives. I'm sorry you've been through all this lately.

But glad you come here to talk about it.

hugs
Hops

69

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by sKePTiKal on August 14, 2025, 07:22:48 AM »

SIGH.
I know Meh. It's going to be OK.

It is never easy to have to go through these things. I think ya done good! Just breathe, rest, go about your normal life and don't overanalyze or beat yourself up about how you coulda, shoulda said x, y, z. That's just abusing yourself the way your mom wants ya to.

In a few days, after taking care of yourself, THEN you can safely process what you experienced and any results.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Nothing much really

« Last post by Meh on August 14, 2025, 12:03:43 AM »

Got through the court hearing. I went to work for two hours. Left & went to do hearing way early because I was nervous and I was trying to figure out until the last moment how to handle everything was considering asking for continuance because I wasn't able to contact/obtain legal counsel. Then I ended up waiting for probably two hours. I attempted to defend myself by directly addressing what she was saying.
I think the judge ruled in my favor as the judge was lecturing my mother but I feel a bit dazed and under the weather now. And the ruling the judge gave actually didn't sound clear to me at all because legal jargon and mumbling.

Even if I won my case I lost. I lost a few hours of badly needed pay at work and I think I had anxiety overload today.

My mother is so nuts she is doing this to torment.

I was so unprepared but I remembered not to ramble and I stopped myself a couple times and I think the judge could see I was trying not to waste time and ramble etc. I don't think I sounded unhinged but sometimes I talk louder because I feel I have to amplify my voice I hope it didn't seem like I was shouting.

And frankly I only had one main phrase maybe it was nonsensical. But I said something like "I want to make this clear I have never threatened her and I do not have a history of violence." I NEVER TALK LIKE THAT. "I want to make this clear" is not a phrase I ever normally use. I sort of hate that phrase because it comes from political speech even. But it's simple and I had to make one main point 1) I have not threatened anybody 2) I have no history of violence and anybody insinuating that without evidence is just being awful. Meh.

Then my mother tried to say I destroyed property but it was vague and non-specific. I told the judge I didn't know what she was referring to and it ended up being some nonsense from over a decade ago and the judge cut her off.

At one point my relatives more or less admitted they were doing the court thing to torment me and to teach me a lesson.

They just wasted my f'ing time. And I don't feel good and I tried to do this in-between working. I told my boss days ago I had an upcoming court thing and I wasn't sure how the day was going to go. She kept on saying it was find because she has coverage. I ended up leaving work at 10:30 because my nerves were getting to me and I was worried about technology etc. AND I wanted to transition from work-mind to court-mind.

I didn't make a lot of character accusations but I did mention "she is an alcoholic and she has mood swings" that was the most abbreviated way of me being able to say something ain't right here judge and I am dealing with a lot of shit.

I washed my face.

I am making sleepy time tea.

The place I am staying in is like grungy strip mall area.

Now all I have to do is set my phone alarm. Brush teeth, drink tea, drink water and sleep. And hope that water can flush out whatever bad feelings my gut. I woke up at 4:30 am today and kinda sorta went back to sleep. This day just feels like it was an insane effort for nothing but I guess I think I kept my record clean of everything and anything at least for today.

I'm tired am I repeating myself I don't know. uplug the teapot take pants of go horizontal shut eyes just give up on this day... tomorrow will bring new problems that have to be delt with...

too tired to function

tomorrow I might try to get to work early... yeah I think that's a good idea...

I testified under oath that my mother is an alcoholic with mood swings that is the worst I said about her. It's true and that's what she gets for doing this to me. Her crap and flaws on record. There.