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61

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 04, 2026, 02:20:37 AM »

Today I managed to go get an xray of my foot. It's not interesting really. I've had something going on with that foot since high school basically when I was trying to do martial arts class some dude punched my foot. It never healed right. Then I got a second injury to that foot. It creates a type of chronic low level pain that I ignore.

Thing is I had fantasy hopes of being able to hike more this summer. So far it's not really happening. In any case I have insurance at the moment and I had the time so I thought I should go. It's not a big thing and I am sort of wondering like do I deserve to care about a small thing. In any case I got that done today and it ended up being easier than I expected once I got past the unhelpful receptionist who said "I had to wait" and all that so I asked her "do you happen to know what the wait time is? She called the dept and they said 10-20 minutes. I guess I am an old lady and I have to manage people. I have to ask "Am I checked in?"  They say "no you are not"  And then I have to say "can you check me in" blah blah blah whatever.

Apparently lead aprons are outdated now and they don't use them anymore - see I'm getting old.

I feel like I didn't do much today and yet I feel MORE MOTIVATED when I get stuff done. It breaks my inertia.

Still slowly reading this book the adult children of emotionally immature parents. I'm under-lining stuff. I've torn the book apart into segments because I didn't want to haul around a whole book smashed into my purse. It looks so destroyed now. The previous owner can know I've gotten every ounce and page and word of usefulness out of this book though. Thank bezelbum for second-hand self help books.

It's night time. I poured a beer. Apart from the lekking males in their loud cars and the fireworks out the window it's sort of peaceful. Maybe I will go to sleep around midnight. Whatever it's a holiday.   

62

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 02, 2026, 11:03:33 PM »

Introverts need that quality to be understood and respected, I agree.

For me, because I live alone without supportive family in my life, being alone too much seems to contribute to or worsen underlying depression. Even though I gravitate to spending my time alone.

I think if I had a partner or family member nearby to watch fireflies with, I would not participate in as many social things. But I don't, and have learned the hard way that if I go without sufficient human interaction, my mental health slides.

It's annoying, often, that choosing which things to invest my time in, feels so like WORK. But if I trudge on and "feel the fear and do it anyway" -- an adequate level of social interaction does in time lift my mood.

Everybody's threshold for just enough, or too much, varies. Ain't no harm in experiementing to find out what level works best for the individual.

Amber, I admire that you've done a deep dive into your own nature for years, and still have love in your life, and select friendships, and family connection too. I remember when you were overwhelmed by Hol's demands, and how skillfully you use assertiveness plus analysis to claim your own oxygen.

OT: I've started to think that part of the reason I let the house's condition collapse this spring was that I was unconsciously building a wall, behind which I was rebalancing. Sure has helped that I now have BN in my life. That friendship is thawing me. I still haven't invited him over and he's put exactly zero pressure on me.

hugs
Hops

There are introverts who can socialize but they decide not to.

Then there are the insecure, unskilled, fearful types who hide out and they also get labeled introverted.

Thing is if someone is or isn't an introvert at the same time social skills have value.

Also I think people are tribal animals and it's unhealthy to be fearfulverted. It's immature to be fearfulverted. Because you see in the case of fearfulvertedness one is not making a choice so much as following the path of least resistance.

It feels like a segment of my brain just fell asleep I took an allergy med. Okay so what am I saying. idk

Spending time alone was forced on me in childhood so I don't know what my "true" nature is. I always defaulted to what was easiest and doing nothing about it was easiest and explaining it away was easiest and lying to myself was easiest.

I'm just surprised that so many people make friends effortlessly.

63

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 02, 2026, 10:52:58 PM »

I've always resisted the social pressure "to be social"; it's just another "should" applied to everyone when "one size doesn't fit all". Apparently, inclusivity doesn't accept that some people are introverted and that some of us are more introverted than others. Who sez I have to like everyone as well?

I really can't stand being "encouraged" cajoled or pressured into social activities when all I want to do is sit on my front porch and wait for the hummingbirds to visit... and chat with B, as things occur to us - not just fill the space with noise. About nothing in particular.

But that's me. I know a lot of people enjoy social stuff; Hol is one of those. She will just wither up and get bitter if she doesn't go places & hang with people. I CAN have fun in groups - but not on a frequent or regular basis. And generally, I'm selective about the people in the group. I just don't care or have opinions about stuff most people talk about. So I'm a wallflower. Looking for a real one on one conversation about the universal themes of humanity or their personal observations/thoughts about things.

And at my age - why CAN'T I just be left alone to have peace & quiet and do just as like?

Sorry Hippy; this is all about me. But your experience pinged a complicated chord over here in me.

I'm just trying new things out to see what happens.

I don't have a front porch, hummingbirds or a "B" or a "Hol" -- so that is why I end up at this thing because it seems to be the only thing going on that I can get to and doesn't cost me fees as a consumer consuming something.

Of course yes anybody with a porch, birds, and "abbreviated names" has no reason to make a 1) commute 2) interact with strangers who have nothing better to do and nowhere better to go.

Oh well maybe I need to just embrace my own dreg-ness.

If i do it enough perhaps I will desensitize myself like a horse that walks in car traffic.

64

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on July 02, 2026, 09:59:52 AM »

Introverts need that quality to be understood and respected, I agree.

For me, because I live alone without supportive family in my life, being alone too much seems to contribute to or worsen underlying depression. Even though I gravitate to spending my time alone.

I think if I had a partner or family member nearby to watch fireflies with, I would not participate in as many social things. But I don't, and have learned the hard way that if I go without sufficient human interaction, my mental health slides.

It's annoying, often, that choosing which things to invest my time in, feels so like WORK. But if I trudge on and "feel the fear and do it anyway" -- an adequate level of social interaction does in time lift my mood.

Everybody's threshold for just enough, or too much, varies. Ain't no harm in experiementing to find out what level works best for the individual.

Amber, I admire that you've done a deep dive into your own nature for years, and still have love in your life, and select friendships, and family connection too. I remember when you were overwhelmed by Hol's demands, and how skillfully you use assertiveness plus analysis to claim your own oxygen.

OT: I've started to think that part of the reason I let the house's condition collapse this spring was that I was unconsciously building a wall, behind which I was rebalancing. Sure has helped that I now have BN in my life. That friendship is thawing me. I still haven't invited him over and he's put exactly zero pressure on me.

hugs
Hops

65

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by sKePTiKal on July 02, 2026, 07:12:46 AM »

I've always resisted the social pressure "to be social"; it's just another "should" applied to everyone when "one size doesn't fit all". Apparently, inclusivity doesn't accept that some people are introverted and that some of us are more introverted than others. Who sez I have to like everyone as well?

I really can't stand being "encouraged" cajoled or pressured into social activities when all I want to do is sit on my front porch and wait for the hummingbirds to visit... and chat with B, as things occur to us - not just fill the space with noise. About nothing in particular.

But that's me. I know a lot of people enjoy social stuff; Hol is one of those. She will just wither up and get bitter if she doesn't go places & hang with people. I CAN have fun in groups - but not on a frequent or regular basis. And generally, I'm selective about the people in the group. I just don't care or have opinions about stuff most people talk about. So I'm a wallflower. Looking for a real one on one conversation about the universal themes of humanity or their personal observations/thoughts about things.

And at my age - why CAN'T I just be left alone to have peace & quiet and do just as like?

Sorry Hippy; this is all about me. But your experience pinged a complicated chord over here in me.

66

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 02, 2026, 01:06:50 AM »

Went out this evening and was running late because I had to eat and bad timing etc. It was a little art get-together thing. It's the second time I have gone to it and it feels like the dregs including me I suppose. Yes I am being "judgemental" though it's a real observation.

There was nobody sitting across from me at first & they had fewer rando supplies this time. Eventually same woman shows up again. On one hand it's nice that this is the same person that showed up before on the other hand she stressed me out again being around her strange frantic energy. And as I am sitting there even though I have GAD I am thinking wow so I guess I am the calm one here. The lady to my direct left who I had been talking to earlier says to the frantic woman that she seemed really "stressed" directly to her and the comment seems like a bird that flew right past her.

At some point I am hoping I can't get a disease if she accidentally spits in my eye. (I know weird though but hey it's the public and the dregs)

I'm glad that I am not the only person who noticed this woman's strange frantic energy. She wouldn't stop talking and she seemed to not make any progress on her project while being constantly frustrated and undecided about how to make the thing that was her idea to make. She asked me for reassurance and I said "only you have the vision in your head I have no idea." I guess I am not helpful but I am sort of liking my not helpful self these days.

In the end I was glad I showed up about 40 minutes late.

I talked to four new people that I hadn't talked to the previous time.

This thing, these people, this event, it can not be my chosen family. Fact is the two people that talked about family there already have one and are not needing friends as far as I can tell.

Oh well. At least I went out that was sort of the point.

Everybody who has pretty good social skills they don't think about it and they just have a life somehow.

Then there is whatever this social event is.

I would rather be doing something else. Whatever my evening was sort of wasted.

67

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on July 01, 2026, 03:44:15 PM »

Wrote a response. Website or internet did not save it.

Had written that I think I disagree and why etc.

68

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Hopalong on June 30, 2026, 04:53:29 PM »

Hippy,
Imo, there's no such thing as "immature" feelings (another way to criticize yourself). They are just feelings that every human experiences, a lot or a little, at different times and in different situations in life.

Identifying what a feeling is, is valuable. Judging it, less so, imo.

I also respect your recognition of the "emotional labor" component in any relationship, and how you need/want to keep it more balanced. Big bravo!

hugs
Hops

69

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 30, 2026, 12:30:33 AM »

Hops, I felt some twitchy nerves of drama inside me related to the ex-friend. I had an internal battle with myself over it.

It's just that I've gotten so old and I think I don't take friendship for granted anymore.

I had immature feelings. I had disappointment. I had some shock. I asked myself am I over-reacting.

The choices seemed to be
- keep going act like everything is okay
- be mad and tell her
- say nothing and fizzle
- be medium chill if I have to

I think the acting like everything is okay is not okay right now. Being mad at her is pointless. I think the not responding say nothing and fizzle and medium chill if I have to is the way to go.

Not being mad at her and trying to tell her my thoughts or feelings would be too much emotional labor on my part. At some point she will realize she only has two friends she hasn't seen since her college years and maybe they text a couple times a year. Not my problem. I feel like friends really have to make effort once in a while. And I also should make some effort. 

70

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Anything again

« Last post by Dirty Hippy on June 30, 2026, 12:22:06 AM »

Well yes Hops I suppose gentle self-talking is a good thing.

I'm always frustrated with myself I suppose.