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71
My cousin left her husband, just after her niece's wedding.  The husband doesn't know where she is, and their 20yo DD had to give up neutrality yesterday. 

She was taking her dad's calls, and visiting him at their home, but he's unstable and lashing out in every direction, trying to get cousin back in the house.  Only the dad is still residing in the home, btw.

It's weird.....
it feels like..... the dad is cannibalizing their children. In hopes cousin will appear....and remove him from his dinner.

For instance.....cousin had their DD at urgent care....asthma.....the sticky kind.... oxygen stuck at 88..... wouldn't go above....gave steroids and antibiotics.  While in that appointment, the dad calls....DD is socialized to not upset dad. She takes his call.... doctor and mom in room....DD asks if she can phone dad back.

Dad now knows she's at urgent care. With the doctor.... struggling to breathe....on speakerphone, but insists he must make the (sadly not unexpected) announcement.... he's cancelled dd's car insurance.
 Because that's what you do when you're trying to get control of your wife back.  You leverage the children.  Of course you do.

The son, who hasn't been socialized to make everyone feel better all the time, won't take his father's calls or visit him.  He received a text informing him insurance cancelled....and it's really awful.  "Hey, buddy....hey Jackie....all super sweet language, like he's addressing a young child.  Actually made me feel ill, reading it.

Later, the DD ends up in stepped down ICU, where DD removed her father from her emergency contact list and announced she no longer feels safe to visit her father, bc she fears he'll do something to her, to get back at the mom.

Up to that point, she'd been Sweden.... refusing to understand her mom's choice to go no contact/in hiding....unwilling to judge her father, or cut him off. 

It's interesting, the drunk dad liked to get DD drunk with him.  The DD received so little care from him.....that felt like love to her. He actually asked DD to call her  mum and report he'd given up drinking....
while holding a beer in his hand.

He knew shis wife would know he still drank....so why try to coax her back to the house?  Where he has a gun?  And privacy, behind doors?

He's also presenting himself as a newly single guy about town.  Happy. So so so happy. To be rid of his sober, responsible, funny and amazing wife. "Finally."

He's edging on the Coraline movie scene where the other mother is pounding against the little door, screaming "come back, don't leave me, I'll kill you, I'll die without you!!"

Paraphrasing, but you get the picture.

The....."drunk" sounds judgy.  Will refer to him as D.

D talks to my brother, and asked him to phone our cousin and tell her D stopped drinking.  The man "chooses" to drink from 5am to whatever time he passes out, drun....from drinking all day.  He would beg me to drive him to the store, to get beer, during family reunion.  I was cooking. Cleaning. Playing with kids and he's posted up in the kitchen, drinking nonstop, worrying about running out of beer, which he did not.  There were 2 cases, undrunk, left over of Busch.  I digress.

Brother didn't call cousin... didn't fall for the bs.  Instead, he called D back and asked if he'd really given up alcohol.  D laughed, and admitted he had not.  A little light hearted jape?

Brother unimpressed he'd been asked to compromise his integrity, with his cousin, but seems, still, firmly in the "let's not create drama" camp, as in......speaking about the fear D will harm or kill cousin/the kids makes him uncomfortable, so he's dismissive. 

The DD's oxygen levels are up to 90, which is improvement. Cousin had new car insurance in place, for them all, before the day ended.

D no longer drives. His balance is shot, bc he's saturated with alcohol.

The neighbor men are telling cousin her life is in danger.....telling her they're willing to protect her, should it come to that.  Certainly, the Ohio family is supportive and understand the assignment.  Cousin's friends are alarmed and feel this woll certainly be a case of graveyard love, if D can manage it.

:: struggling with all kinds of acceptance::.
Mostly to do with my brother's (unconscious?) belief systems.....I think.

D is disdainful of women.  Brother has been for years.  They have that, or had that, in common.  Would both vote against reproductive healthcare, if D hadn't given up voting rights.  He can't do jury duty with his extreme drinking habits. 

Anticipating D will use free family attorney to dick cousin around in Court, till their meager savings are gone and legal debt, all he can get, is driven up.  You know...the usual "loving father" behaviors expressed by a dad with 2 kids at university.  Cousin took her name off the kid's bank accounts, so D can't take those.

Oh ....and he's asking for alimony.

I realize..... I can't talk about this without some judgement.

My brother offered to hook D up with an AA sponsor, but D adamantly refuses to consider it.  He's made a "choice" about drinking.  It's not a "problem." Now can you call my wife and tell her I gave up drinking?

Nope.  I can't release outcome or judgement. 

::looking up next T appt date::.

So much destruction and destructive behavior.  So much of my cousin covering for D....trying to protect children....get through another day....endure scathing shame at every social gathering.....and D telling everyone, who'll listen, he's "happy now.... hasn't been for a long time ....would never take cousin back."

Telling the children, but not an AA guy. That's the line D draws in the sand.  He's calling his MIL, and cousin's girlfriends....actually propositioning the single Christian gal. Bleck.

This is an ancient struggle....trying to accept sone parents eat their young.  I know they justify it with....
"What's good for me is good for the kids."

Or maybe they don't feel obligated to justify anything?

I have a problem with it. 
That's clear.
And it's fairly..... visceral, yup yup yup.

The wide eyed and stupid stance, of willfully ignorant bystanders, baffles me. 
No.  It actually gives me the vapors.
 It changes my brain chemistry.

The journey continues.

Lighter




















72
Bathroom emptied. New tub in the space. DD and I shopped tile last night.  She likes delicate/light blue bathroom picture....tiled shower/under chair rail with the light blue paint above.  She likes crown moulding.  Flooring looks to be small ish black and white mosaic tiles....marble. She wants to paint the vanity the light blue.....has decided the black granite countertop is perfect.

Will install nooks in shower, by toilet and for access to shower/tub plumbing.

A third toilet getting installed behind the upstairs toilet....in the office/studio.  I'm trying to get a small corner sink in too.

Material run filled garage with green rock, plywood, electric and plumbing stuff.  We pick up the orange Schluter tile backer board/fasteners tomorrow.... and wade through warehouse of mud covered tile.  Again. 

Changing out a door. Reusing for the new water closet. New door in garage.

Figuring out the tub/shower faucets not going well.  I want a showerhead, tub filler and handheld sprayer mounted on deck, as well.

Lighter

73
Charlotte(neighbor) is paying $15K to have a crew scrape popcorn ceilings, remove wallpaper and paint interior....they say next week.  I think that's a fair price, but golly....I can't imagine she'll have the house emptied by then. 

DD's bf moved his music stuff into the jazz shed today.....and it's a glorious fall day to do it. So beautiful out!

I took an outdoor shower and used that bathroom today.  Felt luxurious to have the door open, with trees, sky and sound of birds flooding in.....sunshine and the breeze too.

I have caulking to finish, and to freshen up in kitchen and dining room.  Will paint later...maybe today.

The draperies are painted, split and ready to be finished with trim.  Brackets painted. Drapery rings on the table.

The upstairs bathroom gets torn out Monday.  DD23 giving me the vapors.... she's not sure what she wants.  Is wishy washy.  I'm making choices today.

Lighter



74
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island
« Last post by lighter on September 07, 2025, 12:24:34 PM »
Please, dear Lord, let the October guest buy the cottage!  Would be huge relief, Hops. 

Another booking for early November, and this is the first year cool weather bookings outnumber summer (Hot!) bookings.  I don't know why people ever go in that buggy heat, bleck.

75
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island
« Last post by Hopalong on September 06, 2025, 06:34:07 PM »
Really glad for you, Lighter.
A sale in the offing and one more albatross soon off your back!

hugs
Hops
76
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island
« Last post by lighter on September 06, 2025, 08:17:49 AM »
Guests happily landed yesterday, and chilling in cottage....water pressure low.  Hopefully recovered. 

There were 4 grocery receipts from housekeeper completing their fridge sticking list.....totaled 160.00.  Housekeeper gets $50 shopping, schlepping, stocking fee, which is the deal of the century, imo.

The groceries, themselves, are expensive, but you lug them with you or get them on the island.  That's the choice.  Housekeeper is precise and very selective shopper.....knows when freighters arrive, who has best cheese and produce, etc.  I will never shop on the island again. 

Lighter
77
We're about to finish a little door trim and vent adjustment in the first bathroom.  Whew!  So ready to be done with that!!!!  Monday the upstairs bath gets torn out.

I introduced contractor to Villain Charlotte, as she looks stressed and very much alone clearing her house.  He'll help with some small things, mostly electrical.  Charge her $80 instead of the $300 quoted by electrician.  Tomorrow morning he'll help her move stuff into basement.  We moved her heavy heavy mattress earlier today and I'll put some stuff for sale in neighborhood message board.

Her eyes are shiny again..... she's over the 🌙 happy, in this moment.  Didn't cost me much.

Lighter
78
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The island
« Last post by lighter on September 05, 2025, 10:45:46 AM »
Slow summer for rentals.  Electric bill keeps coming in.

Last week's renters were ok.
Today a couple checks in .... they're availing themselves to our fridge sticking service....only way to go. IMHO.

I didn't hear about "caretaker's" dogs this last time.  I hope that means he's stopped doing really questionable things, re dogs, while guests installed. 

I have potential buyers booked in October.  They're sure they'll buy the cottage, once other properties sell.  In this market, it's not looking great. But heyyyy.... we're winning, right?

Lighter
79
Raising up children.....whew boy. 

Surprisingly, my girls have responded positively to my requests to show me how they clean.  Youngest cleans like me.  Oldest reads instructions, on cleaning bottles, and follows instructions, which is so HER. 

I have yet to ask the boyfriend, but intend to. Soon.

The next meal planning session, we'll attack shopping, cooking and cleaning duties. Oldest DD on board and made the suggestion. Wonderful!

Youngest DD helping me split drapery panels, run through sewing machine and iron.  Soon, we'll go to lake and finish wedding venue website and photos.

I notice snark, rise up from my gut, and threaten to snurl up my face, which I try to avoid.  Would wedding pictures, featuring a 50ish yo man, marrying a 23yo be more enticing to the male customers? 

We NEED laws limiting the age for child marriages, bc men
WANT
TO
MARRY
CHILDREN.

Godnabbit.

WTAF?

::smoothing shirt::.

And.....men.....
I'm, alarmingly, not identifying many allies, if I'm being honest.  I have compassion for them. Truly, I do.

I have more compassion, for the vulnerable people's, they're driven to prey on.  Always have.  It's a quirk of mine.

Ahem.

So photographer is getting lined up.  I'll likely pay the contractor's (attractive in a Southern country boy way)stepson to pose for photos, if his adorable wife allows it.  She might not.  We are in the Southern country side. 

Eh....will work out.

Youngest dd's cute high school friend, is back in contact with her, bc, as she predicted..... he's going through a bad break up.  He'd be a very good groom, but DD insists it would be a bad idea.  I see that now.

Yes, of course.  How silly of me to need something.  How silly of me to expect to pay for a man's time, and get a job done, sans emotional blowback, turmoil and perhaps worse.  Silly.  Heavens. Imagine! Even the suggestion.

Somehow, I imagine an old guy marrying a young woman would go over better than an interracial couple, which wouldn't create too much insanity with the guy we could line up.  Picture Prince, but more of a pirate.....if that's possible?

I blame anxious attachment styles, in this moment.  It's esp upsetting bc we're (girls and I) more avoidant, yup yup yup.   For us, men equal drama, upset and danger..... it's pretty clear, by now.  Any involvement will cost us some insane price.....juice not worth the squeeze?  Traditionally, for 2 of us. Ya.

Oldest DD's relationship tbd.

I never wanted to raise sons...... haven't spent much time thinking about where we've gone wrong.  We have gone wrong. I have to look at it now.  Try to decipher and calculate routes to calmer streams.  Male drama, and mental health crisis is unbearable, at this point.  For me.  Keeping my yap shut, almost impossible.  Sucking it up, biting back truths, in order to calm and placate Krazy......would likely pop an artery, for sure.  I don't intend to put that strain on'me systems, nope nope nope.

I want to train my girls into calling,all people's, on their bs.  Proactively and decisively.  I've heard oldest DD doing it with her bf.  We'll build on that.

This post took a weird turn, but I'm half surprised, as I spent an hour talking to a recovering addict last night.....seems his wife is angry he had "a few beers" to take the edge off his stress.
Then the story shifted to "a couple shots of peach whiskey" hmmmmm.

I, maddeningly, pussy footed around, which is to say, I said what needed saying, but in the way Hops used to say things on the board.....with endless compassion, patience and refusal to vary that delivery....but also so very frustrating.....for me.
"Can you think of a reason your wife would be angry/alarmed/skeptical/terrified of your drinking, as a recovering addict?" Ummmm.....he knows.  His  defensive 12yo part, looking for reasons to drink,  doesn't want to admit it, but, some part of him, knows. 

Choices. 

Blow up your family OR not blow up your family.  Hmmmm....what to do, what to do?

Anyhow, dd's cute, but emotionally unstable guy friend appears to be tying himself to his ex gf by taking out a loan for her car.  He will collect her payment, read that as hold it over her head to keep contact, and I realize.....I don't want to spend another minute thinking about his bad, terrible, worse choices in the universe.  I don't.

I'll be curious to see if she puts him down, like she did with her ex bf.  With finality and grace.  Just .....turn away, with compassion. And acceptance.  No regrets.  Giving up on people is ok, yup yup yup.  Can't save them from themselves, nope nope nope.

We, all three of us gals, share the "gift" of patience, but once we're done ..... we're done.

I wonder, if my patience, will ebb down to a man sized dram. 

Social lubricant be damned.  Time for more "something new ."

Lighter









80
Hops here. And you're welcome.
LOL.

Very cool story and feminist me was sooo glad to read it.

hugs
Hops

PS You might find this podcast very interesting, especially about halfway through when she talks about codependency, and the culture that made it so powerful.
https://www.nytimes.com/2025/08/23/magazine/jen-hatmaker-interview.html#commentsContainer
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