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71
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by Hopalong on September 17, 2025, 11:43:01 AM »
Quote
...we just slipped into our own time zone and have disconnected with the external world enough that when we HAVE to interact with it - we have to double check now that we're in sync with it. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I have to look at the calendar at least 2x/day because I literally forget after a few hours, if I'm absorbed in something. Which, most days, I am. I'll forget not just dates but days of week.

Aging brain. Add ADHD (gnat attention span). Then add pain or stressors like To-Dos that feel too big to start.

Wow, could I relate to your time-slip.

hugs
Hops
72
When I think about these awful feelings (rage, resentment, loathing) about men lately, and then as you remind me, set them in the context of today's politics, they make perfect sense.

I'm afraid of the unleashed beast. And continue to love many good men, who don't spend all day searching for validation of their own anger and distress.

I keep thinking back to the primary lesson from the Hoffman research, in which they tracked couples for decades, interviewing and videoing their interactions over time. The finding that settles me most back to my own values when my toxic resentment stirs is that the Number One predictor of divorce is contempt. Things said, facial expressions, eye rolls, etc. Once contempt appears and sticks, we're divorcing. Take a cult, a golden calf, and poor education or low-quality information from isolated, bad-faith people either broadcasting or online who pot stir and add contempt...America is divorcing itself. Heartbreaking. But maybe we can turn aside in time...we have 400 days to steer sane.

Lighter, I watched a remarkable interview with Tia Levings and thought you would enjoy it. Tia is remarkably intelligent, understands deconstruction profoundly, and connects it all up in a way I found both exhilarating and comfortingly realistic. I particularly thought you'd like what she says about intuition and healing from trauma. A lot of it is Lighteresque.

Another I rambled onto is Monte Mader who you (and maybe Amber) really might like--who grew up running cattle on a 4000 acre Wyoming ranch and built a truly powerful, healthy sense of herself in the world.

The upside of the internet for me is these positive discoveries, and conversations like the ones we have on this board.

hugs
Hops

PS - Neither of these women TODAY is angry or fearful or anxious.
73
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by lighter on September 17, 2025, 11:37:23 AM »
I think a long vacation is overdue, Amber.

What do you really want to do?

Lighter
74
Qanon friend us enjoying a trip to Kyiv, Ukraine,which, you reflection, seems odd.  His Q intel has reported that area as a hotbed if child organ harvesting, etc
Perhaps he's on a Q mission to save the children.....and eat yummy looking lamb chops.

The "dedicated drinker" husband of our cousin has begun sending messages promising God's wrath for his "pagan" stbx.  It's troublesome, as many of his messages say he's committed to doing God's will.

Yikes and yikers.....his disordered mind is connecting dots.  I watched my MIL do it, with regard to harming my girls.  This is how people justify doing trauma, and worse, IME.

"It's God's fault ....."
"The Judge did it ...DIL is a slut.... they're not my Grandchildren."

Pick your Krazy......they manage to get where they want to be, imo.

Dedicated drinker didn't visit his DD in the hospital, which broke her heart.  I notice she gies between feeling he's a dangerous threat
to
wanting daddy to be normal and make it all ok.

Her socialization makes it easy for Desi drinker to weaponized her compassion, and knock her off center.

That's all I have to say about that.

I'm feeling steadier..... identifying more choice, sans judgement.  Just seeing, and letting it be.

I've noticed for a while, but really put my finger on it lately.  More about the signals being clear ......less interference of other people's needs/preferences/opinions presenting as static with the signals.....feels like.

Will say this about that ....
it shifted something in my brain ...tingly at the back right side of me'brain pan. 

DD23 is upset with me, which is dysregulating for us both.  I added a water closet, in the studio/office. I didn't tell her, or told her I wouldn't, and old betrayal wounds have been opened.... yesterday we got along just fine, but..... it's not over, IME.



Thank God I see my T today. 

Lighter
P S.  Are any of your R friends losing their minds when they heat Charlie Kirk quotes?  I mean ..... actual words coming out the man's mouth?

75
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025
« Last post by sKePTiKal on September 17, 2025, 09:45:37 AM »
Oh boy. It sucks getting old - especiallly when we are still keeping all kinds of stuff in our heads: projects, schedules, preventative maintenance, winter preps. OPP's problems, schedules, emotional whirlwinds.

Both B & I were totally convinced today was his appt. Stayed up later than I wanted to, coz he was working a modified list (pain was being stubborn) with total OCD intensity and didn't come in till late. He's needed a hair cut & beard trim since he got back... so I got that done.

This morning, he asks me what day it is. 18th I say. He says - my computer says the 17th. I look at the calendar where we write down appts & stuff... 18th is Thursday, not Wed. Oh JEEEZZZZZZ.

He was absolutely convinced that Sunday past, was actually Thursday.

I have an Atomic Clock that displays, day of week, date, etc. Multiple computers and phones.

I guess we mostly don't care and are just living in our present moment(s) comfortably. Everything's still getting taken care of in advance of due dates, etc. Everything is managed well... I think we just slipped into our own time zone and have disconnected with the external world enough that when we HAVE to interact with it - we have to double check now that we're in sync with it. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Maybe I need to rethink a tall ship sailing vacation... we might go into the Bermuda Triangle and never be heard from again!!!
76
Yes. Politically (or societally) speaking there is proliferating support for both sides - men and women - right now. And the usual "us vs them" emotions surrounding the issues. I've been in the heated discussions with advocates for both sides... trying to carve out a) a third path and b) common ground they can both agree on.

Everyone will gravitate toward one or the other, except for someone like me who feels the issues are as old as men and women have been around and is quite frankly TIRED and BORED of the topic. Focusing on the same issues over & over again doesn't resolve (or resign) anyone to accepting either change or trying to find a way to work together. Men aren't going to disappear or automatically change. Neither are women going to become Stepford Wives. So figuring out a way to respect each other, accepting the other person's boundaries and sensitivities and MOVING FORWARD... without secretly denegrating each other for these... is the only viable way I can see the human race MIGHT continue.

We've all been fed a lifetime of idealistic fantasy about the "perfect relationship" with the "perfect soulmate" for so long that we're missing opportunities to see and be with so many imperfect - but perfectly acceptable human beings. Across the board - society has tossed to the four winds any standards or guidelines about "behavioral actions" that people are emboldened to "let it all hang out" 24/7/365. And demanding their right to do so without giving a rat's ass about what anyone else thinks or feels about it. It's "not their job" to care about anyone else's feelings.  <rolleyes>

It's sad it's come to this. But it is not the same everywhere - at least out in public. Where I live, people still maintain the "old ways" despite a definite turn towards being in their own self-absorbed bubble and not even recognizing there are people around them, much less speaking, smiling, acknowleding. But it is less here. My county has a few places that serve alcohol - but only two actual bar & grills. And they don't have "issues" with behavior significant enough to make the weekly paper.

I'm glad I'm mostly a hermit. It's helped me to endure being out with "people" better, when I have to. I still have anxiety; a physical tension just from a lot of the energy people drag along with them - like Charles Shultz's "pigpen" character. And while I have times I'm frenetically busy - I do have ultimate control over when/where and how and can return to my slow, simple, peaceful existence at will.
77
  I'm having a really good day.  The girls and DD24's bf jumped into the kitchen and organized countertops, cabinets, drawers and fridge, which was amazing.  Jazz played in the background.  Happy banter drifted up the stairs.  DD24's explosive laughyer punctuating the happy chatter.

Comfortable.

Relaxed.

Ok.  That was 2 days ago.  Yesterday, I was having an even better day.......and wondered if it was too wonderful.

It was.
Later in the day, I told DD23 I'd added a "water closet" to the studio....in the office area.  She was super unhappy.....said I'd added "a wart on the back of her beautiful bathroom," as the plumbing lines up that way.

There's multiple opinions on the issue...from love to good idea IF used/doesn't leak/has a powerful exhaust fan to hate it/it's a betrayal and it needs to be removed NOW!

So.....
there was also an early am text from island housekeeper.....cottage flooded from "repair to water heater" by my trusted handyman, who's done that repair before.

Housekeeper and "caretaker", who doesn't answer my calls 80% of the rime/has never solved a problem I needed help with....
those 2 hate the Hatien handyman, who built my sturdy boardwalk, put in new bath/kitchen ceilings, painted new doors. and patches roof leaks as needed....answers all my calls, btw.....
it's problematic, bc I need them all doing their jobs. 

Back to the fortress of the minds quandary.

No personality disordered bullishite pressing in....getting loud...."breaking things."

Nope. 

I've built a life with ...
Athe possibility of serenity.....
Limited the chaos. 
Handed daughter's the gift of discernment....... what's normal and what's personality disordered bullshite, they don't have to tolerate, bc fear, financial terrorism.....dependency......of any kind.

I cañ hear DD24's ringing lñaughter in the background. Excuse the typos....I cracked  ñy on phone screen again grrrrr.

Won't have to endure, put up with, excuse, cover for ... explain away.....or fearñ

If they do, it'll be a choice, and their experiences will inform those, I pray.  It's important not to allow traumatic betrayals, by family and friends, who were obligated to trust, impact our possible futures ever again.

I'm comfortable calling a spade a spade.  Seems a moral imperative, if I'm being honest. My children SEE ...they've heard.... from r years.  They believe.

So Amber......I think/believe the current political climate has made it cool to be bigoted and comfortable with woman hating authoritarianism.  Maybe no more mental health issues...but out in the open.  In our faces.....feeling entitled to relieve women of their choices.

I'm still waiting for my brother to explain his opinion.....women should be mother's, in the home., while calliñg us citizens who aren't producing non

Last ñight dd24 mm made yu mm y dinner

For me.....
This discomfort, I feel, represents imperative for change. 

And that's ok.



78
Whooo, reactions to men are very adrenalized for you, Lighter. From Yelly Guy to cousins and DDs' boyfriends, cousin's unstable ex, your brother, and many other feelings about "men" in general.

I can go there too, and I haaaaate that feeling when it comes up in me. Kind of a deep, generalized resentment of male privilege and male domination in the whole dang world.

But I can't stay there. It feeds on itself and I can spin. My point is I think I see you spinning deeper and faster and being sooo involved in so many other people's dramas, not all but most revolving around certain kinds of male behavior.

I worry about whether this is good for you. You've now got a strong "we" going with your adult daughters, about men. It sounds like psychological bunker mentality. Do you think there's a chance it's not good for them to bond in this bunker with you? Caution, sure. Careful, proactive self-protection. But are you the only source that can train them in this? And how far does it go? Could it reach paranoia?

I'm coming across as uber-devil's-advocate, and am not as confident as this writing might sound. But I do feel I'm blowing a low-note horn. Hope it comes across as respectfully as I intend it.

hugs,
Hops
79
I can't tell if people simply have shrugged off ALL guidance about behaviors - only cherishing the next hedonistic high feeling - or if their cheese has actually slid that far off their cracker (mental illness getting worse).

Even some people I like are showing severe issues. I try to convince myself it's oK to go out in my local town; the people can be real and nice. They know us now, after 8 years. Hol is concerning me some days, with her over-active brain and imagining that people think or feel things... with no evidence. Or trying to reverse engineer the motivation based on evidence.

So, hermit lifestyle is feeling very attractive to me. I have my own issues and problems to solve, and don't have the bandwidth for OPP's. B & I are even thinking about a week's "getaway". Will involve some touristy exploration, but also a LOT of just "us" time. No list... no being around other people's crap.

Only "project" I'm working on is the lift. Contractor I've spoken with about sealing the cabin & rebuilding the decks, still hasn't come out for a "look-see". I know he's busy right now; I know he's short-handed too. It's a possibility for work this fall, when they can't work other properties. Soon our focus will be firewood and indoor tasks (long postponed and very definitely needed.)

Do what you can for the cousin, Lighter. Don't get sucked into Drunk's blatantly obvious control games. It'll just use all your energy to no avail.
80
My cousin left her husband, just after her niece's wedding.  The husband doesn't know where she is, and their 20yo DD had to give up neutrality yesterday. 

She was taking her dad's calls, and visiting him at their home, but he's unstable and lashing out in every direction, trying to get cousin back in the house.  Only the dad is still residing in the home, btw.

It's weird.....
it feels like..... the dad is cannibalizing their children. In hopes cousin will appear....and remove him from his dinner.

For instance.....cousin had their DD at urgent care....asthma.....the sticky kind.... oxygen stuck at 88..... wouldn't go above....gave steroids and antibiotics.  While in that appointment, the dad calls....DD is socialized to not upset dad. She takes his call.... doctor and mom in room....DD asks if she can phone dad back.

Dad now knows she's at urgent care. With the doctor.... struggling to breathe....on speakerphone, but insists he must make the (sadly not unexpected) announcement.... he's cancelled dd's car insurance.
 Because that's what you do when you're trying to get control of your wife back.  You leverage the children.  Of course you do.

The son, who hasn't been socialized to make everyone feel better all the time, won't take his father's calls or visit him.  He received a text informing him insurance cancelled....and it's really awful.  "Hey, buddy....hey Jackie....all super sweet language, like he's addressing a young child.  Actually made me feel ill, reading it.

Later, the DD ends up in stepped down ICU, where DD removed her father from her emergency contact list and announced she no longer feels safe to visit her father, bc she fears he'll do something to her, to get back at the mom.

Up to that point, she'd been Sweden.... refusing to understand her mom's choice to go no contact/in hiding....unwilling to judge her father, or cut him off. 

It's interesting, the drunk dad liked to get DD drunk with him.  The DD received so little care from him.....that felt like love to her. He actually asked DD to call her  mum and report he'd given up drinking....
while holding a beer in his hand.

He knew shis wife would know he still drank....so why try to coax her back to the house?  Where he has a gun?  And privacy, behind doors?

He's also presenting himself as a newly single guy about town.  Happy. So so so happy. To be rid of his sober, responsible, funny and amazing wife. "Finally."

He's edging on the Coraline movie scene where the other mother is pounding against the little door, screaming "come back, don't leave me, I'll kill you, I'll die without you!!"

Paraphrasing, but you get the picture.

The....."drunk" sounds judgy.  Will refer to him as D.

D talks to my brother, and asked him to phone our cousin and tell her D stopped drinking.  The man "chooses" to drink from 5am to whatever time he passes out, drun....from drinking all day.  He would beg me to drive him to the store, to get beer, during family reunion.  I was cooking. Cleaning. Playing with kids and he's posted up in the kitchen, drinking nonstop, worrying about running out of beer, which he did not.  There were 2 cases, undrunk, left over of Busch.  I digress.

Brother didn't call cousin... didn't fall for the bs.  Instead, he called D back and asked if he'd really given up alcohol.  D laughed, and admitted he had not.  A little light hearted jape?

Brother unimpressed he'd been asked to compromise his integrity, with his cousin, but seems, still, firmly in the "let's not create drama" camp, as in......speaking about the fear D will harm or kill cousin/the kids makes him uncomfortable, so he's dismissive. 

The DD's oxygen levels are up to 90, which is improvement. Cousin had new car insurance in place, for them all, before the day ended.

D no longer drives. His balance is shot, bc he's saturated with alcohol.

The neighbor men are telling cousin her life is in danger.....telling her they're willing to protect her, should it come to that.  Certainly, the Ohio family is supportive and understand the assignment.  Cousin's friends are alarmed and feel this woll certainly be a case of graveyard love, if D can manage it.

:: struggling with all kinds of acceptance::.
Mostly to do with my brother's (unconscious?) belief systems.....I think.

D is disdainful of women.  Brother has been for years.  They have that, or had that, in common.  Would both vote against reproductive healthcare, if D hadn't given up voting rights.  He can't do jury duty with his extreme drinking habits. 

Anticipating D will use free family attorney to dick cousin around in Court, till their meager savings are gone and legal debt, all he can get, is driven up.  You know...the usual "loving father" behaviors expressed by a dad with 2 kids at university.  Cousin took her name off the kid's bank accounts, so D can't take those.

Oh ....and he's asking for alimony.

I realize..... I can't talk about this without some judgement.

My brother offered to hook D up with an AA sponsor, but D adamantly refuses to consider it.  He's made a "choice" about drinking.  It's not a "problem." Now can you call my wife and tell her I gave up drinking?

Nope.  I can't release outcome or judgement. 

::looking up next T appt date::.

So much destruction and destructive behavior.  So much of my cousin covering for D....trying to protect children....get through another day....endure scathing shame at every social gathering.....and D telling everyone, who'll listen, he's "happy now.... hasn't been for a long time ....would never take cousin back."

Telling the children, but not an AA guy. That's the line D draws in the sand.  He's calling his MIL, and cousin's girlfriends....actually propositioning the single Christian gal. Bleck.

This is an ancient struggle....trying to accept sone parents eat their young.  I know they justify it with....
"What's good for me is good for the kids."

Or maybe they don't feel obligated to justify anything?

I have a problem with it. 
That's clear.
And it's fairly..... visceral, yup yup yup.

The wide eyed and stupid stance, of willfully ignorant bystanders, baffles me. 
No.  It actually gives me the vapors.
 It changes my brain chemistry.

The journey continues.

Lighter




















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