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71

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on January 29, 2026, 02:50:06 PM »

She wrote back, "thank you for understanding." She missed my point, I felt upset about being a receptacle for her rage-bursts, which are toxic for me. Asked her to trust a sturdier friend or her therapist for that. Didn't blame her for feeling what she feels, or myself. I think I've evolved to feeling appropriately careful, that's all.

She replied: "I knew you'd send resentful emails" and I replied: "I have resented your rage in the past because I didn't give myself permission to speak up." And, "I understand now that the ways to forestall getting resentful are to resist being controlled, stay loving, and hold whatever boundaries/values I need to maintain my own peace." IOW, Assertiveness 101. Her aggression moments may be something she feels she needs to be safe or can't control. I'm the opposite. (This was 90% second-hand rage, only after I'd resisted a bit was she jabbing at me, it was mostly about the group leader.)

Blah and blah. She basically feels entitled to dump and I've retired from being dumpee. I'm fine with what I wrote her and if/how she processes it is on her.

Just in case y'all were yearning for the tedious repetition. I think I actually have internalized the lesson. I'm not anxious. Attachment is much looser now.

Thanks for your patience.

hugs
Hops

72

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by Hopalong on January 29, 2026, 02:09:07 PM »

Hilarious -- hunting mammoth! Love your descriptions of your animals, Amber. You're a good writer.

Pure ice here still, sparkling in sunshine. My back lot/yard looks like a shining lake. Pup goes out bravely on the ice and skate-stumbles around. If I put him on the patio side, he'll sit a while on the bluestone step, which absorbs some warmth. When he's ready to come in he launches a barking oratorio. Then he hops on the bed and starts talking to me earnestly about the weather, a foot from my face. Cracks me up. That face. If ONLY I could post pix...aha. Watch your emails. He'll turn two on Sunday.

Prius is a frozen lump. Driveway totally iced in. Snowplow berm nicely iced too. I don't care. I like empty streets and lockdown. Happy to wait for the melt. Not the mud, though.

I took a month off from the fat shots but started again on the titrated next dose (doubled). Injected it Saturday noon, and side effects for the first time began that evening. Some GERD-ish acid for a bit but Tums took care of that. By the next day I was eating again, just not much. Innards all settled down.

hugs
Hops

73

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by sKePTiKal on January 29, 2026, 11:34:15 AM »

Sunshine & wind will help "shrink" the snow!

74

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on January 28, 2026, 06:50:51 PM »

Well, no surprise, but there was another meltdown with Poet. Less intense than the last one, but same problem.

We'e both in the same online monthly poetry workshop (good poets who generally give really helpful feedback). I'm very grateful for the group which, at present, is my main connection with other poets in the area (plus Poet, from Michigan). And it was Poet who introduced me and encouraged the group to add me in. I'm grateful for that recommendation and well bonded.

BUT...she's taken a seething dislike to the group leader because the leader sounds very authoritative when she critiques, and sometimes misses the mark. And Poet is very thin-skinned about criticism, and takes it very personally. She feels judged by leader's blunt feedback. I don't, because I know the leader is half crazy and half visionary, and I find her work very interesting. I also like her, even when we disagree. She does a LOT of work to set up each meeting. The group is really important to me, friendships form and there's a general thread going on in which participants are loving and supportive of each other. We worry about an elder member whose wife is withering from dementia, and rejoice loudly for our youngest member, a lovely fellow pursuing a Master's in Poetry, etc.

Long story a bit shorter, after last night's meeting Poet sent me a rain of texts, calling the leader (once a friend of hers, I thought) a bitch, arrogant, annoying, and such a victim all the time. (She writes about her severe abuse as a child which gave her an ED and made her nuts.) Poet: "F-her, I hate her, I can't stand her and am not coming back." I DID NOT WANT TO BE THE RECEPTACLE.

After that she called and dumped more bile. I listened as best I could and resisted or counter-thoughted (new word!) a few very gentle times, and then she turned her anger on me. Same old stuff, a few lacerating personal criticisms, etc. And THEN she told me, do not write to me about this. (The letter I'd sent her after her visit here had really upset her and pissed her off, but we'd regained a form of friendliness, with less-frequent contact.)

I sat with that and realized I'd been ordered not to speak. I stewed a bit and then thought, hell with that, I get to speak up if I need to. So I wrote her a diluted email expressing how I felt, and the only thing that would trigger her that I said was: "I felt like there were little hate-geysers coming in texts and next, into my ear." I know, I know, that was a rough one. All the rest was grateful and kind, etc.

Then I expressed how much the group meant to me and how grateful I've been for that connection she facilitated years back. Said supportive and admiring (required!) things about how well she's done in establishing herself as a writer where she lives now. All true.

But I can share with y'all that I've just realized when she isn't the Queen Bee, she ain't happy. And that her verbal sophistication can be used for good and creativity, and also to put down and hurt people.

I'm nine toes out. And it's okay. If she ignores my message and I get The Silence, I think that's my final indicator that there's no rebuilding this relationship. Reality wins, and it's good that I don't feel too awful. Sad about it, but not crushed. I just don't WANNA deal with her unprocessed rage, because of her just turning to the nearest target. This was mild compared to past explosions, but the same pattern of projecting and displacing is unchanged.

So that's the latest. I know it's tedious to hear the same, same, same thing....apologies, but thanks for reading anyway. I have a new dent in my codependency tendency, a good thing.

hugs
Hops

75

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Friendship Moments: good or bad

« Last post by Hopalong on January 28, 2026, 06:24:50 PM »

Jeez, I hope your BIL has recovered well, Lighter.

Did they figure out what the cause was?

Lately,
Hops

76

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on January 28, 2026, 06:21:38 PM »

Works for me!
I'll harness up Ole George (my best mule) and be rat thar in a couple weeks.....



hugs,
Hops

77

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on January 28, 2026, 01:16:25 PM »

You'd have to be prepared to stay over until the next storm (coming weekend) clears off!

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on January 27, 2026, 02:56:28 PM »

Oh stoppit, my car's iced in and I can't make it for lunch!

DROOOOOOOOLING...

heh heh hugs,
Hops

79

Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on January 27, 2026, 10:28:52 AM »

Well, I made an attempt to shovel snow yesterday; took me longer to suit up for the cold than I was able to stand it out there. I did make a path next to house on the deck, to the "back door" in the bedroom. Snow is deep enough out there to provide them a wind break, while they're below it.

Jack snuck out the first night and didn't come back in till 2:30. Then he wasn't happy, he was snow covered and cold. It was his own fault. I've been letting the whole crew out in the mornings for an hour to get their curiousity sated & their zoomies out.

We are being slugs too. Except for B's snow plowing. He probably won't stay out as long today. I'm making chicken & dumplins. I also have split pea & ham, using Swanson's spicy chicken broth - VERY good. Probably make fancy grilled cheese sandwiches for that.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on January 26, 2026, 08:41:51 PM »

Oh goody. I'm so pleased you enjoyed it!
That handmade tile with a freaking tiny built-in vase (bud vase?) got to me too.
Girl had a creative love for what she was doing, much like yours.

I didn't look up the depth of snow here, I'd guess six inches, but the ice on top is really all that matters. As with every winter, I feel zero worry about "getting out." So many friends are measuring how they're managing are extremely focused on clearing driveways so they can get out as quickly as possible? Me? Maybe I'll worry if I'm not "out" by crocus time.

Being retired it's easier, but I'm fully enwombed, cocooned, cozy and to my shame, LAZY.
Pup is devoted to food, warmth and brief excitement skittering through the yard for about five minutes.

I could be decluttering, but I've found someone I might hire for help with that, after melt.

hugs
Hops