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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on January 11, 2026, 11:49:30 AM »

Correction......
Youngest DD's sgl mum boss has 7 children. That's shocking to my mind. She's still fighting with her second baby daddy over his having contact with a woman he cheated with. Again, shocking to me. 

DD joined a dating site.....it has prompts.....must address interested parties in a queue....limits pics and info....very clever.  The kids put it on the TV, and sort through it together. Lots of laughter/amusing commentary.....lots of the same type profiles popping up.  Oldest DD says youngest DD doesn't know how to....."deal with it yet."  She'll teach her.  Needs to go on many first dates...... banter more.....respond, not just swipe left, which is the prevailing choice so far.  I think youngest is guarding her energy..... discerning.
::shrug::.

I will say this......both DD's standards are very high..... now.  There's no gifting positive motives, and assuming the best of others.  Things begin at zero...... everything must be earned, humor on board, second half of lifers only.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on January 11, 2026, 11:34:18 AM »

So..... dopamine.  What creates in.  What doesn't.  Habits. Motivation.  Others. Self. Doing. Giving. Receiving. Being still. Escaping. Time enough. Not enough time. Just enough time.

The gut punch of a cancer dx.......a mate's, a parent's, then a child's (not in the family,) but close enough.  We were responsible for the entire family....newly arrived immigrants. Truthfully, the child's dx was the only one I lost my senses over. Everything would stop, if he didn't survive.....my Nervous System didn't have any answers to plug in. I felt like Souron's eye, before it exploded....looking everywhere for answers that would not come.

Of course, the little chap survived after 3 years of the best care....free of charge.....the family fully supported....positive cash flow, in fact.  All their energy went to coping with fear, and healing their youngest child /only son.  Everything stopped for them, but Covid and chemo. The little guy's in HS now.....taller than his parents.....he wants the be pilot.  His sisters graduated nursing school in the Philippines.  All seems well in their world.  I hardly ever hear from them now.....only from the daddy, when his car breaks down, or a toll bill from Toronto arrives.  His English hasn't improved much, and I remain salty about his family refusing to speak English with him.....to help him improve.  Oh well.   

Oh well?  Ya.  Just that.
Oh.
Well.

Water under the bridge, but there's a hard but....a boundary....I won't deal with his wife.  My reasons are my own, and are enough..... I'm sure I  listed them on the board. The husband understands, and that's enough. 

Looking back, I see a thready line of boundaries, developing into secure walls, sans confusion.  Even in the face of misogynistic ridicule, and shaming/disdainful pressure to continue caretaking/doing the work others must now do... I'm never going back, bc that time's passed. Something clicked....however out of character it seems to everyone around me.... it's done.

Being nice isn't an option any more, and it feeeeeeels villainous....but it's just steady, appropriate boundaries held without bobbles. 

Revelation. 

Freedom from generational, and sexist expectations....women will always perform free labor of caretaking everyone....even those kicking them in the teeth (fig.).

Nope. 

And so.....dopamine.  Doing. Giving. Receiving.
Being still....escaping....discerning.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by Hopalong on January 10, 2026, 08:02:29 PM »

Sounds GOOD, really good.

Thanks, Meh. On my list.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Meh on January 10, 2026, 07:37:16 PM »

Hellebore and quince are blooming. 

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: N.

« Last post by Meh on January 10, 2026, 07:32:48 PM »

Thanks Skeptikal.

I try when I can to mildly upgrade my quality of life by means available.

Today I went for a walk, grabbed an old frayed free-library J. Conrad book/ Made a random junk casserole because casseroles are pretty good even with random junk on hand. Finished the anxiety self help book on tape. Got out a sewing kit to try to fix some ripped pants later. Did some grocery pick up. (I am too food oriented right now)... anyhow.

There is always so much more to do. In fact I think I want to get through some stuff tonight.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: facing the world

« Last post by Meh on January 10, 2026, 07:19:25 PM »

I get it I think.

When I was taking classes I become crazy consumed with political weirdness though it didn't feel like it was by choice. I'm glad that was a phase and I came out the other end.

Reading a book with a war theme currently. Humans forever have political problems.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Play Hookey

« Last post by Meh on January 10, 2026, 07:12:17 PM »

Random mention.

On a whim a book stood out to me next to a table I had sat down at. I was definitely NOT out to shop was only having some food. I went back "home" and looked for an audio version and I found one. Been out of the self-help phase for a long long while. This was actually pretty darn good and I have to try to listen to it again. It's very hard for me to find any privacy right now but I was able to finish this book today. It wasn't just generic statements there was some insight into anxiety that I had never really heard before. The start of the book does list A LOT of examples and that part can feel pointless but overall the book is good but my memory is kinda crap right now so I can't articulate If anything it helps with the having more meta-cognition.

"Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety: A CBT Guide for Moving Past Chronic Indecisiveness, Avoidance, and Catastrophic Thinking - Sally M. Winston PsyD (Author), Martin N. Seif PhD (Author), Linda Jones (Narrator), Tantor Media (Publisher)"

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: facing the world

« Last post by sKePTiKal on January 09, 2026, 11:05:36 AM »

You and me both, Hops.

There are several very important (geopolitically) news stories this week and it's definitely more than "normal". Some of them aren't even mentioned by the big news outlets. So, it feels like a tsunami of "news"... but when I look closer, the actual amount of "news" is just a fraction of what's online, in reference to that "news".

It's people's reactions and opinions mostly. I've been hard pressed to sift fine enough to find the actual news updates. I'm sure it's affirming for people to post all that stuff; but I have a deal with myself, even if I agree with someone, that I'll go away long enough to do my own thinking about it. My way. Sans "influence".

And I can and do limit the time I allot to reviewing all of this. (Yes, I often have the experience that "while I was away" even more new attention-getting stuff happened. So be it.) Sometimes, I return to a forum thread that has grown 5-10 pages while I was "otherwise occupied". Sigh. Most of it is "noise" to me, these days.

The stuff right in front of me, IRL, is WAY more important to me, than my curiosity or "need to stay informed". B and I have taken advantage of Hol not needing attention from me, to go do some "fun" things for us instead. And it helps clear my head. Yes, escapism helps me relax - my epic fantasy books (mostly multi-book series) and tv movies and series, too. B and I just revisited Lonesome Dove. That felt peaceful and more "normal" even with the usual wild west violence. Hol & I will have an afternoon to compare notes & debrief when she gets back today; maybe tomorrow. And I have things "to do" which pays me tangible, self-sufficiency dividends. In satisfaction.

Isolation for me, or hermiting, simply is a way to reduce the over-stimulation of too much sensory input - as long as I drag myself away from the computer. I have enough physical space around me, that I don't have to navigate the unsolicited "inputs" from other people. That helps.

Space and time for me to process all this big change in our world's "landscape" is how I cope. A lot of it isn't going to personally impact me anyway. Sure, I want to understand what's going on. But there is a lot I don't have to bother myself with - so I choose not to.

Like I started out saying - I feel it too Hops. You ain't alone. We'll get through this time to another, more stable, "plateau". I trust in that.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / facing the world

« Last post by Hopalong on January 08, 2026, 09:33:28 AM »

I'll commit as ever to not talking politics here, because we love this board and want to protect it from division.

Sometimes, though, it might be a comfort to talk about my internal reactions to what's going on in the world and the country. I don't want to analyse it or offer here my biased thoughts about or explanations for one thing or another. There are plenty of Substack spots for me.

I just wanna say that today I'm in a renewed state of shock and grief over it all. And there's a lot of "all" right now. So, maybe talking about coping with the world is all I'm referring to.

For me, escapism has been first, and isolation next. Neither very useful. I'm okay, just had to put it somewhere. Not even looking for any suggestions, just wanted to say "this is part of my energy field right now." Thatssit.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on January 07, 2026, 09:22:49 AM »

The January "thaw" is early this year. Warm enough that Jack & Stinkers stayed out all night hunting. Yesterday was Hol's birthday... and this year, she's being self-sufficient about it. Took a friend to a fancy spa for lunch and massages. Drove home picked up the dogs & packed and drove to a nearby airBNB to spend a few days away from here with the BF. They'll have plenty of hiking spots; Appalachian Trail is close; and the town is pleasant this time of year without tourists. There are a few closeby places for them to sight-see and entertain themselves.

I have the studio all to myself for a few days. Will likely head out there and start this victorian chemise. And deal with the pile of mending. Clean up from our previous "sessions" there. Break out some albums & CDs, since I've killed my little used spotify account. When friend Debbie was out, my hands gravitated to a 3 CD set of Motown hits... and that set the right mood for a fun afternoon/evening.

B and I are rediscovering some intimate "activities" that have been on hold till he felt better physically. I also found a new formulation that includes a dopamine energist... and he has confirmed what I suspected. His way of dealing with pain not controlled by the pump or muscle relaxers gets completely shutdown by sheer mental determination. Which method, as we know from our own experiences, shuts down ALL feelings, indiscriminately. Now, we're going to try experimenting with changing the balance of good/bad feelings, on the theory that increasing "good", leaves less room for "bad". And if that positively expands his tolerance to life's little challenges & indignities. I think it will.

I know he has incredible will/determination AND physical ability to "keep on working" at things he values as his contribution around here. Like taking down trees & splitting wood. Tilling the garden. No matter how much it hurts that day. He is slower, but he gets there. He's told me how good he was with bio-feedback training. So I know his brain is flexible enough to re-draw/re-connect neural networks. Neuroplasticity is a real thing. So together, we're working & growing the relationship together.  This trip, we've spent way more time together and he is flatly jealous of Hol's claim on my time... and I'm OK with that. I see his point, and want her to live HER life without depending so much on me anyway. She's almost 50, FFS. And actually, she is at a point in her own "work" that she's seeing the value (to her) in that. So adjustments. Mistakes, too - and we keep on trying, making progress one baby-step at a time. It is working itself out.

But overall, things are good. It hardly feels like winter (at least this week!). The seed catalogs are stacking up now... but I think I'm going to cut back this year. There are perrenials that I've wanted to get planted. Might start frequenting more of the farmer's markets instead for veggies/fruits. And we need to get out & go visit places around here some more. Just coz. He wants to go to the Mothman festival. LOL.

Hope you guys are weathering the season's changes in fine fettle!