Recent Posts

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: The Lake House

« Last post by lighter on November 21, 2025, 10:04:34 AM »

Well, Hops, the crazy cat man is pretty close by.  He left a for sale sign, by the mailbox, recently, so he's likely still there. 

But......maybe I should see who my other neighbors are, now......then realize.....
I'm a bit jaded/bitter about neighbor interactions, generally.  My instincts are to get busy, find employees and otherwise enjoy lone serenity.

The town is little, but so busy now!  Lots of cars and traffic and business.  It used to feel like one was in the boonies.  No more.

Yesterday, the cowgirl approached me as I was dialing my T and preparing to have a session in my truck.  I had a good chance to notice how disruptive it is to my Nervous System.  Not cowgirl's fault.....but something I will tend to, and limit.

Part of this is feeling obligated to give attention to others/distractions, whatever comes up.  I think I'm back to pulling my energy in, close...... remaining separate and not allowing others IN, unless I've decided I have time, energy and willingness to do so.

It would be good to have a few friends at the lake, tho....and now I'm thinking about it.  Thanks, Hops.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on November 21, 2025, 09:50:48 AM »

Your experience is so different than mine.  I'm super uncomfortable with remembering parts of the surgery....yours and mine, btw.  Ack!  In any surgery......give me deep comforting blackness, please! 

Keep us updated on your healing progress.  I'm fascinated, by the things you notice, and all the changes involved.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on November 21, 2025, 09:46:03 AM »

I was hungry when I posted the above.

I didn't judge my choices.  I didn't tell myself I'd eat this way or that.

I simply pulled out boiled eggs, half a cucumber, the last of the spinach, an avocado, avocado oil and apple cider vinegar.  On the plate, I looked at the food......went for Nature's Seasoning .....read the ingredients....sugar....put it back on the shelf, bc I could. It wasn't a difficult choice.

I didn't even consider the chic fil a dressings in the fridge, or the candied pecans or apples.....nope.

I ate my plate....and really missed dressings and mayo and sour cream.....missed egg salad.....ahhhh condiments.

The cucumber went first.  Interesting. 

The end of the meal was about bites with some of everything.....and noticing I'd forgotten the lime. The lime and salt make it much better, IME.


As I reflect on eating clean......I see the patterns of eating "better" with my girls....to eat with them....the same.....not shame them.....hope we all decide to eat "best" together, eventually.  That's obviously not a pattern working for me....any of us.

I shopped last night.  Asked the girls if they wanted something.  Brussel sprouts, Parmesan and saffron.  Ok. 

I got myself some beef chuck steaks, center cut pork chops to brine, a lamb shank.....and crunchy lettuce requiring a cleaning.  No more soft lettuces for me.

I ate one of the leftover smash burgers, with lettuce bun/mustard/pickled jalapenos, and didn't fret over the cheese.  The kids cooked whatever they had. and DD's bf cleaned the kitchen.  I think I'll have the last smash burger with a couple easy over eggs, for breakfast.

One of my mother's cousin's passed yesterday.....her brother will be stopping by today, with his wife, in their camper....passing through from Florida.  Very nice people.  Not sure what we'll have for dinner, but I'm going to not think about it till after I've eaten.

I'm really focusing on NOT reacting/frenzy cleaning/over shopping in a panic, etc.  I want more ease, focus on important things, like connecting and fellowship.....I want to play games/cards, enjoy simple food and remember good times.

Now.....food.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 21, 2025, 08:09:36 AM »

Well, the universe decided I wasn't gonna sleep well night before the surgery. When I "wokeup" in recovery, she gave me options for a drink (desperately needed) and a snack (ditto). So cheezits & ginger ale it was! I was very much more with it this time "waking up". But the single lens glasses were no go; the new corrected eye wasn't ready for that  Very overcast day, so I didn't need sunglasses. I remembered different things from the surgery this time. Basically aware of everything during the laser removal process. Different bits & pieces from the OR insertion this time; then a blank space. Anastesiologist said that drug is meant to disrupt memory. I wonder if that's so the patient doesn't try to compare how they see, pre and post surgery??

We picked up some Popeye's chicken & B's favorite chips and I was in bed by 7pm; probably asleep by 7:30. Slept straight thru till 5 this mornng. I NEEDED that! It's taking a bit of adjusting this morning to see the puter. Fortunately, it's easy to adjust the size of type. My generic readers are too strong to see normal sizes clearly. Grabbed the one-lens glasses and that's not bad right now. it helps that it's getting daylight now; sun still won't be "up" until 8, and with this fog we probably won't see it till 9. It took me a day or so, with the first eye to figure out best/clearest way to see. And the drops help - a LOT.

There's an anti-inflammatory, a steroid, and antibiotic, which is only used for a week. Everyone I talked to before the surgery, said don't screw up the drops - they are important! I get that. The bottles are so tiny - and I "miss" my eye half the time - so I'm calling doc to call in a refill for me. The anti-inflamatory is called for 2x a day for a month! I'm only halfway with the first eye.

My close vision was much improved after a week, with just the first eye... so I'm gonna be patient and optiomistic about both eyes, getting there. Even though, these lenses are intended for middle & distance focus.

It is amazing, how much more i notice, see, am aware of - and not just visually - because of the increase in "information" my brain is getting from clearer sight. I kinda felt like I was "fading out" before this, even though I was fighting to see/maintain as much as I could. Not ready to drive yet though! I'm giving myself the weekend 'off' to get the first bit of healing done and B can cook. I'm still chief dishwasher - but I might even give the mechanical one an "exercise" this weekend.

I do notice that the differential in focal distance isn't as much of a problem now. So - work on peripheral vision, proprieception, and gentle movements - like spotting in turns - all with an eye to sharpen up my balance while "in motion".

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on November 20, 2025, 10:11:18 AM »

Posting is hit or miss for me too, Amber.  Just makes me more grateful for the board.

I'm glad you're doing ok with that second eye.  Enjoy this gorgeous fall weather.

Lighter

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Mindfulness and codependence thread

« Last post by lighter on November 20, 2025, 09:33:07 AM »

So I tried asking myself why I'm not paying attention to what I eat. 

There was no response.

I let it go, and see I'll be tending to only my meals soon.  It will resolve on it's own, no heavy mental lifting required.

It's sort of a cycle.....and honestly, I can be very happy inserting "better" choices consistently.

Selecting "best" choices, without wavering, is another matter, IME, bc it requires reading tiny labels, without fail, to 100% exclude sugar.  That's tough....no fruit, not even a tic tac.

Ahhh....so the pattern becomes ....
"Better" choices still create visible inflammation.  Regular food beckons, I say "might as well" and then it becomes a habit.

This time.... it's bc I want to remain agile and active.  This time is bc I deserve to feel good and suffer less.  This time, bc I have less destructive ways of self soothing and embracing fellowship.  I think I've almost dropped modeling better for my girls.  It'll help my sister and friend stay on track. 

And so...at the lake, preparing house with friend, for her family Thanksgiving....we showed up with almost identical items from our fridges....fresh spinach, fresh basil/cilantro, boiled eggs, carrots, onions lettuce....
She had ground beef, cabbage and tomatoes, I had fresh mushrooms and bacon, so lettuce wraps and warm bacon spinach salad, it was.  No gluten, but I put real sugar in the dressing, when I could have used monk fruit.

I wanted to be pristine, with her food ......but missed the mark, out of habit, mainly.

And she's never really recovered from her last car accident....her foot and shoulder were never fully restored. Her gallbladder trouble freaked me out BIG time. (She's so much happier without it, btw.)

It frightened me....not gonna lie.  It meant something BIG...many somethings big, I'm afraid.  She's the one person left, besides our martial arts instructor, who worked out with me regularly.  We knew each others strengths, and skills....we were amazing and fearless together. 

We both deserve to feel good and suffer less.  Nutrition is a no-brainer. 

Now....what does it mean to me....
to be pristine with food choices?  To not be pristine?

Same with words, actions and doom scrolling hygiene.

It's discipline and more positive outcomes vs immediate self gratification and more negative outcomes.

But with food .....
It's really enjoying it, and being really hungry, when I eat vs choking down lots of food, with very little, if any, hunger.

Food, as comfort and distraction, has to drop way down on the list, while requiring more energy, prep time and planning ahead.....moving to a schedule.....sticking to pristine choices.

The benefits have outweighed the costs...... I was highly motivated by threats to my children.  I didn't have a bobble.  I was fiercely on target, super committed and tweaking problems proactively.

It's different, now, to sustain, IME.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 20, 2025, 07:17:20 AM »

Well, when they poured me into the jeep after the first surgery - still kinda sedated and DEFINIELY dilated - I could already kinda see out of the corrected eye. I have prepared NOT to have to do anything, and if B drives, I wouldn't have any issue moving around in the slightly busy stores in our area. My years of tai chi come in handy; I know how to center in my body before moving.

I didn't sleep long or well last night. No anxiety - just a full & busy head that wouldn't let go. And I heard a couple things that disturbed me greatly last night. The closest to home, is a friend of Hol's who needs a ride to get imaging done; he has stage 4 cancer and his car doesn't have brakes.

Fingers crossed, I can post now. Both Safari & Firefox have locked up after a short reply like this lately. I think the compute gods are playing with me.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by Hopalong on November 19, 2025, 09:04:40 PM »

Me too, what she said (Light).

Duuno how you'll shop one day after an eye procedure but take care, Amber.
You sure have good reason for confidence, given procedure #1.

hugs
Hops

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by sKePTiKal on November 19, 2025, 01:56:56 PM »

I think it will Lighter. It's clear they have checklists and routines that make them VERY efficient. My job is just to follow instructions and relax. B is driving home. That'll work.

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Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board / Re: Farm Journal - 2025

« Last post by lighter on November 19, 2025, 11:49:55 AM »

I hope, this surgery, goes as smoothly as the last, Amber. 

Lighter