Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: Ami on September 04, 2009, 01:52:36 PM
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I bet I am not the only one with two "girls"(men are included ,too.)
Blackie is not bad or wild just fun, strong and, most importantly, has boundaries.
Whitie has lots of secrets.She keeps them in a space inside so know one will see. When bad seeps out "Who do you think you are?' comes down from the sky and knocks Whitie in to oblivion.
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Whitie has been in a bad marriage for years but can't get out. Whitie worries she is too incompetent and will become road kill.
Blackie CAN fight but is never sure WHEN so has to wait until hit with a nuclear to figure it out. :shock:
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You have to fight for self respect,stand.
That is Blackies first rule.
People try to take it but they can't . It is like virginity .You give it . The NM raped us but AFTER that we don't have to KEEP being raped --do we?
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Dear Ami,
Wow, lot to digest.
"I" feel you are spilling over, your cup of lies are full and overflowing, overflowing with your innerself, complete raw truths.
Whitie has been in a bad marriage for years but can't get out. Whitie worries she is too incompetent and will become road kill.
Blackie CAN fight but is never sure WHEN so has to wait until hit with a nuclear to figure it out.
This is no suprise to me, I feel you have expressed your relationship in between the lines.
You feel stuck, safe as you know the bad, whitie knows what to expect day to day, month to month?
Letting myself seep up your wounds, slowly.
Much soft comfort sent to your way. The boulder has shattered, and maybe a bit freeing for you (hope). seasons xo
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I love you, Seasons :). I am humbled to be your friend! Ami
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Blackie has boundaries.They make you a PERSON not some amorphous blob with a smiling face :lol:
Today , I thought the waitress was thinking I was weird and I had a panic attack. Weird would make me ostracized, apart from the group.
The group, my family. It left me sprawled on the ground like war dead with blood running down my mouth.
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I thought I was great because I had body boundaries. My GM saved ny sanity so I owed her the one thing she wanted of me. Body boundaries--so whoopie much when I sold the rest of it. Lord Forgive Me for selling everything but that.
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Hi Ami,
My Blackie moves in fits and starts, trying a new direction every day. While she surprises me with her boldness, the bravado comes from knowing she won't go far. Always a false start. My White hides from her a lot. She runs around in circles, her hands over her ears, shouting "what have you gotten me into now." My White wants safety and is willing to live in fear to get it. My Black wants change, any change will do. She fears that her road will end in an empty place without even a windmill to joust. White wants to say she is about peace and contentment but always at the core she finds the fear again. They run in endless circles around each other.
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((((((Sealynx)))) Thank you for going on this road with me :D Ami
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Just curious, Ami --- how did you come up with the names "Blackie" and "Whitie" to describe this? And, what do those names mean to you?
Reading your post, I am reminded of the movie "The Three Faces of Eve" (No, I am NOT suggesting you have multiple personalities at all) where she named herself Eve White and Eve Black, and the "White" was the "good" compliant person and the "Black" was the seductress, etc. I'm wondering when you apply those names to the different aspects of yourself, are you judging one or the other as better? Or, is this just me reading something into what you are writing?
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Dear (((Heart))))
I was texting my friend and made an off color remark. I said ,"Blackie said that!" He said, "Blackie should come out more."
I realized that Blackie is my BAD. I am finding that maybe she is human,not bad.
Ami
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It sounds like your friend has a good sense of humor and also accepts you as you are! Very encouraging to hear that you have a friend like that. And I'm also pleased to hear that you don't really see Blackie as "bad" and Whitie as "good" ... most of the things you wrote about "Blackie" I didn't see as bad, and many of the things you wrote about "Whitie" I didn't see as ... well, totally good either.
I think incorporating the extremes in our personalities (like Blackie and Whitie) is like riding a bicycle. If you can find the balance, you can ride this wild horse called life.
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P.S. I don't think you could totally do without what Whitie brings to your table ... I have those extremes too and I know I need both.
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Twoapenny asked me about my repressed memory of my M. This memory came out while I was talking to my friend( a different one than I usually write about here) with whom I felt safe. He is a person to whom you can take deep pain and he will sit with you .
I started talking about how my M disgusted me. I had revulsion when I thought about her. He said 'What does the revulsion feel like?" I started feeling it and feeling it and then all of a sudden a movie screen opened in my mind. I saw my back as a little girl(maybe 3-5). My M put me down on the floor and started masturbating in front of me.
I was IN the head of the little girl AND watching the scene at the same time from my adult vantage point.
I felt her deliberate desire to shock me.
My child's mind was saying,"I want to die. I want to die"
My adult ,as I was watching ,knew that my child did not have words to describe what was happening --only feelings. My child was not verbal enough to do anything with this experience such as tell s/one.
I have not remembered another one but once I was verbal I would HAVE told people I am quite sure so my M probably knew this
Ami
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P.S. I don't think you could totally do without what Whitie brings to your table ... I have those extremes too and I know I need both.
Oh Yeah--ALL Blackie would be no good :lol:.
My friend gives me the closest to unconditional love I have ever gotten. The thing that is the best is that he sees me. Having an NM , you rarely ,if ever, were seen.
When s/one sees me ,I cry. Helen saw me on her thread a few days ago and I cried.
Do you feel seen by anyone, Heart,now or in the past? Ami
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Thanks for asking that, Ami ... I am incredibly blessed because yes, my husband really sees me. He thinks I can do anything (leap tall buildings in a single bound). He has been my salvation (OK, mentally --- you and I have already discussed that my Christian faith has been my spiritual salvation! But I also believe that God sent my husband to me ...). It makes me feel incredibly sad that you have not had that experience.
Also, I have three girlfriends (now) that really see me. It has taken me til this age (46) to trust women enough to not freeze when they are kind to me. And all three of my girlfriends have Ns in their family --- two have N mothers and one has a N father.
I'm beginning to see that when I was younger, I either froze kind women out of my life, or I gravitated to the N women because they felt familiar. I was my own worst enemy. In fact, I'll bet I am still my own worst enemy!!! But I'm getting better.
It does make a huge difference just to be seen, doesn't it? To feel that your feelings matter to somebody.
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Dear Heart
You are blessed, for sure--a H who sees you. That is a gift from God. I am happy you have him and the girlfriends. God is really good !! xxxxooo Ami
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Hi, Blackie
Hi, Whitie,
Just wanted to let you know I'm reading both of you :wink:
For some reason I keep thinking about fringe. Does Blackie's leather Jacket have fringe? Spikes?
What is the "worst" thing Blackie has ever done? Ami, What do you think will happen if Blackie gets her way?
Ami,
You wrote above that your mother masturbated in front of you as a young child. I just want to say that is Fucked.
She is a Nar-person, but I don't think Narcissism is enough to classify that sort of stuff.
You poor thing, that must be so confusing for a kid to witness.
I'm sorry that you have been carrying around that memory your whole life. Yuck.
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Hi, Blackie
Hi, Whitie,
Just wanted to let you know I'm reading both of you :wink:
For some reason I keep thinking about fringe. Does Blackie's leather Jacket have fringe? Spikes?
What is the "worst" thing Blackie has ever done? Ami, What do you think will happen if Blackie gets her way?
Ami,
You wrote above that your mother masturbated in front of you as a young child. I just want to say that is Fucked.
She is a Nar-person, but I don't think Narcissism is enough to classify that sort of stuff.
You poor thing, that must be so confusing for a kid to witness.
I'm sorry that you have been carrying around that memory your whole life. Yuck.
Thanks Helen. It put a hurting on me, for sure.
On a better subject, I love how you see Blackie dressed! Ami
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Ami, are you afraid to talk about Blackie?
I wonder if I would like to be friends with Blackie, I can't tell because I can barely see her. Maybe Blackie doesn't want any friends.
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??????????????????????????????????
Blackie, Do you want to throw a vase at my head? Or out the window?
OR Drive around in a monster truck!!
Want to drive over your mother with a monster truck nick-named Black-mobile?
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Ami, are you afraid to talk about Blackie?
No,(((Helen)))) it just seems like the evolution is taking a Whitie first ,way. I am surprised at this ,too,but Whitie has had to be perfect for so long that she can't stop talking. Ami
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??????????????????????????????????
Blackie, Do you want to throw a vase at my head? Or out the window?
OR Drive around in a monster truck!!
Want to drive over your mother with a monster truck nick-named Black-mobile?
LOL :lol:
Blackie just can't come out yet but she is always open to such suggestions as these!
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Do Blackie and Whitie talk with each other?
Could they sit down at a tea party together and chat? What would happen?
Is Blackie mad at Whitie or is Whitie mad at Blackie or are they BFF?
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Want me to stop asking questions?
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Do Blackie and Whitie talk with each other?
Could they sit down at a tea party together and chat? What would happen?
Is Blackie mad at Whitie or is Whitie mad at Blackie or are they BFF?
Blackie just can't come out yet. I don't know why? Whitie is first in line.Blackies time will come. Maybe when Blackie comes out, I will have to leave my marriage.
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Want me to stop asking questions?
No, the questions hurt but I value your insights. Whitie and Blackie have their own intelligence, wisdom. It is not mine. Ami
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Oh, Yes, I can understand why you would be worried if Blackie came out, it might disrupt your life, impact your marriage.
It might be unsafe if Blackie came out.
Ok, I won't encourage Blackie to come out. She can come out whenever she is ready.
We can have a coming out Party for Blackie when she decides it's ok. Black cake, Black crepe paper banners. Oh that would be fun!
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Whitie cannot do things in her own interest? If there was a tack on her ass, she would be sitting there wondering what she should do?
:?
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Want me to stop asking questions?
No, the questions hurt but I value your insights. Whitie and Blackie have their own intelligence, wisdom. It is not mine.Isn't that strange? Ami
Ami, I'm sorry that the questions hurt, I did not intend for them to be painful, but I guess we are in the area of picking wounds.
Do you want to talk more about why and how the questions hurt. Or shall we let it be?
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Oh, Yes, I can understand why you would be worried if Blackie came out, it might disrupt your life, impact your marriage.
It might be unsafe if Blackie came out.
Ok, I won't encourage Blackie to come out. She can come out whenever she is ready.
We can have a coming out Party for Blackie when she decides it's ok. Black cake, Black crepe paper banners. Oh that would be fun!
Yes ,(((Helen))),I think when Blackie comes out I will put on my spike heels and walk out the door.
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Whitie cannot do things in her own interest? If there was a tack on her ass, she would be sitting there wondering what she should do?
:?
I know you are serious, but I have to say this made me LAUGH.
Whitie must really suffer for this type of paralysis.
I believe that Whitie and Blackie will evolve in time Ami. I can picture the day that Whitie can pull the tack off of her own ass.
I can picture the day that Blackie can come out and talk and celebrate herself.
It's ok if it's not this day, but some day.....I picture it...... Do you picture it Ami?
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Umm Maybe let it be. You write all your ideas but Whitie and Blackie are too tired to answer. I love to hear your ideas though !!!((Helen))). I am gonna get off now and rest. xxxoooo Ami
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Ok, BYE!! XOXOXO
XOXOXO Blackie can tell me to bugger off at anytime, I will not be offended. :)
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Ok, BYE!!
Blackie can tell me to bugger off at anytime, I will not be offended. :)
Thank you Helen. Same goes for me. I may write more now about Whities life but she can't face herself any more b/c your questions are too insightful . xxxxxxxoooooooooo Ami
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Whitie goes out twice a week with a drinking group. They would call it social group .
The girls love Blackie cuz Blackie comes out with just one beer. Whitie gets shocked at what Blackie says but Blackie does what she wants .
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The woman love Blackie. Whitie is very reticent about woman. There are all types of woman but Whitie is afraid of woman in general, even sweet ,mousy ones.
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This morning Whitie and her H went out to breakfast. H is not abusive any more b/c he knows Whitie will leave. He is nice to Whitie cuz he does not want to be alone.
When Whitie talks about passionate things like music, his eyes glaze over. He needs the Whitie of the old days.
He asks, Where is the relationship going?" Whitie says she wants not to be crazy for once in her life.
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That is really a wonderful goal--not to be crazy before I die. I am so happy with Whitie right now that we are going to buy a pocketbook on E bay. Helen ,we will have a party when Whitie removes the tack :lol: xxxoooo Ami
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About my repressed memory. When I told my F my M "molested "me, he said,"Let me look up "molest" in the dictionary.I was on the phone while he did. It said disturb.
Whitie didn't take a bath for 3 weeks.
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My girlfriend ,on the Board, asked me if Whitie/Blackie(me) feel we are dirty. Probably but I can't access it because Whitie keeps talking.
Whitie has a whole life she hasn't lived.
Her mother told her normal people have friends , have people to their houses.
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Whitie tried to look normal even though she was a bad housekeeper.
Whitie hates housekeeping, sewing, typing, organizing, wearing the right size bra.
Emotional health is seeing life as it is, yourself as you are. Distortions make you crazy in Whities definition of crazy.
It is not hopeless.
Whitie has a straw which takes air from her crypt to the outside.
Whitie is gonna be all right.
Helen asked me why Blackie can't come out. She can't,only under duress.Blackie is left over from healthy days.
Blackie would have never been abused. Whitie is proud that Blackie respects herself so much.
Blackie has good memories.
Blackie had a self . That is the key,having a self.
Whitie got blanked out.To Whitie,having a self was as bad as killing someone. Her mother had all kinds of stories.Her M got TB after college.
If kids made her too tired ,she would get it again.
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Whitie has so many secrets but they come out hard.
She wishes she could throw them up and they would land at her feet and wash away but she can't because maybe SHE will come up with them,dissolved all over the place.
Last night, Whitie panicked that she was taking up too much room .
"You are self centered, immature, wasteful, you don't know about LIFE."
YOUOOOOOOOO
The only people that ever really hurt Whitie were her mother, father and husband. She doesn't have much friend or relationship wreakage.
Blackie would pick friends,
Whitie thinks Blackie could possibly be bad . That is why Blackie does not have full rein.
What if you had a dog who gave all it's bones to the other dogs? My Yorkie defends her bones. Does that make her BAD?
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Hello Whitie,
Keep writing...... if you feel like it......there is a lot of room on the board.
I see a spacious room with many new, unused, big thick story books , the pages are blank. There is a pen/pencil next to the books.
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Thank you, Helen, for your warmth :D.
Whitie is very tired today. Her friend is coming across country and she is scared to death.
Whitie lives in a mausoleum.
She herself is mummified if you want to get right down to it.
Whitie looks good. People say so. Whitie likes to buy things.
Whitie has too many pocketbooks but is still buying.
There is one she has her eye on, small , pink/coral with a wild but tasteful design.
That would be for Blackie.
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Maybe her husband wanted to put Whitie away. Then he could look good with a crazy wife and POOR him.
How can a person survive with this pain?
It pushes out the edges in lumps like wild cellulite.
Whitie wonders about other people.
What? Why? What if? What if not?
Blackie says," It is your OWN mental health you worry about." Blackie doesn't put up with philosophical bullshit that goes nowhere.
Whitie could debate it, forever .
Whitie is kind of your typical female : overly concerned with others,cooking too much, gives the shirt off her back, caters to people's food and drink needs.
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Whitie is thinking of the people she will leave in her will. She would give to people who loved her when she was in so much pain . She pulled on them like a dying person . They loved her for a reason known to God.
Fears
Whitie is under the water in fears.This is the place she needs to heal. Why so many fears? Is it all control so Whitie can be safe? Is it all because she was never safe?
Whitie is afraid to look bad, to die, to get sick, to make a mistake, to be humiliated ,to not know what to do, to do the wrong thing, to have someone say"Who do you think you are?, to have someone be angry, to find out she is what her mother said she was ---BAD.
Whitie's worst fears are doctors and dentists. Whitie becomes catatonic
She hopes to have good emotional health one day but who knows?
It's been a long time buried under this craziness.
The docs and dents must be fear of dying. Dying looks bad. Sickness looks bad. Whitie feels she will die if she looks bad. Her identity will go down to zero and she will dissolve in to molecules.
You have to trust God a lot to relax in to that one.I think it comes down to that for everyone whether they know it or not.Whitie was forced to know it.
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My Black offers you a special dream helmet. It works every night to block confusion, allowing only the gentle guidance of the soul to fill your dreams.
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My Black offers you a special dream helmet. It works every night to block confusion, allowing only the gentle guidance of the soul to fill your dreams.
Thank you, (((((Sealynx))))) Ami
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Whitie had a wonderful breakfast--baked oatmeal with peaches ,blueberries , blackberries,strawberries and brown sugar.The restaurant owner was very friendly. Friendly is important but you have to be balanced with another self who can take care of YOU. Is this not Life 101?????
Whitie felt very friendly ,too. She realized she had an emerging self .
Once you see the wisdom of things you wonder WHY you didn't see it . Whitie has not graduated from any school anywhere but she does have the simple inkling that you must love yourself.
It is in seed form .
White is really afraid when she declares progress. The big hand is coming down to slap her. "Who do you think YOUOO are ? What are YOUOO so good about?"
Whitie steps back a little and says,"This old thing."
Whitie is going on a trip in two weeks. She has not gone anyplace since the trips to her son's school for Parents Weekend.Whitie was bad then ,lost.
After Scott's death, Whitie did not care about her husband anymore. It was a freedom, all feelings gone.Caring is a bondage that we enter if we love someone . It's worth it if the someone cares for the real you a tiny bit.
Her husband could not see her but it worked out because she could not see herself. Whitie was an empty space through which the wind blew.
Thinking back,when WAS Whitie a person? When did she last FEEL in a real way ,when the feeling went from her gut to her head and stayed there, no guilt holding it in a drowning man's grip.
Whitie has good memories when she was THERE.Being THERE was so much more important than the event. Whitie has taken exotic trips but was never there so what did it matter? She may as well have opened an encyclopedia while sitting on her bed.
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Whities husband wants to go to counseling."NO more counseling" Whitie says.
Whitie learned through the school of hard knocks.
I hope others are blessed with good therapists and good outcomes--AMEN.
Whitie does have a D in Remedial Living ,though.
Whitie's last name is Smith and Blackie's is Van Bueren. When Blackie goes out she wears a black cashmere turtleneck,tight black jeans ,large gold hoops and high heeled black boots Do you think someone would say,"Who do you think YOU are ?"
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Blackie is not what you think. She can go to church or a cocktail party and does NOT make a spectacle of herself.
Blackie can say what needs to be said, though, and if it needs to be said in a loud voice, so be it.
She is assertive ,not aggressive, and that is what Whitie respects.
Whitie is a wimp, really. I hate to say it but it's true so why not. We are telling the truth.
Whitie sold it , herself and everybody else. Who could respect that?
Whitie's father was a wimp. He loved Whitie but stand up---nein.
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Whitie is an Alice Miller fanatic. Alice Miller says wonderful things about how to get over abuse. It is not about disorder this and therapeutic that.
It is simple wisdom : trust yourself and don't worship authority figures.
Whitie wrote Alice six letters; she published three and wrote back three.
Alice talks about "Fear of the parent", putting authority figures above yourself ,trusting someone's judgment over your own. If you are really bad like Whitie ,you trust everyone's.
Blackie told Whitie the same things for years but Whitie would not listen.
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This awful truth is coming to Whitie that everyone is alone . Whitie gave up facing truth at 14.
Now, the mantra 'Truth" beckons to her . If Whitie wants to get well, follow truth.
How did she get sick? Lies. So......
She has a self help program .
She forces herself to do everything she doesn't want .
It sounds crazy but they are just normal things like driving,having friends.
Whitie tries to go forward and her mother's voice bellows until Whitie wants to run screaming.
Whitie says she will never do it again but the next day she does.
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Whitie has real talks with her friend,not bazooka wars . He listens as if Whitie is a real person. He remembers what Whitie has said as if Whitie is important.
Whitie never loved anyone like this.
Life hurts Whitie. It intrudes on her like overgrown grass, the kind that comes with a guarantee "grow forever or your money back."
People hurt her without doing anything.
Every day,she pushes forward and every day she feels war wounded. Sometimes, a new understanding will come and she hopes it is a victory of some sort.
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Whitie feels guilty because she doesn't have to work.
Who would want Whitie's life?
Maybe, I am wrong.
Her friend was the Quarterback on the football team and could learn effortlessly. He didn't have to hold on to his sanity like safety pins on a torn dress but has to work all the time .Who has it worse?
We each have our path toward God. What else makes sense?
Whitie can't stop talking because she has been silent since she was 14.
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Your doing a wonderful job.
I can see how honest you are.
(( a loving person with wounds that need to heal ))
To combine both?
So you don't have to work. Work in a building? Work at a computer? Work in the dirt? Titles, find your dreams, live them, work at what you love.
Find yourself so you can work. Work at getting better at?
Wow, so many beautiful enchanted dreams for you.
((whitie & blackie)) complement eachother, that's what I see.
love and support as you "work" on you, couldn't be more important!!! seasons
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I love you,((( Seasons))). Thank you for seeing me :D. I cried when I read your post. xxoo Ami
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Whitie is too good , over the top .
If Whitie is your friend , she is your FRIEND.
It is not really because Whitie IS so good; it is because she is afraid she is BAD.
BAD is tucked beneath an apron cooking a large meal for others.
Helen suggested Whitie was afraid she would hurt someone and Whitie quicly said "That's ridiculous". Whitie would have done that and quickly too.
Whitie's biggest and worst lies are to herself.
Whitie has been thinking about ALL the guilt she has and perhaps Helen is right .
Perhaps, the BAD is part of this. There is a whole,long story of Whities mother having TB and almost dying. Whitie was told that again and again. Her M always had to feel good about herself or else.
She had to make her mother feel good about herself or hurtful things happened that made Whities gut ache.
I think Whitie is afraid if she is not self effacing she WILL kill someone.These patterns DO stay with you forever demanding their pound of flesh.
People dying of heart disease, cancer ,how much is the pound of flesh exacting it's due?
I don't even want to think about mental illness.
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Whitie was not allowed to have her own gut, mind, identity. That would have been BAD.
Whitie could have her own body :that was it.
Whitie was good---SO F###ing what?
Is she supposed to have a permanent gold star for life for THAT?
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Whities H--a whole,long ,big story. Do you have time? Whitie can't see it clearly ,even now. I guess she will just tell it. If you think Whitie is bad, so be it.
Whitie started out good. She married young, got a Masters right after marriage, put her H's career first because that was how you do it. Four years later she had kids. They bought a house. She was a good enough housekeeper, not that great.
She was a good mother,maybe very good. She grew up when she knew other humans needed her.
Now, the hard part. I may come back later for this part. I think I will.
Whitie was bad before she met her H. She was a ghost, wind blowing through the sides. She wasn't right. She had been hit over the head with a two by four ,too many times.
So, a Whitie waiting for someone to take care of her. Yes, that was how it started. I can't blame him for all when I was the other half.
So much sadness. Whitie wants to cry. This story is not gonna come out easy.
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Whitie's H--I will begin there.
His family was a horror show .
One day Blackie told them to F off.
She had good kids, loving, humble, not in trouble.
She tried to get out of her marriage after the first child but her mother pushed her back.
She couldn't do it. That is the truth,no glossing over it.
How did she feel about her H?
It was entangled with who she was.
.Yeah, I am seeing the shape of it
All the selves, take them one by one.Be honest.
Ok-- the terrified self could not make a mistake. . That one had to look good even if the place was on fire.She put on her make-up before evacuating.
The lazy self-- She did not want to work 24/7 with kids, a house, a job, kids , a house, a job------ over and over .She was lazy, end of story.
The spoiled self--this goes with the lazy one. She wanted to buy things. OK--I look horrible. It is like confession. What good would it do to lie?
The conventional one --she wanted to be accepted as a person who made the "right" choices and life worked out. This one cared about the outside more than the inside.Her motto was "If you LOOK good, you are good "
The prideful one---this one wanted to look LIKE her life worked so other people would think she was successful.
I feel awful writing these things. Am I being too real? Probably
There are other ones:
The abandoned child--this one wanted a mother in a husband.
The incompetent one--this one would crash and burn on her own.
The dependent one--this one wanted to be someone's appendage. She did not want to stand up and be counted.If she failed, it was not her fault but the other person's. I KNOW!!!!
The alone one--this one HAD no family to fall on and she needed one. It was that simple. She needed a family to help her get out of her marriage and when they wouldn't, she stayed.
God, that hurt!
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Whitie wants to climb under the rug ,having her weak pitiful life out there.Well, that is Whities recollection and until new information presents itself, it is 'Why Whitie stayed?"
People ask abused woman this question all the time. There really is no good answer but that was Whitie's.
White feels horribly shamed because of this marriage. She almost can't breathe or write about it. She wanted to tear the words off the page as if Whities shame was spread out there for others to gawk at and judge.
Whitie made choices based on faulty premises and they blew up and up and up and out to Heaven,but really Hell.
Whatever good Whitie got in finances, she paid for with all a person has that matters.
Maybe the shame Whitie feels is not the shame of the marriage but what Whitie has become. Blackie would have gotten out right away but Whitie was compliant , especially after she had kids.
Whitie could not do it. She couldn't .What can I say? Whitie didn't have the strength.
She stayed for some good reasons, too. She didn't want different fathers for children, step fathers, step mothers, complications and complications. Once she realized she made a mistake, she tried to get out but couldn't so tried to stay. That doesn't make her bad.
Her thinking was not right.
Maybe, White just had bad thinking but was not BAD.
Maybe , Whitie was just lost, not BAD.
Maybe BAD was just from a sick ,dumb person, her Mother.
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XOXOXOXOXOXOX
((((((( AMI ))))))))
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
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Thank you, ((((Helen)))) That was sweet and NEEDED. :) Ami
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Whitie has a short repertoire of feelings ,noble, giving , caring, sweet.
Whitie is good.What can I say?
She,also, is tired a lot.
How does she feel about her H?
How is she supposed to feel about him?
That is what she would think even if she were afraid to tell you.
How should I feel?
She doesn't know.
How do you go about feeling, anyway?
What if your feelings are buried so deep that you don't know what they are?
Could that happen? :?
How does she feel about her mother? father? Her feelings are a nest of rattlesnakes if you have ever seen nests of snakes . They lie on each other in a huge pile, GROSS !
She last remembers feeling when she was 13. After that, Whitey became frozen. She just didn't WANT to let BAD out and everyone would hate her.
If you ever read Lonesome Dove, a man gets killed by a nest of water moccasins. I wish I never read it.He was stung and stung and stung until he died. They came up from nowhere in the murky water.
That is what my feelings feel like--a nest of snakes, ugly, ugly. They are squished together in my stomach in a HUGE pile. I feel sick even talking about them.
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Somewhere, someplace Whitie has a sense that maybe she has been seeing life with a giant lens entitled BULLSHIT.
It is outstandingly mind boggling.
In Primal Therapy, they take you back to where you lost the true self and became a false self. The person evaporates in a kind of way and then emerges as a new self, the self without the structures(distortions) that kept it built up, an edifice from Hell.
Whitie knows Hell.
Maybe every person has put their toe ,or more, in to Hell.
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People tell Whitie ,feelings are neither good or bad but she doesn't believe it.She just feels so damn BAD. She would like to wear a summer dress like the ones you see on girls running in the fields ,long hair flowing. She would be running, too.
The heavy clothes would be left on the bed in a pile with the feelings that have no bottom and the shame that has no top but today is not that day.There are layers and layers of clothes and Whitie is sitting on the top.
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Today is drinking day i.e. the social group. Whitie has a beer called Ruination. Blackie says that it will put hair on your chest. Blackie usually has on a low cut top and people look at her chest and laugh .
Blackie has a good sense of humor, not too much. Whitie cringes sometimes but what is life if you can't take a chance or two?
What's the worst that happens ; you bomb. Blackie has done it many times.You graciously ask forgiveness ; usually the person complies. Sometimes they hate you, forever. That has happened to Blackie on a joke or two but HOW solid could the relationship have been if one joke screwed it up.
Some of the women want to be Whities friend. Whitie has a big cringe inside but smiles and says,"SURE".
Yeah, Whitie will figure how to get out of it later.
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Whitie's life has been her mother, her mother until Whitie wants to throw up , let alone make everyone else. She lost her last friend cuz he gave her the Eagles song," Get Over It."
She left because she couldn't get over it. I don't buy the "You want to be a victim "shit. You don't .
You get beaten and beaten until you BELIEVE them, GET IT!
Whitie has heard enough of that crap to barf ,herself.
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Whitie was a Siamese twin with her mother, connected by the heads, the worst kind. They usually can't operate and if they do, one is usually mentally handicapped.
How to get out ?
I don't know , other than telling.
Do you tell memories , thoughts, feelings?
Probably feelings.
I feel frozen to even SAY a feeling about my M. If I say hate, I feel guilty, electric chair guilty.
If I say love, I feel angry, high heat angry.
Feelings for a M are complex, especially when you have Whities mother.
She thinks her M loved her. She doted on her ,in ways, but her M raged if her own needs weren't met by a tiny Whitie.
That messed Whitie's nervous system up good.
She is a wreck, nervous system wise.
She jumps at tiny sounds.
Can rats change after they have Learned Helplessness? Whitie doesn't know. Are they doomed ,forever to be stuck in the cage with the door open :shock:?
Enough for today. Whitie needs rest.Whitie is going on a retreat in 2 weeks to find God's love. That would be the rest,if there is any.
Whitie is a little cynical, a little hopeful. Maybe, Whitie has to wait for Heaven or the Rapture.
It would be so freakin funny if Whitie wasn't bad ?
That would be a bummer and a half that ALL this was unnecessary.Gag me with a spoon :shock:.
Oh God---What if EVERY person has a little Yorkie inside protecting it's bone? For some, it could be a Yorkie, for some a Rottie, some a Standard Poodle but they all are dogs, are they not?
Animals, really, that is the point.
Maybe Whitie is a Maltese and Blackie is a cross between a Standard Poodle and German Shepherd but so what? Are they NOT all animals :? ?
Lord ,Help me, how could my M have lived a whole life and been so stupid?
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Whitie erased two posts, too much shame. Maybe ,they weren't even bad but Whitie wanted to ask someone and no one was there ,so what do you do?
Whitie doesn't want to take too big of a chance.
Whitie and Hyper-Alert
White got exhausted ,yesterday. Her friend was there and her other friend was gonna call and Whitie had to go out that night. TOO many possibilities for someone to get mad. Whitie has to juggle other's feelings
Will Whitie ever be in her own space ?
Whitie rushes to and fro with the mantra"If I am giving, caring, paying attention, very good, sweet, considerate, holy and wise , no one will get mad at me.
Once in her job , she lost a part of a machine(down the drain :shock:). The boss did not even use the machine much but Whitie had not made ONE mistake prior to that. She was counting, not even one.
Whitie and Selfishness
Whitie had a BIG revelation. Everyone is selfish. Her guitar teacher was talking about human nature as if it was actually a thing. What if Whitie was just HUMAN ? That would be some kind of black humor , the kind where the guy gets killed and it is funny.
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What if your feelings are buried so deep that you don't know what they are?
Could that happen?
YES. And it doesn't make one BAD and it's not permanent. You can learn to feel again.
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What if your feelings are buried so deep that you don't know what they are?
Could that happen?
YES. And it doesn't make one BAD and it's not permanent. You can learn to feel again.
Thank you, Amber. When Whitie pulls the tack out of her ass and can feel , you ,Helen and I will have a party :lol: Ami
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Maybe Blackie will pull the tack out... just to see what happens...
What would someone who was BOTH Whitie & Blackie look like? Like mashed potatoes... if you blended them... what would stay from each one?
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X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O
Hi Ami,
Hi Whitie,
I have 100% confidence in your right to have feelings and needs.
A big desk in a writing room. Maybe some objects sitting on the desk, some pocket books?
....a silver fountain pen....with wells of ink colors....Black, Gray, Red, Pink, Orange, Crimson, Violet, White, Sepia....
Photo corners.... lockets....keys.....pages.....glue
Papers of different weights and colors....fancy Italian paper...
Can write them, rip them, cherish them, tack them to the wall, burn them....
The story books are always there you can write whatever you want in them, they belong to you and only you.
There are shelves, you can put them up on the shelf if you want, you can use the pages for TP if you want.
You can tuck the pages into your bra for safekeeping.
X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O
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Maybe Blackie will pull the tack out... just to see what happens...
What would someone who was BOTH Whitie & Blackie look like? Like mashed potatoes... if you blended them... what would stay from each one?
In due time, hopefully Blackie will make more than temporary appearances but their time table is their own.Thanks for your input, Amber. Ami
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X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O
Hi Ami,
Hi Whitie,
I have 100% confidence in your right to have feelings and needs.
A big desk in a writing room. Maybe some objects sitting on the desk, some pocket books?
....a silver fountain pen....with wells of ink colors....Black, Gray, Red, Pink, Orange, Crimson, Violet, White, Sepia....
Photo corners.... lockets....keys.....pages.....glue
Papers of different weights and colors....fancy Italian paper...
Can write them, rip them, cherish them, tack them to the wall, burn them....
The story books are always there you can write whatever you want in them, they belong to you and only you.
There are shelves, you can put them up on the shelf if you want, you can use the pages for TP if you want.
You can tuck the pages into your bra for safekeeping.
X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O X O
OHHHH! xxxoooo Ami
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Whitie had an epiphany at dinner .She realized she is a person---DUH?
What a crime an NM does to a child :rape, murder, extinction.I was nothing. Can you believe that?
I want to beat on my Mother, Why,Why ,Why?
It is like a Greek tragedy, all the characters missing each other, missing themselves.
I am glad I believe in God . He has the whole world in his hands and on a tiny spot on earth, He has Whitie.
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Whitie's Friend
White never did anything with her friend that you could not do in broad daylight on a bench ---OK?
If you are gonna judge, stop reading.
Whitie loves him "once in a lifetime".
She asked people about "once in a lifetime".
Her Aunt never had it . Her friend did with her ex-husband(number 2).
Whitie is not a risk taker but once in a lifetime is once on a lifetime. What can she say?
Whitie blossomed like a flower. Everyone says that. That can't believe it is actually Whitie, as radiant as she looks. It is not your usual falling in love.
It is falling in love in your deepest soul ,if you can imagine that.
She really does not know what she is talking about other than trying to describe it the best she can.
Whitie wants to erase this . Whitie is moral .
Whitie was held together by safety pins and one BIGGIE was being good.She is not gonna mess with that , fast.
When all else failed( and it did) , Whitie had her values.
Her inner safety pins would have flown apart like metal in an MRI if Whitie strayed; (metal explodes )
Her guitar teacher told her about a girl whose necklace choked her to death in an MRI.
Lord, I hope it was fast. Whitie wants to go fast, that is for sure.
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Dinner with Rabbi and Wife
Last night, Whitie had dinner with the rabbi and his wife, sushi .Whitie felt kind of different as if she could be SELFISH. Perhaps, Whitie could watch out for her own needs, not be like a Mother Teresa on acid, taking care of the whole world.
Maybe her mother was f##ked to the hilt with craziness. When a person is familiar, they don't seem crazy.You know what I mean? Crazy is for other people, strangers, people you read about.
She lived in a nice house, had music lessons, prepared for the SATs. How crazy is that? Her mother took care of her, doctor , dentist, braces, contacts, shrinks. HOW could it have been CRAZY?
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The rabbis wife told me a funny story.She is Spanish. He is Jewish. When she brought him home, her M was telling the relatives,in Spanish, that he was Jewish, except she didn't use the Spanish word for Jewish but a word which sounds close but means "f##ked up.
I had a beer ; she told me that her F was an alcoholic so she watches herself carefully . I said I do not want to become an alcoholic ,as an ending to my already wonderful life.
I told her I loved her ,in Spanish, and she said the same.
I misjudge woman, badly.
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Whitie's armor has been perfectionism. IF Whitie was perfect,people wouldn't get mad her.
Even in her guitar lesson, she sweats when new things come up like relative minors.Everything is a judgment of whether she is good or bad.
Maybe, her armor could be her real self, facing her own shame and not giving it to others to juggle and give back to her ,sanitized.
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Umm, Ami, I think I am a Mother Teresa on acid. :x
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Umm, Ami, I think I am a Mother Teresa on acid. :x
Join the club :shock: ,Helen. We can start chapters, the whole business.
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Whitie's Father
Today ,Whitie had the epiphany of epiphanies. It was about her father. He has Helen's" face on the back of his head". Thank you, Helen,brilliant as usual :P
My F is a self effacing, soft spoken ,refined man .Everyone will tell you, he is a SAINT(capitals)
I don't have bad memories of him, a few little things.However, he would never stand up, nunca, nein. Sometimes, he would stand up for himself but not me. I could be eviscerated in front of him, guts hanging, and he would stand there. I never expected anything else.
Why didn't I wonder,"What the HELL is wrong with him?". I didn't. It was just normal.
My epiphany was from my friend, who said it a few weeks ago . He was born to write like Thomas Wolfe or Shakespeare.
He said, "Your father was the one who messed with your reality not your mother." I argued that my F was a good F, pretty good anyway. I argued that my F was linear and my M was borderlinie.
I argued for two weeks until I saw it---boom.
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Boom, my recurrent dreams, years and years of them. I was in different places, a bus terminal, subway station, a quaint New England down town, a hospital; he would never pick me up. I had various versions of trying to call him. Sometimes, my body would be so heavy that I could not move to find a phone.Sometimes, I would have a phone but my fingers would be too heavy to dial. Sometimes ,I would dial and no one would answer.
My other recurrent dream was that I could not SEE. I would be in various situations and could not see. I was too ashamed to tell anyone so I pretended . Once I was driving a car and could not see.
I studied dream analysis in graduate school. Driving is moving forward.
That was my life, trying to navigate with no sight :shock:
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Whitie has diarrhea of the mouth, today. I know, gross, but Whitie is happy, kind of manic. Maybe she has a self ;she is singing .
Whitie is O.D ing on people. People ,everywhere , and Whities numbness is screaming but she is getting a sense that all this crazy stuff about being bad is bullshit.
Tonight is the drinking group. Whitie is going to get a beer and just sit there.
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Whitie had quite a day ,a-ha experiences by the jug full. . Something has opened in Whitie. It is about her father. He was the one who distorted her reality because she trusted him. She thought he loved her more than keeping the peace. It should be written on his tombstone--He Kept The Peace, birth to death, amen.
Alice Miller is right. You must SEE that you were not loved or not loved enough to care a damn.
I SEE it.
I could not see my father.That was what my dream was telling me. My friend said my Father was the stealth bomber, oh yeah.
Today at the drinking group I was talking about FOO patterns such as marrying ten alcoholics and blaming them . Forgive the hyperbole.
Two girls nodded and seemed interested but the conversation bombed like a helium balloon that ran out of air , Most people can't deal with this stuff.It is "Hey ,have a drink ." Whitie is noticing a tolerance to alcohol. Whitie is gonna cut down.
Whitie wants to live for the first time in a long time.
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Mother's Face
My mother's face is like the picture of Dorian Gray. He got younger.She got more gross. I hate to say it that way but it is true. She gets more " hit over the head with a brick "looking as I SEE her. How could I have trusted her?
Without my father, I would have thought she was an idiot. She hurt me to Kingdom Come but I KNEW she was an idiot.
Do some parents teach you that you should love yourself , that you matter?
My F told me to conform to the N, conform to the N, do it, do it like a crazy voice telling you to pull the trigger on yourself.
That is the part in my story to which I was blind.
His words were a suicide bomber in my brain--Just do it!
I did.
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Whitie is maniacally writing. It is embarrassing but you can't save your face AND your ass at the same time. I tried saving my face and it didn't work so now I am trying the other end .
Whitie is finally learning about human relations. No one much cares about you even though to YOU, you are bigger than life. Don't people learn this younger?
People don't like a downer. One of the girls in the drinking group almost had a mutiny against her for being a downer.
People don't like her. What can I say?
She is not good with social cues, subtext. She talks about inane things and does not shut up even when people are trying to get away.
I am seeing junior high all over again. Does it ever change? From Kindergarten to the Old Age home, are we still kids?
Another big surprise for Whitie, there are a lot of "normal" people out there who are f##ed up. Mother was wrong about Perfect/Flawed. How long did it take me to see this?
Last night, Whitie was trying on a new persona, really her REAL persona.
Whitie had the cutest bag, a red and beige striped ,slouchy Prada, a silky spaghetti strap top ,close fitting capri pants and large gold hoop earrings .She was dressed like Blackie.
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Whitie had breakfast at the cafe down the street : feta cheese, roasted pepper, and mushroom omelete, extra feta.
She brought the owner a present: beauty samples in a red,silky Sephora bag.Blackies addiction is beauty samples.
It is a good addiction cuz Blackie loves to give unexpected presents.
Whitie is discovering that life can have good things like seeing eyes light up when they get one of Blackie's bags.
You can make your own beauty in life if you can find the doors out of pain. That is the key, the doors out of pain. Whitie is still trying to find them because there are so many . Once you open one , another surfaces but you never go back to the same place as before.
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Sometimes a huge sadness comes over Whitie .Helen said it best : 1000 mourning old widows in my soul. God Bless You, Helen.
I cannot believe I came through that long trudge, walked the miles, cried the tears, kept the tears within me.
I can't believe it was me .
People say,"I can't believe I got a disease, got in an accident ,lost a loved one. I am saying that,too. I can't believe I was abused. I can't believe my M has the face of a vacant zombie. I can't believe my F looked good but only when someone was looking.
When I was their child, they provided cuz I was THEIRS. When I got married, I was not their problem so "Who cares?"
Yeah, that is the story. They didn't really care and I couldn't face it--AMEN
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Where does Whitie go from here? She has some questions.
Some are:
1. What is selfishness?
2. If everyone HAS to be selfish in order to survive(dog with bone) what is too much? What is not enough?
3. When do you over ride selfishness and give and when do stay selfish and not give?
4.What makes a good person?
5. What makes a bad person?
6. Are really selfish thoughts OK?
7 What is normal shame?
8 What is pathological shame?
9. Do we always have the 5 year old kid inside? Is that just "normal"?
10 I think we do always have that little kid inside us and normal people know that. Is that true?
Number 10 is really my question distilled from the others. I think more normal people know and accept the little, bratty, selfish , egocentric kid in all of us and abused people think that kid is bad.
Well, that would be question 11.
PS This is not an invitation for "Just Get Over it's",in any or all versions. If "Get Over Its" were so easy ,there would be no mentally ill people. Someone would get the Nobel Prize. They would have invented a "Just Get Over It" pill and thousands would have left their mental illness at the door. AMEN !
.
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More questions:
1.When do you protect yourself, sometimes, never(BUZZ-has to be wrong), always?
2. Is it BAD to protect yourself?
3. Is it BAD to say "F off" when s/one hurts you, even if they only do it a little?
4. What is uppity? Is Uppity protecting yourself? (For me ,it is. Can you believe that? :shock:)
5.What is feeling too good about yourself?
6. When does normal selfishness become N?
7 Am I BAD like my M said?
8. Are all people BAD?
9 Are all people selfish?
10 Do you just have to accept BAD as the human condition( the Fall)?
Questions,rhetorical, answerable. I am afraid they are only answerable with the heart, your own. That is the icky part and maybe the good part. Your heart has to tell you .
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Whitey has asked so many people questions like "How do you live life?",simple questions.
Whitey has gotten many answers but never got better.
Maybe, emotional illness is just being out of whack with what is real, in yourself and the outside world. Maybe, that is why a shrink is called that: it shrinks the distortions to normal.
My two normies say,"That is just human nature."
Maybe , that is the answer to all these questions.
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Blackie died at 14, really became moribund. She could come out in times of need but it had to get bad and who wants that?
Blackie knew she was OK.
She didn't need to ask 1000 questions.
IF Blackie thought it, it was. Blackie did not have to look around to KNOW what she felt, she FELT it.It was enough.
Blackie made a simple decision. Someone else's life has nothing to do with me. If s/one is smarter, prettier, more talented,so what? I am me and I am cool as I am.
Whitie still has questions, though. She is not ready to turn the ship over to Captain Blackie who is looking smashing in the Captains hat. No, Whitie is cautious and that ain't all bad.
Whitie is ashamed and embarrassed to be writing these lists. She thinks someone will say,in her M's voice,"GET OVER IT." Maybe people want to.Maybe, THEY are the screwed up ones who can't let a person cry when their heart is broken. Ever think of that?
Maybe, the screwed up one is the "Get over it"one and the healthy one is the crying one?
Could be, Could be,Could be.........
Anyway, enough of that and on to more lists.
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If a person protects THEMSELVES first , are they BAD?
If a person does not help other people's emotions,are they BAD?
If a person does not help s/one who just put their foot in their mouth, are they BAD?
If a person's world revolves around them ,first, are they BAD or is that just how healthy people are?
I think Blackie would answer Yes to the last one but Whitie has reservations.
Steve would get this post. He wrote about being your own universe. That is what I am saying, Steve. You have to be your own universe. Isn't that what being centered is?
I am tired of being s/one else's universe. Mine is kind of neat when I can find it?
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My guitar teacher gives me the answer about "Get Over it". He says ,"It is NOT for any person to tell another to get over it. Only God can fix. People can support and if they can't, they should leave."
My guitar teacher, normie. I love him! Whitie/Blackie
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Who care's about people that say "get over it" ? I think this "get over it" thing is trolling. A person looking to start a conflict.
I think if a person has not "gotten over it" it means that there is still a wound there.
I told myself to "get over it", I made myself get over it. My life moved on and looked different and I had fun for a while but I only COVERED UP the wound with a bandage of fun. The wound did not heal under this bandage.
My wound was reopened. Now I'm trying to heal it rather then merely bandaging it up so other people don't have to see me bleed.
I'm bleeding all over with my wounded emotions and I'm ok with that.
OK, If my toe was cut off in a lawn mower accident and I yelled at my own toe "GET OVER IT". Would that make any sense?
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You have to find your own way.
Whitie needs to be Whitie. Blackie needs to be Blackie.
That is their quest.
You sense of self has to be in you and God, the core of it anyway. You can love a few people you hand pick but the rest cannot matter.
That has to be a fundamental way to live life.
It has to be. It is a law of life, I think.
You have to stay centered in you,not pulled this way and that, to trust yourself, your heart, your soul, your instincts. You belong on this earth ,as you, cuz God made you and that is the last word, AMEN.
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Ok, Ami, I still see open books with blank pages. I always see these.
You own them if you want.
You own the writing room if you want. The pen is yours.
Maybe the pen is black and white with zebra stripes? Or Dalmatian print? Maybe it is a plain bic? Maybe it is gold plated?
The pages maybe they are marbled on the edges.
Maybe your dog is lying at your feet in your writing room, maybe the dog has it's head resting in your lap?
Maybe your dog talks to you in your writing room, maybe he/she tells you to keep writing.
Who knows maybe Mother Teresa is there sitting in the corner of the writing room so that you don't have to be her?
Maybe your shoes are off and you have a lawn growing in your writing room and your feet are in warm mud.
Maybe you have a cozy grandma-blanket around your shoulders.
Maybe there is a skylight and you can look up through the ceiling and see stars and the night sky.
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(((((Helen))))))
Ami
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Ami,
I can see you trying things out, questioning, making progress, socializing with your 3-D group. Checking out your own life, getting to know yourself better. I see you working on important pieces of your essential self in your posts. I see you still making music despite all the stuff you have been through.
I suspect you are stronger then you know.
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Thank you Helen. You can see me and I appreciate that . Ami
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Values
N's hate beauty and sweetness, babies, puppies, love, warmth, kindness,. They like to take innocence and write big,black marks with indelible ink all over it--BAD, BAD,BAD
Whitie wanted to be good and moral and still does. Is that stupid? too innocent?
Is it stupid to want to have integrity and character? Maybe ,it is stupid.Maybe, it is stupid for an adult to want that.
My M's worse smirk was when I wanted that. Does that make sense?
She deserved the biggest, baddest, most whorey girl.
I know some girls in junior high who should have been her D. They would have punched her in the face for the smirk and the rest of it, big ,bad, black leather jackets,wild, not taking any shit. That is what Blackie wants to be in a refined version.
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The Dorian Gray face hits a new level of grossness. Whitie almost can't stand it, the blank, dull look , the smirk.
When she was younger and healthier she could see it and as she got sicker she couldn't .
It is gross ; a pile of snacks writhing ,piled up, hundreds, squirming.
You want to exorcise it from your system with drinks, drugs, shopping,anything not to see it .
When Blackie was around, Blackie KNEW this. That is why she was strong. She had to be for God's sakes.
Whitie wonders if she will ever get over this, pain in piles like the snakes, piles and piles. What Whitie wants is simple.She wants to love herself, trust herself, have a few people to love ,who love her. Is that too much?
It doesn't sound like too much but it feels insurmountable , going up the mountain in a run down car, sputtering, dying : praying to make it go a few more miles.
By the grace of God, you get over an NM.Maybe, you don't.That is possible, very possible.
Maybe the hope for orphans of NM's is only in the next dimension.
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Whitie feels better , today . Yesterday had lots of emotion, lots of SEEING. Denial is the opposite of SEEING but SEEING is very,very hard.
That is why people stay in denial, drinking themselves to death, drugging , weighing 500 pounds, shopping to the poorhouse, going in to debt ,houses, cars, too many wives ,lovers, running, running ,running ,more, more, more.
It is pain : raw ,hard,unrelenting pain.
People in denial want to push you back :push, hard, shove, hurt,hurt,hurt have to,have to,have to. They can't SEE or they will fall apart. Ain't that the point? You have to fall apart or stay forever in the no man's land between reality and fantasy(and not a good fantasy,mind you)
I am not out, yet, not nearly.
Money can't buy you getting out of denial. I wish it could. Clothes, make-up, bags, shoes, the rest, can't buy you what you need.
Yes, by the grace of God you can heal from abuse and that is about it .
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Whitie's H is gone for the day. He is not her problem. She has been dumb. She really thought a person could make it OK. It is stupid if you dissect it. You are with yourself 24/7. How can s/one come in and make it all better?
We are sold a bill of goods with that one.
She believed it with all the other dumb beliefs that are yet to surface.
The hard thing is that the beliefs surfacing hurt like Hell.
If they stay buried they make you weird. If they come up, they hurt. Pick your poison.
Whitie would rather heal . God sends people to help or it would be impossible. Even Alice Miller says you need friends along the way.
Pick them carefully and don't worry about the rest.
Your friends are Divine.
It took Alice Miller 20 years to find an Enlightened Witness so how rare is that?
An internationally known therapist took 20 years to find one person to walk next to her in her healing process.
There are an abundance of people trying to detract.That goes without saying.Most try to hurt you for their own purposes, probably to keep themselves safe.You have to read between the lines.
It must be life. Another lesson to add to the next list, which will be "Life Lessons Learned Too Late."
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Maybe, people are ONLY hurting you with the denial you have about yourself.If you say,"Yeah, I am...........",who can hurt you?
Your freedom is in knowing yourself.
You want to look for the answers outside ,in approval, accolades, pats on the back, pats on the ass . What does it bring you?
Another day of needing the same--on and on.
Knowing yourself. It's simple. I try to have everything in order, the cabinets, cupboards, me, so nothing will hang out.
It is a metaphor for my life. I am all dressed up but worrying ,endlessly, if my slip is showing.Yes, running from the shame, jogging, sprinting, galloping, looking behind to see if the bugger is following me and he IS. Damn it, *I* have to face it or other people can hit me over the head with it whenever they damn please.
Whitie is gonna think of all the things she is ashamed of and try to own them. Maybe , that will be her next list. That will be a hard one, bringing the darkness in to the light.
They must do the fifth step in AA to bring up the shame so it does not torment people to drink again, dark corners whispering . "You are worthless, , selfish, bad, did awful things, had awful thoughts, had awful desires, satisfied awful desires, bad,bad,bad drink, drink, drink.
Yes, that has to be why . It torments everyone to some degree or another, I would think. I only know me ,so it is hard to generalize but I bet we each have our shame space.
Whitie is gonna do that later. Write all the things she is ashamed of, even the scary ones.
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Whities Wish List
1. Respect yourself If Whitie could ask herself ,"Do I respect myself?" and the answer would be yes(most of the time), she would be happy.
2.Never compare yourself to others : know that their path is different. It might look better or worse but cannot be judged by human wisdom. That is an impossibility. You can not even judge your own ; try to follow God,as best as you can.
3 Love yourself cuz God made you,not because you have this or that or don't, just because you are His.
4 Perfectionism has to go. However you can make it go, you have to try because it is a killer of life.Whitie gets a D plus :?
5 Find your child and let it come out. It is beautiful. Let it laugh, cry,hurt, wonder ; share it with someone else. It is magical.
6 Have an adult self to protect you. Whitie gets a D plus ; work still in progress :?
7 Try to see that others are struggling with their self esteem , too. It is not just you.Even the people who have it "altogether" struggle with feeling good enough.
8 Lend hands to others.When someone needs you, try as best as you can to be there. It is hard when you want to please and can't say no but still worth doing. Whitie gets a C minus in keeping boundaries in place.
9 You have to own yourself. Life won't work if you don't. White gets a D plus.
10 Try to come to some peace that it is NOT selfish to learn to navigate your own life. It is good not bad. This is Whities hardest one and current struggle. Can't grade it cuz it is too depressing :shock:
11 Maybe you can never really do any of them.Maybe, the pluses and minuses will work themselves out in the life to come. It will get thrown up, tossed like confetti, come down and all be OK.
12 Maybe ,if you factor eternal life in to it, it is all OK .
Whitie feels at peace after writing this. Maybe, it IS all OK. Her M would tell her she is being uppity, writing such a list as if Whitie could DARE hope to have a life like that
Whitie ,"Who do you think YOU are to want to be someone, confident, self loving, self respecting?" Her M would be smirking the smirk, having the face, grimacing the grimace. Whitie can say F##k you, now. She can. F##k you. AMEN
Whitie sees that list and realizes how much pressure she puts on herself to be better, better, better .There is no destination, only a race you can never run fast enough. Better, better, better, your house is a mess, you are not normal, you don't have enough friends, you have a shitty marriage,you never made it in a career, better, better, better.Can you make it stop? :shock:
Whitie is going to a religious retreat next week on God's love. Whitey needs it in high ass doses. Whitie has hope. She is going to the Man, after all.
He is the ultimate one . The NM is an ant compared to Him, right?
The NM is BIG, grant it, bigger than life, but there is someone bigger. Whitie is taking her problems to the top.
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Everything Is There For a Reason
If you are depressed, you have a reason to be. If you are scared to death at the dentist, you have a reason to be. If you can't go out in a crowd, you have a reason for that
The reason is NOT that you are a piece of shit :shock:
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Oh I thought I was being too wordy and erased it. I will write it again.
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This is Alice Miller.
There are ingredients for getting sick and ingredients for healing. The ones for getting sick are being told lies and punished if you don't believe lies,having to deny what you see, feel , hear, having guilt walloped at you for normal feelings, desires and thoughts, not being allowed to have a self : ANY way that your true self is made to be thrown away.
The way to heal is follow your heart about what you REALLY feel and think, let your feelings out, cry, cry, cry with someone who won't shame you. When you do these things, it hurts like HELL. There is no way around it but you reclaim your true self. All this is a way to go from the false self to the true self.
Alice Miller's book Your Body Never Lies shows how people healed like this and it was a true healing not "Put on a Fucking Happy Face"
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Ok, some day I do Alice.
The thing is when I think about the statement "Put on a Fucking Happy Face" I genuinely smile.
Thanks for making me smile.
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I DID that for you ! :lol: Ami
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I knew that would make you laugh so I wrote it like that. You sounded like you needed a laugh ,today!
Ami
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Oh, OK!!! :D
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Whitie is gonna take a bath in Fizzie Balls she bought. They are perfumed with all kinds of smells. The lady did not label them which made Whitey mad cuz knowing what they are ,seemed like half the fun,but what are you gonna do? They will be Grab Bag scents.
Today, Whitie feels she dropped a load of some kind.I think it is some of the BADNESS.She feels like she lost 15 pounds like when you feel light and springy and put on a new dress.
It has something to do with SEEING her M and F. She didn't die. No one died that she knows of :what parents put on kids and unknowingly, too, mostly.
My H would have died for Scott but wanted him all to himself like a miser counting his money. He squished him to death with some crazy form of love, obsession, sickness.
I should have left eons ago but was too afraid.
Whose fault was it?
I wanted to be a good M more than anything in this whole world and I was making cookies while the house was burning down. Was that what my M did?
My F let me be abused over and over by my M. I think he liked that *I* got it and not him. I cried myself to sleep last night because I SAW that.
If it was Hansel and Gretal, he heated up the oven and the witch put them in.
That was a hard one. That was the one that made me the sickest. He had the face in back of his head, as Helen said.
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Oh, OK!!! :D
I think we have the same sense of humor :shock:
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Today, Whitie feels she dropped a load of some kind.........
.... It has something to do with SEEING her M and F. She didn't die. No one died that she knows of......
.... I wanted to be a good M more than anything in this whole world and I was making cookies while the house was burning down. Was that what my M did?........
... My F let me be abused over and over by my M. I think he liked that *I* got it and not him. I cried myself to sleep last night because I SAW that....
That was a hard one. That was the one that made me the sickest.
Sending Hugs
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Whitie feels many pounds lighter. She appreciates a place to talk and feel. Feeling is so much better than anything. She loves to feel with her little kid, inside.
It makes you sick to shut your kid up, locked in a closet, bad, bad.
I see my little Ami. She wasn't BAD. She was a kid : whiny, self centered, joyful, bothersome, happy, fun,loving, afraid, dependent,creative, curious, lazy, trying hard,not trying hard,sick, well. I don't think BAD is in there, not really.
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Whitie feels many pounds lighter. She appreciates a place to talk and feel. Feeling is so much better than anything. She loves to feel with her little kid, inside.
It makes you sick to shut your kid up, locked in a closet, bad, bad.
I see my little Ami. She wasn't BAD. She was a kid : whiny, self centered, joyful, bothersome, happy, fun,loving, afraid, dependent,creative, curious, lazy, trying hard,not trying hard,sick, well. I don't think BAD is in there, not really.
Upon reading this I think I feel my heart warming a bit and I tear up a bit.
Congratulations.
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Whitie feels many pounds lighter. She appreciates a place to talk and feel. Feeling is so much better than anything. She loves to feel with her little kid, inside.
It makes you sick to shut your kid up, locked in a closet, bad, bad.
I see my little Ami. She wasn't BAD. She was a kid : whiny, self centered, joyful, bothersome, happy, fun,loving, afraid, dependent,creative, curious, lazy, trying hard,not trying hard,sick, well. I don't think BAD is in there, not really.
Upon reading this I think I feel my heart warming a bit and I tear up a bit.
Congratulations.
It is happening for you, too, Helen . Ami
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Whitie is hurting, today. Last night,she had a stomach ache : all night tossing and turning.
Whitie is afraid, very afraid.
She is not enough of an adult. She lost her adult self at 14 and became her M's clone--Mother junior. She studied what her M studied,psychology, yeah there IS a joke in that. Don't start :shock:.
She did the same hobbies as Mother, handwriting analysis.
She tried to be a liberal, new age type woman like Mother even though she was not.She wore her hair the way her Mother said, short, even though Whitie likes long hair.
She was a clone so Mother would love her but it never worked, was never enough.
Now, she is a half child, half adolescent, non person who just wants to be liked ; can't we all just get along? :D :D :D
Whitie is frozen in time with Mother, the smirker of smirks next to her.
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You can't run away from FOO patterns or they bite you in the ass .Whitie is hurting today but talked to her friend who seems to have some kind of healing powers . I think it is SEEING. When s/one sees you and accepts you with all your icky warts, you accept yourself.
SEEING is powerful like magic mushrooms .
He said everyone has ALL of the emotions but Whitie beats herself for them just like dear old Smirker did.
Smirker hung over Whitie like the f##ing sword of Damacles looking for an unacceptable emotion and then lowered the boom, BANG.
NM's lie in wait to jump, like prey.It is just how it is,the lying in wait thing. I hate it.
It is what it is ---what can I say ?
If you know all your bad traits, no one can hurt you WITH them, cuz you can just say "Yeah, I know I have that." End of discussion. It always comes around to you and no one else, for better or worse.
My Aunt told me she wants nothing to do with my M. My M asked her if they could be friends and my Aunt said no. Why couldn't I have had this affirmation at 14? I just needed one person to verify my reality.
It is all Ego, all this mess. If you knew you were OK, loved, accepted,important,you wouldn't have to PROVE it to yourself and the world and that would end most interpersonal messes .
*I* have to keep making sure I am OK, over and over . I wish I could have the verdict,"You are OK" and be done with it. How would that feel?
How would it feel to have the fight over and the verdict unassailable--You are OK. You are loved. You are human but have a spark of the Divine . It is gonna be OK. No one can ever hurt the real you even if they hurt or kill the outside. It is all done and all right---- the Gospel.
A greater force than Whitie feels she is all right and so who is she to argue? She is gonna take a bath with Fizzie Balls and a bottle of Guiness Extra Stout
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You can't run away from FOO patterns or they bite you in the ass .Whitie is hurting today but talked to her friend who seems to have some kind of healing powers . I think it is SEEING. When s/one sees you and accepts you with all your icky warts, you accept yourself.[/quote]
Ami,
Bingo!!
I shared yesterday with one of my two favorite people. I was filled with such joy, and excitement. Like a little girl in a candy store, all this for me!
They know me, warts and all. Still I am loved, respected and seen. No pressure, NO SMIRKS (oh I know those so well..ouch), no upping, or downing, no games.
It feels real, no crazy making at all.
I have to pinch myself, take in all the possibilities. Having relationships that don't hurt, on purpose, with spite and contempt. I felt ALIVE to put it honestly.
Ami,
This thread is so special. I'm softly leaving with respect and awe of you.
No judgement, only love with sincere understanding of the depths you are going through. ((love and warmth, seasons))
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You can't run away from FOO patterns or they bite you in the ass .Whitie is hurting today but talked to her friend who seems to have some kind of healing powers . I think it is SEEING. When s/one sees you and accepts you with all your icky warts, you accept yourself.[/quote]
Ami,
Bingo!!
I shared yesterday with one of my two favorite people. I was filled with such joy, and excitement. Like a little girl in a candy store, all this for me!
They know me, warts and all. Still I am loved, respected and seen. No pressure, NO SMIRKS (oh I know those so well..ouch), no upping, or downing, no games.
It feels real, no crazy making at all.
I have to pinch myself, take in all the possibilities. Having relationships that don't hurt, on purpose, with spite and contempt. I felt ALIVE to put it honestly.
Ami,
This thread is so special. I'm softly leaving with respect and awe of you.
No judgement, only love with sincere understanding of the depths you are going through. ((love and warmth, seasons))
Dear Seasons,
I am so glad you experienced SEEING, with your friends. It is so special when you spent your life as an object for one N or another.You have the kindest , most gentle spirit, Seasons.Thank you so much for your comments. Love you! Ami
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The Dentist
The dental chair sits over the abyss and once the dentist sees how BAD Whitie is,she will fall in.
Her BAD oozes out and everyone says,"Ick" ,while they are running away.
Whitie then becomes molecules , dissipating in to the ether.
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Whitie's H really humilated her in front of her guitar teacher. Whitie is kind of numb and what the hell?
Whitie is kind of giving up stuff to God cuz life is flowing through her fingers like water. She can't control anything.
If people think you are stupid, BAD, whatever, what can you do?I think Whitie is ready to surrender.
Whitie has wanted to look good her whole life,good, good, good. She wants to just "be", whatever that is.
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Ami, I'm sorry to hear today was not a very good day.
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Ami, I'm sorry to hear today was not a very good day.
Thank you, ((Helen))) but as long as I feel my inner child ,I am happier than I have been in a long time . Feeling real when you have been numb ROCKS :D . Your writing inspired me to get in touch with the deeper me.Thank you, Helen . xxxxoooo Ami
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Whitie is SEEING her mother but can't SEE her husband. She gets inklings.
What good will it do her to get out if she is still hates herself ? She is a prisoner of her own head.She is the jailer and the jailed
She CAN'T SEE her husband. There is a wall.What is she gonna do?
The problem is Whitie can't SEE what is REAL. I know someone must get this. Whitie has to ask someone,"Is this something I should be mad about ?"
She doesn't know from inside like her Aunt and guitar teacher. They don't HAVE to ask.
Someone else has to say "Whitie you SHOULD feel angry" Then Whitie feels angry.
There must be a name for this.
Her Aunt and guitar teacher FEEL and ACT from that feeling.
Whitie wants to feel what is real, for herself. Does anyone get that?
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Whitie can't FEEL life. That is the problem. OK, we are coming to something.
Whitie can feel SOME things. She can keep her body safe, not be a trashy whore but her mind had to go to her mother for fuel so her mother wouldn't die or go crazy.
White threw herself on the funeral pyre ,alive.
She had no right to herself.White could only be a good girl and give away the rest.
This must be what shrinks want you to get , after you go for a hundred years
This is why Whitie can't get out of the marriage. She is not REAL enough.
If someone understands, please raise your hand?
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Pinocchio wanted to be a real boy.
I bet it meant more than Pinocchio didn't want to be wood.
Whitie wants to do Primal therapy They break you down in to little non screwed up pieces, you scream and yell, and come out new.
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Ami,
I understand.
Completely.
CB
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Oh Thank you ((((CB))))
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Whitie wants to cry .Last N, her husband demeaned her badly in front of her guitar teacher, Ray. Whitie was taking a bath and her husband was talking on the phone.
Ray told her, today, that he would never be in a marriage like that.I know my Aunt wouldn't. Whitie has huge sobs
and inside them are screams.
She texted Ray that Ray has his mind and Whitie doesn't. He said,"Yes, you are right."
He knows who he is, his worth.
Whitie is up for grabs.She was sold to the highest bidder with her pretty clothes and bags.
Many people have tried to help Whitie out of this marriage but it is NOT the marriage. It is Whitie. If her husband died, Whitie would still be the abused wife.
She would be an abused wife to someone else or to herself, worst of all. Does someone get this? An abused wife fits.
That is why Whitie is going slowly. She is inextricably bound in the fabric of her life. It is not just something that happened to her like the flu. She made it, maybe for her own dark purposes .
She feels ashamed to see her guitar teacher who is coming over ,soon. She feels small. She is just gonna say,'I feel ashamed".
Whitie told Ray that she felt ashamed that he saw her pitiful life. He agreed ;it was pitiful. He SEES .
Ray told Whitie about his maturation process playing sports, growing up,learning about life. Whitie could not learn past 14 .
She did not have physical abuse. She wondered why her mother never went that other step. It always seemed like she would . Whitie felt slaps and hits coming but they never did.
Maybe, welts and bruises would have been better cuz there would have been something to show but probably not ;she would have hidden them.
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God
It always comes back to God : Whities life in this terrible hole. Whitie needed to be there, in the depths, alone,crying, two babies to take care of, a laughing mother, laughing husband, laughing together. Whitie is a terrible housekeeper, ungrateful, doesn't appreciate the beautiful house and nice things, doesn't appreciate her husband going to work every day,husband working hard, Whitie ungrateful, incompetent, anyone can stay home with kids, easy, easy, easy.
Whities mother says,"STAY with him. He provides.What will YOUOOOOO do?"
Yes, Whitie agrees : less Whitie, little Whitie , teeny Whitie, almost dead Whitie.
Almost dead Whitie found the Board. Couldn't eat, way more than fashionably thin, mother was good, husband was good, Whitie was BAD, deserved everything.
Whitie loves the Board. Do you understand?
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Ami has to believe that Whitie is real, before White believes it - maybe. Messed up - yes (but not permanently); messed up but REAL.
Where is Blackie in all this about Whitie? Does she believe Whitie is real? Does it matter?
You don't have to answer; just posing questions to think about.
Keep going; you are doing well... just doing what you're doing.
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(((((Amber))))) Thank you.
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Whitie is sharing all these feelings and nobody hates her. She was supposed to be BAD, not loved,not patted and said,Good."
People were supposed to say "Whooooo do you think YOU are, Miss Uppity?"
Miss Uppity wanted values, character , something beyond existing as a boob , a stupid boob with a smirking face.
Whitie will tell you how she lost her virginity. It is a sad story.
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Whitie wanted to have values. That seemed the way to define herself as a person.Whitie enjoyed knowing when to say yes and no. She was starting to define who she was. It was her own power. She felt it in her gut; she was different than her mother.
It was a precious thing in Whities life : that she was different than her mother. She would repeat it to herself as a mantra.
She felt happy she was not a boob She had grace and hospitality. She was warm. People would tell her that.
Whitie's life mantra was she did not want to be like her mother. As long as she could SEE that ,she could be REAL.She stopped seeing it at 14.
Whitie is getting very tired with all these emotions so she may not be able to tell you the rest story of her until later.
Also, she may have to skip around cuz some things are harder to tell than others.
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Whitie wanted to study hard, go to college and have a life where she was a good person.Her GM said you could lose your good reputation easily and it was hard to build again.
Whities reputation was important to her. It made her someone. She liked herself for a time. She thought, I am good enough, not perfect, not the best, but good enough." That felt good.
It feels like a long story to build up to Whitie's losing her virginity but the history is part of it so what can I do?
Whitie had some aspects of good mental health but lots of nooks and crannies with stuffed in things waiting to pop. So, even when she was feeling good about herself, how long could it have lasted?
She will never know cuz her father pushed her over the edge and so the rest would be a rhetorical question.
I think you know how her father pushed her over the edge so I will fast forward to the summer before going away to college.
Whitie was gonna be pre-med cuz that seemed the best way to get her mother to love her, her father ,too.
Her father respected successful woman. His mother was a doctor and his sister a lawyer, in the days when woman did not do much.
So, if Whitie could be pre-med , she could hit two very hard birds with one stone.
Whitie decided she would study math for the summer. She was in her room, studying hard cuz this would be the answer to her dilemma's. She would be somebody, her parents would love her and she would be good on top of that. How could you lose with the deck stacked like that?
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Man, why did Whitie start this story?It seems interminable but the history IS the story so I'll get on with it.
Whitie went to college in Durham NC because her aunt ,cousin and GM were there.They were her father's sister and mother.
Her cousin,Wendy, was her childhood friend.
She and Wendy would go dancing at the Ramada Inn which had a bar with live music sometimes and a DJ sometimes.
Whities mother was laughing at Whitie for being a virgin . Something broke in Whitie, resignation, anger,pain, why bother?
She decided she would lose her virginity so her mother couldn't laugh anymore.
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Man, why did Whitie start this story?
It's probably going somewhere......just follow it.
Ok, I'm putting a paperweight on your writing desk, it's a handblown glass heart with swirls of color and flecks of gold inside of it.
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She picked the person on one of the nights ,dancing at the Ramada. He was the DJ. She decided she would lose her virginity to a guy she just met who was feeding her lines that he probably fed hundreds of woman.
When I tell it, it seems not to be making the point which was that Whitie stopped being Uppity
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((((Sweet Helen))))))))))))) Ami
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It was comforting for Whitie to look in the mirror and assure herself she was there.Miss Uppity was gone and Whitie wasn't a virgin.
Miss Uppity never came back, not even now.
Bad night ,tossing and turning. Whitie is thinking too much :her husband,her friend, her mother , crazy teaching, stupid stuff, why did Whitie listen, all bullshit. Ray never would stand for abuse, aunt either. Whitie hates her husband, feels sorry for him, feels sorry for herself, no one is gonna help you in life, got to help yourself. Going on trip, hard to eat, tries to control ,FEARS, FEARS, FEARS. Should she leave her husband, go with friend, be alone, wait to die, try to live.
Whitie's marriage: how much is her fault?If she gets out will she find she was the problem all along? Will she find other abusers? Will she hate herself in her own small apartment? Will she wish she had her husband back? Will she think "What took me so long?". Can she take care of herself without being crazy?
Is she a loser? Losers hate themselves . Can she stop hating herself?
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Your Own Power
Caroline Myss says that the stomach is the center of your own power. No wonder Whitie has stomach aches. Her power left with Blackie and Miss Uppity : leaving Whitie to run the show.
Whitie is not the managerial type and so you have what you have, her life : a sad specimen from what it could have been with a little more pride and a little more love for owns own being.
Blackie and Miss Uppity are not dead, just moribund. They have been dying for a long time and haven't kicked the bucket yet so there is hope.
Whitie respects them. Blackie kicks ass and Miss Uppity just knows who she is. Miss Uppity has a simple respect for herself. She is not aggressive,but if you mess with her, she will tell you to mind your P's and Q's . Most people listen the first time.
Whitie is sitting with Blackie , Miss Uppity and God : trying to figure out what to do. Next week is the trip to the retreat . Wait until then to figure out plans, no rush,have been in this hell hole for almost 30 years. What is one more day, week, month, even year?Actually,been in hell hole since birth . Find the dying girls.
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My Aunts Lovely Girls
Whitie's Aunt's daughters are lovely girls :sweet , no mental problems to speak of , simple clothes, designer bags but no logo's, Saab's or Volvo's, good education, Harvard, Columbia, Dartmouth, married men who respect them , in laws treat them well, have kids, have my aunt ,have each other, talk on the phone ,five times a day, travel to France, Martha's Vineyard, China, New York, book clubs,restaurants, plays, parties ,art museums.
Whitie is typing on a computer with a dog licking her fingers.Her stomach hurts.
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Whitie feels hopeless ,today, hopeless to change the old BAD messages. If she thinks any non perfect thought, she wonders,"Am I BAD?"Then it takes off on it's own, BAD, BAD, BAD.
It is deep like breathing.
Whitie has so many fears. They go around like dizzying whirlpools. There was little safety for Whitie as a kid.
If Whitie could gulp safety ,she would. She would gulp it down like a person trying to win an All You Can Eat Contest ; they drop whole hot dogs down their throats . It is awful looking, freak like,but the sentiment would be there : All You Could Eat Safety . Whitie would be gulping them down with the best of them
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Social Group
The social group is perfect for learning about life.
One girl is about to be made chicken feed by the others.Groups do demand a conformity. I think you always have to be ready to leave.
I made the point that my limit is 2 beers and if they don't like it F 'em. I don't want a Martini that will send me in to space.Don't ask me again.
You HAVE to have that toughness.
If not, life will spit you out like the cherries in the "The Witches of Eastwick":this scene is beyond, beyond.
People have primal natures---please? :shock:
Whitie was lost in some dimension where people were perfect OR BAD. They got moved from one file to the other when a flaw came out.
Whitie was BAD, of course. That goes w/out saying.
The chicken feed girl is about to be pecked out. I have been there in the past. No need to go there, again,but being on both ends does help, if you can manage to get out unscathed.
Yes, groups have their own psychology.
Scott told me that about the fraternity. Once he started slipping, some were gathering around for the kill. I hate to say it that way but groups are groups and people are people.
Whitie is learning it way too late. An abused person, by definition, has his/her claws removed. My aunt is a Lovely Girl but she has claws when she needs them, AMEN.
Claws
Lesson One on how NOT to be abused :get claws. You lose them cuz of guilt. You think you are BAD for wanting to be strong, confident ,love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself.
GOOD is being good to mother, forgiving mother no matter what she does. Mother comes first like saluting the Fuhrer, Mother, Mother, Mother, Heil Hitler. Go to the gas chambers unthinking if Mother tells you.
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Whitie feels discouraged. It feels like such a climb up from the BAD messages running over and over.
They feel like magnetic molasses soup, pulling, pulling, down, down.
My M thought she was BAD, a monster. She told me once.Can I ever break this?
I hurt, I just hurt. I was gonna ask Ray today,"Do you hurt all the time?" but I was afraid . He would have said ,"No, I am happy". Then, where would I have been--huh?
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Whitie is trying to swim upstream in molasses soup. I think it is demons.
Demons whisper, taunt :you are bad, it will never get better, why try?, you are too screwed up, look at YOUR horrible mother ,do you think YOU can ever get over it,you are a fake, you act nice but you are BAD, ,way down deep you are BAD, you know it, don't try to be uppity when you are BAD, don't be a big PHONEY, come on, come on, you are different than other people, you are BAD, don't let them find out, hide, hide, hide. Do you want to be HUMILIATED?
This is my head :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Sending a hug.
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Thank you Helen !
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About To Be Pecked Girl
Ann is cruising for a bruising cuz she is too needy for group consumption.
It gets me thinking about neediness. People just don't like it. It goes against something primal.
My friend told me the chickens will peck a bleeding one to death
Whities reason for being in a group is to learn.
The drinking group is a good place to start cuz it seems to have most of dynamics Whitie is deficient in.
One of Whities first lessons is about pecking.
Whitie is smart about some things. She got an e book on human relations. It helped. Social skills are an actual thing not someone blowing air ( I mean smoke)up your ass.
Where am I going with this?
You will probably get pecked if you don't have a good sense of self, or at least be able to fake it. Who teaches people these things? Does anyone actually learn them from a parent or is it all by the school of hard knocks.
If you know the answer, please raise your hand.
Subtext
Ann gets a D in subtext. Can a person learn this? Seriously :?
Male/Female Lessons
There are male/female lessons, too, but those are not Whitie's most needed area so I will save those for later.
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SEEING my mothers face is the key. It hurts so badly you could crumble on to the floor.
I wanted her to be OK. I wanted her to love herself. I didn't want her to be sick. I will never have her there b/c she isn't. If I died a million deaths, I couldn't bring her back from some place, wherever she is.
I am mourning for my mother, Where is she? : maybe trying to swim up from deep water and can't. I want my mother to swim up.Please Mommy.Could you please swim up before it is too late?
She can't see me even if I am everything she always wanted.
She goes after me like prey: eyes watching. It is me, Mommy, your baby.
Why do you have to wound me?
I am the BAD from her and she hates me. I feel the hate and don't know what to do. I am drowning,too.
I want to swim up but I can't. I want to scream, "HELP " but it comes out crazy gobbledy--goop .
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Whitie feels better after crying tears of 1000 old mourning widows. ( Helen's creativity :D)
Whitie is seeing what every shrink saw. She was enmeshed with mother.She was the last to know like the proverbial affair.
Maybe, shrinks told her REAL things but she was too dumb to accept them. Maybe, it is not hard to see at all, Whitie was just blind.
Whitie was the three monkeys--Hear no Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil. Her paternal grandmother always had several of the monkey statues . Whitie didn't know what they meant and thought they were a little creepy but now Whitie gets it----denial.
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Whitie was crying for help in all her crazy combinations and permutations of neurotic symptoms. Whitie was not just an asshole.
Do you want her to fake it so YOU can feel good?
She did fake it for decades but faking doesn't work. It is a physical law : one of the thermodynamics ones You just can't push energy down, compress it, perfume it, put a smile on your face and do community service. It SLIPS out. Come on, wake up.
FOO trumps, whether you like it or not. Your body and mind know. You act out what you won't face, over and over and over.
I see it in people now that I am waking up. I tell them about FOO and their eyes glaze over. Who wants to face this stuff?
You need someone to love you, whoever that person is, friend, mother, grandmother,aunt, coach, priest, therapist, teacher,rabbi,lover , God. You have to feel loved,for the deep inside "you" : not the powdered pretty one.You have to be loved for the unacceptable one : that is it, your dirty,rotten, inside self which you KNOW exists but you don't want anyone else to see.Your person has to see it and love you still. That is my experience.
This must be what mirroring is, in a long, wordy layman's definition.
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I just answered a question I have had for a long time. You know those guys who can get every woman to fall at their feet? I think their magic is they seem to SEE you,even if they don't.
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Doesn't ANYONE know how to do life :? ?
Whitie tried to find the perfect people and take a tutorial.
If you are a perfect person and want to take a BAD person and tell them how to live, please contact Whitie.
If there is NO perfect person out there, do *I* have to figure out how to navigate life with my own head ?If the circuits were not cut that might be ok but when you don't have the head hooked up with the heart and have a thousand BAD messages, you are not in any shape to run your own life. That presents a problem :shock:.
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Whitie is overwhelmed. She is going on a trip, her friend is moving down.She TOLD you she does not know how to do life.
Whitie is in a pickle.
Whitie is seeing all these yucky things about herself.
Why didn't anyone tell Whitie that you have to take care of yourself ,in this life. Whitie thinks if she gets babyish enough someone will take care of her. It is truth. What do you want? I know it sounds bad.
She didn't have the luxury of learning simple life tools cuz she was trying not to go insane, OK?
The novacaine is wearing off of Whitie's numb and she feels awful.
Whitie needs prayers, if anyone is a praying person. Whitie had to get so low to find God and now she is there, low.
Whitie is about 13, emotionally. She needs to start from 13 and figure out how to navigate using her OWN gut, not NM's.
Whitie feels like the "About to be Pecked Girl". She feels so needy that chicken beaks could come from the sky and start on her right now .
Whitie thought if you were GOOD, things would work out. If you hid BAD way down deep and were a big smiler :lol: :lol: :lol:,then life would work. You would be liked, have good relationships, and life would be good, really.
It is not true. Life is so much more complicated than that.
Facing herself and life is the hard part. Her insides are BAD, but probably everyone else's are ,too. Why doesn't anyone tell you the truth? People are faking the goodness or if not faking,have a BAD right alongside it. I see it but can't GET it. I don;t know why but I can't get the connection from the head to the heart.
Why does BAD want to stay like f ##ing super glue? It is like indelible ink, permanent marker which is really permanent, can't be washed out by nuclear Tide.
If you know the answer, it is NOT a rhetorical question .
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Hug Kung-fu
Ki---AHHH! (Bruce Lee chicken sound effect here)
No but really, Ami, I hope you are OK, it looks like you are in a bit of a tizzy, very overwhelmed with feelings.
Maybe just take life one little step at a time?
Hug Hug Hug
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Hug Kung-fu
Ki---AHHH! (Bruce Lee chicken sound effect here)
No but really, Ami, I hope you are OK, it looks like you are in a bit of a tizzy, very overwhelmed with feelings.
Maybe just take life one little step at a time?
Hug Hug Hug
I am so scared,((( Helen))). I want to run ,screaming in my yard,"Does ANYONE know how to do life? You mean *I* am supposed to be the adult? When did that happen-huh? Where was *I* when that happened? Isn't there some training that is supposed to go along with this----seriously?
You mean I am left alone in life with THIS head and supposed to not be road kill? How do you go from here to there -huh?
I am numb, a numb person. How does a numb person do life? Where do I start? I have been dependent for so long. I am Dependency Personality Disorder, diagnosed by me.
If I ever get fully functioning, it will be a milagro. Pray to the saints. There is a saint for the fucked up,isn't there? xxxxxxooooo Ami
Ami
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Does any parent teach a kid how life is?Maybe, if you leave the kid alone to figure it out , he could.I think I could have rolled with the punches if I was left alone:maybe that is a pipe dream ,though, revisionist history.
Whitie will try to see life as it is. She is gonna write honest things that people might not like but no one really "likes " honesty in the sense that real life and real people are not always very pretty.
Whitie herself will be the first to say that she is not always pretty and that is where the rest of the story lies, I think.
Whitie has a BAD : everyone else does ,too. That is Whitie's third or fourth lesson from the drinking group. Whitie's mother must have really believed it : telling Whitie there were perfect OR flawed people.Even a nano flaw made you BAD. Your nano flaw could be in thinking or feeling. Do you see how I got so screwed up? Could Superwoman have endured this and stayed sane?
Do kids believe in good and BAD?
My kids would ask "Is she nice?" That would mean good ,through and through. I guess that is the childlike thinking, the through and through part, not allowing for shades of gray, subtleties.
I am good, bad, medium, selfish, giving, mean, nice, babyish, mature, sweet,negative. Can you believe this? All this from the Queen of BAD? Helen's prayers to the saint must be working. I guess we just had to find the right saint.
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Punishing Yourself
Whitie made the vow to be honest. She wishes she could keep the smiling face :lol: :lol: :lol: and make herself look good.
She is saying the mantra---You can't save your face and your ass at the same time. You can't save your face and your ass at the same time. Choose one.
Whitie chooses ass.
Whitie is noticing that she un-does herself i.e. punishes herself. If Whitie goes forward two steps , she must punish herself by going back a step and a half :maybe so she won't get so uppity.
Today, she felt joy about her trip and punished herself by eating the whole Egg's Benedict . When her stomach hurts, she feels Mommy is close. It is a ritual. If she can get sick enough, Mommy may come this time.
Whitie isn't the weirdest person in creation, is she?
We humans are very fragile, are we not?
Whitie is seeing how she punishes herself for feeling joy .She feels stupid for being joyful. "What are YOU so happy about?" She would rather live in her private cave than have her joyful face slapped.
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Punishing herself has a history. Miss Uppity was the one who said,"No Way, Jose. You want me to do thaaaaat ????""
So, with Miss Uppity gone, Whitie was open to all sorts of bad influences even if they came under the guise of beautiful houses, trips and clothes.
Whitie was bought, perhaps sold ,a long, long time ago.
You can't lose your basic pride AND claws and expect to be much in this world. You will be road kill and Whitie was.
Whitie had lost that part of her that put her hands on her hips and said, 'No"
Abuse is gradual. He doesn't send you to the hospital on the first night. He calls you a name, is slightly disrespectful ,perhaps. You can ignore it. He could be right.
You think of how your mother always said you were.........(fill in the blanks). You feel happy you have SOMEONE who meets some sort of criteria.After all, you know what you are, down deep : BAD.
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Today, Whitie was driving to the restaurant with a joyful song in her head," I am BAD. I am BAD"
It was a pivotal moment. She was touching her deepest insides and not hurting herself. She couldn't save Mother. She tried. She gave all she had of her life and Mother never changed.
If she built up Mother and made herself little,"Why didn't Mother change?"
Why couldn't she change Mother? Why? Why?
Does she have to punish herself from now to eternity cuz Mother stayed the same?
Today, if she called Mother, Mother would be the same: dumb face, dumb answers, general clueless idiocy. Does Whitie have to be forever looking for others to be her mother?
Whitie is tired of giving her self away. Why can't she keep it? Who says she can't?
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So, perhaps Miss Uppity could come back. She has to come back before Blackie does.. Blackie is younger. Blackie says,"F You". Miss Uppity has more grown up language.
Blackie is fine if you need nuclear but Whitie and Miss Uppity have to figure out what to use before they send Blackie out.Then Blackie can go for it . They will cheer her on : You Go Girl.
That is why Blackie wouldn't come first . It had to follow the proper sequence.
Miss Uppity is born.
Helen, we can have that party. It is dress up. I will have a champagne brunch with Eggs Benedict from the restaurant up the street.
Miss Uppity is born with much ado and fanfare. Life seems different. Miss Uppity is nice, has a smile on her face, is not confrontational but if you mess with her, she will let you know.
I like that about her.She does not have to get nasty, but she can if she needs to. Whitie respects her .
Miss Uppity is a respectable woman. She dresses simply, casually, is friendly, not overly effusive but warm, concerned with others, not cutting up their food or nothing(Blackie stop it!)
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Blackie is the teen. She has the teen's insouciance.Everything is OK in Blackies world if she can dress up, go out with her friends, laugh, and have a good time.
She is confident, egocentric(DOESN'T the whole world revolve around Meeeeeee?). It is embarrassing to say but that is Blackie.
She is what she is. Don't judge.
When Blackie was 13, she was standing in front of her friends house wondering HOW could a woman be abused and still stay .
That moment must have been prophetic unless everyone thinks that way.
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I remember Blackie's last party. She was dressed in a one piece jump suit, navy with red and white stripes on the top ,with her cute teen age figure. She was thinking,'*I* can handle what happens. I know who *I* am."
Isn't that something that those were her very thoughts when in less than a year she would have ejected herself from her body. There is only so much a mind can take before it fractures.
Ray and I were talking about that yesterday.
Ray said that you could die of a broken heart .
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Blackie was afraid to shine. "Who do you think YOUOOO are?" could come down from the sky like a lightening bolt and that would be very embarrassing, if not deadly.
Blackie just could not do it anymore. She couldn't have the carefree confidence, trust in her own reflexes and general spirit for life that she kept up until that time.
She was just too afraid and it was too much.
Does this happen to everyone? Perhaps, their Blackie just joins the other parts of the whole and comes up to dance, laugh, get zany , make music and to love.I bet that is what happens.
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Blackie is not ready to come out. She has her own timing. It is about safety. Blackie is under age.
Blackies mother hated her. Blackie was everything her mother was not. Blackie was innocent, loving, funny, self centered as teens are, confident, strong, assertive and had an identity.'
Her mother wanted to destroy her as you would exterminate ants, cold and hard ,with ant spray.
It is horrible for a mother to hate a daughter .
Her mother loved her, too, but it was so confusing as to how she could stay loved and not hated. She could never find the magic line to walk and always fell in to the BAD pile . Then one day she never could get back. That is how BAD started, if you were curious.
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Letting Blackie speak is very exciting. Life seems a little more fun , a little less dire. If Blackie can speak and is not BAD, there are all sorts of exciting possibilities
Blackie is very perceptive, psychic, really. She is. It is commonplace to her like seeing with your regular eyes.
Blackie knows things that Whitie doesn't . If Whitie always listened to Blackie , she would not be in this pickle .Blackie screamed at her not to marry her husband but damned Whitie took over and wanted safety, safety, safety so we ended up like this.
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Whitie's mother sent her a card. Whitie started sobbing . It is a card you could send to a lover about missing s/one from you heart.Whitie misses her that way, too.
It is a horrible battle, to tear yourself away from your mother .
I guess Whitie's mother loved her. On the eve of the retreat, Whitie got the beautiful card. Whitie would LIKE to feel loved.
Whitie wants to think she was loved but her mother was stupid. Maybe that is it. Mother just sees what she wants. Whitie was not a person.When Whitie said she was being abused, mother just said,"Poo, that Whitie." and then befriended the abuser. Could that be?
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Whitie realizes she needs boundaries. She has read about boundaries, boundaries , boundaries. "Stay away from my boundary" she would say and then give in the next second when someone would get mad at her.
So, she gave up more or less. She was never ALONE ,before. That was the problem. She was a Siamese twin with Mother. How could she have a boundary when the twin needed one, too.
The twin shrieked and smirked ,"Be independent." The twin was so big and so GOOD.Whitie had already turned BAD .What was she to do? Once BAD stuck on you, it was like high powered super glue.
BAD was like velcro from Hell.
The biggest thing Mother smirked at was dependency. The smirk could get going nuclear if Mother saw any dependency in Whitie. That was a biggie along with fears , needing love , being sick, and other things.
Whitie tried to be GOOD but things kept getting in the way like wanting to be hugged, talked to softly. Whitie wanted to hang on Mother : to have Mother big and strong .
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Mother would get to be such a weird-o ,though. Whitie did not know what to do. Maybe if she were GOOD enough, Mother would turn normal like the mother's from books and TV and her Aunt. She loved to go to her Aunt's house.Her Aunt had a smaller house than Whtie's big house but it was warm and cozy. Her Aunt did not become weird and icky like Whitie's mother.
She loved her Aunt who was like a magical fairy princess.
She wanted her Aunt to see how special Whitie was but her Aunt was busy.
Her Aunt had three kids. The kids were magical too. They did magical things like go on school trips when Whitie was too afraid. She managed to get out of things in clever ways. Things were too hard to handle cuz fears started bearing down on her.
She was always afraid something bad would happen and things would go out of control. She was afraid she would get sick, hurt,look bad, be bad and then what?
She never knew what to do so she tried to get out of any things that could cause problems.
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Whitie was always afraid to make Mother mad. Mother being mad was the scariest thing in Whitie's life.
She would cower and wait to see what Mother would do. It was always a grab bag but Mother never hit her. Whitie would cower and wait , though.
Whitie endured. That was her life, enduring.
Whitie developed early. That was all she needed with the rest of the mess but maybe stress puts your hormones in high gear. Whitie had 36 C breasts in fourth grade. Whitie hated those breasts with a fervor.
She had an elaborate system to hide them. She even wore a wool blazer in the summer when she played kick ball with the kids. She wouldn't take it off.
It must have looked wierd, a little kid stuffed in to layers of winter clothes in the summer but she only saw the need to cover, cover, cover.
She remembers her camp counselor, who had her same name, telling her to take the blazer off. She held to it for dear life. They let her wear it for softball, archery and the other camp activities.She wore it over the camp uniform, a white shirt and blue shorts with Camp Monroe written on them.
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Whitie is thinking terrible thoughts, too awful even to say but I think Blackie knows these things.
Blackie was afraid her mother was attracted to her, a lesbian. Blackie thought things like this were beyond gross like super gagging where you could never stop.
Yes, Blackie knew stuff and Whitie could not ,so Blackie kept it hidden. Whitie developed phobias that she has to this day.
She is so phobic that people laugh at her when she tells them. "Poo, Whitie, no way, Just DOOOOO it : whatever it is, flying, driving, doctors, dentists, trips etc.
Whitie is a freak. What can I say? She is afraid of everything or just about.
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When Whitie was in sixth grade, her mother started talking about lesbians. Whitie at least had enough bollas(look it up in--- Spanish) to tell her mother,"NOOOOOOOO, I don't want to hear about it."
Whitie rarely stood up. She was semi-BAD then, but not all BAD so she could stand up now and then and this was one of those times.
Her mother was just plain GROSS : seeing a dead body gross..Her body still makes a "Yuch" sound when she hears her mothers voice. It is a Yuch that could fill the air and the skies with a scream---YYYYYYUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHH!
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Whitie carries the YUCH with her, in her deepest stomach. She keeps it there because she is afraid it will come out and cause all kinds of havoc.
It is a lot of Yuch.
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Whitie took a 9 hour car trip and is staying overnight in the hotel.Whitie's stomach is having conniptions about the changes but Miss Uppity says "Everything will be OK if you have a basic pride and trust in yourself.Miss Uppity rocks,really
Miss Uppity can handle situations. She has a learning curve that Whitie does not. Whitie is kind of a robot. She can only think for herself under extreme duress and who wants to let it get to that ?
White is fat, dumb and happy. She gets hit by words and blows and just sits there.
She wants safety, safety, safety. WHO could respect that?
Actually Miss Uppity and Blackie hate Whitie. They want to overthrow her as soon as possible. She needs the serfs to revolt and overthrow her like Imelda Marcos. She has to go.
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Whitie, did you have ANY sense when your life was going down the tubes like Rome burning with you just sitting there?
I want to spit on your nice clothes. What was going on all around you while you were dressed up like a Barbie doll worrying about your hair-HUUUUUUUUUHHHHHH??
We hate Whitie. If we could stick a thousand vodoo's pins in her, we would. Letting herself be disrespected like that was a crime. How could she do it? How could she hate herself so much that her life fell at her feet like confetti.
Whitie kept trying to be nice when she should have gone Lizzie Borden on them.
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Miss Uppity died when Whitie threw herself at the DJ : Ramada Inn, Durham NC. She couldn't stay in a body that could do that.
She would rather be dead than be disrespected like that.
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Let me give you a picture of Miss Uppity. She shops Talbots : low heeled shoes, skirts at the knee, blazers, colorful scarves, natural make-up, no black eye liner or bright red lips.
Miss Uppity is a professional and handles herself as such.She knows what to say for the occasion, not too stiff, lest you get that picture.
As a teen, she learned to navigate life by trial and error. She didn't have to take care of a mentally ill mother.
She learned the hows and whys of life as well as anyone and they stood her in good stead as she matured.
Miss Uppity was wonderful while she was there. Whitie was more peaceful in those days when Miss Uppity could be counted on to SEE .
Miss Uppity and Blackie could SEE but Whitie gave it up except in life or death situations and not always in those, either.
Whitie is gonna go moribund soon.
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Today is Whities second day at the retreat, Some of these people have God's love like high watt light bulbs.
Whitie sees God's love in their eyes NOT like some preaching, manic people you try to escape like a police chase.
There was a small woman's group and they asked everyone to share(5 people). They were all kind of intellectual. Whitie decided to break the ice and talk about BAD. She figured that people did not travel to South Carolina from Mayalsia, Canada and,England just to be intellectual. There must be serious pain here .
After Whitie shared, other woman opened up.
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There are two new girls. They came up as Whitie is going down. They are Little Ami and Teeny Ami.
Teeny Ami just feels. Little Ami feels but can speak well enough to get ideas across.. Little Ami is probably from Kindergarten on.
Teeny Ami was from birth to Nursery School.
Whitie may not die but is not gonna be making all the decisions. She was a freakin bad pilot.
Little Ami had feelings: happy, angry, mine, mine,mine, afraid, dependent, fearful,, angry at Mother, hating Mother, thinking Mother was the biggest idiot who ever drew breath, loving Daddy, wondering why Daddy was always running away. Little Ami had warm loving people : Nana, Grammy, Aunt Sybil, Aunt Norma,Uncle Stevie, Nancy.
Little Ami was saved by the loving people.Otherwise, I don't think she would be here telling this story.
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Yesterday, Whitie had quite a day at the retreat. You could put it in the good category but it had a few times Whitie wanted to fall in to the floor and dig a hole to China.
Whitie is in a small group with 5 woman. The leader is a little clueless to be running a group on feelings :shock:.
She said, 'Now that we got our feelings all out, how about we go out to eat ?" :lol: :lol: :lol:
Whitie is getting the clue that there are not all Perfect people out there. Whitie was not the ONE who fell in to the circular file. There are a lot of screwed up people out there. Maybe, all of them?
Whitie does not know for sure but is formulating theories.
Whitie had an episode of big shame in the small group. Whitie was telling about Scott's suicide and her BAD. BAD is a big, scary topic for everyone.
I don't know all the in's and out's of BAD but maybe most people don't want to touch it with a ten foot pole. Maybe, the few who CAN touch it have dealt with it. You have to learn this stuff with on the job training. No one teaches you.
So, Whitie us bringing up BAD in the group . The leader has an "Oh , Shit" look on her face.
Whitie was talking about how she felt self destructive particularly during her pregnancy with Scott.
The leader told Whitie that she should be on drugs.
Then, Whities old messages from Mother and Husband,"You are crazy. They can all see you are crazy. They think God can't heal you cuz you are too much of a nut. You are one of the craziest who ever came here. They don't know what to do with you. The others have issues but you are crazy"
Whitie thought of her friend. HE would understand and not call her crazy. She belonged. She had a place in this world where someone SAW her and accepted her and didn't think she was BAD.
She thought all these things as her body was starting to go in to a panic attack .Her friend LOVED her. He LOVED her. She was LOVED. She quieted down b/c if everyone hated her, HE loved her. It was OK.
Then, she said to the leader," Are you telling me that you think I am crazy? "The point was that Whitie did not let anyone back her down. She came out with her truth and didn't let anyone take it from her.
Whitie stood for herself .
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Sending a hug. Hug. Hug. Y'all
I'm rapping you a hug. A good morning caffeinated head nodding, Hug whoah, Hug Hug hug Yeah Yeah Yeah...
I can't listen to rap and write at the same time.
Isn't it cool how powerful love is, being loved by one person can counteract so much crap from the non-lovers.
Love is a powerful drug.
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Sending a hug. Hug. Hug. Y'all
I'm rapping you a hug. A good morning caffeinated head nodding, Hug whoah, Hug Hug hug Yeah Yeah Yeah...
I can't listen to rap and write at the same time.
Isn't it cool how powerful love is, being loved by one person can counteract so much crap from the non-lovers.
Love is a powerful drug.
(((((Helen))))) I miss being on the computer writing our threads. I am having such a profound and special time but look forward to getting home . xxxxooo Ami
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Good stuff, Ami... sounds like you're having a productive time on the retreat, too. Good for you!!
An idea came to me, reading all about Whitie's bad & good & perfect people... I wonder if Whitie was mixing up "shame bad" with the kind of bad that goes against the 10 commandments, for instance? "Shame bad" can sometimes make a person feel like they are a bad person, you know? Through & through. But, even people who are essentially good people will sometimes do bad things - and it doesn't mean that they are "bad people"... after all, no one's perfect... everyone makes mistakes. And of course, God provides a way to repent and be forgiven even for the worst sins. Not even God thinks people are all good, all bad, or "perfect". Maybe even God has bad days?? :D
So I wonder, 'coz it just stands out to me, with "Whitie" and "Blackie"... if maybe there was a bit of what we call "black/white thinking" going on at a critical time for you? Absolutes... bad/good. They don't exist as absolutes in the world, I don't think. I think almost all things have good AND bad aspects to them. Even mosquitos are food for birds, you know? So that's a good thing about a bug that I generally think of as being "bad".
One of the basic parenting things you (should) learn, is to criticize/condemn the action of a child; not the child itself. But not all parents know this... or they learn it too late and the damage is already done in an emotionally sensitive child. Depending on the age of the child... or the persistence of this "habit" or manner of interacting with the child... it's easy to see how this could turn into "shame bad"... a feeling, a sense of, a "knowing" in the child that they are essentially bad. And each child who goes through this at a critical point in development... reacts differently.
Twiggy went through that; a very bad thing happened to her and she was shamed for it at a critical, traumatic moment... and without adult "help" to work through it back then Twiggy accepted the shame bad... and it "stuck", even though it was a hidden poison arrow. Didn't help that her mom sort of twisted the arrow every so often through projecting, either, ya know?
Maybe it's possible to teach Whitie that there is a difference between "shame bad" and doing bad things? Maybe Whitie can learn that most things aren't all good - all bad? And that people can DO things that are either good or bad... but that people are almost all some blenderized mix of the two?
One thing that I discovered by accident or intuition or trial & error, was that it was possible for me (now) to re-parent poor Twiggy and help her learn the things she needed and didn't get at the time she needed it the most. It was a big "mistake" for me to give up back then and make Twiggy "go away"... because Twiggy was a very essential part of "me". At the time, I felt like I had no choice thanks to my mom. I didn't think it was Twiggy's fault; I didn't feel she was "bad"; she was just a normal kid who went through a bad experience and needed a mom -- that she didn't have. So, I'm her "mom" now. It works out pretty good most days, too. Twiggy's growing up the way she should have back then...
... it's never too late.
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Thank you, Amber. There is some good food for thought there :D Ami
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There is another girl.
Miss Manners is someone who is asked questions about right and wrong.
That is the only function she has :right/wrong.
Little Ami has another part--Mean Ami. She was in the closet with the door closed. She is very BAD.
There is also Independent Ami. When she comes up, Whitie says,"Danger, Danger.
You can't shame her very much.
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Are you going to tell us more about the retreat or what?
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I love this thread.
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Are you going to tell us more about the retreat or what?
Thank you for asking. I just got home. I feel heart warmed that you asked me. I have so much to tell you! :D xxooo Ami
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I love this thread.
Thank you,Portia. My heart swelled that you wrote that ! xxxooo Ami
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Whitie just got home and had a cup of coffee--9PM but she had a headache from a 9 hour car trip. She was driving from the back seat She should have her own wheel and brake in case her H gets a sudden heart attack.
Whitie was listening to her H talk to her son. All of a sudden Whitie realized,"Oh Shit. He is crazy". Whitie wants to cry. Her H is crazy like her M.
Whitie may not be crazy anymore cuz she can see it :shock:.
Whitie wants to cry b/c she made the crazy people sane and HERSELF crazy. She wanted to belong . Whitie gave up her mind so she could belong.
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Self Hatred
Whitie had feelings of being BAD since she was young but they were not stuck like permanent marker. That only happened at 14 when she consciously gave her soul and mind to her NM and co-dependent Father. Her real self could not stay inside her anymore.
At 14, she merged with her M .
There must be a psychological term for what happened .Whitie could not feel or think for herself anymore. Her mother was inside her now and her mother waged war on the feeling parts of her.
Hatred for Little Ami
Little Ami had to be hated and rejected for Whitie to be a Daughter.Whitie made the decision to abort Little Ami . She was banished like a political dissident in a Communist country. The Communist Leadership was GOOD and the opponents were BAD.
Little Ami was relegated to the dungeons .
Little Ami had to be slapped regularly and punished for her stupid, uppity ideas.
Whitie's life ,now, was like white noise. Everything seemed the same.
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I keep getting off the subject of self hatred but once Little Ami went in to the dungeons, everyone hated her:Mother, Father, Husband and Whitie herself.
Problems were all cuz Little Ami was BAD. She was a bad housekeeper, lazy, unappreciative,incompetent and selfish. Everyone agreed.
That is how people stay abused :for all you"GET OVER IT " fans.
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Little Ami has things to say. Little Ami talks in feelings.
Maybe Whitie will give Little Ami a bat so she can hit people who hurt her.
Little Ami hit that group leader three times. How dare she lead a group on emotions and shame people who share? Little Ami batted her a few times.The other people respected Little Ami and told her so at the end of the conference.
Yes, Little Ami stood up but first she needed her friend to love her. Maybe, it is that simple. You have to be loved and seen to move up from the dungeon.
All the fancy words and theories mean nothing. Your face has to be held in the hands of love. When you sob, you need someone who is still there, at the end.
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Little Ami is overwhelmed by feelings, mainly sadness. Whitie forgave many people when she was at the retreat. The hardest to forgive is herself.She disrespected herself so much. How can she forgive that?
Her son died cuz she could not see the house burning down. How can she forgive that?
She is stymied here at forgiveness of herself.
Maybe if Whitie tells you all the BAD things she did, she can forgive herself.It is worth a try.
So many decisions about her marriage : stay, go, divorce ,would it help?, hurt, she had NO strength. She threw away the strong ones. She threw them away so she could be loved. Then, when she needed them, they were gone and all that was there was BAD, BAD, BAD.It didn't work;life didn't work with no strong ones.
Even at a Christian retreat, you have to be strong. You can't smile sweetly and avoid it.You need muscle.
Shouldn't I have learned this before?
How old am I ,now, to be learning this elementary lesson?
Mother put Independent Ami in the deepest dungeon.Independent Ami didn't know anything about life said Mother with a thousand watt smirk. Independent Ami had to be put in her place;she was way too uppity. Mother smirked and raged and grimaced and turned a thousand shades of red when Independent Ami came out. So, Whitie shoved her to the deepest dungeons, too. Independent Ami was locked there and no one knew where to find the key.
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HUGGG,,,,HUGGGGY,,,HUG I'm listening to alvin and the chipmunks music, wait no I'm not, that is not a good idea or is it?
Happy that you are back to the board AMI....
Ouch, my ears.
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HUGGG,,,,HUGGGGY,,,HUG I'm listening to alvin and the chipmunks music, wait no I'm not, that is not a good idea or is it?
Happy that you are back to the board AMI....
Ouch, my ears.
LOVE those Hugs . Dittos to you,Helen ! Ami
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Little Ami's leaving was why Whitie got abused.
Little Ami FEELS.
Little Ami's Mother fixed Little Ami good so her voice was a squeak and Whitie could not hear or didn't want to.
Whitie could not FEEL and marched in to Hell with both eyes open.
Little Ami loves to FEEL, even if they are icky or sad feelings. Today, Whitie told her H she had no feelings for him.
Little Ami said,"I feel ick with him". Whitie told her husband in grown up language.
Little Ami needs s/one to translate feelings in to language.
Mother told Little Ami,"Feelings are BAAAAAAAD". YOUOOO are BAAAAD when you have feelings. YOUOOOO are neurotic.Mother told Little Ami she was crazy for having feelings.
Little Ami thought she was crazy from 14 on.
Little Ami was scared to death of her feelings : danger, danger, bad, bad, you are gonna get hurt if you feel.
Then, Little Ami could not FEEL any more.
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Little Ami wants to respect her FEELINGS .
Are they like red hot wires? What is scary about FEELINGS?
Maybe, she would FEEL the truth about M . Maybe , that was what was scary. Maybe Mother didn't want Little Ami to know the truth about her.
Maybe, FEELING is freedom. Maybe a person who FEELS can figure out life. Maybe abusers can't imprison a person who FEELS. Could that be it?
Maybe, if you can FEEL, you can ACT. Maybe , abusers don't want you to ACT.
Maybe, if you can FEEL and ACT, you can direct your life. Maybe, you could be INDEPENDENT. Was that why Mother took away Little Ami's FEELINGS.
Maybe, if you FEEL, you have your own power. Maybe, FEELINGS are the engine to your life. Where can the car GO if the engine is disabled---huh?
Maybe , if you FEEL, you can't be manipulated so easily. Maybe, trusting your FEELINGS is a security. Maybe, if you are secure, you are not DEPENDENT. Maybe, if you are not dependent, you can get away from Mother.
Maybe, if you can FEEL, you can connect with yourself. Maybe, if we can FEEL and trust our feelings we can be intimate with ourselves and others?
Maybe, we will not be lost anymore if we can find our FEELINGS.
Maybe, being centered is being centered in our FEELINGS? What do you think?
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Whitie had some supernatural experiences at the retreat.Supernatural experiences are better than any other high,if you want to call it that.
She met an English guy who had the most amazing supernatural experience and after that his fears of life were gone, just like that, and never came back.
He travels the world, alone , and is never afraid.
What could top that, really?
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Whitie never had the security of a stable mother and so her whole life has been an exercise in finding safety, safety, safety.
How safe would God's arms be? How safe would your life be if God held it in His hands? You could never be dropped.
That is what Whitie is contemplating, tonight. It feels good, very good. It feels like Mother can go in to the background ,for the first time. It is OK. Whitie is gonna take a Fizzie bath.
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Was ALL this stuff Whitie believed just lies-huh? Could All the pain, trauma, unrelenting stress be from lies?
Whitie is opening her eyes to a new world : the REAL world,perhaps?
Take just one lie; there are perfect people OR flawed people,no in between. Whitie believed that .
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As a small child, Whitie asked ladies on the trolley, store, street, park ,everywhere,"Will you take me home and be my Mother?"
Whitie is still asking the same question .
Whitie asks and asks and asks until she is tired and bone weary and seems to get nowhere
She is screaming for help from her deepest gut. ""PLEEEEASE help me", she screams and screams and screams but on her face is a smile.
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The BAD is diminishing.It doesn't scream so loudly and if it does Whitie ignores it. Whitie does not take it's word for things like she used to.
Maybe , people take for granted being in their own bodies but to Whitie it is like a day at Disney World. It is free and alive to have YOUR own thoughts, not Mother's .
Today, Whitie went out to breakfast with 4 people. Life is different than what Mother said. She see's Mother's face. Mother was going around on a gerbil wheel with thousands of distortions. Mother couldn't make it off the gerbil wheel even though Mother had decades of therapy.
Mother diagnosed herself as PTSD. She paid her money ,got her diagnosis and stayed the same.
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Whitie feels so sad for her life with Mother, all the pain and all the pain Mother had. I don't think Mother could help how she acted in the larger scheme.
She was driven by dark things . Mother could not get out of the darkness. She tried ways that did not work. I don't know why she never got better with all the resources she had. Maybe, she could not humble herself enough. I think that is what it was.
She was too proud to go that extra step. Whitie had no resources or any that worked . Whitie was on the ground ,looking up with two babies depending on her.
She humbled herself .
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All humans are selfish and egocentric . Whitie just had the sword of Damacles ,in the form of NM, hanging over every feeling, thought and action.
Her NM wanted to get BAD off herself and on to whomever she could. Who better than dumb kids ?
BAD sticks like glue. It is a posture toward yourself and the world which is very resistant to change.
As Whitie sees herself , Mother's face comes more and more in to focus. She is dumb as a brick, emotionally. What can I say? I don't know how it happened. I don't think her M was an N cuz my Aunt is fine.My GM was not N like to me.
I think my M got pushed over the edge ,somehow.
I think extreme jealousy to my Aunt may have done it. My M stopped maturing at a young age, I guess.
It is a horrible thing.
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Yeah, humans are selfish and egocentric.
I also think people can get satisfaction out of sharing their lives with others, loving others, being in community.
Maybe? In theory at least.
Take care Ami, I'm gonna go chill by myself under a tree and read.
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Yeah, humans are selfish and egocentric.
I also think people can get satisfaction out of sharing their lives with others, loving others, being in community.
Maybe? In theory at least.
Take care Ami, I'm gonna go chill by myself under a tree and read.
Dear Helen
I think the a lot of the beauty in life is love shared between people.
Talk to you,later! Ami
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Whitie has to believe that a force greater than she is leading her life(and everyone's ).
God touched her at the conference in a way that she knew it was true. She has to hold on tightly to that as the days go on cuz old patterns want to come back. The old patterns are lies about how BAD Whitie is.
Whitie is human and humans are BAD, if you want to call it that. They have a primal nature which Mother said was BAD.
Mother had such immature ideas about life . Now, Whitie has to try to shed them like a snake skin and SEE with her own eyes.
Mother couldn't SEE and FEEL. Mother tried to be GOOD and PERFECT and love but she was stuck in a dimension of her own.
Mother wants Whitie to be sick so Mother can be the better one.
Mother loved her with all Mother had to give.
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The conference talked about love. It answered Whitie's question about loving oneself. It seems easier to love your neighbor but it is imperative to love yourself . Whitie is gonna love herself.
Last night ,Whitie took a bath with a Jasmine/Green tea Fizzie Ball.It felt good to FEEL present in her own body.
Whitie rejected herself in order to belong to a family. Whitie could never SEE mother or she would be banished. Everyone had to carry the BAD . Mother's emotional needs were first. That was the family rule.
Mother could never see her own face. That was a rule, too. Mother had to see herself as GOOD and you better be on the same page or else Mother got scary.
Mother could hurt you if SHE felt BAD. Mother had to be protected from SEEING herself. That was a rule. Mother was scary,mocking and mean. You had to tell her she was GOOD,GOOD, GOOD.
What could you do ,as a kid ? You knew something was not right but no one would tell you the truth.
Whitie held on to her mental health like pins holding a torn dress. If the dress came apart, you would be naked so you held it with the force of your being.
Whitie remembers trying to touch reality ,as if reality were a tangible thing. She would ask,"Is it real? Is it real?" She would look with her heart and her heart would tell her. Then, at 14, her heart turned over to the enemy and there was no more reality ; Whitie was a good German then.
There is something to Social Psychology. People function differently in groups. It is irrefutable. The group provides anonymity, safety and permission. The family is a group. Whitie's family was an insane group and Whitie submitted from sheer attrition of her defenses .
It happens. It is hard for Whitie to forgive herself. That is the hardest part.
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Whitie is a nerve ball, her friend, her H, decisions, choices, which way, what does God want, is there a right or wrong, does she see the right or wrong, her friend doesn't have Jesus, which way, which way,which way?
Whitie ,at least, is seeing reality more clearly. She has N traits, too.
She thought she was way more important that she is.
It actually is a huge relief. No one is really looking :shock:
People are caught up in their daily lives , revolving around their own orbit and that is how it should be. The problem was Whitie was revolving around everyone else's orbit.
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Why would Whitie have the one time love of her life and all these decisions. It doesn't make sense. There is a God and He loves her. Why this?
She knows the universe makes sense with God's logic.
Order has to be there if she is patient, trusts and has faith. God is love and He loves the orphans the most. Having an NM qualifies for being an orphan , close enough.
Whitie is gonna trust, trust, trust, take a Fizzie bath, have a Guiness. AMEN.
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Whitie seems like she is tearing herself away from M like pulling a band aid when it hurts like crazy . Mother and she were stuck like velcro from Hell.
She was a Siamese twin with a crazy person and SHE had to take on the crazy like the twin who dies for the life of the other .
Whitie has to let the two headed monster go.
Who would wish it this way?
Whitie valued family more than anything. In the Jewish culture, family is everything.
You just can't always make lemonade out of lemons. Sometimes, lemons are just lemons and that is how it is.
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Whitie wants to live for the first time since she was 14. She put on perfume and went out. It feels good to be present rather than endlessly cycling MOTHER, MOTHER, MOTHER, one station forever the same.
Whitie does not have to carry the BAD, forever and ever for Mother. Mother is not gonna die if Whitie is strong. I think Whitie made herself weak so Mother could live.
A shrink can tell you things like that but until you SEE ,it doesn't help.
Someone can't give you the answers from the teachers book.
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Whitie was up in the middle of the night, insomnia, but it was from happiness . Her friend has boundaries . Whitie never had a relationship with boundaries.She thought she was bad if SHE had them.
One of Mother's high crimes was having boundaries. Mother wanted Whitie's identity leaking like a boat with a hole. Mother told Whitie she was too dependent, thought like a child, and was incompetent but Mother was DOING it.
Whitie lived an insane life. Whitie knew something was crazy but she didn't know what.
Whitie got another piece of the puzzle. Yesterday, she SAW a girls motives with her own eyes. Mother never wanted Whitie to SEE. Whitie SAW a girl's jealously without thinking Whitie was BAD for SEEING it.
It sounds crazy, I know, but Mother's rein on Whitie was down to the cellular level. Whities thoughts were monitored by Mother, every one of them :shock:
I really can't believe Whitie can even heal with all this layered mess.
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Inside Little Ami is nasty and mean Ami. This is the BAD one. Mother said if you think or feel bad things, you are BAD . If you try to hide it, you are a hypocrite. A hypocrite is BAAAAAAAAAD.
If Whitie wanted to be gracious, Mother would give her bad smirks."Who do you think YOU are, Miss Uppity--huh?"
Mother wanted to make you spill your guts in some ugly and humiliating way and called that honesty.
There are social conventions and they make people comfortable. Is that hypocritical?
If Whitie does not want to spill her nasty meanness on the floor, does THAT make her a hypocrite ? Does she have to pay penace cuz she thinks and feels less than PERFECT things?
Does anyone get this craziness or is it unique to Whitie?
Are there people in the world who can THINK and FEEL without punishing themselves?
Whitie is so tired of this, so,so tired.
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Whitie MIGHT be coming out of this craziness
Maybe Nasty and Mean Ami is just part of all people. Maybe, it is what is called the primal nature.
Whitie is so tired, running from Mother her whole life, Mother, Mother, pain, pain, what to do, , BAD, tired, tired.
Mother is in her head, can never get away,always hurting , always smirking and raging at Whitie, always, always.
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Little Ami had many parts that Mother hated.
Mother hated Needy Ami, Nasty Ami, Mean Ami and, Independent Ami.
Whitie had to put them in the BAD box in order to even live, I think.
How could she be banished from her family ? She would rather die or go insane.
She went insane and almost died.
Whitie still can't believe it was that CRAZY. She lived in a nice house, went to school, lived in the same neighborhood her whole life( and her parents are still there), had extended family, family holidays, music lessons. How could all that normality have such a core of craziness?
Whitie wonders if she is making it up but it becomes increasingly true to her that her Mother was really, really crazy : her mother , the therapist.
Can you see why Whitie got so self doubting, self hating? What could she do when her outer world was so insane ?
Can you understand?
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Little Ami became BAD at 14. She gave up when her Father said her Mother was GOOD. She spun out of control and woke up as a clone in a Stephen King book.
She could not FEEL or THINK anymore.She was in shock.
She went in to shock at 14 and lived the rest of her life, up until now, in shock.
That accounts for the mindless choices .
Whitie forgave her Mother at the retreat . Forgiving herself is harder. She should have SEEN things better. She could not move in her own behalf, so many mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. How can she forgive? Her son died. He loved her so much and she didn't make the right moves. Once she married her husband, her fate as an abused person was sealed.
Would it have been different if she never married. Who knows?
Once you lose your SIGHT ,FEELINGS and ability to THINK, how could you really ever go in a good direction?
You are lost, lost and all you have is lost, too.
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She would have been BAD whether or not she married her husband. She is trying to go from BAD to REAL.That is the dilemma.
Her husband can't hurt her anymore.
Can she go from BAD to REAL? That is the question. Is it possible?
Can you really change, not just head change? We can all do head change. I am talking deep, heart ,soul, cellular, visceral, all that.
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Whitie is starting to get a sense of self. I think you cannot compare. My Aunt's kids had a wonderful mother and I just went out to breakfast with a guy who has nothing at all--family or worldly goods. So, am I somewhere in betweeen or is comparison stupid?
I think comparison is stupid and I think most people agree but do it anyway. Maybe, it is a struggle for humans to avoid comparison. When I was healthier I was happy with myself. That is my goal, now. I am OK on most things that matter so why not just accept myself?
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Whitie just ate a decadent breakfast, eggs, fried things, toast with butter. It is amazing cuz when Whitie came on the Board, she could hardly eat.
Her goal was to have to watch her weight and she is there ,now.
Her Mother was a fool,a simpleton, even though she was smart academically.
Whitie is totally on her own to try to make sense of herself and of life. She was neglected and when she had guidance it was "Who do you think YOOOU are?"
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Whitie can peep out from her hole. Her Mother is lost in a world of BAD.Whitie could not pull Mother out. Mother blamed her for that.
Whitie let Mother suck her blood and all the rest but Mother still didn't get better and Whitie was dying, too. It just doesn't work.
Whitie is seeing how life works in certain ways ; it just does ,whether you want it to or not.
It does not have to be as tumultuous and tormented as it is with an NM.
The first thing to get rid of is excess shame, It is a killer.That is Whitie's next step.
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Last night, a word came to Whitie--'"creature". It was a word about her Mother. Whitie had feelings of grief overwhelm her, grief and sadness but she let them come and felt them.
Whitie didn't feel as BAD after that.
This is Whitie's Million Dollar Question----Are we all BAD down deep? Don't be mad if Whitie has asked it a 1000 times. What can she do? Lie??
When she answers the question, she won't ask it anymore, OOOOOKKKKKKK?
In the old days ,when Whitie knew she was OK, she didn't need to ask foolish questions like this. She knew she was human .Her feelings added to her understanding of human nature- duh?
It was simple without the layers of BAD
The layers are cult programming .Once the programming is complete, you are lost to yourself, perhaps forever.That happened at 14 for Whitie. Prior to that , she had a tangible self. She thinks back on how wonderful it felt to feel REAL and THERE. Does anyone know what I mean?
Some people may be lost before they even get a self. Some people never lose it. In "The Primal Scream", Janov talks about True Self and False Self. When a person has enough assaults , he becomes a False Self.
Primal Therapy takes you back to your True Self.
Whitie would go ,if she could fly :shock:
Alice Miller says you can find your True Self by following your heart. She did Primal Therapy and thinks it is good but can be dangerous,too. Primal Therapy strips off your defenses,fast.
People have freaked out.
Alice says your defenses will come off slowly, if you follow your heart.
Whitie is not out of the hole yet, so will reserve judgment.
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What do you do when your Mother is a creature? Many Board members KNOW what this is like. We are a small group, perhaps ,but we have each other, Thank Goodness. Thanks to Dr G.
I would never known what N was.
I just felt like I was IN a huge ball of horrible goop that I could never decipher,never understand. It felt horrible down to every cell in my body.
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Whitie has rejected herself down to the very cells.She hated her basic, primal nature. You can't live very well when you go two steps forward and one step back as your normal walking pattern :shock: :shock:
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Today was very hard. First, she saw that her M WAS a creature. Her F supported her NM with unquestioning loyalty---Heil Hitler.
Then(this hurts so badly I can hardly write) Whitie had an encounter with her guitar teacher. He told her that he could see her progress and he admired her .Also,he could see that her H blamed HER for everything rather than change himself.
Her guitar teacher SAW all of a sudden Whitie's reality and when he did, Whitie SAW it ,too.
It was strange, awful. She saw in Ray's eyes, her world. She saw how pitiful it was.
She saw that she WAS an abused woman. It was REAL.
Her H is not gonna change. He wants her back, weak and LOVING. He wants her to be loving. How can she be?
How did Whitie lose her soul, so?
How did she lose everything when she had so much promise back a long,long time ago .
Whitie became a THING. She is a THING.
This is the worst part. Her H has structured her whole life so HE is the good one and she is the nut ? How could she have become an abused wife, too afraid to leave, a pitiful person who can't move in her own behalf?
It is too much, being betrayed by everyone. mother, father, husband, son dying. Whitie just wanted to be GOOD. How could it have all come down at her feet like so much refuse. Her mind is not right to handle all this.
Her H was in the car, blaming her that she didn't love him. What does he expect. He molested her son and her son killed himself. She is here, with this. She is pitiful.
She is everything she always hated and she is it, now, all of it.
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Last night , at the drinking group, Whitie could not even interact. She went to another table and talked on the cell phone.H her whole life was structured by her H( and mother??????) for her to be BAD, CRAZY.She filled the role in THEIR play.
How did she stay like this? She believed she was BAD. That is how and why.
An abused person may protest about her abuse but she believes she is BAD or she would not be there,basically
Help her sense of self. It all comes down to sense of self. Whitie knows these things.
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Whitie had a bad stomachache all last night. Being strong and self loving was selfish. Selfish was sick, sick, sick . That was how her Mother got her.
Selfish was sick in some scary way like you were really baaaaaad. They all wanted Whitie to roll over and be road kill. At 14, she became numb, unseeing, unthinking road kill. No wonder she ended up here, repeating her role as sick and bad.
It is amazing how FOO patterns repeat like clockwork from Hell.
Her friend changed the paradigm , somehow, by seeing her :all the ick . There was a LOT: sobbing, emoting, off the wall and off the ceiling ick. Helen, he took my ick.
Someone can love you beyond the ick.
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In order to have Whitie's Mother and Father( the mindless co-signer of bullshit), Whitie HAD to morph . What could she have done, left home as a 3 year old ?
Whitie gave her life for all of them and that was what they wanted--road kill. If you were NOT road kill, they made YOU the crazy and BAAD one. This must be gaslighting :shock:
They did not Whitie to be STRONG. They wanted her to be impotent but kept ridiculing her when she was. Tell me how someone can be sane in this?
Is it possible? Was it her fault she was a nut, and a bad one?
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Helen, he took my ick.
Someone can love you beyond the ick.
Good Morning Ami! Hope you are well.
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Whitie was like a cult member, "All for Swahmi, All for Swahmi" Die for Swahimi, Live for Swahmi, Swahmi, Swahmi, AMEN."
The N family is a cult. Our role is the other half of the bombastic, self seeking N. We are the meek, mousy ,voiceless partner. It works.
If you have no self or little, you are waiting, waiting for an accident to happen in the person of an N.
Whitie stayed all these years, partly, from knowing that. She knew she would repeat. Who wants to repeat this? At least she was smart enough for that.
The LV(little voice) has misplaced pity. I always pitied my M and H. What about me? I don't pity them anymore. They want to destroy me. In what universe should I have sympathy for them?
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Helen, he took my ick.
Someone can love you beyond the ick.
Good Morning Ami! Hope you are well.
Good Morning, (((Helen)))) What a crazy fast speed highway my life seems to be on right now :shock: Ami
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Whitie has this inkling that maybe she can want good things in life and that does not make her BAD.She can want things for HERSELF. She can want good self esteem, to love herself, be kind to herself, good and nurturing to herself. Does that make her electric chair BAD?
Does her desire to be her best friend first make her BAD? Does it?
Who does she kill if she puts herself , first?
Imagine how it would feel to respect yourself? It would be better than 10 trips to Hawaii.
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Whitie wants to buy something decadent to celebrate her new feelings Her favorite pair of earrings are Italian , large gold hoops with tiny handmade cameo charms of different colors on them.She wanted to be worth one nice pair or earrings not a thousand junky pairs so she bought them.
She wants to get something else decadent : a Birthday present for Whitie.
Whitie has come out of a death cycle. Why does Whitie have to be the funeral pyre for her M, F and H so they can feel good.
Why does Whitie have to hate herself so all is right in their world?Why does Whitie have to lie on the road like road kill so they can laugh and feel GOOD about themselves, all together: her M, F and H.Ray said anyone would have gone crazy. Ray and my Aunt don't blame me.
Ray said that I was strong. Could that be?
No, not strong but maybe overwhelmed by too much hate.Maybe, I just flipped in to craziness b/c everyone who was supposed to love me hated me and wanted it that way.
Maybe, any human being would have gone crazy.
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Why does Whitie have to keep sabotaging her life? Why does she always have to defeat herself? Maybe, cuz other people want her to? Maybe that was the only way she could belong to people? Maybe, that was the only way she could have a mother and father and husband?
She had to take the BAD, like heavy suit, so she could belong, someplace on this earth.
As long as she was BAD, she COULD belong.
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Whitie's life is like a car on the Autobahn and Whitie is a freaking bad driver .
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Whitie's life seems to be accelerating and she is afraid. Whitie wishes she had parents who were a "home" . Do my Aunt's children feel they have a"home"?
Whitie feels scared. Life is so BIG and Strange and Who is gonna help you???
Do people who have good parents feel this way? I don't know. Is their insecurity so deep, so cellular?
Tonight Whitie is gonna take Fizzie bath and think that the God who made the universe loves her. She is little, an abused kid, insecure, doesn't know which end is up, but a very big God loves her.
God has a special place for the orphans and widows. Whitie is an orphan , or close enough.
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What would it be like to have a mother' s arms hold you? What would it be like to feel safe, to know you were home? Does home feel good to people. Do people actually feel like they have a home?
Maybe, it is a fantasy like the perfect woman or man. Maybe, a good home teaches you to love and respect yourself. Maybe, that is what happens. A bad home teaches you that you are worthless and need to hate yourself in order to belong, anywhere.
Maybe, if you can find your sense of self respect and love, you can be on a level playing field with those from good homes.
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Whitie is thinking that maybe she can hope for good things. Why can't she have boundaries, integrity: the things she dreamed of as a child? Who is stopping her?Her GM told her to be be a lady . That meant you were special . I don't think it is BAD to be special for real things.
Whitie got off track with Mother.
My M wanted a boob like she. Why can't Whitie be like her Aunt's girls ?
Whitie doesn't have to carry the family BAD so Mother feels good about herself.
Whitie stayed sane as long as she didn't have to be like Mother. That was her barometer of sanity:how different she was from Mother. Does anyone understand that? The barrier from sanity to insanity was how different she was . Then, when she was the same, she was lost.
Whitie doesn't have to take care of the world like a Mother Teresa from Hell. Whitie does not have to fix all the world's boo-boos or she is BAD. Whitie has to heal the BAD. No one else can do it. It is inside her.
Your BAD is YOUR BAD.
It would be so easy if a knight in shining armor could really take the BAD away . Under it would be a lovely girl, like my Aunt's girls.
Would my Aunt every understand how you felt too worthless to eat or breathe?
Everyone who was supposed to love me ,hated me. I flipped out. Am I BAD or just had too much betrayal? I made the decision to agree with them so I could have a home. That is what happened. Am I BAD for that?
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I am busy reading all the posts - this topic is very interesting. I think we all have a blackie and whitie within us and its an interesting journey to learn to accept, control and understand these extremes. Ami, I'm riveted with your thoughts!
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I am busy reading all the posts - this topic is very interesting. I think we all have a blackie and whitie within us and its an interesting journey to learn to accept, control and understand these extremes. Ami, I'm riveted with your thoughts!
Thank you so much ((((Ales)))) Ami
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Whitie is exhausted ,coming out of this hole, coming out of the distortions, seeing life as it is, seeing herself as she is. She wants to go to bed with the CD player on.
Life is spinning and all we can try to do is hold on to our hats.
Whitie thought there would be a Perfect Person who could show her the way : a perfect relationship,a time when SHE got perfect. Somehow, someplace, it would all work out when she got some variation of PERFECT.
Now, she sees that everyone seems to be struggling, with themselves, wanting love, being disappointed with others,disappointed with themselves, what does it all mean, what is it all for, why am I here, it all seems for naught,where is the sense ?
What can you expect? Peace in your own neck of the woods ,which is you, not trying to fix, make well, alter, have responsibility for another(unless a child).
What are you responsible for? What you do, not think or feel. You have a child within which thinks and feels like a child. That is how it is. It is not BAD. It is the make-up of the human.
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What can you have in life? Love yourself. You HAVE to get here. It is an essential for any quality of life. Respect yourself, honor yourse;f, live with an integrity you can count on within yourself.
Take what is yours, whatever your gifts and good things may be, talent, insight, intelligence, warmth, compassion, sense of humor.Take it all and make it shine so you can feel that you have expressed yourself to the world.
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You CAN have love. You can feel love for yourself(VERY hard when you have been abused,but doable, I think). You can love others by listening, giving little gifts, being thoughtful.
There is beauty in life if you can love. Love is powerful. Not all hope in life is lost. AMEN
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What is Soul Food?
I want to talk about Soul Food that does not involve another person, my own soul food. I used to feel I could fill my own soul before I had to start punishing myself in order to feel I could fit in to a family.
Soul Food was trusting my perceptions.It was honoring my conscience and feelings. It was trying to have a code of integrity I knew would be there from one day to the next, aspiring to be someone my GM could be proud of.
All these things fed me.
It was feeling like my life could be an expression of "me", not someone who "looked good". It was trying to learn how to walk in life so you could be true to yourself , first.
That cannot be selfish. I think that is healthy, right?
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Soul Food,
Sometimes I go to art galleries or I watch the moon morph in the night sky, this is some form of soul food.
It also seems to me that soul food involves other people. I spent years of my life being self-contained. It has it's benefits but it's not as good as sharing life with other people, in my oppinion. It's unnatural I think. Dunno, maybe that is not what u r talkin bout.
I'm gonna go find a willow to sit and read under BY MY lonely self.
I'm "sending" you a metaphorical cozy cuddly scarf out on the etherical thought-waves, it's really soft and snuggly, you can rub it up against your cheek, put it over your ears, cry into it, whatever. I don't know what color it is. Any color you want. Take care.
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Soul Food,
Sometimes I go to art galleries or I watch the moon morph in the night sky, this is some form of soul food.
It also seems to me that soul food involves other people. I spent years of my life being self-contained. It has it's benefits but it's not as good as sharing life with other people, in my oppinion. It's unnatural I think. Dunno, maybe that is not what u r talkin bout.
I'm gonna go find a willow to sit and read under BY MY lonely self.
I'm "sending" you a metaphorical cozy cuddly scarf out on the etherical thought-waves, it's really soft and snuggly, you can rub it up against your cheek, put it over your ears, cry into it, whatever. I don't know what color it is. Any color you want. Take care.
That is so cute! It is pink, my fave color ! Ami
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(((Helen))) I think Soul Food involves other people,too, BUT you have to have few or no expectations .Your expectations have to be of how true you are to yourself. That is the only way to navigate the world ,I think.
Ray sent me a text that he loved me and it warmed my heart, soul food, but I have to get the main nourishment from myself. Dessert can be from others. I have to give to others after I have loved myself
Whitie is gonna start to navigating the world as she was doing at 14 before she climbed under a rock. It is time to open her heart, her gut, her eyes, her deep knowing and begin to start again , where she left off.
So what ,that she has a 14 year old's emotional maturity. What the Hell :shock:?
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Whitie is gonna start navigating. That is good. Whitie begins where she left off at 14. It is not too bad. Whitie had a good life at 14: friends, activities, fun, hopes, dreams. She felt OK as a group of one. That is important. You can NEVER need to be in a group or you are screwed, right then and there.
You always have to be able to get up and leave. Otherwise, you could do things you don't want to do and go places you don't want to go.
Whitie needed to be part of a family TOO badly. Maybe, you can forgive her. She was a kid.Needing too much from a group was her downfall, even if it was her family.
Look at the Good Germans--'nuff said.
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Whitie feels excited like Captain Whitie---All Aboard--said with authority. Whitie is sailing the ship, or learning to. That is good. Mother is off on the shore---Good bye Mother.
Whitie is not like Mother at all, never has been actually. Whitie is creative and fun. Mother was a Science Major and loved the labs. Mother has everything organized and Whities closet would be an avalance if you opened it too quickly.
Mother has no sense of humor.
Whitie has great insight and Mother couldn't see a motivation if it hit her on the head. Mother is a therapist , as you know, but that is a whole other story.
Whitie is sweet. She likes that but she has been too sweet in the past and that is no good. Sweetness has to be tempered with hardness. It is just how it is in this fallen world if you don't want to be road kill AMEN.
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Yes, sweetness must be tempered with hardness. You don't need to wear hardness around as a badge but must take it out when neccessary. That is my quote---Walk softly and carry a big stick.
If you don't carry one, what happens to you, HUH?
Right now, Whitie is gonna take a bath with a Fizzie ball, have a Guinness Extra Stout and worry about her sailing tomorrow.
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Maybe, you have so little control of life. Maybe , that is the joke. You strive and try and yearn and push and grunt and struggle and none of it gets you anywhere.
I think it is that way.
Whitie wants to surrender, finally. She is not Perfect, not freakin near.
She is immature, selfish, self centered, egocentric and many more.
She is.
Mother was right but everyone else is , too. Mother was wrong about that.
Mother thought she and Whitie were the BAD ones ,only, or maybe a few other BADDIES .
Mother has her head up somewhere where the real world don't shine.
It is just about that simple.
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You have to have a hardness about protecting yourself. Does every creature need to learn this? Whitie was learning this and other valuable lessons when she was thrown off the ship.
She went in to shock. It was involuntary.
Shock is there so you don't die. It does not mean you are BAD.
Whitie is never gonna see her parents again. She forgives them ,in her heart,but when is enough enough?
Her feelings for her H are dead.All she wants is for him to go in to a hole where she never sees his face ,again. Maybe, she would miss him if he were not here.
Maybe, the joke is that SHE is the root of the pain, not he. Maybe, all this pain was her own and just seemed like it was his.
That happens, often.
The spouse dies and the remaining spouse is just as sick as before.
That is a joke like marrying 5 alcoholics.
FOO seems to chase you down like a bad dream.
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Whitie is hurting, badly, today. She is stressed out the whazoo, tired, shaky .
If she protects herself ,is she BAD? If she wants needs met, is she BAD? If she values herself, is she BAD? If she has a primal nature which protects herself, is she bad?
If she loves herself first ,is she bad?
If she takes care of her emotional needs, first, is she BAD?
If she has a primal nature which she listens to on HOW to live, is she BAD?
Whitie asked her friend about this. He says we all have a "snake-like" part which coldly assesses life. Whitie's mother put a knife in that part.That is the BAD , the part which wanted an identity for HERSELF,only.
It had to be rejected, killed,pounced , jumped and raped .It was left on the road,road kill.
Whitie's BAD became road kill and so did Whitie.
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Whitie wanted to have an independent identity. She does not want to have to make everyone else feel good in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
Is she a sociopath cuz of this :shock:?
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Whitie wanted to have an independent identity. She does not want to have to make everyone else feel good in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
Is she a sociopath cuz of this ?
NO
((Ami))
I read this and bells and whistles are going off all around me.
Ami, you again nailed it on the head, for me, I can see all the webs that I carry with me, each day. It is not the true me. I have needs, I should be able to speak, live.
It's so painful to recognise how programed we can become, the scars....they must fade, I have to believe that.
I want to be a bit selfish if that is what is called......."living in the moment with out fear of not being enough, good, always good."
Keep on going, your light is getting brighter as your truths uncover the old..... ugly lies, and abuse.
Thank you for this thread, I am learning about you and have the gift of seeing myself too.
((Ami)) love you! seasons
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Whitie wanted to have an independent identity. She does not want to have to make everyone else feel good in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
Is she a sociopath cuz of this ?
NO
((Ami))
I read this and bells and whistles are going off all around me.
Ami, you again nailed it on the head, for me, I can see all the webs that I carry with me, each day. It is not the true me. I have needs, I should be able to speak, live.
It's so painful to recognise how programed we can become, the scars....they must fade, I have to believe that.
I want to be a bit selfish if that is what is called......."living in the moment with out fear of not being enough, good, always good."
Keep on going, your light is getting brighter as your truths uncover the old..... ugly lies, and abuse.
Thank you for this thread, I am learning about you and have the gift of seeing myself too.
((Ami)) love you! seasons
I love you, ((((Seasons)))) Ami
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A little inkling is coming to Whitie. Maybe ,she does not have to reject herself. WHAT would life be like if she could be on her side?
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Whitie was always trying to re-do the past so it would come out OK.
If she got Mother and Father's love, could she magically become a lovely girl like her Aunts daughters?
She was a lovely girl a long time ago before she became the Daughter of Zombie.
Zombie, a.k.a Mothe made sure she went from lovely girl to neurotic mess. Mother hates lovely girls
Mother wants to smirk them away.
She says "If you are a lovely girl you are a HYPOCRITE, HYPOCRITE, PHONEY, LIAR, FAKE.
Mother likes you to wear your underwear on the outside: tell your age, personal hygiene habits, past affairs and current issues.
That is Mother, so gloriously honest.
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Maybe. it is time for Whitie to become all the mentally ill things her mother said she was. Maybe, Whitie will just defy the whole thing and become it all----sociopathic, neurotic, selfish, ego maniacal.
Mother said that Whitie was neurotic for her feelings.
Mother smirked at Whitie : BAD, BAD, BAD.
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What was Whitie's crime?
She wanted to have her own power .
That makes Whitie a psycho, I guess
Alice Miller is right. You will die to think that your mother loves you.
Whitie almost died but Divine intervention in the form of her friend intervened.
Whitie was slipping in to the darkness . In the darkness was Mother's love, a family, belonging. Whitie wanted it. Are you in the dark, Mother?
Will I find you if I follow?I would gladly go.
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Mother was with Whitie, in bathrooms. When Whitie went in bathrooms, she could talk to Mother. At Scott's school, for Parents Weekend, Mother was in the bathroom.
In one bathroom, Whitie started crying. Another mother asked her what was wrong. The answer was not available to Whitie ,other than mothers can cry at rites of passages.
Maybe, Heaven will be that you finally will be mothered
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Whitie's Heaven will be that you will finally be mothered. Maybe everyone's Heaven is different but it will be all you want, nothing missing, nothing hurting like on earth where love seems so scanty that you have to slurp it so it won't go away when you aren't looking.
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Whitie wants to have her own power. This is scary to Whitie cuz it has a BAD, BAD,BAD attached to it. An arm comes down from the sky with all the scary things Mother said to Whitie. "Who do you think you are; what are you so big about; what do you feel so good about?"
Whitie wants to cower.
Really and truly, are you BAD if you have a snake like inner part which coldly asseses life for you? Really, is it BAD or just how humans are?
It is like a cash register. It adds up things and gives you a total. Then, you take the info and do what you want .
That is Whitie's BAD.
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Everything Whitie learned about SELFISH was wrong.
What about mental illness ? Mother smirked and raged that Whitie was NEUROTIC.
Whitie was NEUROTIC when she was afraid, dependent, joyful, excited, studied too hard, didn't study enough, dressed up too much, didn't dress up enough, wanted a boyfriend, didn't care if she had one. wanted to be popular, gave up ,wanted independence.
Whitie was doing the NEUROTIC dance;every step she took.
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What if Whitie is NOT selfish or NEUROTIC?
What if Whitie is a regular person?
It is mind boggling.
Whitie wanted to think her own thoughts : wanted to learn to navigate life without Mother?
When you read Freuds accounts of his patients ,you see how simple human motivations and needs are behind weird pathology .
I remember a Freudian account of a woman who was afraid to drink water. The reason, found after much digging ,was that she saw a dog drink out of a cup :shock: :lol: :shock:
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Oh yes....how simple the reasons, how very very hard to see them and accept them and and ....... see them again through new eyes!
I call my inner snake Realism. He (for it is a he) has a cold eye that shows me things that make my other eyes blink (he knows what altruism really is). Sometimes he sees a bit too clearly and I have to go and read philosophy books, or look at my art books, for relief and escape. It works, finding something bigger (and more entertaining) than my self.
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Oh yes....how simple the reasons, how very very hard to see them and accept them and and ....... see them again through new eyes!
I call my inner snake Realism. He (for it is a he) has a cold eye that shows me things that make my other eyes blink (he knows what altruism really is). Sometimes he sees a bit too clearly and I have to go and read philosophy books, or look at my art books, for relief and escape. It works, finding something bigger (and more entertaining) than my self.
Yes ,(((Portia))). You understand perfectly. I was safe as long as I had the inner snake. It seems so simple. You MUST have that inner snake part of you become road kill.Do you agree? Ami
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The snake tells us important things about survival. I guess we learned (were taught) not to listen to our snakes. I wonder if my snake also recognises things which may be helpful to me (like sustenance) and sometimes I don't listen to those things? That may explain why sometimes I get very hungry and don't realise it until I get stomach cramps! Hmm. I do that less these days.
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The snake tells us important things about survival. I guess we learned (were taught) not to listen to our snakes. I wonder if my snake also recognises things which may be helpful to me (like sustenance) and sometimes I don't listen to those things? That may explain why sometimes I get very hungry and don't realise it until I get stomach cramps! Hmm. I do that less these days.
I am gonna accept my snake, Portia, and will think of you when I listen to him. Thanks for your posts. They really helped! Ami
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Last night, at 2 AM, Whitie realized something. She is not gonna give her power away to other people cuz they don't deserve it. Your power was meant for you. It is Life 101.
Whitie had her head up her ass the day they were teaching that .
Whitie's mother wanted Whitie with no space in between, like white on rice.
Mother hated Whitie's power. Whitie had to learn quickly that her power brought BAD things from Mother, scary things. Mother had scary things tucked inside that Whitie did not want to touch with a ten foot pole.
Whitie was an innocent kid. Times were different. Whitie prayed that Mother would not go over the edge . Whitie sure as Hell did not want to push her there.
Hence, Whitie gave up her power some where along the line and you have the Whitie of today : impotent, simpering, a big nice smile, can't respect herself, no gonads.
Yes, we could hate Whitie, badly, if we let ourselves.
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Who can respect a wimp?
Whitie took on NICE like a badge.
No one is NICE in a one dimensional white bread way.
NICE is surrender, don't hurt me, I am weak, weak, don't hurt weak people.
That is Whitie. It is what it is.
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Perhaps, Whitie can think in her own best interest. Everyone else is on a path of self survival but you get a freak like Whitie who is going on the Autobahn in the wrong direction. People protect their primal nature cuz that is existence in the jungle we call life. Whtiie was de-clawed by Mother for Mother's own purposes so Whitie's foundation was built on crumbly rock.
It couldn't work cuz it wasn't REAL.
Crumbly rock was giving up your basic, primal nature for Mother. If you want it back, you are BAD.
BAD is mentally ill, sociopathic, pathologically selfish, criminally sick, cold and hard, evil, you can't even look, things lurking behind doors, in darkness, nameless. They are gonna get you, get you,get you. Whitie wants to be GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
Is she all that Mother said? That is her hard question. What if...? What if Whiitie really is a sociopath? Whitie almost would rather find out than keep running with the simpering smile on her face. Maybe ,BAD would be better than this .
I hate Whitie just enough to find out.
Maybe, it is time for Whitie to be killed?
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Whitie should have fought back rather than sell out.She should have fought for her life against them :her H, F, M, in laws.
She became the BAD for all of them.
She hates them so much.
She hates herself worse, the wimp, wanting to belong, part of something,matter ,matter ,matter.
I think Whitie and her BAD are gonna go on the funeral pyre, soon.
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Yes, when Whitie is gone, life will be different. Whitie was born to carry the BAD. So, when the BAD goes, Whitie will ,too.
My cousin married a girl, Sherrie Ann. She walked like she owned the place, had opinions and didn't ask you before she gave them.
Sherrie Ann knew that she belonged on this earth.
Sherrie was gorgeous, naturally, one of those wonders , just because.
They were divorced and he married a more compliant version of Sherrie, not so blond or so "all that".
Why am I thinking of Sherrie Ann right now?
She may have her flaws but she was better than Whitie.
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Sherrie might just stand in for Whitie for awhile, to see how it feels, try it on for size. Capiche?
Yes, White wants to ask,"Do you think I am BAD?" but she is not allowed .
If you think Whitie is BAD, so be it. Who died and made you God?
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Whitie's friend was mad at her and she thought she would give up. That is bad. Whitie never needed anyone before.
Needing is scary.
Whitie always had one foot out of relationships.I don't know why or what is normal but Whitie needs someone ,now, in her deepest heart.
There must be something to connections cuz people die when basic connections are broken. Animals, do ,too.
I think Whitie's body was dying from lack of love and love brought it back. I think it is that simple.
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Two new people came to the drinking group, cousins of another member.
Whitie has NEVER done this at the drinking group,but she started being honest about her life.
Something in her yearned to be "for HER",not an image.
Yesterday, was one of Whitie's worst days.She barely could drag herself to the drinking group. Maybe the BAD is dying and putting up a fight .
BAD is a thing, I think.
BAD grabbed Scott and pulled him down, a beautiful boy like that. He had everything going for him, as the phrase goes.
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When Whitie decided to be "for herself",things began to change .
There were three cousins at the table. Whitie yearned to have a family like that. She dreamed of how that would feel, not to be alone, abandoned by family.
She was at the end of the table, thinking these thoughts, quiet, not like Social Whitie.
She talked to one cousin, pleasantries. She wished she was like the cousin, traveling with family.
Then, the other cousin came to her side of the table and sat down and started talking. Whitie told the truth about herself because she wanted to be REAL more than be liked. She wanted to be SOMEONE. SOMEONE is REAL.
That is all there is to it. She did not want to be under glass, muffled.
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When Whitie decided to be "for herself",things began to change .
There were three cousins at the table. Whitie yearned to have a family like that. She dreamed of how that would feel, not to be alone, abandoned by family.
She was at the end of the table, thinking these thoughts, quiet, not like Social Whitie.
She talked to one cousin, pleasantries. She wished she was like the cousin, traveling with family.
Then, the other cousin came to her side of the table and sat down and started talking. Whitie told the truth about herself because she wanted to be REAL more than be liked. She wanted to be SOMEONE. SOMEONE is REAL.
That is all there is to it. She did not want to be under glass, muffled.
((Ami)),
What courage that must of taken. Knowing the pain your uncovering, to get out. The old armor that keeps you safe...maybe?
I am so proud of you! Hope your patting yourself on the back for putting yourself out there. Wish I was in the group with you. 8) (hope that's o.k. to say.)
Love you, seasons
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I don't know why or what is normal but Whitie needs someone ,now, in her deepest heart.
Hi Ami,
Reading through some of your thread here from time to time.
This line above from your heart is important, as all of your voice is, but this voice of yours stood out for me as a reminder for myself that in my deepest longing(s) for love are nothing that THIS world could ever fill (however disillusioned)..."You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." St. Augustine
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It is funny that you say that today, Lise ,cuz I was thinking that God and His love is the answer. You are right. God can bring you people to help and to love you,but people will always disappoint you b/c they are flawed.
I am learning this. It is just the reality of life. I disappoint people all the time, too. xxxooo Ami
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I disappoint people all the time, too.
Me too.
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I disappoint people all the time, too.
Me too.
Dear ((Lise)))
The hardest person to forgive, accept and love with flaws is myself. Alice Miller gave a wonderful answer in her Reader's Mail to a man who was asking how to make the world a more loving place.
She said,"Accept your own heart."
At the conference, they were saying that "Love your neighbor as yourself means you must love yourself. It id SOOO hard when you have the NM deep, deep messages of worthlessness. Ami
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When Whitie decided to be "for herself",things began to change .
There were three cousins at the table. Whitie yearned to have a family like that. She dreamed of how that would feel, not to be alone, abandoned by family.
She was at the end of the table, thinking these thoughts, quiet, not like Social Whitie.
She talked to one cousin, pleasantries. She wished she was like the cousin, traveling with family.
Then, the other cousin came to her side of the table and sat down and started talking. Whitie told the truth about herself because she wanted to be REAL more than be liked. She wanted to be SOMEONE. SOMEONE is REAL.
That is all there is to it. She did not want to be under glass, muffled.
((Ami)),
What courage that must of taken. Knowing the pain your uncovering, to get out. The old armor that keeps you safe...maybe?
I am so proud of you! Hope your patting yourself on the back for putting yourself out there. Wish I was in the group with you. 8) (hope that's o.k. to say.)
Love you, seasons
You are a member of the group in spirit, (((Seasons))). I notice how you are opening up your heart more on the Board and I am so happy .
xxoo Ami
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Last night at the drinking group, Whitie took a leap in healing. Several things came together at once.
The depth of depression she usually feels has changed from super depression to major depression :shock:.
Whitie does not take medicine. She is not dissing anyone who does.
Whitie used to argue with people who healed differently such as the "Get over it" crowd and the 'I want to express my feelings" crowd.
Now, Whiitie says "God Bless Everyone" cuz it is so freaking hard to heal that she can't throw monkey wrenches at fellow survivors.
Ray told me I was strong.
That helped.
If you have an N parent, you are thrown a super curve ball, hard, unrelenting, maybe impossible to heal. I don't know.
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Sherrie Ann needs to come out.
Sherrie Ann would not be asking about BAD, no way.
Whitie's Sherrie Ann would be different than the real Sherrie Ann who is too sure of herself, no humility. Whitie can't go that far, nor does she want to.
Her Sherrie Ann ,who she has been named as such ,will be grounded in reality. She is confident, the master of her destiny but respectful of other people.Respectful ,but not fixing.
Whitie had to take care of everyone.
That ain't gonna cut it no more.
Sherrie Ann is out and we will see where that gets us.
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Sherrie Ann is confident. She only has to take care of herself so has dropped 90% of Whitie's job description. Whitie had to stop Mother from dying.
You can't do it Whitie. It is impossible You tried. When are you gonna learn? It is an illusion that you can save Mother. Get it. You can't. It is crazy.
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It is crazy like barking at the moon. You can't save Mother, Whitie. You would have by now, if you could. Mother is not right and she wants you to take the BAD but she still is crazy .
How does that work, Whitie?
If you took it, why does she still have it-HUH?
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Whitie had a 3 Million Dollar epiphany or whatever shrinks charge for epiphanies.
She knew what happened. Mother took Whitie's emotional HEALTH and made it CRAZY. Whitie wanted values, confidence, independence, individuation and Mother made that SELFISH, BAD,sociopathic, psycopathic, rotten, egocentric,shameful, very,very sick and awful in a scary way.
Mother turned reality upside down so Mother could feel GOOD about herself. Mother had to feel GOOD. If you died ,it was collateral damage.
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Mother made all Whitie's normal feelings, sick. That is what happened to Whitie.
Where does Whitie go from here? She essentially came out of a cult. She was lucky she did not commit suicide with clean white sneakers ,lined up in bunk beds, waiting for the Flying Saucer.
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Whitie has been fighting something for a week, the flu, a cold, exhaustion.
Whitie feels she just came home from the Wars, battle weary , just wanting to lie in bed and listen to the radio. She wonders when and if her essential strength will ever come back: emotional and physical.
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Vaknin says the N is fighting the ABYSS of psychosis. Maybe it is survival of the fittest .
The N is like a fish ; if you don't take the babies away, they eat them
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Whitie is the angriest she has ever been. She was in a pychosis to let people treat her as they did. Another girl is coming out and that is the F##k it and F##k you girl.
She needs a name but it is eluding me right now.
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I think she will just be the F##k it girl.
That is decided and now we go on.
The F##k it girl says F##k it to "Am I BAD?": a stupid question.
Whitie did not kill anyone or try to intentionally hurt anyone. If people get hurt, Whitie does not have to be the nurse of the world.
Whitie has to be responsible for her expression of herself and she can be angry.Whitie is not taking it anymore.
It is not words, this time. Whitie means it .
There is a new Whitie and she is not road kill.
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Abused people have to be PERFECT. They are never PERFECT , so they are BAD. Hence, they believe they deserve abuse.
That is my working hypothesis.
The N's know how to use sticks and the LV's know how to be abused so it is a match.
Whitie has been feeling about as hopeless as she has ever felt.
Alice Miller would say these are the feelings from childhood. I think that is right. Whitie had a hopeless situation with a sadistic mother. Y It hurts when it comes out.Whitie has to trust that there will be a day when these feelings have abated.Ray said,"You are going to Heaven .Scott is in Heaven. Everything is OK."
It is but Whitie has dreams for the earth ,too.
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The F##k it Girl made a wonderful discovery. Her emotions are OK. This is big. Helen, where are you, party time :lol: :lol:.
Mother didn't want Whtie to trust herself. What cult member is encouraged to have self confidence? Independence is empowering.
The cult wants to take your power.
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Yes, Whitie has emotions.Today, she felt furious anger at her H and did NOT let guilt come in and take it away. Religious guilt did not help either but Whitie knows that God wants her to have her feelings so she can be healthy.
Having M in her head made her almost psychotic.
God is love. People don't see that and know that but Whitie is starting to,now.
God does not want her to reject her essential self as she has been.He loves her and wants her to know and love herself.
She has been PUNISHING herself for FEELING .
Does anyone understand this?
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In Whitie's healthy days, FEELINGS helped her navigate life.She did pretty well before she became a zombie. She took her FEELINGS as important information. Then, she decided actions.
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People are animals. Whitie includes herself,of course,first in line. Mother messed with her too badly for her to SEE.When you cannot SEE, road kill is coming.
If you are in a cult, you cannot SEE cuz you would have to do something like leave or call the police.Whitie always knew she would be abandoned if she ever told the TRUTH .
In time, the TRUTH was hidden from even herself ,so when she got away, it did no good.
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Whitie thought big things had changed but she is still Whitie. She still feels badly about herself. Maybe, changes are small when you have been down as far as Whitie.
Whitie still feels a deep sense of worthlessness and inability to go forward in her own behalf.
She thought things would magically change after her epiphanies but there was no earthquake like change.
Whitie knows where she wants to get, emotionally. Maybe ,it is a pipe dream, maybe not.
She feels tired and discouraged.
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Whitie talked to her friend and feels better.
Perhaps, her mother did not have power over her own life just as Whitie didn't,in many ways.
Mother may have been trying not to fall in to the Abyss. Mother had to be PERFECT.She hated kids who made her feel less than perfect.
Kids were supposed to know how to take care of Mother ; they paid when they didn't. Mother terrorized kids cuz she thought kids terrorized her by not making her feel GOOD.
All this was REAL to Mother.
Mother's face is getting more real .It is important cuz Whitie(in her psychosis)thought Mother was wise.
Whitie listened to Mothers thoughts as if they were important
She flipped out of some normality in to Mother's craziness at 14.
Now,she seems to be finding the way out.
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She has been PUNISHING herself for FEELING .
Does anyone understand this?
Yes. Automatons don't feel! What are you doing, having feeelings? How dare you have feelings? Drama queen, that's what you are, for having feelings.
F**K that.
But what would you have done....to leave the cult....you can't live on the streets and survive at 14. Go elsewhere? Did there seem any point,to elsewhere, where would have been better - when you're already in the cult. (Forgive yourself at 14.)
Ami, when Whitie goes............if Whitie has to go..........is it gonna hurt, d'ya think? Or will she simply be gone, and it will be the absence that's noticable?
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She has been PUNISHING herself for FEELING .
Does anyone understand this?
Yes. Automatons don't feel! What are you doing, having feeelings? How dare you have feelings? Drama queen, that's what you are, for having feelings.
F**K that.
But what would you have done....to leave the cult....you can't live on the streets and survive at 14. Go elsewhere? Did there seem any point,to elsewhere, where would have been better - when you're already in the cult. (Forgive yourself at 14.)
Ami, when Whitie goes............if Whitie has to go..........is it gonna hurt, d'ya think? Or will she simply be gone, and it will be the absence that's noticable?
I love your posts. Portia. Thank you !
I think Whitie will stay but be different. She may be the one who says "Put on your mittens" :lol: xxxxooo Ami
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You are right, Portia.
I will think on Forgiveness,tonight.Poor Whitie ,at 14 ,with a psycho Mom.
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Last Wed, as Whitie was taking a shower to go to the drinking group, a huge hopelessness was on her. It was like poisonous air, suffocating .
It felt like a whole body panic attack that was pulling her down, down.
She watched as a scientist with a bug and prayed to God .
As she was driving to the drinking group,she realized that she was already dead so why not take a chance and be real.
She went to the drinking group with the thought that she would have a self : be centered in it, be REAL, feel REAL, SEE.
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Whitie had to be BAD to have a place in the family. Mother had to be GOOD. That was the family rule. You were on your own to salvage your mental health, as best as you could but the unbreakable rule was Mother must be GOOD.
Whitie is seeing more FOO patterns on her marriage. Her H has to be GOOD. Whitie was already BAD by then so it fit.Perhaps, it won't fit anymore.
After Wed, at the drinking group, some part of BAD died. Whitie is not BAD like she used to be.
The poisonous depression is gone.
More REAL is there.
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Whitie hates when she pats herself on the back. Then Mother ,in her head,makes her pay; "What are you so uppity about?"
Whitie wanted to erase the last two entries when she said she was good :shock:.
She felt good, confident, hopeful. Then, she questions her right to feel good.
'Whitie, what are you so big about?"
Whitie just bragged that the bad depression was gone and Poof, now it is back.It is strong, poisonous, on her, like fog.
She has to believe that Alice Miller is right. If she keeps feeling the feelings, they will show her the truth.
She has to keep going in to the dark. She is healing, I think.I believe.I hope.
She has goals.Are they too much? She wants to trust herself, respect herself, honor herself, be her best friend, love herself and put that all in a boundary. Does that sound like too much?
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It is SO bad when you have to ask s/one else if you have a right to your feelings. "Can I FEEL (fill in the blank) angry, happy, sad, afraid,, joyful.
You don't even freaking know what you FEEL.
It is awful. I want to know what I FEEL.
I want to know all the parts of me, even the BAD ones.
I don't want to be disconnected anymore.
I have an abusive H screaming at my door. Is he right, wrong?
Who am I?
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What is my life with NO self esteem ?It does not matter where I go, with whom, what I have, how I look, etc, etc if I have no self esteem.
I want self esteem and boundaries for it :x :x :x
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I have done so many things in life but not been there.What does it matter if you have a "full "life and you are not in it ? I want to feel REAL and THERE as ME.
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This is my goal : feel REAL, see REAL, be THERE . This could be a book title and I could be on the cover with a turban.
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"Put on your mittens".......
"and if you can't find them, your boxing gloves will do". (talking to self?)
feel REAL, see REAL, be THERE
I'm biting! I didn't real-ise before that HERE is simply THERE without the T...............
........exit pursued by a
turban?
Q: career as a professional photographer: I do wonder, are they ever really here? And alllll the ways we 'record' our lives now,with wee camcorders, cameras, phones....and the way we 'pose' our lives for the viewfinder.....are we being 'real'? Or does everyone want to be the star in their own play/movie, surrounded by extras. I would probably rather be the photographer, if I had to choose, but I don't have to choose! My eyes are the viewfinder.
(((((((((Ami)))))))))
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Hi Portia
All the girls are waving :lol: :lol: :lol:! xxoo Ami
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Whitie wants to trust her feelings and thoughts .
She wants to SEE herself, all parts and SEE other people, all parts and then learn how to navigate life.
She can navigate the Board pretty well. Some people like her, some don't. She can stand up when needed, walk away when needed, use her voice when needed, shut up when needed.
That is what she wants to do in REAL life.Is that too high of a goal?
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If Whitie could navigate REAL life like the Board, she would be happy. You have to be true to yourself. Many people won't like you.
You have to wake up and go to sleep with yourself . God willing, one of two people will love you on your journey.
Can you love yourself? Can you stand alone? Can you look within and find good and bad and see it as human and go on as an expression of you, however failed and flawed?Can you look at your shame ? You are good and bad. Own all you are so no one can control you with your shame.
I think that is how you lose yourself;trying to manage shame.
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Whitie woke up early with a Mantra:boundaries, boundaries.
She has sexual boundaries. Her GM taught her those.I bet people have that with emotional boundaries.
Whitie's emotional boundaries get a D plus.
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Boundaries bring up a lot of issues layered and layered like lasagna.Whitie's boyfriend ,in college, used to make a gorgeous lasagna: olives, ricotta,cream cheese, spinach, hamburger,vegetables, tomato sauce.
Whitie's lack of emotional boundaries has about that many layers.
Whitie is seeing that she hates herself. How can you have boundaries around something you want to punish? It won't work no matter how many books you read .
You can't protect something you are rejecting at the same time. It is one step forward and two steps back. That has been Whitie's life.
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The core is the problem. At 14, Whitie rejected herself and become BAD.
Life hurts, your very existence hurts. Whitie doesn't want it anymore.
Boundaries won't work when your core is BAD. You can't powder and dress up BAD.
BAD is just distortions, I think. I realized that at 3 AM. BAD is layers of distortions about all sorts of things:a big pile of slimy,black,writhing , warm worms .
Inside Whitie is the core of worms . SHE can't even look .How can she expect YOU to make it right if she won't even look herself?
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She has to look. She has to put on her snorkel mask and brave the water, maybe a scuba tank. Whitie is not the adventurous sort but time is a wasting . Enough life has been given to Mother.
Parental rights do not include endless support for a house of cards.
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BAD includes a lot of things. This morning her H told her s/thing and she acted concerned when she could have cared less. That is a perfect example of BAD.
Mother hated HYPOCRITES .One of BAD's big parts is being a HYPOCRITE in Mother's way of looking.
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The big baddie is that you are alone. That is the big Kahuna. It is under social interplay's like a volcano It erupts when tragedies happen.
Whities next assignments are boundaries and aloneness.
Of course, she has to unravel BAD until it eventually evaporates and blows away. God Willing.
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Is it SELFISH if you are for yourself, first? Is it healthy? Is it how it must be? Life doesn't work if you are not, right?
It is complicated coming up from the hole :shock: :shock:
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Whitie made some progress. She talked to her girlfriend for a long time.Female relationships bring up feelings about Mother.
It is hard. Mother overlies all woman ,for Whitie, maybe except GM types. Those might be OK.
Whitie is ready to go forward with female relationships cuz all woman are not like Mother, of course. Whitie wants wonderful woman in her life and her friend is one.
They can discuss Mother stuff and how Mother's intrude on everything . Whitie is ready to let Mother go as the template for all women.
It feel scary even to write about it cuz Mother so terrified Whitie.
Whitie has never really been hurt ,in real life, by a female friend. She picks wisely cuz she has good instincts. It is more a matter of old feelings coming out. She is gonna let them come out.
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White's BAD is the killer. She sees that now. Healing has a shape, a path.She has to go in to BAD and see what makes it up: the distortions.
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Oh, Ami!
I guess I am really tired. Thought you were talking about pets for awhile! LOL.
Everything you have posted here, is so profound! Judy
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Oh, Ami!
I guess I am really tired. Thought you were talking about pets for awhile! LOL.
Everything you have posted here, is so profound! Judy
Thank you Judy, so much! Ami
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Seeing the BAD is a relief. At least, Whitie has something concrete to focus on.Life seems easier, more manageable , more hopeful.
Mother used to feel shame for all sorts of things.
When Whitie was young, she was amazed how Mother could feel shame over dumb things like the pitcher you put the cream in.
Whitie knows how that feels. Whitie gets "on", too."On' means looking good, in a serious way.
God Forbid, something is out of place ;Whitie could crash :shock:.
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Mother said she thought she was BAD, a monster, could hurt people. Mother's self concept was in the toilet, you could say.
Whities hurts for Mother but Mother is like a tiger who could pounce in the instant you are not watching. It is how it is.
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Mother could not help it: Father, too
They were victims of their circumstances as I was.
Mother tried really hard on many things.
She did not think right :way,way down deep.
Whitie knows what that is like cuz she was lost for a long time,too.
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Whitie has always had a Fairy God Mother Wonderful people have come in to Whitie's life as gifts from the time Whitie was young until now.
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Waving back, Ami.
She can navigate the Board pretty well. Some people like her, some don't. She can stand up when needed, walk away when needed, use her voice when needed, shut up when needed.
That is what she wants to do in REAL life.Is that too high of a goal?
Interesting Ami. I have in the past found the board wayyyyyy more difficult than real life, many % points over what ordinary RL is like :shock: thousands % points over :D This is TRUE.
Real life is a breeze by comparison. Now.
<gives gratitude in abundance> <that is also true x
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Waving back, Ami.
She can navigate the Board pretty well. Some people like her, some don't. She can stand up when needed, walk away when needed, use her voice when needed, shut up when needed.
That is what she wants to do in REAL life.Is that too high of a goal?
Interesting Ami. I have in the past found the board wayyyyyy more difficult than real life, many % points over what ordinary RL is like :shock: thousands % points over :D This is TRUE.
Real life is a breeze by comparison. Now.
<gives gratitude in abundance> <that is also true x
Dear Portia,
My friend says the Board is just as hard as Real Life, too. He says that RL is easier ,in the sense that people hide their deeper feelings more. However,the Board is easier in that you have more time to respond.
I have learned many lessons on the Board for which I will be forever grateful to Dr G for. He lets us "do our thing".
I was on a more moderated Board and any time conflict came, a moderator would come in and smooth it over. It felt like school with the principal looking over your shoulder.You could not learn , freely.
Often, I look at a 3D group and imagine it is the Board with all the different characters we have here. I will think that s/one is like this Board person or that Board person.
I love to see your posts on my thread! xxoo Ami
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Whitie has been exhausted trying to come out of distortions. When she sees the silliness of the distortions she says'This old thing" but until then the distortion has her by the short hairs, excuse the expression :shock:.
Yes , the distortions seem so real and so true until Whitie sees them and then she says "Pooh, that old thing". It is like people finally seeing Satan. They say,"That little nothing ...."
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The distortions seem to leave so slowly. Why can't they speed away, leaving Whitie clean and pure and healthy.
Whitie wants to say "Pooh, that is just human nature" as my Aunt says.
My Aunt says "Pooh" and Ray says "Pooh". Whitie wants to say "Pooh" and go on with being a normal person, too.
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Whitie is thankful to have a Board to share her story on. She will never forget that she has a home where she can write her story. Thank you, Dr G!
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Whitie's friend understands her and that is what it takes to heal ;one person in this rotten world who gets you . Sorry for the cynicism :shock:.
Maybe ,being seen is the foundation for emotional health.
I know my Aunt was seen by her M and my Aunt trusts herself to be a person, good and bad: human.
I was not seen, or actually seen as the split off BAD side of an N. I have seen myself as BAD since my teens when I believed my NM's world view.
I did not adopt her world view until 14. Prior to 14, I rejected it so perhaps there is hope to get back to that state of grace, God Willing.
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Whitie is having little glimpses of herself being human. How wonderful it would be to accept your feelings and thoughts without thinking you are BAD .
How wonderful to be acquainted with yourself ,to shake your hand, give yourself a hug.
I would invite myself for dinner and drinks with fancy napkins and little cocktail hot dogs.
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It would be a gas if Whitie were human this whole time.It would be like finding out your mother was taken by little green men and impregnated with alien sperm .
Whitie lived ,hiding like some Monster.Whitie's self rejection didn't help Mother become well. It was supposed to. That was the plan. Whitie would sacrifice her life so Mother could go off with the GOOD, leaving the BAD with Whitie.
It was supposed to work like magic things do.
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Whitie is having some good things happen. She is AFRAID when she writes this .If she is GOOD, she has to beat herself up before Mother does. Mother was the only one allowed to be GOOD.
Whitie is starting to feel some of the good feelings she had before she went numb. Whitie was never diagnosed with anything other than anxiety but I think she had dissociation.
She was separated from herself. Her feelings and thoughts were the enemy--BAD, BAD.
It seems so simple to be connected to yourself but it is as far as China if you are not.
Whitie is in Heaven simply being in her own skin and feeling.
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Another part of BAD was navigating life on your own:learning, figuring out things, making mistakes, learning, seeing,seeing yourself, seeing others, learning how to deal with your own layers , learning to deal with the layers of others , having strong values, morals , character.
It looks ridiculous to write but someone must know what I mean.Mother thought it was better to be a criminal than have an identity, I think.
I feel very guilty for simply wanting to own myself. No one could understand this unless they had an NM, I think. It is not explainable.
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I get what you meant, Ami. And ditto about having a board like this to share on.
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I get what you meant, Ami. And ditto about having a board like this to share on.
Thank you, Erin. I am sitting here thinking that my BIGGEST goal is to own and manage myself and it feels so wrong like I am committing a big sin :shock:
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Whitie's Mother wrote her an e mail about wanting to love her.
Mother has an uuncanny radar when Whitie is getting better ;Mother comes to take her down.
Whitie wants a Mother's love badly but Whitie wants her OWN love ,first.
Whitie remembers how wonderful it was to love herself.
Way in the past, she thought she was worth something. That was a long time ago : before she jumped in to the Mother's tomb like the servants of King Tut.
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Being crazy is just a body of thought. If you can change the body of thought to reality, you would not be crazy, anymore.
Whitie was talking to her Aunt,today. Her Aunt isn't crazy like her Mother .
Whitie is doing a study on "crazy' .It is gonna be her version of a controlled scientific study ,Whitie style.
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How did Whitie go crazy? She threw off parts of herself cuz the ship was sinking .
You do what you have to do in order to survive. You become crazy cuz your life is pushing you: pushing,pushing. You throw yourself away.
You become crazy so you won't die. Maybe, you should have died:how horrible crazy is.
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My Mother is crazy. I said it over and over and over as a kid. I am all right. I am all right.It was the mantra of my sanity. I held it like a lover, my one and only, my sanity, my sanity.
Then ,it was gone. I tried to grasp it, hold it, scream for it. I could do nothing, nothing,nothing. I couldn't hold it ;I couldn't.
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Whitie slept horribly last night. She is seeing Mother better . Every time she thinks of Mother, her stomach twists . She knows the answer,"Mother is a monster."
Even writing it makes her feel sick .
Maybe, she has a stomach virus or maybe the thought of the reality of Mother is that horrible. I think it is the latter.
Under the sick, Whitie feels more whole, more real, more present, more valuable, more worth something other than BAD.
This is a strange experience, never actually felt by Whitie, before.Every time she thinks of Mother, she feels like she wants to throw up. Has anyone been here? :shock:
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I think that before Whitie was born , there was Blackie . Blackie was N like.
I think Blackie should be born and supercede Whitie.
Whitie went through Hell as an abused wimp .She did it over and over: smiling, nice ,loving ,giving guilty,feeling sorry for the abusers .
Alice`Miller says that children will destroy themselves rather than face the truth of the parents's. You would jump on the fire to lie to yourself that you are` loved.
You need and`want to be loved that badly.
Whitie is always gonna be there cuz Whitie is good in many ways but Blackie is gonna lead us. Yes, I think there is gonna be a change in leadership. If my friend can help me post a picture, I will give you a picture of Blackie.
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I have a`picture of Blackie standing outside of her house. She looks like she could ride off on the back of a motorcycle leaving Whitie behind in the dust.
Blackie has on a little pink beret and jeans and she doesn't care if people like her or shame her. She knows who she is. AMEN
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Is it selfish to be centered? Is it selfish to let experiences come in and take them just for you like beauty, joy, fun, seeing good things, tasting good things, feeling good things?
It seems ridiculous to ask but Whitie had to keep blocking joy. She thought she would kill Mother if she were alive, strong, confident
Maybe, if Whitie saw that she was GOOD then she would have to face all that happened.
Mother demanded allegiance to be part of the family
Whitie let people hurt her cuz being strong was GOOD.She could not be GOOD. She had to be BAD.
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To be emotionally healthy, you have to face reality. Whitie knows this ;it is her breadcrumbs out of the forest. It is hard when you have been in a hole for a very long time. The hole made the world fuzzy :edges were blurred.
It is scary and hard to SEE.
Whitie feels she is BAD if she sees BAD things in others.
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Whitie had a bad day which turned good. Her friend loves her even though she is getting a self. Usually, people demanded she not have a self so this is different.
She can be whole and still loved. She could cry cuz it is beautiful !
Everyone else wanted a piece of her but he wants her to be her and still loves her at the end. God is good. AMEN.
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Everyone else seemed to want a piece of Whitie like she were taffy. Mother wanted to feel GOOD at Whitie's expense. Whitie had to be the BAD to Mother's GOOD.
If not, she would be banished from the family. Who could take that, tell me?
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Whitie had to be BAD in order to survive. She was not respected by others cuz she was a wimp. It was true. She was a wimp. What could she do? She tried to survive.
Let anyone else live with her M and see how well they would do? I doubt very well. I doubt it. Don't judge!
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Don't judge until you have walked in Whitie's shoes"every day trudging, trudging, walking home , girding herself , what would she find, her mother was gross, gross, gross, be strong, you are not like she , you are not like she, say it, say it say it. Kids were supposed to be going to proms and playing spin the bottle. not holding on to their sanity.
White did well. She did well. Do you hear me?
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Whitie still has a little self left. It took everything to still have it. Do you know what it is like to hold on to your sanity with safety pins? Do you?
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Whitie had a bad night:restless, stomach hurting. Is Whitie BAD cuz she wants to protect herself, not let herself be road kill? Is Whitie selfish cuz she wants to even HAVE a self?
Is this a crime? Is it BAD, BAD to put yourself first?
How can life work if you are floating above your body and taking care of everyone else?
It goes against logic.
What creature in the animal kingdom abandons themselves?
It makes no sense.
How could life even work, not being in your own body.
You would be a monster like a Siamese twin.
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At 14, Whitie became a zombie . Zombies don't learn. They have their selves sucked out from inside them. SLURP
Whitie wants to have a self, first off.
Say Whitie is packing a suitcase. Her first thing is gonna be a self.
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Whitie is very, very tired.She has a full life ,now. She`has someone to love and a few friends whom she`loves.She has a few hobbies which are passions. She has a wonderful son whom she loves.
Everything is good except Whitie herself :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Whitie, herself, is still not right. She feels like a jig saw puzzle ;the pieces may look right but when you get close, they don't fit together.
She`had to believe distortions to survive and now they stick like velcro from Hell like Super glue which lasts for eternity.
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My H was an abusive jerk , today. My M groomed me to be the wife`of an abusive jerk. I sat there while he`was screaming and thought,"This is what happens when you hate yourself."
This is how you end up.
You end up with a guy who is gonna scream about what a selfish jerk you are when what you want to do is find a self after being abused for almost thirty years . This is what happens when you don't respect yourself.
That is what happens as sure as you are breathing.
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When you hate yourself, your outside reflects your inside. Lord, I am glad I am yours`after this long road of pain, mother pain, husband pain, loss , death, hatred of self, lost, lost, lost.
She wants to sleep with God 's peace tonight. It has been such a long road, not much warmth , comfort, go, go, go on, don't whine, don't complain, don't be a baby, no time to rest, sweet rest, can't stop, no place , tired , tired, lonely, will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired.
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When you hate yourself, your outside reflects your inside. Lord, I am glad I am yours`after this long road of pain, mother pain, husband pain, loss , death, hatred of self, lost, lost, lost.
She wants to sleep with God 's peace tonight. It has been such a long road, not much warmth , comfort, go, go, go on, don't whine, don't complain, don't be a baby, no time to rest, sweet rest, can't stop, no place , tired , tired, lonely, will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired.
Oh Ami...I stopped following this thread a while ago, but then tonight I read this last post feeling as if could have written every word of it myself.
"will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired."
This is exactly how I feel, tired and in need of a hug, even just a smile, even just a glance my way that tells me that someone cares. It hurts so much, the journey into the heart and out of this world, hopefully, into God's arms. I am missing God's peace tonight, wanting it and hoping He shows up to inspire me, comfort me and give me a good swift kick in the butt to get me going, again. I need a jump start and sometimes all we need is just to know that someone cares.
I care about you ((((Ami))).
Lise
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When you hate yourself, your outside reflects your inside. Lord, I am glad I am yours`after this long road of pain, mother pain, husband pain, loss , death, hatred of self, lost, lost, lost.
She wants to sleep with God 's peace tonight. It has been such a long road, not much warmth , comfort, go, go, go on, don't whine, don't complain, don't be a baby, no time to rest, sweet rest, can't stop, no place , tired , tired, lonely, will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired.
Oh Ami...I stopped following this thread a while ago, but then tonight I read this last post feeling as if could have written every word of it myself.
"will someone hold me for a minute, so tired, so tired."
This is exactly how I feel, tired and in need of a hug, even just a smile, even just a glance my way that tells me that someone cares. It hurts so much, the journey into the heart and out of this world, hopefully, into God's arms. I am missing God's peace tonight, wanting it and hoping He shows up to inspire me, comfort me and give me a good swift kick in the butt to get me going, again. I need a jump start and sometimes all we need is just to know that someone cares.
I care about you ((((Ami))).
Lise
Thank you,(((Lise)))). Can't sleep but can feel God a little more ,now, so that is very good. I am thinking of you now and sending you thoughts of God's peace. xxxoo Ami
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Whitie had a bad night's sleep:a combo of stomach aches and euphoria.
Her friend sees the real Whitie under sobbing, hysteria, fears, terror, whining, complaining and all the rest . It must be a love letter from God is all Whitie thinks.
He says,"Whitie, be your 14 year old self." That is Blackie, more or less.
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Why is Whitie's wish list BAD? She wants to be grounded in herself, her feelings, thoughts. She does not want to reject them-- BAD BAD like rubber stamps from Hell :stamp, stamp, stamp .
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Whitie is gonna tell you about the drinking group, last night. Whitie is trying to live in the present, not recycle Mother's thoughts like being on a gerbil wheel from Hell.
If Whitie wants to ask something or say something, she does. It is different cuz Whitie is being true, not the false, perfect self. If Whitie falls flat on her face, her friend will pick her up so she can chance rejection. She could not chance rejection before cuz she would have rejected herself too badly.I know you understand the shame, Board friends.
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Back to last night.
Whitie's H was on a roll ,in the car,on the way to the drinking group. He was "poor me" in the inimitable way that N's have . You get the picture, I am sure.
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Whitie had a long day of going forward in the world and little energy. This inflamed him more .Whitie sat there and took it in. It is not about her husband but about how SHE wound up in such a mess.
Being frozen didn't help her "picker" and so there she sits being harangued by the one who was supposed to be her one and only to have and to hold forever.
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When they get there, they see Dependent Girl. She is an advertisement for 'You teach others how to treat you": a walking chicken waiting to be pecked.
Whitie makes a note to respect herself more.
Whitie has been pecked for neediness and does not want to go there again any time soon: no thank you.
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Whitie walks to the table and sits next to Jean.Whitie is gonna be real no matter if people like her or not. This false self bullshit has got to go.
Whitie said she wishes she had Jean's self esteem . Whitie was not sure if she was being too real but all the people at the table stopped their conversation and were looking at Jean and Whitie.
They all were talking about boring things and so when Whitie and Jean started talking about real things, everyone was interested.
At that point, Dependent Girl , sitting across the table ,stopped the whole conversation by asking Jean what type of make-up she wore.
Jean said,"Estee Lauder : I wait to buy it when they have a gift with purchase "
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Whitie gave the conversation with Jean and Estee Lauder a break. A man walked over to her.
There was a long history to the relationship. She knew him back in the first wife days, pregnancies, affairs, divorces, terrible fights. Now, he is with wife number Two.
She was talking to wife number Two, also.
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Lisa, wife number two, and Whitie had a long conversation. Whitie is in her real mode so conversations are different than Perfect Whitie.
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It was a magical conversation cuz Whitie was where she was. Mother was gone, or partially so. Whitie was observing life.
Jean gave Whitie a kiss and left. Several girls gave Whitie a kiss and left . Whitie was still talking .
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There was a time when Blackie knew how to operate in life. The rules are not that hard if you can see them. If you can't, it might as well be as far as China for how much good it will do you.
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Whitie is having a hard day. She knows how someone kills themselves. She is too chicken but the hopelessness is bad. She understands Scott. The hopelessness was too much. She gets it. She never blamed him but never really understood . He is safe. It is OK. She misses him but he would never come back if he could.
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Whitie's husband is pushing her, pushing, pushing.She is too afraid to walk away and staying will kill her. She has no family like her Aunt's kids, no home but this one. Her mind is not right. Lord, it is so painful. Is life just never ending pain? Is it? Is it?
Lord, if you take me tonight, I will be happy. I want to be in Your arms. I want to be accepted finally, not acting , being good, just me Lord, just me, quiet.
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Ray talked about how you could go in the garage , put the car on and fall asleep. Whitie thinks how nice it would be to fall asleep in the car. Maybe, she would be dreaming like the Little Match Girl whose body was found frozen under the window of the warm house .She was smiling as if she had made it to the warm place.
Whitie is not gonna do anything. Her son needs her . She is just talking.
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Her husband is going to the lawyer. It is OK. She can't take it anymore, the pressure, the pressure, the pressure, be for him, be for him, she has no feelings, is nothing, feels nothing, a big smile, giving, nice, nice.
It is too much, too much,can't take it anymore.
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Having an N for a Mother is like having Satan : smirking,blank, eyes inhuman,your own mother. Does it get any worse?
Wherever you go Satan goes: school, home, activities , Satan is waiting for you in the car, when you get your period, your first kiss, fights with friends, have no friends, have moral decisions, have simple decisions, don't know what to do.
You bargain with the devil . You will give him your mind if you can THINK you have a mother who loves you.
You pay for lying but seeing the truth can be worse ; it depends.
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This is Whitie.
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Hi (Ami),
I am on my way out again. :( But was thinking about you.
THEN
So happily surprised to see........
such a beautiful, lovely............ lady staring at me/us.
Your loveliness is larger than I imagined. Your eyes dance and your smile warms the soul.
love, seasons
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Ray talked about how you could go in the garage , put the car on and fall asleep. Whitie thinks how nice it would be to fall asleep in the car. Maybe, she would be dreaming like the Little Match Girl whose body was found frozen under the window of the warm house .She was smiling as if she had made it to the warm place.
Whitie is not gonna do anything. Her son needs her . She is just talking.
Is Ray an alter speaking to you or is Ray another individual? This message jolted me somewhat because I had a great-uncle Ray who did EXACTLY THAT!!!!!
If Blackie, Whitie, and Ray are alters of a Multiple, then I can understand what is going on a little better. I don't pretend to be an expert even though I do have a Master's in Addiction Psychology. I have only encountered one Multiple and stayed with her during a crisis because the supposedly "trained" licensed facilitator, who turned out to be an N, ABANDONED THE CRISIS because HE had to go to lunch!!!!! (I was still working on my undergraduate degree and had NO training with situations such as this so I was basically flying by the "seat of my pants" and acknowledged each personality, by name, stating that each one HAD A RIGHT TO FEEL what was being felt in the moment...Anger, Sadness, Rage, Hatred, etc......until the person was able to re-integrate and calm down.)
Given that I had NO prior training with Multiples, I do have to admit that experience was a bit frightening because I didn't know what to expect, wasn't sure what I was doing, PRAYING I was saying and doing the RIGHT things, and it felt like I was exploring the Final Frontier on the USS Enterprise! A LOT of UNKNOWN territories!!!!!!
Bones
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Dear (((Bones))
Ray is a real person, my guitar teacher.
I feel like I am split in to parts but am not an actual multiple, Thank Goodness. xxoo Ami
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Hi (Ami),
I am on my way out again. :( But was thinking about you.
THEN
So happily surprised to see........
such a beautiful, lovely............ lady staring at me/us.
Your loveliness is larger than I imagined. Your eyes dance and your smile warms the soul.
love, seasons
I love you (((Seasons))) You are so dear! xxoo Ami
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Yes , seeing Mother is the key. Mother is ugly, ugly like the ickiest snake you come upon and say'Yuch" and run. That is Mother, yucky to the core.
My Brother said he would pee on her underwear :lol: :lol: :lol:.
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Dear (((Bones))
Ray is a real person, my guitar teacher.
I feel like I am split in to parts but am not an actual multiple, Thank Goodness. xxoo Ami
Thanks, (((((Ami))))), for clarifying that for me.
Bones
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You are a sweet lovable person,(((( Bonesie)))))!!! Ami
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Whitie is having one of the WORST days of her life. Mother was wrong. It is NOT black and white. She hates Mother.
Whitie hates Mother. Mother should have been killed. Death to Mother.
Mother should be shot, imprisoned. Mother is BAD,BAD, BAD.
Whitie hates everything about Mother. Mother is gross, gross ,BAD, BAD, horrible, horrible, disgusting , revolting, a curse on everyone, everyone. She hates Mother. It is done. She is done with Mother.
Mother should go to the deepest Hell and never come out. When she dies, Mother will go to where she belongs, Hell, Hell, Hell!
Maybe, Whitie is crazy. Maybe she should be put in a straight jacket and put in a mental institution but she HATES Mother. Do you get it? She HATES Mother. She HATES her. If that makes Whitie bad, she does not care.
Whitie Hates, hates, hates , hates Mother!!!
One day, when God judges with scales Mother will get what is coming to her for hurting kids. Mother loved to hurt kids. Kids were sweet. Mother wanted to wipe sweet away by hurting kids, hurting, hurting sweet kids. God will get her. God will get her. Mother will pay,sometime. Mother will pay. She won't get away. Mother will pay. She will pay for every time she loved to hurt White. She enjoyed every pain she caused poor lWhitie. God will hold her to it. God will do it. She can trust that Mother will know one day that she couldn't get away scot free.
Mother, you will pay. You will pay. You will pay.
AMEN.
Whitie is going to sleep. God is good. Mother will pay. Whitie can't get revenge. Whitie can't do it. Mother will get revenge from a Higher source. Whitie will rest. Good bye , Mother.
May you haunt someone else . Whitie is done.
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The barometer of Whitie's emotional health is how real she can see Mother.
Whitie should have a pain chart like they have in the ER. It goes from very light pain to pain out the whazoo.. When Whitie went in to denial she saw Mother as a therapist who knew answers : a role model. As Whitie heals, Mother gets the face of a devil.
Right now,Mother is a six on a scale of one to ten :ten being Mother foaming at the mouth.
Every time Mother goes up a degree, Whitie has to go through the bowels of Hell to see it. This must be how denial works.
You go in to denial right before you are gonna shatter to pieces. When you come out, you feel you will die all over again. This is Whitie's working hypothosis.
It is no pain, no gain on acid.
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Whitie had to give her shame to others to manage cuz it burned like fire and she could not touch it.
Life has rules. One rule is that others can't hold your self esteem for you.
Surrender, Whitie, to what IS.
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It is SO tiring to try to get your mind back. It is so hard to love yourself when you were taught to hate and reject yourself for the Fuhrer i.e. Mother(but you knew that).
One day Whitie wants to feel centered in herself and NOT guilty, not guilty for being a separate person, not guilty for loving herself first, being true to herself, listening to her needs, meeting her needs. What is wrong with doing that? Isn't that what emotional health is?
Please, someone answer!
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Whitie had one of the worst nights, ever, last night. She couldn't sleep cuz of stomach aches and when she did, she had nightmares. Her dog kept barking at odd hours in the night ,waking her up totally.
She got up early just to get out of that bed and it's troubles.
Part of it was seeing her Mother more and more clearly. Also, seeing that she had made everyone her Mother. She could see how every person's approval was a test of her worth just as her M's love was always the prize which would give her value.
She saw how she had no value unless it was in taking care of others, giving to others. She had to push her needs away in order not to be BAD and SELFISH.
She realized that she wants her needs.She can fufill them. What is wrong with that?
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Whitie guesses she is a classic co-dependent. It is not that bad, considering what you could have had coming from her crazy M.
Why does it seem that she is GOOD when she is co-dependent and BAD when she is confident, strong, independent, loving herself, respecting herself and taking care of her OWN needs. It feels like she is BAD when she does this. Isn' t this what emotional health IS?
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Whitie sees Mother. It is yuck. Mother is a predator. Mother lies in wait . We all have those impulses but when you mature, you hold them in. I guess it comes down to holding in the "murderous and nasty" impulses that we all have.
Mother was acting them out and making Whitie feel guilty for HAVING them. Mother acted horribly and then blamed Whitie for any less than perfect thought, feeling or action.
How does that work? It is probably some variation of Splitting in some stupid, crazy way.
My brain is tired. There must be some crazy N logic in there somehow, though.
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Whitie has this wonderful inkling that maybe she can love herself.
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Mother's face is getting about as real as it was before Whitie went numb.
Whtiie is having memories of how it felt to have her own mind, without Mother in it like Big Brother from Hell.
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Last night, Whitie saw how the hopelessness came and went. She was deep in the hopelessness. Hopelessness was about feeling the patterns from her M are too big to change.
When her friend saw her as a solid self, she snapped out of the hopelessness. It was about not feeling she CAN be a self. Next time the hopelessness hits, she will try to apply that"medicine " and see if it helps.
I think most of Whitie's issues are about not feeling ABLE to be a solid self. BAD is when you think your true self is so sick, sociopathic, narcissistic, neurotic, selfish, needy, etc that you must hide it. It takes so much energy to hide it that social things are not worth it. It takes so much energy to be afraid to even look at it, yourself.
Perhaps the hopelessness was the suit Whitie had to take on when she really was hopeless as a kid and had no power of autonomy to change anything.
Maybe, that is the key. Ami
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Whitie wants to have a self that sits on her shoulder like a parrot. She could talk to it and it would talk back.
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Whitie is just about ready to say F You to everyone and just respect herself.
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Yes , Whitie is about ready to stop carrying Mother . Whitie had to morph so Mother could live .
It is not fair or right that a Mother sucks the soul from a Daughter unless you are in one of the vampire movies like Daughter of Dracula.
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Vaknin has it right about N's. They suck you like Vampires, without a speck of conscience--me,me, me, me. Yet, they have no genuine self so it is pitiful.
I guess the simple explanation is that they have the emotional maturity of a 3-4 year old.
Maybe, Whitie can go on with her life,now. She is not an N, I am quite sure. Her children loved her and other children do ,too. Children usually hate N's.
Whitie's children could never stand their N like F. So, Whitie must not be an N and should just forget about that.
Is Whitie a sociopath? Her friends say that is crazy but Mother brought out all her tools to make Whitie doubt her identity .
How would you like an NM who is a therapist? They have more sophisticated tricks to use on you. All NM's are bad. It doesn't matter really. They are all a curse from Hell.
However, Whitie's brand of insecurity is about her mental and emotional health.
That is where her NM stuck the knife in her the most.
I should start a thread---In What area of Your Life Did your N Parent Hurt You the Most?". I think I will.
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Whitie is gonna have to go against the program of BAD and love herself. She has to do it. It is that or die. She has to.
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Whitie talked to her Aunt yesterday. Her Aunt has good self esteem. Whitie did, too, a long time ago. Her Aunt says,"Yes, I feel good about myself. I am good enough.Why not?"
Her Aunt is good to herself cuz she feels she is "good".
Isn't that strange to hear when you are the D of an N?
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Whitie used to know what was real. Real was that no one could hold your sense of self but you. Real was that everyone is selfish, first of all. Real was that many people will hurt you if you get too weak. Real is that you must have integrity and character to be respected. You can be liked without it but not respected.
Real is that people have many layers. Some of them will hurt you if you don't protect yourself.
Whitie used to be able to know and feel "real". Then, she was safe.
Whitie has to try to find real, real, real.
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Whitie had a hard day. It felt like swimming in molasses. Maybe, Whitie will never get good. It is a hard climb . Sometimes, it feels doable and other times, it feels impossible.
She just has a BAD buzzer that keeps stinging her any time she wants to have a self, feel strong, not take care of the world.
It feels so hard, today.
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Whitie is coming to the conclusion that she is just gonna learn to trust her navigational device(inner compass) and start going out to learn about life the way she was at 14 before her M put her in to a state of shock.
That is what happened. Whitie went in to shock . Shock puts you on auto pilot. You do what you have to do to survive but the price is blinders to reality.
Emotionally healthy people trust themselves . Whitie's Aunt trusts herself. Whitie questions the very ground she walks on. Pooh on that! Whitie is gonna practice trusting her gut. The Board was a good place to start.
She learned to trust her gut here .
You got to trust yourself or you are a car with the engine missing trying to go on a cross country trip. You ain't gonna make it. You are gonna be on the side of the road, broken down Maybe, a 10 wheeler will ram in to and you will be true road kill.
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Whitie sees that people are not gonna change cuz SHE wants it. She wanted Mother to change and other people too. She wanted people to see her but they couldn't or wouldn't. Either way,all Whitie's wanting never came to much.
Whitie has to try to make herself how she wants to be.
Other people want Whitie to change and she can't do it for them. It is not workable. If it worked, she would have had a great M and great H cuz she certainly tried.
It is a distortion that you have to get other people to change so YOU can be all right. It is a huge distortion.
This is a biggie. Whities life has been lived from the outside in from 14 on. It is strange to see people who want to change HER so THEY can be OK. She tried to change for other people. It didn't work cuz it can't. Life is as it is, in many ways.People are as they are. According to the Bible, there is a curse on the Earth. Look at people's behavior;yeah no joke! People have a rotten side but Whitie could not SEE.Mostly, Whitie could not SEE the rotten side in herself.
Life has rules but you have to be able to SEE them. If you can't SEE, you are screwed and badly. Yeah, that is it, I think.
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It might be time for Whitie to commit suicide. Blackie would take over.
Whitie is so nice that I could throw up. Enough already.
Whitie, don't you aspire to be more than road kill? Whitie, don't you have a simple pride in who you are?
You might just want to go in to the wilderness like the Eskimo's and do everyone a favor.
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Yes, Blackie is ready to take over. F it!!!!!!!!! F it ---to all the people who hurt Whitie when she was weak. Blackie hates weak.
Blackie is smart. Blackie is with it. Blackie knows sub text with the best of them. Blackie will get in your face and make you sorry you F ed with her.
Blackie will make you pay for messing with her.
Whitie took it for too long . Blackie is gonna settle debts.
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Blackie went to her friend's mother's memorial service last night. Whitie was insecure,but Blackie pushed her aside and said,"We are gonna learn about life."
We are gonna learn ,Girls, starting where we left off at 14.
People stink but Blackie does ,too. People can be sweet and kind. Blackie can be ,too. People can be primal. Blackie can ,too. You have to be able to defend yourself.
If someone messes with you, you push them to the ground and grind them in with your designer pumps. It is life, for God's sake.
Blackie is not an aggresor but she will fight back.
Whitie believed her M's guilt that said she was a BAD person if she had a bad thought, feeling or impulse. She tried it and where did it get her? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Whitie took after her F. Her is the poster boy for....no the word is wimp. He always was bending and scraping .How else could you stay with a raging N, half Borderline Wacko?
He never stood up for Whitie, not once.
Whitie became like he :a wimp, afraid of her own anger, her own impulses. Be good , be good, be nice, be sweet, not a bad word, thought,impulse.
I wish it could work. It will in the world to come, just not this one.
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Blackie will rarely be the aggressor. When she was in junior high, she was mean a time or two but not much.
Blackie is not a bully .
Blackie simply wants to be her own person, shine in her own way and not have someone use HER for THEIR unacknowledged rage.
Blackie has her fighting suit on under her pearls. Yup, that is how it is. AMEN
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Maybe ,when it is all said and done, Blackie can like herself.
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Whitie is having a bad day.Yes, Whitie is still here. Hopefully, Blackie will take over one day or maybe they will share ownership like in a normal person.
Today, Whitie saw how deeply she rejected herself. She had to do it in order to live. She threw off parts of herself like throwing cargo off a sinking boat. It hurts so badly, so terribly to reject yourself.
She feels how badly it felt. She feels it, today.
Seeing her friend's mother in the casket last night hurt. The M was a lot like Whitie, a scared mouse, afraid of life, afraid, afraid. In the casket, she looked peaceful.
Whitie yearns for her mother. She always has.When her paternal GM died, she was crying for her own mother who died when she was fifteen.Is that who we are :children wanting love ?
That is who Whitie is.
Her GM was strong in Whitie's eyes : a doctor long before woman could do that.When she was dying, she was a motherless child.
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Whitie was outside the hospital room, hearing her grandmother call" Mama, Mama."
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Whitie has felt sick all day. It is an emotional sickness. There are so many emotions to coming out of dissociation.
It is scary how distorted Whitie was. That is part of the emotion. It is freaking scary how mentally unbalanced Whitie was.
Whitie just took a test on how N are you? She was afraid they would tell her she was an N but they said "timid soul". Whitie's goal in life is Healthy Narcissism.
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Whitie is exhausted , wiped out, beyond, beyond. She went to another memorial for her friend's mother.Life is so different than Mother
Whitie has to learn teen lessons.
Lord Help us in this crazy world. Whitie wants to go to sleep, listen to Bible tapes and believe that there is something greater than Mother, pain and hopelessness.
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Yesterday was exhausting but good. With intimacy,you have to hang on to yourself AND give at the same time. What if you hardly HAVE any self?
Yesterday, Whitie was feeling emotionally intimate and ALL the Mother tapes of worthlessness came back like the flying monkey's in Wizard of Oz, hoards of them.
Want to hear something amazing? I think Whitie rejected herself simply cuz she had a primal self with primal feelings. Her M made her feel as if she were a hypocrite if she did not ACT with her primal self, all the time. IOW, she was a liar if she was giving when she FELT selfish. Does anyone understand this?
I think I am gonna post a Board topic on this.
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Whitie's emotional pain is bad, tonight. She sees her M's face as it is. She feels emotional memories before she went numb.The pain of coming out of dissociation is bad.
Being numb is protection from feelings but numbness can make you scream .It is like being in permanent novacaine.
Mother was not right but Whitie could not face it. It was too scary and horrible. Mother is mentally ill. Whitie was always smarter .At 14, Whitie went numb.
The pain of getting back in to her body is bad. Please pray for her if you are a praying person.
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Whitie hates to say she is happy cuz then she waits for the Sword of Damacles to fall. To love yourself would be about the best gift there was .It is within your reach but can be so far when you have lost the way.
Doors must open ever so slowly for you to finally touch a little of yourself
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We toy with getting rid of Whitie and then we let her back. Whitie is a mixed bag. Sometimes, you need to examine life from an observer point of view.Whitie can do that.
Blackie is chomping at the bit to live a little having been resigned to the cellar for so long.
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Whitie seems to be in a state of exhaustion. Blackie is being born and it is hard . Blackie lives in their body, not outside it like Whitie.
Blackie can take care of them. Whitie can't cuz she has to take care of everyone else. Whitie is so nice, you know.
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Whitie calls herself--cerdo. It is pig in Spanish. Her house is disorganized cuz that is what a cerdo deserves. When she gets dressed, she prays she has underwear that fits and that it is in the right drawer.
It is the home of cerdo.
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Blackie bought a book on house organization .
When the house is clean, you will know that Blackie made the long journey through the birth canal.
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Right now, Whitie's body wants to cry. Her soul wants to cry. Her cells want to cry. She is exhausted. For anyone that went back in their body : is this how it is?
She must be getting better. She is having memories that have emotions with them from BEFORE she went numb. She could not access emotions with the memories before.
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Blackie used to sit with her own evil when she was young. Yuch--what yucky things are within the human. You have to accept it or be the receptacle of other people's evil. Not everyone will throw their evil on you but the ones who don't own it will. Sometimes, everyone will.
Blackie knew that. That is why she had to die and Whitie had to take over. Blackie knew too much for a kid with a Wacko Mother and a Father who would never defend her. She knew too much.
Whitie was born when they were 14.Whitie is numb. Whitie is a big, smiley, giving ,considerate false self. It is not that all Whitie's traits are bad. They are not. It is just that she is stuck in them. Being stuck is dangerous. It is like being in a car which only has one speed. How you gonna merge with the traffic? How you gonna drive on the highway, city traffic? How you gonna F ing drive at all?
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Whitie is letting Blackie tell her about evil. Blackie can see it .
Blackie can see real. Blackie can learn.
Whitie is very tired, today.
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Blackie is very insightful.
Blackie can look in to someone's eyes and know them.
She had this from a little kid until she went numb at 14 .
Blackie would not have been abused.She had a basic pride in herself.
She was smart and had a sense of who she was.She liked herself. Why not?
She was put on earth to express who SHE was, not try to be someone else.
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What is emotional health? Maybe , a fierce loyalty to yourself. It is impossible to take care of the world.
Blackie wants to live the truth.
If Blackie writes an autobiography it will be called "Truth Can Be A Ball Buster But Lies Are Worse" By Blackie Van Buren.
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Whitie is meek, "this old thing", never has anger, always understands, always FORGIVES. To be an abused person, you have to FORGIVE . Blackie died at 14.
Whitie went on, married an abusive man and has stayed there.
Blackie thinks it is the biggest bullshit going but Blackie is not strong enough to make a difference yet.
Ami is the adult. She is present and can figure out things in a logical and real way. Blackie is more "F U. Sometimes, that is not what is called for. Ami is strong and not overly shamed but does not have the same fighting spirit as Blackie. Blacke has a teens confidence.
Ami is very good to have around. I think she just came out in a real, workable way last week at the memorial service. She made a dumb joke and a few people laughed but she was not shamed. She can make a mistake and laugh at herself. So, what?
Ami can handle things cuz she is not recycling in Mother's bullshit. Being there is new for us.
We have been lost in the past, all the time.
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Terrified Ami is stuck in the past with Mother raging and smirking . She wants to die. It was so horrible and terrible to have a Mother like that.
Little Ami comes out when people get angry or remind her of Mother. She has profound hopelessness.
Mother was evil.
Mother wanted us to think we were evil. She made us afraid of all our impulses and of letting anyone KNOW what we thought or feel.
I think we were just human and all humans have the capacity for evil. The main thing is to face it in yourself. Then, you won't have to morph it out on others .
Whitie is exhausted ,today, but going to the drinking group , anyway. Whitie has poor boundaries and does things so people won't be mad.
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We have a new person. She was born last week. She is Ami.
Ami was born last week at the Memorial service .
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Last night, Ami had a wonderful time at the drinking group. She is strong, not overly shamed and can figure out things cuz she is in the now, not the past.
I figured out what happened when Whitie was born at 14. Blackie and Ami died. Ami was just about being born at that time. She was starting the adventure of life as a whole person : testing her wings of independence.
When her F shocked her at 14, she died. Blackie ,the fun loving teen, died too.
Whitie came out for the first time. Whitie was not there before. I realize this cuz Blackie and Ami would not be abused so when we got married, they must have been dead.
Last night, Ami opened up in a real way to one of the girls in the drinking group. It is a secret about Whitie's Husband being abusive. To the drinking group, he is wonderful. Whitie never told the truth as any abused wife does not.
Ami is different ,though. She did not do it to be vindictive. She sat next to Jean cuz Jean is s/one she admires. She wanted to find out about Jean's life.
Ami told Jean about her real life not Whitie's sanitized for public version. Jean hugged her.
Jean wanted to meet the guy at the next table so Ami walked over and asked if he wanted to join us. Ami has more confidence than Whitie . If you know yourself, people can't take you away from yourself that fast.
Whitie is the only one who is married. Blackie and Ami are single. Terrified Ami, of course, is too young to be married. So, we have five, now.
We can see Mother better. She is ugly, gross like a pig,cerdo.
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Mother's face is awful. You all know that if you have an N for a mother. An NM's face is just Yuch, especially the smirks. How would you like Jack Nicholsen in The Shining to be your mother? That is why Terrified Ami is hopeless. She never grew up.She is back there now, in a time warp .
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Whitie feels afraid. All Mother's views were fucked. Excuse my French.
Whitie feels on the edge of freak out.
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Mother hated that Ami wanted to be moral : have values, integrity, character.
Now that Ami is out, she wants to have the values she had to throw away when she was younger . That is important to her. It is the core of her, her strength.
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When Ami was small, she remembers feeling like values provided a core of strength . They were signposts like the Stop sign. You would get killed if you didn't follow it.
Values helped you navigate life. Mother hated values more than anything. She would rage and smirk,"There IS no right or wrong". She would laugh at Ami when Ami wanted to be a person with values.
Now, Ami can take the values back. F mother and her stupidities.
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There are two parts which cause us the most distress. There is Terrified Ami and Bad Ami. Bad Ami thinks bad thoughts and has bad feelings. The bad feelings and thoughts are everything Mother raged at like selfishness and needs.
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The hard parts are these two--Terrified Ami and Bad Ami. Terrified Ami thinks she will dissolve in to molecules in certain situations like doctors and dentists.
Terrified Ami worries day and night about these. They make her exhausted.
Bad Ami feels all sorts of selfish and self centered things. She also has needs from simple things like food and water to complex needs like love, comfort. and dependency . All needs are bad cuz Mother rages when Bad Ami is anything other than a blank slate.
Who does Bad Ami think she is to need anything? It makes Mother rage and smirk badly and it is very ,very scary.
Bad Ami took all the needs and bad feelings and squished them away in a hole. However, things stuck in holes don't stay down forever.If you don't face them, they come up as all sorts of things like phobias.
Bad Ami is really sick of carrying all this garbage.it is heavy,heavy, heavy.
Bad Ami needs to check out the "bad" thing with other people. She doesn't have to ask direct questions, just look and see what is out there.
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Ami is gonna get a new name---Jesse Ann.It blends masculine and feminine. She is present in current time, not lost in Mother's world. She sees gray.
She is gray and other people are ,too. Yippee. You never thought gray could be so exciting but it is.
Jesse Ann loves gray!
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Last night, Jesse Ann woke up at 2 AM. Guess what?She did not feel connected to Mother. She felt like she had a Siamese twin operation. Yippee. She dumped Mother off and ran away fast, leaving Mother lost somewhere to find her own way home.
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Can Jesse be a real person with definite boundaries?
Have you ever seen Jon Bon Jovi interviewed. He does not let himself be defined. With all his fame, he seems to have narcissism where it belongs.
N's think they are nothing. Little Voices think they are little.
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Jesse Ann is with it. She does not have her head up her ass like some people we know --Whitie.
Mother programmed Whitie like the poor people drinking Kool Aid.
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Whitie has taken a back seat . Jesse Ann wants to start learning again.
Whacko Mother had to feel good about herself at all costs. Whitie was nothing but someone to feed her. It is disgusting but that is Mother. You all know how N's are and that is how they are.
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Who is Jesse Ann? She does not know. We all know that feeling if we had N parents. We had to go in to hiding cuz the parent demanded all,everything.
We got through the best we could. Usually, we came out the walking wounded. Jesse wants to feel who it is she is. I know you understand.
She is gonna look within and see what is there. It is probably icky like much of human nature but you can choose good and that can be beautiful.
It is a complicated bag.
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When I see the Bon Jovi interviews, I see that no one HAS to define you. He defines himself. Some people want to make him in to a super star. He stays humble and won't allow it. Some people want to make him in to a sex symbol. He won't allow that either. He has a core. Jesse wants a core. Who the hell is worth to define her?
Who is the person you can give your self definition to ?
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Perhaps, that is where mirroring comes in. If you were mirrored,maybe you have a core YOU can see . Without it, who are you?
You can be mirrored in later life.Dr G's essays talk about this.
If you are mirrored you can see yourself .Maybe,humans NEED it to become people accepting all their parts.
Maybe, it is as simple as that.
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((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AMI))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
simples.
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Thank you ((((Portia))))))) Love you, Ami
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It is very tiring to become real : very, very tiring. It is all about the BAD. The BAD rides you : chases you down.
One day, I want to say F U to the BAD, F U!
It is not the right time.
The BAD still seems real. It rides me and I can't throw it off .
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One day, I will laugh. "You stupid BAD" I will say.
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Whitie had an A-Ha experience. Last night, she realized she was a separate person. I know it sounds crazy but she did not know it before in her heart. In your heart is all that really matters.
Whitie's NM is a therapist so knowing in your head means shit. Excuse the French.
Whitie thought people were good or bad based on HER not on them.
IOW, people were not how they were, themselves. They were not extrinsically what they were. If Whitie were only good enough, everyone would be good.
This is so hard to explain but I know it has a name somewhere. It is an enmeshment with the external world where YOU can control how other people actually are if YOU are only a certain way.
They are not people in their own right.
Whatever this is, it ain't good but Whitie saw it.
There are people on the Board and in 3D life who will be who they are and if Whitie is the
Queen of England, they will not change. They are fixed in who they are. That showed Whitie that her M was fixed.
I am sure this is a lesson people learn early on but with an NM you are fighting to simply survive so many life lessons pass you by as we on the Board know.
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Whitie found a therapist who works with dissociation.She read a passage in the dissociation book which talks about heroic efforts just to get through the day. She has done that since 14.
She reached out for help. The therapist sounded warm and didn't act like Whitie was crazy. Please pray for Whitie if you are a praying person.
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Whitie has learned about dissociation. It is a name to what has been wrong with her. It names all the strangeness.
Now, she can try to come out of it.
There is a person under the numb. There is someone there who is real.
She was never mentally ill. Her M told her that her primal nature was BAD. She is seeing that she is human and all humans have a primal nature.
That was the BAD.
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I keep trying to explain what a girl did to Whitie and then it gets too complicated and I stop. Maybe, I could give a loose explanation cuz it has to do with the primal nature.
D clawed her way out of bad circumstances and has a side which is vindictive. Whitie was never on the receiving end. Whitie asked D something.it was a question that would have given Whitie peace and meant nothing to D.
D blew herself up like a blowfish and attacked Whitie.
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Whitie wants to learn so she stepped back to assess the situation. D let her primal nature out.
Whitie learned from it and was actually glad it happened.
You can learn more from the bad times than the good if you can process them right.
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The best part was that Whitie struck back .Whitie stood up for herself in a strong way. Whitie does not start fights but needs to know she can fight back.
Mother made Whitie feel guilty for WANTING to have boundaries and defend them. That was the main way Mother destroyed Whitie. If people hurt Whitie, she could not defend herself. She had to take it cuz she was BAD. She deserved it. Mother made her impotent in life so Mother could abuse her as much as Mother wanted. Mother made her a perfect abused person--no voice, no hands to fight.
That was the reason Whitie's life went down in a nutshell.
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Whitie is just starting to SEE. She can look at something and see it for itself, not for what SHE made it do or be. IOW, events happen on their own.
I know this sounds whacked cuz it is. It must be early childhood thinking.
It is hard to come out of being frozen but Whitie was frozen cuz Mother was scary as Hell.
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Whitie has gone through so many changes.
Coming out of numb is hard like climbing out of a vat of split pea soup. You slide down the sides of the pan. Only after you try a hundred times do you get an inch of traction.
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You take that traction,look around and try to absorb what you learned. Then, more traction and the process continues. Whitie thinks that she may just give up, jump in the soup and be done .
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All problems seem to come down to BAD/GOOD. Is this the eternal struggle for the abused child? Am I bad,bad, bad?
Whitie has always been able to look normal . People think she is fine but down deep is the abused child stuffed inside like a woman in tight clothing.
It is grotesque .
People don't get it .
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For all the abused children out there I say a prayer. May you find who you are way down deep and know that God made you and everything He made is good. Amen.
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Amiiiiiii
God made me an atheist. What do I know?
Whitie thinks that she may just give up, jump in the soup and be done . Oh she can think that, but she can't do that, i don't think. Can you unknow what you know? (self-inflicted bang onthe head?)
Bad/good........................no/yes on/off ....maybe, possibly, perhaps, both at once. I was reading about E-Prime recently and could see a benefit! Was Lucifer all bad? Maybe I shouldn't ask that one. Oh now I'm having a conversation about what was that Rolling Stones film called, the one from way back, with John and Yoko in it... may have to resort to the big G...something circus?.. Keep at it girl! x
PS Rock and roll circus. "Just as every cop is a criminal and all the sinners, Saints".
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Hi (((Portia))))
Thanks for your comments. I love them! x o x Ami
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Whitie's stomach hurts--days and days. Her stomach feels for her. It goes out with tentacles and examine situations . It takes the pain and anger for Whitie who stays behind.
Whitie is not too skinny now like the old days. You have to be careful when your stomach starts doing what your head should.
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I think it is about simple protection of the self. How it comes so easily to some.People who know they are worth protecting, so effortlessly.
Whitie used to protect herself so long ago.
It was so long ago that it feels like a past life.
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How to abuse someone? Take away their reality. Replace it with yours. Skew them so badly they can never come back. Then, they are yours like some drone, android.
That is Whtie's story in two sentences.
How to get back??? How???
Carl Jungs quote below----Listen within. Listen under the Bad.
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Whitie is coming out of shock .Whitie was in some nether land. Whitie did not know how to scream so anyone could help. Her body screamed with sickness. Her mind screamed with emotions gone awry.
"Help me. Will someone help me?" It was like Kitty Genovese. She died with a crowd present. No one could hear or no one cared.
One or the other.
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Have you ever been frozen with "bad". It creeps on you or can come suddenly. I am letting it stay. I am looking. This is who you are --I say.
It is you from whom I have been running . Sit on my shoulder and stay awhile.
What can you really do anyway?
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Guess What? Whitie's husband is going to the lawyer. Whitie finally got some bollas and told him the truth. She feels nothing.
Whitie is the consummate chicken. You know that but even the biggest chickens want a shred of integrity.
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How would it feel to live with your own sense of self ?It has been so long that her self felt like a foreigner . Inside, she is amorphous . That led her to this mess in the first place .
We call it Voiceless.
That is the upcoming chapter for me.
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Gonna be 30 years in a few days. That would be called a try . Wouldn't you say ?
When Whitie goes, the old ideas go .
Was there really a life of lovely girls with Ivy League educations marrying Ivy guys : children , houses, designer clothes, lunch at Lord and Taylor: a petite salad for a lovely girl who does not eat much so she can fit in to a designer size six.
Did it exist outside the realm of imagination?
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Whitie stopped developing at 14, emotionally, anyway. She is way past 14 ,of course,but not in emotions .
She stopped developing when girls were having slumber parties, talking about cute guys , going horseback riding and skating on Friday nights.
Whitie had to shut down her body so her Mother would not make the final move and actually become a lesbian in front of Whitie's beleaguered eyes.
How can you mature with that? Tell me!
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The final frontier is death. It comes to everyone, of course :lovely girls, too.
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You bargain your soul away. That could be Whities's life in a word.
Is that the life of the Voiceless child?
Why scream? Why ask? You were made to serve.
Who are you in the end ?
No one ?
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Can you ever get it back? Your self ,I mean? Back from the nether lands where you sent it.It was for purely survival purposes. I am crying while I ask this .
Can you lose the fear that hangs like fog, dense,cloying.
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You look every where for your self, precious as it is. You try it all . It fails, of course.
What do you expect looking on the outside for the inside, Silly.
You must look on the inside, hard as it might be.
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How many people have loved you and it never helped?
You have pretty designer bags and jewelry and make-up and more and more and more and more.
Is there enough to make it work?
Do you hit a magic number like the lottery and it comes out, your self esteem , that is.
I would have bought it by now, most definitely.
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"Can you ever get it back? Your self ,I mean? Back from the nether lands where you sent it.It was for purely survival purposes."
Yes, Ami, you can, you are finding you self.
(((((((((((Ami))))))))))))
xoxo,
ann
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Love you (((Ann))))
You are a loyal and wonderful friend. Thank you for your friendship! x o x o Ami
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Whitie woke up today . Some scary part inside her was gone. Yesterday, she felt needs and the pure feeling of them sent her shaking in the corner.
Needs are scary when you had to be a blank .
Whitie is an excellent blank as you might guess.
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Whitie became a blank at 14 . In an instant ,Whitie went from real girl to Pinocchio.From then on, she screamed with Pinocchio "Make me real ."
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Whitie's astrological chart never worked. It was for a lovely girl like her Aunt's daughters.The chart had a gracious ,well balanced girl in it.
Whitie asked the Astrology Board,"HOW do I have such a good chart and such a bad life?"
Her chart was wrong .
She has a Scorpio Ascendent, not Libra. Scorpio is dark with deep waters. Libra is bright like Doris day. Whitie is not Doris Day unless Doris was taking some nasty acid and happened to fall in to Whitie's chart inadvertently.
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Today was a strange day: tender love, passionate love, brotherly love, heart and soul love.Whitie does not know how to do life very well having been dissociated since 14
Love is the answer to the question though . Love is about as beautiful as it gets.Good night . Whitie
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Whitie sees new things.N Mother holds you like a guard with a prisoner on Death row. She
quells any display of independence with rages that would scare the socks off a he- man.
Then,when you are AFRAID to be independent, she blames YOU.
People spend money for therapy with her.
It is a crazy ass world!
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Whitie's autobiography would be called "It is a Crazy Ass World" By Whitie Smith.
Do lovely girls live in that world or only actual crazies like Whitie?
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Whitie started a psychological study, loose, of course. She finds a lovely girl like her friend Debbie and studies her.
So far, the lovely girl concept has holes.
Debbie is not good with relationships. Whitie tells her a few things cuz Whitie has good relationships. Whitie, HERSELF, is just a mess.
There are distinctions. Don't ask.
Anyway, Debbie is too independent to let a man fill holes.
A man wants to feel needed.
Whitie who is Swiss cheese never had that problem.
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It had to be God who threw her the life preserver .
Whitie's life is supernatural. I think everyone's is but they don't see it.
For Whitie, life fell apart like Humpty Dumpty. He couldn't hold the egg together. Was it HIS fault?
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Whitie is gonna do Yoga. The inner world is what matters. How can you control the outer? Co-dependency does not work.
If it did, that would be one thing.
She can't help the co-dependent people who are hanging on to her so how is someone supposed to help HER?
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Whitie just wants to be herself. Why not? WHO else should she be? NM?
Her aunt? Lovely girls?
She tried .
The world works as it does. You can't control it so it fits on YOUR schedule.
Your notions are just Pish-Posh .The world goes on. Maybe, it laughs at your naivete as it turns.
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Whitie is coming out of dissociation for the first time. She feels a little alive. It feels scary to say it like if she says it, someone will snatch it from under her feet.
Whitie could never be excited .NM twist her face in to a hideous monster until Whitie got back in to her place:the place of the blank.
Whitie feels a little joy--just to be alive.
She is crying cuz it feels so good .
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WHAT is under the dissociation? To feel "whatever" is better than numb.
She sees what she went through, an old rag thrown around.As a child,she told herself it was not that bad cuz she had pretty things . How could a house in the suburbs be so bad when kids were in war zones or orphanages.
Could it really BE as she sees it now?
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Whitie's Aunt, a lovely girl, told Whitie,"You KNOW who you are."
Whitie thought this was funny. Of course, Whitie did not know who she was. WHO ends up like this when they know themselves????
Lovely girls don't get it, obviously.
Her Aunt's life still works with her lunches at Bloomingdales .Their men would never be abusive. Lovely girls don't take that. If so, they run home to Mother . Mother holds their hand as they go to the divorce attorney.
The Father gets big and bad and threatens the guy.
Her Aunt told her about a girl who married an Iranian guy. He turned some kind of crazy on the honeymoon. (Don't go there)
Her parents helped her get out. She was not resigned to a life of chattel.
This lovely girl was married for 3 weeks, not 30 years. Gonna be Whitie's 30 year Anniversary soon. H says 'What do you want to do to celebrate?"
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You, as a child of an N, don't see YOURSELF.You can't hear your OWN screams. That is it. When the parents are dead and gone, you are still screaming madly.
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Whitie is coming out of dissociation. She should write a second book after the first ---- It's A Crazy Ass World". This one would be" Steps to Coming out of Dissociation" by Whitie Smith.
The first step would be "Don't Panic"
Whitie has been on the verge of panic.
God made shock for a purpose. You have oodles and oodles of pain under it.
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People get broken. There should be a broken factory where all the broken people go and heal.
She wanted all the broken people to be better to help her. She screamed and screamed for them to help her but she may as well have been under glass.
Then, in time, she was.
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Who ARE you when you are a blank? Are you the false self you think you are--Miss Congeniality. Are you the deep self---primal instincts. They don't seem like they go together to be a whole person.
Then, there is the social self. You HAVE to have one.
To be a member of society, you have to follow rules. The rules are the fabric of human interaction. So, you have a social self ,too.
Why is it SO hard to integrate them all?
Why does it seem like alll the selves are separate and fragmented, warring with each other?
This is a real question,if someone could answer?
Ami
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Maybe I will post it on the Board---Do You Feel You Have All These Separate Selves Warring With Each Other?"
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WHO the Hell are you when you are disassociated? I know the N is disassociated. My H is. I can SEE it in people ,now
My M masturbated in front of me--put me on the floor ---in front of her when I was 3-4 years old.
IS that disassociated or NOT?
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I feel more present, more real. My dream is to be real, to feel real. What a dream to have. You think people's dreams are so different than wanting to be real but that is my dream, for sure. Ami
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Whitie is coming out of dissociation. Feeling real is like breathing clean,mountain air. Is life really out there that is not under distorted glass like a myopic lens.
It was Whitie who was not real, not other people.
Nothing felt real in her life except her children.
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Whitie wakes up every day at 3 AM. She SEES Mother. She sees her life. Her stomach hurts. Was it really this way?
So much denial . She had pretty things. Was there really abuse or did she make it all up--Big Baby that she is.
Is she simply an old horse who should be beaten ONE more time to get her moving?
Was it real? Was it real?
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She was punished for wanting any self. To Whitie, a self is better than anything, as you know.A self makes the world bearable not some horrible monster bearing down on you.
Whitie had to escape in to her room. She was too fragile for the world without the armor of a self. She let people pick her apart like birds of prey.
Everyone was mother. Everyone was her past.
The past was the present. Everything was numb. Whitie had to hold on to herself so she wouldn't scream and scream and scream and then they would take her away.
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She didn't want to be taken away to mental health people. Mother was a mental health person. Is the world topsy -turvey ?
Mother hangs out a shingle and people come.
That is it's own chapter in Whitie's book "It's a Crazy Ass World" by Whitie Smith.
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God sends Whitie wonderful people. That one is a sure thing. Whitie gets the best of the best. God watches over the orphans ,most especially.
Whitie quotes the verse "When my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will lift me up."
God hears. I am sure of it.
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Having Friends
Whitie used to be a very sociable person long ago when she had a self. Whitie liked to go out and do things. Then, nothing mattered.
Life was like walking through mud--one foot after another.
She looked down the line to see if there was any hope. Maybe far away off in the distance but when she got there it was gone.
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Hope is powerful. Whitie can tell you that no hope takes you on the road to death. Whitie is in her pretty house just as in childhood .
Whitie can't get out just as in childhood. This time there is a door but Whitie can't take it .
White is frozen moving her mouth in a frozen smile .
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Intimacy is so scary: in to me--see.The last time Whitie was vulnerable, NM seared her with a hot iron.It hurts Whities stomach to think of letting someone in.
Whitie hopes when her self gets stronger it will be more tolerable.
When you know who you are and that no one can take it from you, it should be OK. I would think :?.
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You know the whole joke of the thing? Whitie is just like anyone else--a person. All the bad was just BS. Mother and all her BAD was nothing but nothing.
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Whitie is coming out of dissociation. The depression is a ball buster--pure and simple.
There is no good way to say it. The pain is terrible .
Whitie feels it as sharper, now. It wants to pull her down. She remembers having panic attacks at a young age--maybe even before Kindergarten.
She was afraid to go to sleep cuz she might die. She was afraid to go out of the house cuz she might get sick.
She knew that life was not safe. NM might just go over the carefully balanced edge in to who knows what.
She had to be so much smarter than your average kid .
It takes a terrible toll : pushing things down, down, down.
They have to go somewhere. Don' t they?
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They go down, down ,down to some nether depths where they become soup. The problem is the soup won't stay there.It boils over when you are trying to do normal things like have a relationship.
It doesn't work,long term , to keep adding to the soup and not expect to go postal ,one day.
It is just how it is.
HOW do they go postal, anyway?
The soup just boiled over cuz it reached the top and there was no place to go---duh?
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The pain of coming out of disassociation is really hard. I don't know if anyone has been there.Alice Miller writes about it. Sometimes Alice Miller is the only one who keeps you sane.
I chose the non drug route but it really hurts. I will say that and need to. Just need to say it.
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(((((((((Ami))))))))) my bud
yes and the rewards (of reality) are equally strong. I just went through some 'aftershocks': deliberately thinking about/remembering some 'unreal'/fake/drama crappola that I 'witnessed' last year. I say witnessed, because I was thinking.....I 'saw' what was happening, I was the witness, the seeing witness, amongst....I dunno: other players in the manufactured drama. What did they all see? What could I have seen through their eyes? Not as much, I think. Some days it is a heavy weight; other days it is much lighter. Just ordinary days! One after another.
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So beautiful to see your response ((Portia)))) Thank you, Sweetie, so much. x o x o Ami
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Whitie has this horrible habit of her stomach feeling feelings for her. When she feels close to someone or afraid or any number of things, her stomach hurts.
It is some kind of first line of defense thing.
Whitie has a stomach ache cuz she is being more real.
When she was real Mother hurt her. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOOOOOOO ARE?
It cut her down to where it was supposed to. She is still afraid of those words.
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Whitie is coming out of disassociation. She is afraid to SAY it. Mother always hurt her when good things happened. Whitie had to hide them away like a squirrel with nuts .
Last night, Whitie went out to dinner and met a couple she has known for years. The wife gave Whitie a baby shower. Whitie's mother came down for it.
You would think Whitie was a real person with all the real person things she was doing.
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Whitie only looked real, though. You know that.
In Whitie's unreal life,she had a good mother she could call about anything. She called mother every day. It didn't matter that Mother harangued Whitie.
If Whitie was not bad ,mother would not do it . So, Whitie tried to be better.
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Whitie made a decision long ago that she could not trust herself and that Mother was good. She made it on a summer night when she was 13.
She was walking down the street in a beach town. She thought,"IS this right or CRAZY?"
She decided it was right.
Then Whitie became like stagnant waters. Her body grew but she stayed locked in time at 13.
Her friend says,'Whitie YOU are a teenager." She is,in part, frozen there.
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Her friend says'Whitie has several distinct people(multiple?????).She has a terrified child frozen at an early age She has a" girls just want to have fun" teen. The teen can say "F it".
She has Sane Jane. That was from her G M most definitely.
She has Mother Teresa but Whitie killed her. She is the one who has to be perfect.
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Why does Whitie have to see life as real at this late date? It just happened that way. In the hiatus , she found God:small price to pay.
Yes, she found God when she was in the grasp of NM pushing her down to insanity.Whitie was a good fighter. I should respect her for that. Even Ray said so, nice life that he had .
Ray never had to jettison himself. He doesn't get how the mechanism works. How could he?
I don't understand the black experience in America cuz I never had it.
It is like that. If you want someone to understand disassociation, they have had to have it.
The thought hit Whitie that if she EVER gets out, she could help others. She would have to get out first, though.Otherwise, she would not know the way in her true heart.
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Whitie is getting more real every day. She can see herself. You know what is weird?When you don't see yourself you are so used to it that you do not realize you don't.
Someone would have to have been there to get this.
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maybe it was like: everyone else seems solid and you're semi-permeable. How did they get so solid? (because they must have started out like you at some point, right?)
Feel yourself walking this planet 8)
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(((Portia))))
Wouldn't it be wonderful to take your own space and just own it cuz it was your right? x o x o x o Ami
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It is my right (now) and I do own it. But I know what you mean. I had to fight for it. I also fight to defend it. It's all metaphors, all the time, in our heads - and out of our heads! x
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Whitie has to come and talk. In the old days, when Whitie had a true self, not a fractured one, life was easier. Whitie's thoughts and feelings were "human"---not BAD.
She could trust herself.You know what she would give for that now : Millions and Millions and Millions.To be centered in who you are, to know that you are human, to know that your thoughts and feelings are NOT you. Maybe, those are little things to a person whose self did not get fractured but to Whitie they are gold and she is panning desperately .
She knows what she wants, how it feels. Sometimes, for brief moments, she can get there in the clean, clear air.
It doesn't last and the smog comes down again and she is gasping for breath.
PS ---Hi (((((Buddy Portia))))))
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Whitie can feel and touch reality sometimes. She can force herself to be in the present moment where the ghosts of M are gone. She can shake herself off and Mother goes with it.
Then she says"How silly ."
Mother is far away. Why are you still living as if she were near, in your every thought, every word.
Why?
It makes no sense.
Last night, Whitie went to a party. WHY does Whitie have to be the life of the party? Why does she have to be the conversationalist?
Why does she have to be "on"?
If you want to be friendly but quiet--isn't that OK?
I mean----why not?
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Whitie TOLD her H she can't have sex just cuz someone wants it. Why is she telling her deepest thoughts to a website?
She told him that her heart and body must go in the same direction.
Can you believe life is so whacked that this even has to be said?
Well ,"Go to the lawyer", she said.
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She just can't keep selling herself, little by little, teeny by teeny until you get so small you are a speck .That would be Whitie's other autobiography. "I Got to a Speck and Dissapeared"
You can have two autobiographies. Different things happen, for Goodness Sake, after you wrote the last one.
Do you expect life to be linear or something?
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You have to have self respect. Who was the one who sold her the bill of goods that you could take care of Mother for your whole life and have THAT work?
Not in this universe.
You have to have self respect or life will teach you hard lessons. Whitie knows of what she speaks on this one.
Where is Helen? Whitie could get better some day soon and the party will have to be cancelled :?
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Last night, Whitie went to a party. WHY does Whitie have to be the life of the party? Why does she have to be the conversationalist?
Why does she have to be "on"?
If you want to be friendly but quiet--isn't that OK?
I mean----why not?
This rang true to my heart.
Being "on" is exhausting.
I have two "ons" when I'm with people I care for I want to make them happy. Quiet.......hmmmmmm.....I always hear whats wrong. Sometimes I'm just to tired to be on.
When I'm with jerks I've got my shield and try and play sometimes. stupid....ouch
I know this thread must be or I hope it is a therapeutic compass for you. Learing along with you. Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I hope it feels good not to pretend. ((Ami))
seasons xoxo
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Dear ((((Seasons)))
I love when I see your name on here. I get excited. Seasons is listening and understands! x o x o x o Ami
It is therapeutic to express the things we never could express cuz we would get humiliated.
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Whitie has had so many changes in her progress away from Mother's program for her destruction. It IS that:what N's do to you. Probably, they don't mean it but they do it anyway.
They take you to the side of the road and push you in:road kill.
There you are :disarmed road kill.
Life doesn't work.
You have no tools for your own honor and self respect.
It doesn't work. It just doesn't
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Whites stomach has been bad for 4 days. Ouch, the pain of a suppressed self and anger the size of a volcano. It is a hell of a lot to carry in your stomach.
Whitie carries the fear of people getting angry at her in her stomach.
All the old ghosts are pulling the old strings.
Will it ever stop?
Will she ever be free, away from it and see with her own eyes?
That is the million dollar question for children of N's.
Will they ever be able to see themselves? That is the root,I think:always begging the outside world to tell you who you are.
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This is Whitie's conclusion after 7000 plus posts on the Board: a fractured self is the problema. The self got fractured cuz it was not mirrored. You developed patterns to try to make sense of your life like you are bad and if you only were perfect you would be loved.
The patterns persist long after the N's are gone.
Everyone becomes the N . Everything is a repeat of the past.
You live in the time warp running on the gerbil wheel until you die.
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Yesterday,Whitie had a Faulkner kind of day. All paths led to home i.e. nowhere. Hence , the quote at the bottom which says"Why bother?" in fancy language.
Today, she sees a bit above the morass.
If YOU can change, all can change. That is some Buddist saying. The eye that sees alters all or something .
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Whitie is getting real, though. That was her goal and she is failing her way to success by being real and scared and hurting and out there.
The goal is not a relationship . The goal is to be real. The rest comes later. It is the later chapters in the book, not the preface or the intro.
That must be the problem. We all want the relationship when we don't have the chapters written.
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Whitie has spent her life from 14 in someone else's brain. Maybe her Aunt and Ray have it together. HOW does that help Whitie? Nada.
She has to learn to master her own reality;scary thing that it is.
You ,probably, know how it feels to be BAD. All abused kids do.
Yes, that is what I think.
That happens with abuse.
Most of us on this Board have been abused .
If you haven't ,don't take offense:consider yourself lucky and have some grace for those of us who have.
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Whitie has been doing the trick of seeing through someone else's eyes.I think that must be an abused persons MO. I am quite sure of it.
Whitie was a blank to herself so then what?
You have to function somehow:figure things out somehow.
What do you do?
Try to be normal. Try to find normal people and act like they do.
It makes sense but breaks down somewhere ,hopefully, really.
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Ray and her Aunt are normal, in Whitie's categorization . She tried to become them, really.
She put them in the good slot and she was in the bad one.
She was the split off part of an NM so give her a break. Will you??????
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Yes, she was a morph of a person.
So, things did not work well. Yeah!
Things were screwy. Yeah!
Well, that is what happens when Faulkner's reality runs your life. The past keeps repeating.
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The air feels fresh away from Mother land. How could Whitie have believed the lies?
It must be the death hammer with which the NM wields your life . It has to be. You will die if you don't conform. You will be kicked out.
That is why you morph and morph until you are a freak.
Then, freak that you are: what do you DO?
You look desperately for the key -run, run, run.
Where AM I? you ask.
Echoes come back from the blankness.
That is the problem.
IF Whitie ever does counseling, she will help people get out of disassociation.
She is not out ,yet,but getting there, little by little.
PS Hi Helen!
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Whitie had a terrible day but it was real. Boy, you can hurt when you are real as opposed to unreal where everything is numb. Add to that , that you can be stupid, make mistakes , hurt and be real and you got what is called NOT disassociated.
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Whitie is NOT gonna ask,'What do normal people feel?" She feels what she does. That is part of the key out. She does not have to ask someone HOW she is supposed to feel. She just feels. This is new,of course.
Before, she tried to feel normal.
Today, someone got really angry at Whitie. I thought her heart would burst,literally, from pain and shock.
The last time it felt that way was when Scott died.
She can feel ,now.
To love is to hurt. She sees that .
It is how it is.
She tries so hard to be perfect but sometimes it falls down. That must be real, too: all comes falling down cuz you screwed up.
Whitie gave up a long time ago so really didn't experience anything.
She has only loved a few people in her life.
Her mother broke her heart so it stays safely locked inside or it did.
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Then, she took it(her heart) out and OUCH. Is this how normal people feel? Oh, she wasn't supposed to ask that?Or if she does SHE has to answer "Yes it is.
You can always check out your feelings with people. That should be Ok.
She wants to ask'If someone you love gets angry at you, does your heart feel like it will break?"
It is a real question.
Whitie has been so disassociated from her emotions that she is not sure but HER heart feels that way and that is how it is.
She told Ray and he said to just enjoy the day. That might be what a normal person would say. It probably would be what a mature person would say but Whitie is growing up from 14 so does not see it that way.
It is OK. She sees it her way. Maybe,she will stay 14 forever,in a time warp.
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She wants to ask'If someone you love gets angry at you, does your heart feel like it will break?"
Ami,
I think that if you have been where we have been--yes, it does.
I have felt this and it almost feels like the earth as wobbled on its axis. Nothing will ever be right again. Yes, it feels like a death.
And then you recover. The pain recedes. You do this over and over again, until you don't any more. I dont know when or why it stops, but you just have to wait it out until it happens. But, in the meantime, it is pretty painful. It may help to know that there is an end to it.
CB
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Thank you (((CB)))
Yesterday, I thought I WOULD die. I prayed to God that they would not have to take me to the Emergency Room (lol) but it passed .
When it passes, you can see yourself a little better.
It is like a fire of refinement. It burns off a few of the awful layers we had to take on to survive .
What would it feel like to KNOW your feelings and thoughts and just BE ok with them ;not crucifying yourself for EVERY slip from perfection.
That would be a trip to Hawaii for the daughter of an NM. It would be for me.
Thanks for being there, CB !
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The NM has a death script for you. I see that. My life became a death script when my mother molested me. She used me cuz she wanted to hurt a living creature . She wanted to throw her pain and shame OUT of her and on to another living soul.It was like witchcraft. You light the candle and send the curse to another. You send the energy off to the victim.
*i* took it on for survival purposes. If I didn't,I thought SHE would die. It was my job to carry it. I could never be TOO good. I could show her up.
I had to be good enough to make her proud but a loser enough so she could still throw the garbage on me . I had to be a WILLING garbage pail.
She left a message on my cell phone ,yesterday.
I heard the prowling, the stalking , the hungry beast who wanted to feed on my core :the little that is left.*I* should not have ANY left. She wants to eat up the last bit.
She was questioning, wondering. WHERE did the prey go? The prey was supposed to be there for ME.
It is the Wicked Witch in Wizard of Oz ;"I will get you, my pretty"
WHO could stand to see something like this and live?
Tell me,who would not disassociate?
Is there someone strong enough to withstand this and be sane?
Seriously.
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I know not all mothers are like this. My Aunt isn't. Ray would kill for his daughter. I will never know that.
I have good things, too, but I have to find the real part.
That is my quest--panning for gold but it is NOT gold. I am panning for real.
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Please tell me if you know more than I do here ((((((Ami)))))) BUT
is there an accepted usable definition of 'Sane'????
Very difficult to define I think. I'm feeling that sane is where you are and where many other people are not. But I know a lot of NUTTERS - and they're not typing on this here board :lol:
Love, P
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Are you saying you think *I* am sane ,Portia? If so, it would be a great compliment cuz my M made me doubt my sanity, very badly. That was the chief way she undermined me.
((((Portia))) Thanks for being there. I love to see your name! x o x o Ami
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Oh yes Ami. But - it doesn't matter what I think, right? It also doesn't matter whether you think you are 'sane' or not (but if it helps, go for it!). Whatever gives you psychic peace, your sense of belonging on this here planet, your right to take up space (as someone wise once described it here), whatever it takes in terms of thinking and labels, so long as it helps and doesn't harm. BUT...........I think I can tell a full-on nutbar (inhuman-human) from a human-human, so, please take that as you may...
Thank *you* for being there too Ami.
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That is so sweet (((Portia)))
What a warm fuzzy ! Love you , Ami
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Whitie feels happy. That is a switch and scary. Mother would always pull away her happiness . "Who was Whitie to feel good?"
Whitie was supposed to serve HER.Who did Whitie think she was to want to be a person?
No, Whitie ,you are not allowed such luxuries. You serve Mother!
That is your role on this earth.
Mother takes your life and you better not complain.It is her right.
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Mother is angry cuz Whitie is NOT calling back. Whitie is getting away. Ha ha. Mother must be shitting a brick--"cuse my French.Mother does not like people who get away :not at all.
It was not part of Mother's script that you could escape. No, sir. You were supposed to be stepping and fetching for mother until you die
Mother is damn angry. I can hear it in her voice.
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You all know what Whitie has been through. You have been through most of it, yourselves. Can anyone ever get better? Whitie thinks ,perhaps.
God can send wonderful people who love you b/c they are wonderful.
It is Divine. Then, you can start to love yourself and break the spell.
Mother's magic is only a spell . When you see it, it is gone. There is only smoke and Mother is left there, standing, the smirk wiped off her ugly face as you walk away.
Probably Mother could have helped it. We all have a conscience. Mother wanted to hurt a weaker person.Kids are the weakest and Mother loved it.
She knew right from wrong and does now.
That is the last(I hope) piece of the puzzle. Mother hurt me cuz I was weak and had no one to protect me. My F was emasculated(the nice form of the word) so Mother had free reign. I was a vulnerable kid, perfect to hurt, needing love, needing security, easy to frighten, easy to shock, easy to push down.
Somewhere in this universe God will take care of Mother in His way.
That is God's domain , not Whities.
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Whitie is in love. I need to tell you.
This love likes Whitie JUST as she is: not giving her a grocery list of changes and come back when you DO it.
Can you believe she is loved--just like that.It is like an" As Is "sale and Whitie is the" As is." Someone says "I like this torn blouse. It fits me just fine. "
Hope is very precious for an abused kid with a death wish from the age of 3.
Let her hope,OK?
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WHY can't Whitie own the real estate she has been given :herself,of course. Why must she be the Mutable woman :selling her soul, emotions, heart,mind, all of it , to outrun shame. WHY?
WHY must she be better than average humanity?
Please, tell her body that she doesn't have to run this psychotic race to the death ." Die, die, die" the voice says.
Her own mothers voice: a death voice.
How do you make sense of that?
How does your body walk away from the death voice. You were SUPPOSED to die. How can you turn your back on all of it?
What will you have: no memories, no warmth where you can rest in safety, nothing.
That is what the numb is .
God provides it : a blanket for His children.
How hard it is to take off : the death blanket.
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This morning, Whitie felt the presence of God.
You have to heal ,first, before you consider a relationship .
A relationship adds to your already there self:same for the other person.
She was badly beaten up but always had something, some spark.
God always held Whitie tightly.
Astrology has her sun in in the same degree as the most favored star.
She has always had blessings come ,at the last minute sometimes, but always.
She has gobs of stories of Divine intervention.
Trust, trust, trust. There is something greater than Whitie, greater than all people.
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Whitie's basic conclusion is that you HAVE to defend your basic piece of real estate :you. As a child of an NM, you had better be there for her. You had no choice.
So, you go through life as the biggest, F ing ,co-dependent there is.
Then, you wake up and say "No More"
That is where Whitie is.
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Have to come this thread when I don't know what to do with myself.
I am coming out of disassociation and it hurts so badly. It hurt like Hell to stay in it ,too.
I know you understand. We had N families(most of us) and you dissociate or get some kind of crazy .
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Talked to my Aunt. She is sane just like my guitar teacher is sane.
*I*,on the other hand ,hold on to my sanity like a purse on the subway.
If I relax my guard someone might grab it.
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Hi Ami. I think I understand disassociation. Now, holding onto y/our sanity, that's an interesting one. Trusting ourselves takes a lot of time. Trusting that whatever we're met with, we will survive intact (bar death!) - that's more than sanity....what would you call it. Can anyone grab your sanity? I used to think so; not any more. Who is that powerful? Only those in our heads (I ask those in my head if they are that powerful now, and they say 'no'). Ain't nobody gonna grab it! I'm sure I shall feel groundless on occasion, but that's something changing, not a loss of sanity.
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Yup-- the ones in my head are grabbing my sanity((( Portia)))) LOL x o x o x Ami
PS I DO see it ,though!!!!!
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Whitie comes here at the end of the day:strung out.
She thinks about eternal life. After all this is over, will there really be a place where there is enough love? You don't have to work so hard for one drop.. One day ,Whities soul will fly up to the place where there is no sorrow, no death, no NM's for sure.
One day, her soul will have everything a good mother could offer.
Yes, heaven would be a mother who touched you with love.
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Maybe the good mother is a dream .
Maybe, not.
Maybe, you can find someone who can love you with a pure love, the love of dreams.
Whitie is gonna think about that tonight as she goes to sleep.
It will be a lullaby for an abused child who still hopes.
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Whitie really is not cynical.
She needs to be a little harder,though
You learn this when you are young if you are not in hibernation mode.
You learn what life is like before you make all the mistakes you can't take back: mistakes and mistakes which have a life of their own and finally overwhelm you .
I think that in Heaven , they must see you.
Heaven will be being mirrored.
When Whitie gets there , they will say ,"Hello Whitie. We knew it was you all along"
White will say ,"Really, you knew me?"
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Whitie will be up there--- being seen. it won't hurt ,anymore.
You won't love people who don't love you and yearn for people who don't want you.
You will be seen in all you are.
That would be mirroring.
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Remember the book "Good Night ,Moon. Whitie is thinking of how she loved to read it to her children. It rhymed so beautifully.
Good night,moon. Good night, room.
All the ways the world promises things but they fall down at your feet.
What do you do when they have fallen?
Are you a fool to dream again ,even now?
Whitie does not have the answer.
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Whitie feels like she is gonna die ,today. The depression(sadness, grief??) is really bad. She is being rejected by someone. Does this kick in all prior rejections?
Probably
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You have a Dewey Decimal system of rejections and you run like Hell to avoid feeling them. Over my head are invisible hands"You failed;You failed;You failed"
I sit frozen, feeling I can't bear to hear them again but it is my own head shoving them down my throat.
I war with my head .
It wants me dead. It doesn't stop with the distortions over and over like a crazy music box stuck on play .You can't turn it off for the life of you.
Whitie's head is a minefield even though she is the solidiers and the generals and the enemy, most of all.
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((((Ami)))) Ain't it the poiint to see ourselves?
My head was once a MINDfield. xx
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Yes, the point is to see ourselves. You are right (((Portia))) but it is very hard when you were not mirrored. You become the false self who has to be perfect cuz you are making up a self in place of the one you should have GOTTEN from being mirrored.
KWIM? x o x Ami
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Let's talk about love. It is hard when you are damn wobbly about who you are. I know you all get that cuz you are wobbly ,too.
Don't tell me if it doesn't apply to you.
Whitie is wobbly as a baby colt.
She does most things wrong in relationships . That is for starters.
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Love relationships feel like Mother a great deal. Maybe, all relationships feel like Mother .If you didn't have such a bad one, it probably wouldn't matter so much .
You had what you had .
What can you do but be you and let the chips fall where they may.Be real and you will learn real things. I am not saying you won't screw up royally . You will but you will get real. When it is all said and done,isn't that the goal?
What if you don't know who you are and you are in a relationship
That would be called "on the job" training. If you get fired, so be it.
You got to think that way about life and relationships.
You can't hold on to the "what ifs" and "hows"
They go as they will go with a life of their own. I believe that.
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First of all, a relationship can't make you 'you". That is a good starting point. You think it can especially when you had our kind of Mothers. You think all sorts of crazy things, as we all know.
So, Whitie has to know that she has to be a self before she can really be part of a couple.
It is a simple truth that someone would know if they were sane.
Whitie is just on the verge of sanity so don't be so hard on her for learning .
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You know the biggest ball buster. I hate that expression. My friend, an ex-cop from NYC, used it so much that I got used to it . The biggest ball buster is that you are alone.
After all the people pleasing and approval seeking, you are alone, anyway.
It would be a cosmic joke if you didn't have God., If you didn't you could laugh until you screamed.
I am seeing life that way. You are laughing and then you are screaming before you know it.
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Whitie has to be careful she is not the astronaut in the diaper reduced to a slavish ,obsessed state.
We could all do it.
Whitie thinks that when she sees someone go cukoo, she could do it in an instant.
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Whities grandmother was a true lady from generations past when things like that mattered. Whitie tries to live up to her standards cuz that is all Whitie has of her-===-memories and morals that would make Whitie worthy of her,even now.
That must be how it feels when you have a good mother.
You hold her deep inside.
She is in Whitie's heart : a cameo.
She had someone who loved her.
She can't go off on some crazy tangent .
She has to be a person her GM would be proud of .
It matters. It was all she had of love. It matters a lot.
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Whitie dreams of Heaven where there will be enough love. It is like the Little Match Girl. In some versions, she is taken to Heaven after the matches have burned.
They didn't know she went to beautiful places before she died.
In the beautiful places is her baby and there are no NM's.
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No NM's..... A heaven indeed, one that we (daughters of NM's) have known all along.... we were all born with a center, so it is there!! We just can't see it ourselves.
(((((((Ami)))))))
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Love you (((((Swimmer))))))) Ami
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:))) keep the chin up:)). Like you do with everyone here, you deserve it:)
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Thank you , Sweet Friend!!! x o x o Ami